Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Finding Support and Boundaries in the chaos of cancer

Episode Date: December 7, 2022

How do we love our partners through some of the scariest seasons of our lives? In this Language of Love Session, I chat with a listener juggling a newer relationship with a partner that was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. After watching my loved ones walk through cancer and moving through my own cancer journey, I know the ups and downs of this experience well. In this open-ended season of life, we discuss how this listener and their partner can navigate this illness together, how to build a foundation for their relationship through this diagnosis, and how cancer offers us an invitation to grow spiritually and emotionally.  Today, this Language of Love listener and I unravel: How cancer forces us to grow through intense stress and fear  Embracing the challenge as a couple rather than forgoing all boundaries How to encourage healthy regulation in yourself and your partner Accepting your partner’s flaws and missteps  The importance of defining what you will and will not do  How to find clarity in the chaos  The bottom line? Ask for help, and remember that this is not all on you. Your partner is still your partner even though the dynamic is shifting, and support for a caregiver is just as important as support for the individual battling cancer.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Nicole, how can I help? Yeah, well, I am in a newer relationship. We knew each other as kids,

reconnected about a year ago, and things moved very fast. We skipped a lot of levels in our relationship. We haven't even been together for a year. We recently moved in together and unfortunately he got sick. And so now I'm dealing with having to juggle someone that I'm still getting to know and also in their scariest moments and times and what to not take personally, what to blame on the sickness and how to continue to get to know each other better through these really, really tough times. Wow. Okay. So what, and what can you tell me a little bit about what kind of sickness we're talking about? Is it something permanent? Is it something temporary? What's the deal? He got diagnosed with colon cancer. So it is, you know, and we're young,

we're in our 30s. So it was a big shock. And I'm a big time empath, big time. And my sensitive streak, I used to have it under more control. But now everything makes me cry. Every word he says hurts. And, you know, I kind of have to pick my battles of what to speak up about, say, hey, this hurt me and what, you know, to give him some grace because he's sick. And so what's the prognosis, just so I know what we're dealing with in terms of the journey you're on? I mean, originally, the doctor said that they can remove it, the tumors, and he's on immunotherapy. So, you know, it's just kind of this journey that we don't really know. No one has given us a number or anything like that. And I like that. I don't really, you know, and he likes

that too, but you know, there are cures and we really are in this for the long haul together, but I'm kind of being taken on this journey that sometimes I feel like I, you know, of course I didn't ask for it. Nobody asked for it. But like, usually if you've been together for 10 years first, you kind of have that foundation, right. And you all, thank goodness, have the shared history, it sounds like, which is in and of itself a foundation, but it's very different than having the foundation of learning to navigate each other's personalities in a relationship. And so it sounds like while the prognosis is uncertain, there is treatment that is thought that it's going to work. He's going to go through it. I assume he is going through it,

but there isn't sort of, is there a start date and finish date? Is there a protocol? Like, Do we know how long you're going to be in this state of upheaval and chaos and treatment, or is it kind of open-ended at this point? It feels open-ended. I took him in today for his third immunotherapy treatment, and what they said is that after three to six months, they'll reassess and then do a surgery. So it'll be three months soon. So I asked the physician's assistant, okay, so are we taking another look now?

What's the deal? I'm really on top of it. Yeah. He, I mean, he was, I am, it's just a lot on my shoulders and I, I love him. Yeah. Very soon. So, okay. There's several things at play, right? You're the two of you are in crisis. He's in major crisis because he's facing what is potentially a terminal illness. Although thank goodness, it sounds like the doctors are not telling you that that's the case, they're telling you. And if he's on immunotherapy, that means that they feel like there's a treatment that would work. I mean, if he, if he wasn't a candidate for that, they'd just be blasting the crap out of him with chemo and hoping it worked. Right. So, so that makes me

feel a little confident that at least he's going to get through this. But, you know, it's interesting because very often when I talk to couples that are first getting together or when people are deciding, like, should we move, you know, if you'd called before you moved in, right. And you said, all right, this is a guy that we know we have this shared history, you know, to a certain extent, due diligence has been paid because we grew up together, but like now we haven't seen it, you know, we haven't connected for the first time in many years. Now we're together. Should we, or shouldn't we move in together? What I would have said to you is like, before you make any major commitments, which I would put in the category of moving in together or getting

