Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Grow Your Soul and Call in Fuller Love

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

If you long for soul filling love or care about someone who does, this episode is for you!  When you commit to personal growth, you come to love the person you flourish into. And if you’re looking for love, you’ll be much more likely to attract in the kind of love you most desire. After all, the more healed and whole you are, the more you are a magnet for others who are the same! This Language of Love Session, I talk to listener Kathleen about how to navigate the path to the best version of yourself, even while finding beautiful love along the way. We’ll discuss projecting the right energy, living in the right frequency, and a few things you can start doing right now to attract the love you deserve. In this episode you’ll learn about: Discovering what language is your body speaking The Accidental Alpha Woman Syndrome and the fine line between power and control. How your energy is your best date outfit.  If you want to attract masculine, ways to build up your feminine to attract.  Resources and Links Dr. Laura Berman Language of Love Podcast Laura Berman Instagram – Dr Laura Berman Facebook – Dr Laura Berman Youtube.com – Dr Laura Berman  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Kathleen, I'm glad you're here. How can I help?

Yeah, so I know you're an expert in the field of sexuality, relationships, and whatnot. And so I'm really looking for guidance on this next phase of my life. I'm 35. I'll be 36 in September. and I feel like I grew up in a pretty normal life and things like that. I live in New York city and I feel like I know in urban areas, people settle down later in life. It's like marriage, long-term relationships, whatnot. I go to therapy weekly. So I speak about this with my therapist all the time, but I feel that like, I'm not meeting people who are, who are of good character. And you know, the pandemic did a lot to us. I went through a lot emotionally and personally and professionally during the pandemic did a lot of healing and therapy

you know on a good page now a good note but I spent a lot of time and I still continue to spend a lot of time focusing on myself and I just see so many happy couples specifically who like don't meet in traditional settings like at bars or restaurants or out and about but online and I've had quite a few people like my brother he's a little bit he's two years older he has given me great feedback on my hinge profile that's the application I'm on some other male friends girlfriends of mine we met their partners on apps things like that and i'm just not getting the right matches or catches and it's like well i feel like i'm getting attacked in different ways so meaning like i'm a multi-hyphenate type of person so i co-own my

own bar and restaurant i work in advertising full-time i'm on the board of a couple of philanthropic organizations like i'm out and about i'm doing things but some men i feel like will say oh well that's intimidating or like you seem like you have a lot going on and I feel like the public's perception of me is I'm too busy to have somebody but all these things that I'm doing that makes me busy and happy makes me busy makes me happy right so I guess Laura what I'm trying to ask is what do I do because I've spent so much time working on myself that now I'm not attracting anybody let go of that story because that ain't true that's not why you're not attracting people. The more work you do on yourself, perhaps the pool of people that you

are attracting in and will be attracted to changes for sure. But in my experience, the more you really authentically work on yourself, the higher and higher caliber of person you're going to ultimately attract in and be attracted to. But when you start attaching to this story, which a lot of women do for good reason, because they're getting this feedback for a couple of reasons from other, usually men, you know, it's usually women who are, I'm assuming you're interested in men, if that's the, because a woman wouldn't say that to you. Yeah. So usually let's just start there, but I think there's a larger issue going on. Let's just start with what you specifically brought up that men that you meet who may be good quality men who you might be

interested in dating are, are saying, it doesn't seem like you have a lot of room in my life, in your life? Yes. Usually when that happens, and just try this on, usually when that happens, or when a woman is saying that men are saying, you intimidate me, or I don't see how I can fit into your life. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with the Coffee Plus range, infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins, like Coffee Plus B12 to help support immune function and Coffee Plus B6 to keep your day moving or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight our new double espresso with ginseng extract whatever lies ahead don't change your morning let your morning change you

discover coffee plus on espresso.com it's not that you're too busy but it's that you are accidentally giving them feedback directly or through body language that there's no place for them to be of service. So for a man... Yes, I've heard that exactly. And I'm so confused with what they meant by that. Okay. So I'll explain to you. For a man, we're generalizing here, but I do find this to be true for most heterosexual men in relationships with women. One of the key ways that they find relationship satisfaction is through being of service. They have to see a way that they can be the knight in shining armor, basically. They have to see a place that they are going to be additive, needed, and of service in the relationship. And with a woman

