Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Finding Balance in the Wake of Cancer

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

In this Language of Love Session, I have the privilege of reconnecting with Victoria, a courageous soul navigating the turbulent waters of her relationship after her partner's cancer diagnosis. Her story is one of love, resilience, and the quest for balance amidst life's unexpected challenges.  Victoria's experience is a reminder of how illness can transform not only the life of the person diagnosed but also that of their partner. She bravely shares her frustrations about feeling lost in the role of a caretaker, a sentiment that many can relate to. The balance between supporting a loved one and maintaining one's sense of self is delicate and often difficult to achieve. Here's a sneak peek of what we discuss: Victoria's struggles in her relationship after her partner's cancer diagnosis and treatment The intricate balance of healing and growth within a relationship affected by illness The complexities of confronting uncertainty and the allure of looking for answers externally The importance of open communication and seeking professional help Remember that relationships are a dance of give and take, especially in times of crisis. It's through our challenges that we often find our greatest strengths and learn the most about ourselves and our partners. Don't forget to check out my website for courses designed to improve your sex life and relationships! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Victoria, welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. What's going on? How can I help?

Yeah, so I've been on here before talking with you. I think it maybe was about a year ago or so. my partner was diagnosed with cancer and I was taking care of him yeah I do remember yeah and things were really difficult great news is is that he is completely cancer free and yeah it's it's really really been a miracle it's been amazing but getting back to life has been hard trying to find a balance between us has been hard because I'm so used to taking care of everything yeah and sometimes I just get frustrated I still feel like it's like come on I know you can you can do the dishes like you I know that you can do them now like I know that you can clean the apartment I know you can fold your clothes and it's just sometimes things feel a bit uneven

and I just I feel like I've gotten completely lost in the sauce yeah as I remember you guys had not been together very long before. And you certainly, I think you had just moved in together or what was the trajectory of your relationship before he got sick? Like how long had you been together? We had been together just about six months and we had just moved in together about six weeks before he was diagnosed. And you were having a long distance relationship, right? Because you moved out. So you were having a long distance relationship for five or four and a half months. Then you move in together. You're just getting to the point where you're actually you weren't even together all the time where you could start developing these norms of behavior and

roles and division of labor, which only happens to an extent when you aren't living together. But certainly when you're dating and spending time at each other's houses on a regular basis, not just when you're visiting each other's towns, you kind of get into some of that rhythm. And then this is a normal trajectory. And then you move in together and you develop, okay, you're starting to really navigate and negotiate like, okay, like whose responsibility is it to do the dishes? Do we share that? Does one of us take this on and the other takes that on? Do we do it together? Like, how does this work? And you're kind of equal, right? That's the plan and the expectation. But in your case, you had six weeks where you probably started to

figure this out before. And he probably was showing symptoms and feeling like crap well before the six week point when you discovered. Right. So he was already pulling back from the acts of taking care of each other a little bit, I'm assuming if he because I remember it was a he was sleeping a lot. Yeah. And he didn't feel good. So now he's better. Thank goodness. That's such a beautiful. I'm so glad to hear that. So how long was he in treatment? Was it a year? Did you say or how long was he? Well, they're still having him do treatment through September. It's just once a month immunotherapy session just for just basically so they can take his data and see what's going on with his body but it doesn't have any side effects right not much like he maybe will

feel crappy for one day after and and that's about it yeah i remember my son when he had leukemia had to get those are they gamma globulin infusions or something or yeah immunotherapy yeah there's different kinds but yeah but the treatment itself lasted how long he got diagnosed when he got diagnosed I mean he was in treatment I think once a week with the immunotherapy and he got he started treatment right away so but he felt like crap through it yeah yeah I mean he was like it was the cancer too that you know he felt like like crap yeah it was a year of treatment yeah so you basically have had the first year of your relationship co-opted by this extremely debilitating illness, even more so than treatment. But I remember, you know, you were talking about