married, you want to give it some time. And this is going to be relevant. I promise to understand who that person is in conflict, in crisis, and in stress, because you don't really know anyone until you know how they handle themselves when their back is really pushed up against the wall, right? And so in an ideal world, you would have kind of figured this out and navigated this and created, either worked through it and figured out a balance to navigate this and both grown and learned from the experience or you wouldn't have ended up together because one or the other of you wouldn't have handled it well. And what it sounds like is that as wonderful as I'm sure your boyfriend is, he is not someone who, at least historically, Lord knows the universe is giving

him a big old AFGE, another freaking great experience to learn it. But he has not learned how to handle fear, intense fear, which is what, I mean, as a cancer survivor, I can tell, you know, you're facing your mortality right in the face, right? And you feel helpless. Any issues you have with control, with organization, with safety, which is control basically, with safety and fear of death, right? All of that is going to be on steroids when you have a cancer diagnosis. And obviously it's worse, the scarier the cancer is, right? You know, if it's a melanoma that can be cut off, it's a lot less of an impact than if it's colon cancer, right? So that's what's happening right now. You are learning who this man is in major stress, and there are lots of parts of it

that aren't pretty, right? Now, the one caveat to that is just going through the cancer treatments, even if it is immunotherapy, which doesn't have as many horrific side effects as chemotherapy, just having the cancer makes him feel like crap, right? And he's having a lot of these symptoms and probably having some pain and discomfort. And that makes people grumpy and shortens their tolerance for frustration. And so the truth is, while you're learning who he is in stress and fear to a certain extent, he's just fundamentally not himself because of the things happening to him. And so I say all of that because this is really important information for you on the one hand, right? For the future. I'm not saying you bail now and say, okay,

you suck at dealing with stress. So I'm out of here, right? We don't know who he's going to be on the other side of this. The one thing I can tell you, and I, as myself as a cancer survivor and having loved many people who are cancer survivors, it is at its core an invitation. It is a doorway, right? And what I'm most interested in with this guy, and we'll get to how you can handle this in a minute, I promise, but I'm just saying this for the future and for anyone listening, that what I'm most interested in with him is, is he or isn't he going to accept the invitation?

And the invitation is to wake up, right? Cancer is a wake-up call. Cancer is life is short. What's important? Are you going to step into grace? Are you going to build a spiritual connection? Are you going to shed the ego and the story you try to present to the world that you're so committed to?

Or are you going to show up authentically now, right? Like that's what cancer asks you to do. It asks you to let go of control. It forces you to let go of control, let go of your ego and step into authenticity and grace and connection with the divine. And those every single person who goes through cancer treatment accepts or doesn't accept that invitation. And that is the gift in cancer, potential gift in cancer. Right. So if he accepts that invitation and there's some things you can do, we'll talk about in a minute to facilitate him potentially accepting that. But in the end, take the horse to water, right?

It's up to him whether he accepts it or not. So if he accepts it, then boy, is this going to make for a beautiful relationship between the two of you. If he doesn't accept it, that will be interesting to see. That will be a decision point at some point for you because you'll just see how things evolve, right? But my prayer is that he accepts the invitation. and the only thing you can do to lead him to the water is to give him those resources right so to

try to make sure that you do the legwork to find him the emotional support and the spiritual support and I don't mean just going to the hospital chaplain and social worker but I mean like getting him into breath work or cognitive behavioral therapy with therapists who specializes in cancer and other health issues, right? Like a lot of hospitals, I know this from when my loved ones have had cancer, their mental health resources are these health psychologists. God bless them. I mean, they're doing great stuff, but that's not the kind of therapy that I'm talking about, right? So he really needs support right now and you can't force it on him. And the other thing is that you can't be, you are already so much support, but you can't be his primary. Well,