who's got everything going for her and a busy life and a full life and can financially support herself and socially support herself, that does not mean that a high quality man won't see a way that he can be of service to her, but she has to kind of show it to him. Right. So that does not mean that you play small or act like a damsel in distress. Right. Exactly. Like that's that's the first thing that came to my mind. So what could I do or what are some examples? Well, it's about noticing the things that you admire about them and commenting on those. Right. Like, oh, or stopping and letting him open the door for you, right? Rather than opening it for yourself. Okay. So let's just back up for a second. The larger meta thing here that I see happening,

and it was something I had to get over myself, is this, what I call the accidental alpha woman syndrome, right? So when we are super independent and we're frying the bacon up in a pan and bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan at the same time, right? We can totally take care of ourselves, what can happen specifically in our society, because what we value in society is the masculine, is the go-getter on top of it. Don't, you know, I can survive. I can take care of myself. All of which is true, but very often we kind of get heavy on that side and lighter on the feminine energy. Now, feminine energy, and this is true, we all have masculine and feminine energy, but we're talking about a woman, right? Who identifies as a woman with both, has both

masculine and feminine energy. And for a lot of us who are go-getters and career women and making it on our own, we have to really be in our masculine energy a lot of the time. Masculine energy is the energy that is directive, that is proactive, that is contained, that goes in a linear way that gets shit done. Okay. Now we all have that energy. I'm not saying that men are the only ones with masculine energy. Women have masculine energy too. And we need that and we need to cultivate it. Feminine energy is more flowing, more emotive, more emotional, more intuitive, softer, less directive, less proactive. This whole thing with Sheryl Sandberg and lean in, I think, did a lot of women a disservice because it helps you in your career, but it is also

encouraging women to really cultivate and step way into their masculine energy and out of their feminine. The feminine receives. But I feel like I'm feminine in various ways, but I think my public persona, to give you a little bit more detail, is like I'm wearing a t-shirt that says Catch Kathleen. That's my moniker. Like I'm always traveling. I'm always on the go. I'm always busy. It's also, can someone catch me? Like literally, can someone catch me? I'm talking about men. Can they catch me?

But why are you setting that up? But no, but for me, it originally started off as Catch Kathleen, purely travel-based. Yeah. Literally like in my 20s, love to travel, things like that. And as I evolved as a person,

for example, I didn't make this sweatshirt. My friend made it for me. Like he gave it to me as a birthday gift a couple of years ago. But I was in a relationship with somebody and I got caught. Let's put it that way. Yeah.

I'm no longer in that relationship. And so I'm back on the market. Right. So in terms of like a witty thing of like hashtag live it up like Linda or live it up like Laura or like whatnot, like what's wrong with Catch Kathleen? And I think that like some people read into it a little bit further than what it really means for me. It's just fun travel. Catch me having. Well, so you're saying you don't mean can you catch me? I don't really mean can you catch me? But I think that some men are taking it that way. No, you're putting too much thought into the you're thinking on the logistical level, not on the energetic level.

There is nothing you have to change in your presentation. You're thinking like in the practicalities. I'm talking about the energy when you meet someone. Right. I went to an all girls school for my entire life, 15 years. Women's studies was one of my majors. Great. My mom's a gynecologist. Like I grew up around like strong women understanding the feminine aspect. But I also learned that there was never such thing as a free lunch. My mom always was like, if you meet a guy, you're having a great time, let him take you out. But also like level sets. So, for example, if he pays for dinner and we enjoy our company, we go someplace else. I don't mind paying for a round of drinks or whatnot. But I think sometimes maybe men perceive me being a little too masculine for doing that. I'm just trying to show them I'm not trying to use them. Because I've also heard so many men say, oh, my God, I meet women on these apps and all they want is a free dinner.

I think it serves you tremendously in your career, what you're doing. Like, this is what I mean by masculine thinking. I want to get from point A to point B. And here's how you do it. And I'm going to figure out what to tangibly do to me. OK, so I'm going to offer to pay for the drink after he pays for dinner. I'm going to do you create this step. That is a very masculine, heavy approach.