surgeries. There was a lot going on. It was like an intestinal thing or a colon thing. So major, major stuff. And so you went into, God bless you, caretaking mode. You became the caretaker and the advocate, right? And I remember we were talking about how that was going on. And so now he's better and it probably took him a while to come back to himself. Does he seem, even though he's not helping and engaged in the home and leaving a lot of that stuff to you, I feel like when we spoke at some point, there was some frustration because he was, you were ready. You've been waiting so long to get to start a life together. you know the pause button was hit while you went into hell together and you were so ready to get

back to the land of the living and he was now that the worst was over was feeling a lot of the sadness and fear that he hadn't really let himself feel right so there i remember that and then we talked about sort of giving him grace and giving him time to come back to himself so that you could start doing some more joyful playful engage in the world stuff together so let me ask you that Has that been happening? Slowly, but surely. Yes. And I think that I'm in. I don't want to call myself impatient, but I think maybe I just need to be a little bit more patient. And I'm very extroverted. And he he's extroverted, too, but like only when he wants to be. And he's back at work now, 40 hours a week, working a nine to five. And like, that's hard for him still. You know,

he used to be in a bed all day so he'll come home from work and i'll want to go grab drinks and you know he's just like i just want to watch tv and yeah he's tired so i remember that when i and i think i probably shared this with you because i was empathizing with him i and i empathize with you too but i remember when my cancer treatment finished and i had my body had been through i mean he went through even worse than i did in many ways but my body had been through the ring er. And I was even frustrated with how exhausted I was. The treatment's finished. Oh, it's time to get back to life. But it takes a really long time to get your energy back. And if he's still having the treatment, that does take a little bit. Even though it's intermittent, it takes a little bit

of a toll and it takes a little bit of time for the body to re-equilibrate to health again. And also, when you've been lying in a bed for a year, just taking a walk can be exhausting. So it sounds like he's not willing so far to step into his own self. He's working, which is amazing. We ought to give him kudos to that. But other than that, he hasn't really been engaging in his own health or in activity or in engaging in the world again. Yeah, it's you know, we made some new friends. We went to a lake house with them.

We went paddle boating like we were getting out there doing more things. and he like there was a whole news story that was done on him the mayor of the town we live in like wants to talk to him he's doing all these interviews it's like really crazy and i'm just like can we like just please concentrate on us aka me yeah is that what does he say he's like i am and i tell him when he gets too taken away by all of this he's doing a ton of advocacy he has a weekly a weekly support group that he meets with which i think with other cancer patients which I think is amazing. And sometimes I hear the words coming out of my mouth and I'm like, you sound like a selfish girl. But I'm basically just like, we need to fix what has been broken

here. We're going in, I think, a more positive direction. We were trying to move and get out of this space where he was sick. And that was a really big strain on our relationship. We basically just decided to extend our lease for eight months and move at a different time of year. But during that time, we were looking for two very different places to live. I was looking for community. I need a pool. And it's just all of this kind of resentment that had built up. Like, I moved here for you.

I changed my life for you, for you, for you. And I mean, and I know this is irrational, but in my head, I wanted him to say, wherever you want to move, as long as it's not too far from work, I'm game. This is your choice. Well, why did he want? I told him. I was like, I'm not looming in the middle of nowhere like you really have a country. Yeah. And I'm just like, you can't do that to me like this is this I live in.

It's a small city. And I even like laugh when people call this a city. I'm like, it's barely a city. But and so he's become a little more flexible. But it just kind of made me really like, how dare you not like do whatever I want to do? I mean, I get it to an extent. And I agree with you that that's an extreme. But I also get it. I have real understanding. I would feel the same way. I mean, you've given up so much of your life, of your aliveness, of your freedom, of your energy. You've devoted yourself to his healing over the past year. You stopped your life. You know, you just moved to a new town. You're just starting a new relationship. And now you want to be cherished and honored and connected to and, and wooed and, and loved in the way that you signed up to be loved before all this happened and going through something like this, especially for you, it changes you, but it also most importantly

changes the person who is ill. It changes, like it changes you. And so we aren't fully, sometimes it gives you, and I know for me, it gave me a whole new lease on life and a whole new appreciation for the gift of life and a whole new intention not to waste life. But I know many people who it almost has the opposite effect on where they get so filled with fear and so shut down and kind of complacent and hopeless that the opposite happens. I'm not saying that's where he is. That's kind of where I am. That's where you are. Okay. So it sounds to me that a couple of things are in order. First of all, it sounds like you've had these conversations