you can be his primary, but you can't be his entire emotional support. It's not sustainable. No. And I also don't know, you know, he's told me before, he's been like, what's wrong? Are you okay. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm good. And he's like, please stop lying to me because I know you're not and I'm still your partner. And so I want to know when you're not doing well. And, you know, last night I wasn't doing well and we were texting from other rooms in the apartment and I was just like, you know, I'm really not having a good night and I'm really sad and I'm just feeling like I'm kind of falling down a depression hole. So that's what's going on with me. And then I felt so much guilt for sharing that. No, do not feel that because first of all,

and this is what I was going to, I'm glad you brought that up because the next thing I was going to say is let's talk about you, right? Like what you need is that deep emotional support as well. And I think he's right that he's still your partner and shutting him out or trying to act like Pollyanna when that's not how you feel isn't going to work and acknowledging that like, I know we're going to beat this, but I'm freaking scared. And I know that you're having a hard time, but it really hurts when you lash out at me or when you, whatever, I don't know what it is he does when he's in those triggered places, but I'm assuming he lashes out or does something insensitive or is grumpy and snarky or whatever. This is not a time not to have your boundaries.

Like the instinct is, oh, he's sick. So let me just not have any needs because he's the identified patient here. That does not serve him. And it sure as shit doesn't serve you. And it's going to deplete you so significantly that you're not even going to be able to be a support for him. So you have to set the boundaries about and even if it's, you know, it doesn't mean you have to pout and punish him every time. Right. And like you said in your initial question, I don't know what I should give him grace for and what I should let go. regardless of what you decide to do with each incident, it is still required that you say, no, please don't talk to me that way. That doesn't mean you get in a huge fight and you go and pout

and you're mad at him and you decide that, you know, it doesn't mean that, but it means that repeatedly and consistently you set a boundary. And by the way, that's going to make him feel safer, ironically, in all of this, because he feels totally out of control. He's like, in some ways emotionally as I feel into him. And he's like a toddler in the way he's feeling right now, right? So he throws these temper tantrums. What do you do when someone throws a temper tantrum, right? When the child throws a temper tantrum, you don't abandon them. You sit with them and you stay calm. And if they start hitting you or saying horrible things to you, you say, no, it's not okay to hit mommy. No, you can't speak to me that way. I don't like it, right?

But you don't abandon, but you make it clear what your expectations are and you are still allowed to be treated with respect. That doesn't mean he's going to successfully do it, but it does mean that you repeatedly remind him, even if it's just a look or a finger or you have a conversation like I have that with my husband, because when he becomes, I mean, he's not going through cancer, but when he becomes stressed about anything, my description of is that he gets tight, right? And when he gets tight, he can easily lash or get snarky or be impatient. And a long time ago, I just said, listen, when I raise a finger, like, and I kind of

give you that look like that's just your sign. OK, you're going there. And so you can do something like that or you can repeatedly say, please don't talk to me that way. I want to hear what you're saying, but stop with that tone of voice. Right. And then you're helping, you're setting the container to help teach him because my guess is he probably has never been someone, we don't know because you don't know him that long,

but he probably never has been someone who's been the best at self-regulating his emotions. No. Yeah. He's like a quadruple Gemini over here. So he's all over the place. Right. So you have to be the boundary setter for yourself and how you want to be treated. Yeah. And even call him to conscious sometimes if he's being a jerk to the nurses or doctors or friends or whatever. Oh, he's always, always nice to them. It's just me like his parents. Yeah. Yeah. So you have to stand for how you want to be treated. Even if he is sick, you can still stand for yourself and have grace for him. Right. You're not painting him with that brush and deciding he's a jerk. Right. You're deciding that he's someone in pain who is needing to learn how

to navigate that. But that still doesn't mean that you're a doormat, right? So you have to set that up and require something different repeatedly and repeatedly and repeatedly until he starts to get the message and he will. As most of you know, for the past several years, I've been on a pretty intense grief journey and it's been a path of healing. I've shared lots of that healing with you and lots of the healing resources that I found. And I am so thrilled to announce that I am doing my first ever retreat for grieving mamas. So if you or someone you love is a mama who has lost a child in any way, at any stage, at any age, I would love for you to come join me at 1440 Multiversity in the Redwoods near Santa Cruz, California for four amazing days

of beautiful, uplifting community and healing. We've got David Kessler. We've got Paul Selig. We've got Catherine Woodward Thomas. We've got me. We've got body work. We've got organic food, beautiful rooms. Go to 1440.org.