What I want you to do is not think about the strategy when you connect with a guy who you're attracted to and who seems like might be a good fit for you. I want you to intentionally soften, not because you can't survive without him. You don't need any man to survive and to thrive in the world. We know that, you know that, he knows that. None of that needs to be said or articulated indirectly or directly, right? What I want you to do is be in softening and receiving mode. you're thinking to like, if then strategy, like what I want you to do is be fully present in the

moment and looking for ways to receive and to soften and to make way for him, right? You can change every light bulb in your house, but he's going to want to feel like you really want him to change the light bulbs. I mean, that's a metaphor, right? Like you can take care of yourself, but for a powerful man who's really in his masculine, which is what you want, right? Cause those are the guys you're attracted to. If you want a man who's really in his masculine, you are going to have to soften and be in your feminine around him, which means if I needed to put it in practical terms, receive, receive, receive. Okay. That doesn't mean you're using him. And if a guy in his masculine is going to be offended, you know, that doesn't mean you can't say, can I contribute

something to dinner. Can I buy you a drink? But that's very different than being like this time I'm buying the drinks because you know what I mean? It's like a very different energy. So it's about being as soft and receptive as you can, because by the way, that's the only way you're going to survive in a relationship with an alpha male. And this isn't a criticism. I had to learn it too. My mother put me to bed every single night, making me promise I would be freaking president of the United States and that I would never depend on any man. And I could, you know, take care of myself. And I did all of that. And I wanted a really a man who was really in his masculine. I wanted him to be take charge and protective and strong and confident.

And I had to literally I mean, thank God he was strong and confident. That's enough to do this and helped me. But I had to really condition myself to realize the difference between power and control. Exactly. And to really soften and to not have to control things and to not have to be the one in power and to let him take the lead and to notice the places where he was leading and tell him how much I appreciated it. Like, oh, you know, oh, thank you for opening the door. That's really sexy. I really appreciate that. Oh, thank you so much for dinner. It feels so good to be taken care of. Right. I would love those things. And I'm a hundred percent on your page and I appreciate you providing that guidance and advice, but a reality that I'm also dealing with is that I feel

like when I have tried those techniques or try to lean into it a bit more, I feel like I'm let down by men. They say that we, as women, I don't want to generalize things too much, but my perspective, we, as women are better at planning, following through, like making things happen. And like, for example like maybe this is a poor example but valentine's day is my favorite holiday there's a guy that i like we're not together or anything like that but like gave him so many hints no car no text nothing what kind of felt like a slap in the face yes it's a heightened day of the year but i also feel like other circumstances him or other guys i've encountered yeah just like so what are you up to oh i'm free on friday like i'm literally like telling you like i'm available

he's not for you. He's not for you. And there will be a lot of frogs that come through, right? The one that is really for you, the one who is really in his romantic masculine and is attracted to you fully and really wants you, will sure as shit show up on Valentine's Day, right? So that's information for you. Listen, regardless of your sexual orientation or your gender or your relationship status, every single one of us has struggled at one point or another with a lackluster or disconnected sex life or difficulty finding the partner that we most desire. So I have designed an amazing program for you, Seven Days to Better Sex. Each day, you're going to get a video and an information packet all designed to help you jumpstart your love life. Just go to www.drlauraberman.com.

Let me just ask you this, and I'm going to take you through a process right now. What is it that you are looking for in a man? What, when, if I said to you design your perfect man, what would it be? I want someone who is family oriented. So at first I wasn't open to someone coming from a divorced family. Now I am so long as they have a strong relationship with their parents or open to fostering that someone who's adventurous, they might not have to be as well traveled as I am, but they're open to exploring New York city where we live or where they live or hopefully the world at some point, someone who is ambitious. So I know that on social media, there's a conversation about someone in the public who made a comment about a bus driver and that she said she would

never be with a bus driver. I don't think that I would lean towards that necessarily, but I would lean towards someone if they're a bus driver and they aspire to own a bus company. Right. Or they were in school. They had a plan. Correct. All right. So let me back you up for a minute. The first thing you said was family oriented. This is where we start to go. None of what you've said, there's nothing wrong with anything you said, but here's, let's just get to the nitty gritty of manifesting love. Okay. And when we're done, I want you to read my book, Quantum Love, or listen to it because this is going to really fine tune this for you. The key to manifesting anything, but especially in your love life is to translate what you just said into feelings. Okay.