with him, but it's, you know, talk is cheap, right? Like that's not, it's not translating to a significant change in behavior or action. So the first thought I have not to add one more thing to the mix here, but I think it's important is that he has his support group. My guess is you have a support system, but you guys need some couples therapy. Like this kind of thing will take down a couple who's been together 20 years and built a life together. You guys barely started and this happened. So this is enough to take any couple down without support. And there's so much resentment, natural resentment that's been built up. There's so much kind of expectation and assumptions being made and so much fear, right? You can tell him these things, but he's not

necessarily going to hear it from you. And I'm not saying that you want to find a therapist who will tell him what you want, but a couples therapist will have a broader meta perspective that can see both of your points of view and help you navigate and negotiate like what it is, what are the key things that are really missing? What's and kind of come up with a plan for how to start reconnecting you because I feel like a lot of the other problems would feel less heavy and burdensome if you really felt connected to him and cared for by him and attuned like he was attuned to you. And your whole relationship together, at least since you moved in together, has been about attuning to him. He has been the center point and everything has rotated and radiated

around him. And that's what he's gotten used to. And it's a trend. And now he's back to the land of the living. And I can tell you, even from my own experience, and I consider myself a pretty awake person, it's really fucking scary to come back to the land of the living, even though you want to. Right. And I think it is for every single person who's been through a major illness. So we do want to give them the grace of some time, but we don't want that time to cause more of a divide between the two of you, which is why the therapy is so important so that you can both get your needs met, but also so you can have help navigating and negotiating the communication, which clearly isn't working because you're not getting the results you want.

Yeah. I mean, things have been better over the past like month or so, but it had it like it had to get to a point where I was like about to completely break. And I just was like, why does it have to get to this point? And we were in couples therapy, but the therapist that And it was provided by the cancer center at the hospital that he's at. The therapist retired and we were supposed to get back into it. And I have been begging, begging, begging him. And I think the reason he's not listening to me is because he doesn't want that. You know, the therapist would be like, listen to Victoria.

You have to listen to her like you're not listening to her. And so I he just doesn't want to be called out. And I don't think he thinks it's convenient for him. But I told him when we were going to move and things were not good. I said, I'm honestly like I don't like giving ultimatums, but I'm not comfortable signing another one year lease with you unless we're back in therapy. Good. Yeah. I mean, I was going to tell you because you have to get I don't like ultimatums either. But when one of you any relationship can be saved and enhanced and built beautifully, if both of you are willing to do the work it takes. hey it's Dr. Laura Berman I've been a sex love and relationship therapist for over 30 years and

the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship well if you want to take your love life your sex life to the next level whether you're in a relationship or not check out my free course on quantum sex it's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the Quantum Sex free course.

Check it out. Let me know what you think. when one of you is unequivocally unwilling, unwilling to get help, unwilling to address the problem, unwilling to make change, then the other one is just stuck. And then you are going to have to make a choice, which is where the ultimatum comes in. And you don't bluff it, like you got to mean it. But at that point, you have to make a choice like, OK, I love you. I want a life with you. But you are not only I get why this is hard for you, but you are unwilling to do your side of the work that is needed to get this relationship back on track.

And by the way, Victoria, this is also even just in this, how he moves through this is going to show you how he moves, going to move through everything in life, because this is a whopper of an AFGE, another fucking growth experience. Like this is a big doozy that you've been through, but I guarantee you they're going to be other ones. I'm not saying an illness. That's what I'm afraid. And I have this massive anxiety fear that I've been going through. Like, like if my mom doesn't call me back for six hours, I will have a mental breakdown and think that something bad happened to her. Yeah. I wasn't even talking about that kind of stuff bad, but that's, that's your PTSD that needs to be addressed. I mean, you've got,

cause you got gobsmacked young, vibrant, healthy partner, all of a sudden getting extremely advanced life-threatening cancer with a horrible treatment. I get why you would be scared and be waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's an issue of post-traumatic stress and definitely important for you to individually address for sure. But what I was talking about is around life is just going to throw you normal stuff. Like when you have kids, you're going to have these division of labor issues, when there are money problems, when there are deaths in the family and you need more. There's going to be all these things that happen where one or the other of you need to be the center of attention or you're both just in the fire together. And the most