Check it out. It's right there on the homepage. I really hope you can join us. And if you are struggling, right, you can say, you can still admit that you're struggling and be optimistic. at the same time. You can hold both. Just because you're struggling doesn't mean that you're telling him that you think he's about to die, right? It just means that you're having

a moment of struggle. That is totally allowed as well. Trying to pretend is so draining that everything is okay. That is almost worse. You know, that causes more pain than just acknowledging that it's scary or sad or upsetting or hard and that we're going to be fine, but this is hard. Yeah. And, you know, we're in a situation, we moved to another state together because he got a job. And so that is also one of the reasons why things happen so quickly. It was a COVID world. And I had been living with my mom for a couple of years after living on my own for so long. I was looking for a new adventure. He got this job. So I was like, okay, we'll move. And we didn't know anybody here. And so we don't have that support system. So I am everything. And he's, he said to me a couple of times recently, you know, I really want you to be a girlfriend and not act like my mother. Yeah. And I'm like, that is a very, it offends me, first of all, but you know, I do need to know if he's taken his medication, I do need to know certain things in order for me to feel comfortable living out on our own without support. And that now I'm just, oh, like, what does he want me to be some girl? It's like, hey, baby, let's go have fun. And like, you know, I'm your girlfriend, like I need to be in support. And, you know, and I do, I get nervous and I want to know. And the second I'm like, okay, he doesn't want me to ask.

I'm just going to let him do his thing. Something happens. And I'm like, God damn it. I should have made sure he did it. But every time I asked, he looked like he wanted to kill me. So I stopped. Yeah. Well, you're going to have to decide.

This is one of the hardest things about being in a relationship, whether you're a parent or with a partner. you have to watch them making stupid decisions for themselves. And sometimes, I mean, this obviously affects you if he's not taking his medication and then that affects his treatment and that affects his prognosis, right? Like you're trying to control things too, to keep him alive and to keep him safe. But the question is, do you want him? I think you're, you're going to, I kind of agree with him. I hate to say that, and this is going to be really hard, but you are going to have to get comfortable with him messing up. Now, if he is messing up

or doing things to really self-sabotage himself because he's hopeless or depressed or whatever, then you got to get him into treatment or something else, right? Like he's got to, that's not okay. But if this is about you being his nurse, right, then that's not going to help your relationship, especially if he resents it. Yeah. And I hear myself sometimes and I'm like, you are annoying. Like I hear my mother, I hear my mother right away. I'm like, oh my God, I'm turning into her. And I love her, you know, but it's, I can hear it. Like I get it. Any way you can get some caretaker respite or a nurse to come in or somebody to come in and take that role from you because it would be so great if you didn't have, especially since he resents

it. If he was someone who welcomed it, I wouldn't worry about it. But since it's becoming a relationship issue for both of you, it seems to me that if you could outsource the clinical supervision of his treatment, that would go so far to take the stress off both of you. Yeah, we have a little bit. We do have some nurses coming and all of that, but it's more for wound care since he just had surgery and like as much as I want them to be on top of him have you taken x y and z I don't exactly know if that's their job like this is all just really new territory for us and most of the time he's totally competent but then there's times when he's really sick and he could easily forget things and it's just it's tiptoe I just feel like I'm tiptoeing

around and it's like I want to do what's best for him and if that means he's mad at me then I guess but it just takes such a toll on me and then I'm not okay. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so that's what I mean. If he's not, if he's out of it and he's going to be angry about it, then tough, right? But if you're on top of him every single day about taking his meds, that's something else. And I would even say to the nurses, I would share with the nurses what the struggle is.

I mean, you're not the first couple that's gone through this, right? So maybe that's not part of the job that they intended to do, but it's part of the job that they're very comfortable doing. and they're willing to take that on. So ask for help to get that outsourced. But also it's about navigating with him. Like, okay, so there are these times that you don't take your meds.