So if you're with a man who is family oriented, meaning that he really values family, he's close to his family, how does someone like that make you feel being with them? What is the feeling? Because what we're looking for with anything we want is a feeling, whether it's a new car, a new job, whatever, we're really wanting to feel a certain way. So you want a man who is family oriented, adventurous and driven because you're not even conscious of this, but because you want to feel a certain way. I want to feel secure, meaning family to me equates to security. Meaning that he's not going to leave you,

that he's going to really, he's committed, right? So it makes you feel safe. Correct. Yes. Safe. Safety is super important. Ambition means to me, like having the mindset to grow. I want to grow so we can grow. So how do you feel when you're growing? What's the word that I feel? I feel it's excited. A good word. I feel, yeah, I feel excited. I feel energized. I feel motivated. I feel like I'm, I'm actively doing something. I'm becoming better. I'm creating something. It's a creative thing, I guess you could say. Right. So you feel excited, inspired and safe. and then when they are adventurous when you're with someone who's adventurous someone who's willing to let go and let flow so like how you feel when you're with them yeah like i'm not

saying like the fear of the unknown but like that you know when you're like on a roller coaster you're at the top you're sitting in the front little seat and you're about to go over you're like oh my god is this gonna be fun or it's gonna be scary like it's just like those butterflies in your stomach. Adventure just leads to something new. And I just, I like that feeling. So excitement, right? That's a feeling of excitement. So excitement, inspiration, and safety. Yes. Those are your three key feeling words that you're looking for. Okay. And that's what I want you a to use as your compass and litmus test. And all of you like, stop thinking about, does he do this? Does he do that? Should I say this? Should I do that? Am I feeling the energy of safety

right now or in this moment? Am I feeling the energy of safety, inspiration, excitement? Does this person in our conversation engender, not that you're going to automatically feel safe with a stranger, but you know what I'm talking about. And I also, this is key, key, key when we're manifesting love. I want you to cultivate those three feelings as much as humanly possible in your daily life. So safety is ultimately created within ourselves, right? I mean, yes, someone else's actions and behaviors can help create that safety, but you can be someone who's the safest human on the planet. You can be with someone who's the safest human on the planet and still feel unsafe, right? So that safety is really sourced inside ourself. So I think what I

want you to do for homework. And this is what starts to make you a magnet for the kind of men you want and the kind of people you want in your life. Because I'm guessing it's not just men you want. You want a whole community of people like this, right? This is how you want to live. And this is how you want to feel in life and in love. So safety, inspiration, and excitement. I want you to cultivate those feelings and live in them as much as humanly possible and set that as your lens and your compass. So when you're walking down the street or home from work and all of a sudden I'm making this up, you see it's karaoke night, right? And you feel a little hitch of excitement like, oh, it would be kind of fun to go in there and just like step up on stage instead of keeping

on walking, go in there and do it, right? Because you're going to feel that excitement or that sense of adventure right or new from nespresso blend wellness into your coffee routine with the coffee plus range infused with functional benefits choose the coffee you love with added b vitamins like coffee plus b12 to help support immune function and coffee plus b6 to keep your day moving or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight our new double espresso with ginseng extract whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on Nespresso.com. If you're feeling a little unsafe in work or you're feeling a little nervous and, you know, what would make me feel safe right now? Well, going home and cocooning under all the pillows or

whatever it is, right? I want you to cultivate that as much as possible because what you are doing then is moving your body into the energetic frequency of those feelings. That's what all of the law of attraction is. It's matching the energetic frequency of that which you want to create. So as you live, if you can live in these feelings 51 percent of the time, you will be astounded by the people and experiences, men and women who know men. You know, it'll be it'll be a friend that suddenly says you meet and is going on an amazing adventure. And then her brother is coming on the trip. Right. Like you don't know how this is all going to pan out. But this is what really being in divine creative aka feminine energy really is right so and I get into this

a ton in quantum love in the book so it'll really parse out for you the specifics of how to do this but even if you go to my website to the quantum love page if you go to drlauraberman.com back slash quantum love and you go to those meditations go to the manifesting meditation it will walk you through the process of moving your body into the energetic frequency of those feelings. You can even use your imagination. You don't have to necessarily find those opportunities to feel those feelings in the world around you. You can actually move your body into the energetic frequency through your imagination. There's a specific technique for doing that. But the more you do that, the more you are going to become an energetic match and therefore a magnet for men who

will match your frequency. And then not only are you going to get a much better caliber pool of dates, then the goal is to really be in faith and surrender. Like I'm just going to go on this date with no agenda, with no rules, with an open heart and looking for ways. My only agenda is to look for ways this man, I can really, not in a selfish way, but I can allow myself to receive. I'm going to give too. I'm going to be my usual charming self and I'm going to be curious about them and interested in them. But I'm also going to kind of step back a little bit and really receive, receive what they have to offer, look for things to appreciate about what they have to offer and comment on it so that there's no question in this