important thing, I think there's two keys that I would say that every single person, if you want a sustainable, happy, healthy relationship must find in a partner is someone who is willing to push their growth edges and willing to work on things and get help when needed. And someone who is going to really have your back and be able to go through life's challenges with you. And most of us don't realize that second part until we face a life challenge, which usually happens further into the relationship, right? You lucky for you. And I obviously I'm saying that tongue in cheek, you got the challenge right out of the gate. So, and you've moved through it beautifully, but how you move through it now is going to tell you a lot like him being, if he, if he ends up

really being unwilling to go to therapy, like I would not advise you to stay in the relationship because then your hands are tied. If he's unwilling to do the work to meet you in the middle and find a way to get to meet your needs and make the relationship about the two of you rather than just what he needs and wants and push through his discomfort or exhaustion once in a while to be there for you if he's not able to do that once in therapy then i also might advise you maybe because he's showing you you know my angel when they show you who they are believe them so it's not to say he's not an amazing human being and has a lot of amazing qualities but is he someone who's a good partner in life. And what I would say to you, in addition to really holding

him, his feet to the fire around therapy and really making that mandatory and see what he does with that is to also start looking for ways that you can give him that he is doing things right. Right. So maybe, you know, when he goes to the country and goes paddle boarding or whatever he did, you know, that was out of his comfort zone. That was a lot more physical activity than he normally would do, really celebrating that, really giving him the positive reinforcement, looking for ways that he is showing up for you, that he is attuned to you, that he is making an effort and reinforcing those, just like you want him to acknowledge the ways that he's maybe shortchanging the relationship. You also want to acknowledge the ways that he's

is showing up in whatever small or large ways. Yeah, no, that's a good point. You know, try to positively affirm him. And the other day I have this app called time hop and it shows you like what you did two years ago on this day, three years ago on this day. And it was a screenshot of a text conversation between me and him. I don't, I early on in our relationship, I would just take screenshots of our sweet texts and just like, look at them. But he was like, I am so excited to start our lives together, this new chapter of our lives. And I was like, I can't wait. I can't wait to move. I can't wait for our new apartment. I am so excited to start my life with you. And I just like, it made me so mad when I read it. I

was like, did, was God just like watching that being like, ha, you wait till you see what like we have in store for you. It just, and I want to reframe that for myself, but it just made me mad. It made me feel like, I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to feel that excited and free again. Well, you want some suggestion of how to reframe it? Yeah. Let's agree. I think we do from what you're saying that everything is divinely designed even the shit storms right so you can make up a story that there is a not a benevolent force up there that just wants to fuck with you and did this to mess with you right but evidence doesn't really pan that out but i get i get why you're saying that or there are a million other reasons like one is that was just i was whole and

this is not a good one, but it's a sign of a benevolent universe is here she is. She's so excited to start this life with this person and she has so much to give and she has so much life to live. And if she ends up with this person, he's not going to be able to join her in that. He's not going to be able to show up for her once the rubber meets the road. So let's just show her now, right? That would be a negative for him. That would be like, if you were meant to break up, like here she is, she's really invested in this. She's full speed ahead, but this person isn't really for her highest good. So let's save her the pain of investing too many years into this and see what this guy is made of right now. And there's always free will. Maybe he will

shift and change and really show up because it's easy. It is so easy. And I'm saying this across the board, no matter who you are. It is so easy in a long distance relationship and in a new relationship to be perfect and attentive and romantic and inspiring. I mean, it is easy, easy peasy. And anyone with half a brain and a heart can do it and does it. It's natural. It comes easily. It's when you move from that initial infatuation stage, which is much more intense and even easier in many ways, even though it's hard to be apart, it's almost easier when you're not apart because you're so excited to be together and you have that extra juice and you feel that intensity and it makes that infatuation stage last even longer. But it's during the attachment