Most of the time you're on top of it, but then there are these times when you're feeling really sick or you're out of it and you don't take the meds. Am I just supposed to let you, am I just supposed to sit back and have you not take the meds? Is that what you would rather me do

so that your treatment is compromised? And see what he says. And I obviously don't have this conversation when he's in a state of agitation or out of it. Right. You want to have this when he's in a calm, clear state. But if he says, yes, I would rather not take it and fuck things up than have you be on top of me, then that is something that you're going to have to respect. Yeah, but it's how much I don't want to, you know, if he's doing everything in his power to make sure he's okay, he's, you know, he's getting the care that he needs, and he still starts declining and all that. I'm biased side, no matter what. But I always say, if someone isn't doing something to help themselves that they could be, and they're causing hurt to other people, then I'm not down. I'm not down with that. So what I'm just supposed to watch him, someone I love suffer when I feel like more could have been done on his part. It's happened many times during when he's had to go to the emergency room. I begged him to go for days before and he refused. And so I just said, do you just expect me to watch someone I love deteriorate like this? It's just it doesn't feel it doesn't feel fair to me. And it's not fair. It's not fair to you. And that's the conundrum you're in. And I am with you, right? Like if he is refusing to do what is needed to get him through with your support, right, in the ways that you're giving support. But if he is not willing to take, if he's not willing to let you do it and he's not willing to do it himself, then he's putting you in a double bind that isn't fair.

And I agree with you that that's not fair to ask of you. And you can make that a deal breaker. You can say, look, I am with you for the long haul, no matter what happens. But if you are telling me that I can't step in here, that's fine. But you better step in. and if you're not and I see you repeatedly doing things to sabotage your treatment and out of pride or fear or whatever reason it is I'm not going to be down with that and I can't be here for that long haul I can be here no matter what as long as you're taking responsibility for your health

but if you're not taking responsibility and you won't allow me to step in there then my hands are tied and I can't watch you destroy things, yourself, your health, your life, right? I can't be here for that. And the only way that's going to work scarily enough is if you get really clear on that inside yourself and you mean it when you say it. Because what isn't going to work is what you're doing now, where you are dragging him to a certain extent. I know it's not all this, but the conflict in your relationship or the places in which you're dragging him by his hair, to take care of himself. And that is not your job. Your job is to be a support where you can be a support and to be his advocate in the hospital and with the doctors where you can do

that. But it is not to shove the pills down his throat if he's not willing to take them himself and not willing to let you take that on. Like, that's not fair. And so you're going to have to get really clear inside yourself about what your deal breaker is and it may be that you're like he has to have that kind of wake-up call of seeing that you really mean what you say to be like okay I'm gonna yeah because right now he's taking out all of his fear and anger and frustration on you and while we can understand that that doesn't make it okay and you're gonna have to like really this is your invitation too. I mean, cancer is an invitation to everyone. This is your invitation to face some of those controlling aspects of your personality, which is a result of your

over-empathy, right? So basically, I know you're trying to take care of him doing this, but you're also trying to take care of yourself because you're trying to avoid the pain you're feeling when he feels pain. So let me just force you to do this thing that's going to help with your pain so that not only are you not in pain, but I don't have to feel you're in pain. So I can sleep at night. Yeah. Right.

So that's your work to work with a therapist, but I would even say an energy healer and a somatic healer. And I don't mean like calling in any friends and being like, pray for me. Although of course that's helpful. I mean, proactively working with someone who can help you with energetic boundaries,

with empathy boundaries, because there are practices you can do to sort of put yourself in an energetic bubble where you're kind of filtering out. You can still obviously have sympathy and empathy for people, but you aren't like a sponge soaking up all of his angst and anger. Like that's not going to work. Yeah. And it's, you know, and I am worried that it's, I mean, it's, it'll be the four-year anniversary of my dad's death from cancer next month. And, and this just kind of feels like a big F you almost from the universe. And now I'm kind of going down this spiral of like, okay, what's next? Yeah. You know, like what's going to happen next and feeling like I was like that

after my dad died and I finally took my walls down a little bit and was like, everything's going to be okay. Life is okay. It's not, everyone's going to get cancer. And then when we went to the emergency room, me and my boyfriend, when he first was sick, it didn't even cross my mind that it could have been cancer. I had gotten back to a safe space of not thinking everyone was going to get sick. And then all of a sudden I was like, oh, how did I not even think of that? So this is really triggering your post-traumatic stress, right? It's a shock bubble that you go into and you're back in the shock bubble, which is understandable. And when you're in that shock bubble, you are absolutely feeling like the other shoe is about to drop somewhere.