guy's mind who I'm really attracted to and has all the qualities that I want, that there is room for him in my life that he is additive and can be additive because I feel like that's a big piece that's been missing as well as like the frequency match no I really appreciate this I think I can like reflect back on scenarios situations and people where like yeah so and so didn't have the three things I was looking for so like why did I even or like out and about where I have had fun i think i just have to like the last thing i probably need to work on is that like i think i'm good at showing myself authentically yeah to the world but the other week i was out at a like a bar in like fort lauderdale area with like two of my girlfriends and some guys came up

to talk to us and they i think they were more attracted to my friends which is perfectly fine i wasn't feeling these guys one of the guys i was talking to and i was like oh you know like i noticed that like your guy friends bought my friends drinks like why didn't they buy me one or he was like oh you were in the bathroom music but also like you don't come off as a type of woman where a guy's gonna come up to and just like buy your love with a drink and no I'm not the type of woman who is gonna have my love be bought with a drink but like sometimes it just feels good to be appreciated and like yeah I don't want to have like a resting bitch bitch face which I don't have I think I just I think I have a confident demeanor where it's like oh like you

have to come correct to me. And I've been told that multiple times. You can be confident, but soft and receptive. And I think that's an art that we're, that not most of us develops. We're either taught to be doormats or we're taught to be ball busters. Yeah. And the key is in like, okay, I am so strong and I can take care of myself, but I also really enjoy being taken care of and I can soften. Like there's a softening that comes from confidence, not from fear. It's a very different softening and it's one that's very nuanced, right? It could be very different, that softening coming from fear and neediness and inadequacy. Like I'm a mush. I can't be strong. I don't know how to be strong, soft

versus it's fun to be soft. It's in flow to be soft. I love receiving. And imagine you coming over and talking to me because I think you're hot or I think you seem sweet or whatever. Like you can start playing with this as you start to move into these frequencies more.

My last thing I'd actually want to add to that to ask is, so I can visualize, is there like a celebrity archetype that would represent what you're telling me? No one's perfect to a T, but like a blend of this. you have to tell me someone who's safe and oh no no i think what do you mean on the other side the archetype of like of a soft of us yeah like i'm just trying to visualize like yeah you're trying to visualize gosh that's a good question let me think i don't want to mention kim kardashian

because in my opinion no no she's not she's not she's super intermasculine but she comes off as a way where like i'm not saying ditzy at all but she comes off yeah no not we're not talking about ditzy. I think if you move into the energy, I want you to do these meditations because I think like even before you go into a bar or into a party or in a date, I want you to move your system into the energetic frequency of she who is safe and protected and inspired and connected and excited by someone else. Because what we're looking for in this scenario, you can already provide your own excitement. You can travel the world and make friends and do it like you don't need to provide your own excitement. What we're wanting to build now is the energy of receiving that from other

people. Like I am feeling excited by you. Right. I am feeling safe around you. I'm feeling seen by you really inspire me, right? So being in that scenario, and I think you'll understand this more when you do the guided meditation and it takes you through the process of imagining, you can see a scenario in your mind and you don't even necessarily need to know what that person looks like, but it will move you into the energetic frequency. I think your question is also a really important point that we don't have a lot of archetypes for this. And I think for you, you're so practical. I can tell by your questions and the nature of the questions you're asking. I'm sure it's a huge part of your success in life. And I don't want that to go away,

but I really want you to build the non-practical muscle, just the not knowing, being in the openness and the curiosity and the receiving and the softening and the faith that that. I don't need to create a whole paradigm here. All I have to do is move into the energy of that which I desire and open to receive. That's it. Thank you. I appreciate it. I can't wait to obviously read your book, go on your website and check out the meditations. And I definitely will keep you posted. But yeah, keep us posted on how it's going. And if you think of how this how I evolve. Yeah. And if you think of a good archetype, let me know. I'm always horrible coming up with celebrity examples, but I can't really think of one because I think mostly

because celebrity archetypes are so stereotypical, right? They're either like Betty Boop or the Ball Buster or the Seductress or whatever. And they're all externally referenced, right? Like I want to get the man or I want to get a ring on it or I want to get the next date or whatever. And this is about just like knowing that all you have to do is become a frequency match, soften and receive and ask and it is given. Great. Thank you so much. You're welcome.

Keep us posted. I guess I'm falling in love Baby, you're my rockstar Smashing all my guitars One day I will charge you For breaking my heart