stage is when you move beyond the infatuation into day-to-day life and the shit storms that life throws at you that you really learn what your relationship is made of. And so in a fucked up way, i could argue that this is an amazing blessing because you got the trial by fire early to like this is setting the stage for the rest of your life nothing is going to be as hard as this so if you can make it through this and he can rise to the occasion and you both can rise together then you have a blueprint now for how you're going to work through everything yeah right we could argue that that's what the universe like these two are going to need this support we want them to learn this or they're going to use this or he needs to have this experience for what he's going

to do in the world. And this woman is someone who can hold him through that, right? We can make up that story too. There are infinite stories that have nothing to do with the universe fucking with you, but are a reflection of an extremely loving act toward both of you, right? And also what your souls came here to do, right? And came here to learn. You might be needing to learn not only how to hold your own boundaries and stand for yourself, but also how to live and sit and live abundantly and beautifully in uncertainty, in the awareness of how uncertain every breath is, which I'm here to tell you and you now know is true, right? It is. And I have talked with my therapist about this, but I love psychics and mediums and all of

that in the past few weeks, I like, it's like, I need to go to like a psychics anonymous meeting because I, I so badly do not want life to be uncertain and I'm trying so hard to control it. I've seen like three psychics in the past month. And I get that. Listen, after Sammy died and I still like, even now I find myself wanting, cause I have many friends who are psychics and like amazing ones. And I even said to my friend the other day, like, I don't know, like part of me wants to ask you if I, like, I feel like something bad is going to happen. Is something bad going to happen? But I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Cause I know there's free will. Like I know we don't, everything isn't preordained. Right. And I don't think even, and most really good

psychics won't really tell you what's going to happen because they know that if they tell you what's going to happen, I mean, they may have a general sense of what your soul signed up for and what's coming, but if they give you some specifics five years out of exactly what's going to happen. They're lying to you because any good psychic will tell you there's a general plan, but there is free will and there's all these incarnations of that plan and all different ways and timelines on which you could go. But what you're trying to do, which you aptly acknowledge, is you're trying to find a mechanism of control to soothe yourself, which is an illusion because there is no freaking control. And God bless the universe for teaching you that

lesson now. It took me 50 years to learn that lesson. Once I learned it and was able to live, and I'm not saying I do it perfectly all the time, but living a life of uncertainty and being able to just surrender to that and be held through that has been literally of all the things that I've done to set myself free, and I've done many, that has set me free the most. That is a priceless gift because then you can move through all the shit storms and you can hold your center. So what I would say to you is instead of like 911-ing the psychics,

really diving more and more deeply into your personal relationship with the God of your understanding, whatever that is. Because once you start, you can ask for the ball to be read, the crystal ball to be read as much as you want. But like I said, that's just a Band-Aid. What you're really wanting is to know that no matter what happens, you're going to be

okay and you are held. And there's a higher purpose for everything that we may not understand until we're on the other side, but that everything is in service. Everything is for your highest good and that you are going to be protected. Your life may not look exactly as you decided you need to design it, but what's in store for you is a hundred times better than what you could design. So surrender, right? That's what to me, spirit says to me all the time. Like you're trying too hard to micromanage things. You think things have to go ABC when they're really supposed to go X, Y, Z, but until you loosen it a little

bit, you can't allow for the abundance of experience and love and life that wants to come through. Yes, you are very right. Going to try to do my best. Thank you so much for this. you are welcome keep us posted and let us know what happens hopefully he'll be willing to get in that's the step one is getting into therapy because you need a navigator here yeah i'm i'm gonna if he's not gonna do it like search for the therapist and everything because he's the one that's a part of the system that got us the therapist to begin with i'll just i'll do it but this is me off and all it'll be the first thing i talk about in therapy that i'm the one that I had to find it. Oh, you do it or sit down with him and go on his app and find someone and

say, I'll do the legwork. I'll call these people. I'll do whatever, but we need this. And even if you're the one driving it, and yes, you can talk about that resentment once you get in there, it's worth it. And if you need me to kick his ass into gear, I will. Thank you so much. Be something. Okay, sounds good. Thank you, Dr. Berman. Good luck. I went to the doctor, said I'm crazy for your love Wrote me a prescription, but there's no cure for a cry