Somehow the world is a dangerous place. I'm not supported. I'm out here on my own. Nothing makes sense. All of that is really normal for when you're having that PTS response, which is clearly what you're describing, especially since going through what you went through with your dad is totally normal. And the fact that it's coming up right now is totally normal. And I can promise you that regardless of what happens with him, and I'm assuming, and I feel pretty strongly that he's going to be fine coming out the other end, but whether he is or isn't, whatever happens, I can guarantee you that a year from now, if you call back in, you are going to tell me clarity and the gifts and the growth that came out of this. And so the way that I interpret this

is not that God is punishing you or there isn't a beautiful God because there can't possibly be because you love someone else who all of a sudden has this unexpected cancer. I think it's really interesting that it's a cancer that seems pretty treatable, right? I think that the cancer journey and what you are learning right now, what we've been talking about around boundaries, energetic boundaries, literal boundaries, claiming how you want to be treated, letting go of your need to control. These are huge lessons for your soul's growth and your life enjoyment and peace moving forward that you probably wouldn't have learned and won't if you weren't going through this. And more importantly, it sounds like he, his soul really needs and

signed up to learn some stuff. And my prayer is that he accepts that invitation and through this opens up in those ways that his soul is longing for him to open up. Because in my experience, and I've had cancer, my son had cancer as a three-year-old, my mother died of cancer, my spirit mother died of cancer, my father died of cancer. I know cancer really well, and I've lost and been through horrible scenarios with cancer. And I can tell you that cancer is a gift. It feels like shit while it's happening. It really does, but it's a gift. And I'm not saying that you see it that way now, but I just am planting that seed because I think for you as well. Reconnecting with faith, even if it's hard to do right now, is going to be a huge part of

what sees you through. Yes. Thank you. I hope so. All right. So boundaries, energy work, making sure you get logistical support and emotional support for yourself and lead him to the water of emotional and spiritual support, hoping that he'll drink it and get really clear and be willing to stand for without bluffing your boundaries, right? And I 100% support your boundary that if you are not going to let me step in here and hold your hand through the logistics of taking responsibility for your medical care, you better do it. Because if you don't do it, you're not going to be okay.

And if you are not okay because you've been unwilling to do it and unwilling to let me do it, I'm not okay with that. And I'm not going to stick around for that. And you have to mean it. Yep. Very true. Some, a lot of boundary work, which I've struggled with always. And even now this is a very difficult, you know, you don't want to draw boundaries to

someone that's sick, but I think you're right. It's important for him too. So thank you. And it's important for you to be able to be present with him. And it's a myth that just because someone's sick, they don't deserve boundaries or they don't need boundaries. We all need, you know, too bad if he's sick. I'm not you're not yelling at him or abusing him or punishing him. You're just saying, no, this is not OK. And it's not those things that he's doing or saying when he's not respecting you because he's in his own trigger.

Yeah. And it sounds like he's open to hearing that. And that's the good news. He's inviting that sometimes depends on which version of him I get. But, you know, slowly my spirituality is leaking in and, you know, I got some oils from my Reiki healer that I, I waited for the perfect moment to give him the oil. And I, cause I was like, I know if I just give it to him, he's going to be like, eh, but he was nauseous and it's for nausea. And I was like, Hey, this is what my Reiki healer gave me. If you just want to try it. And he was like, okay, I'll try it. So, you know, it's slowly, but surely sinking in. Good. Yeah. Well, keep us posted. We're praying for you both and keep us post it on how you're doing okay thank you Dr. Lemon

Cription, but there's no cure for crime.