Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Having Sex After Baby: Yes, Birth PTSD is Real!

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

"On this episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman talks about Birth PTSD. This is a rarely discussed topic that impacts men and women alike. “Going through labor and delivery is a massive experience that can take a physical, emotional, and spiritual toll,” says Dr. Berman. “Even if you had a ‘normal’ birth (using the word normal loosely, as all births are different and special in their own way), you might find that you are having a hard time getting back into sex. Once the doctor gives you the green light to have sex again, you might find that one or both of you are having a hard time getting back to your old sex life.” That’s because, says Dr. Berman, your sex life likely won’t ever be exactly the same…and that’s okay. “Sex after childbirth is different, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing at all. On the contrary, many parents can find that their sex lives will deepen and improve over the years, but often times there is also a period of adjustment where one or both of you may struggle to get back into the saddle,” says Dr. Berman. “Men are often nervous or even frightened to have sex with their partners after they have given birth, especially if they witnessed their partner giving birth. They may be afraid of hurting their partner, and they may even fear that they won’t be able to satisfy her.” Dr. Berman also says that new moms often struggle with feelings of discomfort or shame around their bodies after childbirth, especially if they had a difficult labor. “If you didn’t feel respected or safe during labor, or you felt as though you ‘failed’ in some way to deliver in the manner in which you hoped, you might no longer trust your body as you once did,” says Dr. Berman. “You might have feelings of resentment or anger about the way your birth was handled and you might be afraid to feel vulnerable or exposed after that experience.” Dr. Berman talks about therapy can help to heal trauma and what couples should do if they are struggling from birth PTSD. " Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love-sex relationship questions, and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love.

Welcome to the language of love, and I am here to talk about whatever's on your mind. if you have some wisdom to share, but also if you ever have a question about whatever's on your mind about love, sex, relationships, dating, mating, ovulating, raising sexually healthy kids, all sorts of things come up for us. You know, my whole purpose on the planet is to help us learn to love and be loved better. So I definitely like hearing your questions and you can always shoot them written as well. Speaking up. It can be about a friend or someone you know or a neighbor. It doesn't have to be about you necessarily. And I just actually, I think it aired today. They have a really quick turnaround, but I just came back. I actually landed at 4 a.m. last night because of

flight delays, or this morning, I should say. But I taped with Nick Cannon, his new talk show, and we talked about sex, but in particular, it was interesting because I didn't know this before I did the show with him. He has taken a vow of celibacy for several months. I think it's, started a few months ago and he's got 73 more days. He's counting down. And we had a really interesting conversation about the benefits and perhaps the drawbacks of celibacy. And of course, he has, I think, seven kids or something like that. But he also, I guess, part of it was that he had three kids. So he had a set of twins with one baby mama, and then another baby, like a few months later was born by another mama. So he had three kids, you know, within

a few months of each other. So I thought when I when I first heard that he was exploring celibacy and his therapist had recommended it, that it was because, you know, he was feeling sort of, you know, I struggle to even say sex addiction. I know a lot of people throw that term around sex addiction. And we can certainly talk about what that means. But I was thinking maybe it was something along those lines. But he's actually approaching it kind of like the old old school athletes, you know, how they used to tell the athletes don't have sex before the big game. He was launching this show. He has a lot of things going on in his life. And he decided with his therapist that this way he doesn't have any distractions, especially because he's not in a relationship right now. So, you know, the idea of getting with women and, you know, connecting them, it's not like he probably has to work hard to get them. But, you know, the chase, the whole thing can be a real distraction. And so he decided he's going to be celibate. So it was an interesting conversation. And that does not include self stimulation to him. So I am curious what you think about celibacy. What I was saying to him is that, you know, sure, I think it's an amazing reset.

I think if you have been really distracted, and that has been something that you use to distract yourself from pain, or that you can get really caught up in things, which he sort of alluded to that he could, he said, he has a tattoo of a heart on his on his wrist, because he gets he gets attached very quickly. And, you know, that kind of falls into the category of what I like to say, crazy gives good sex. I see so and this tends to happen. This is not to disparage women. But I do see that it tends to happen with like really sweet guys who kind of wear their heart on their sleeve and they get sexual with a woman really quickly, whoever it is. And the sex is amazing. And she's wild and crazy and, you know, brings her freak out. And he's all into it and gets so attached and excited and like thinks he's in love. And then three months in, you know, once he actually gets to know her beyond the sexual realm, he realizes, you know, she's a little cray cray. And part of that is because sadly, in our society, even still, you know, there are plenty of women who are very emotionally healthy, you know, who are open sexually and grounded and comfortable with their sexuality. But quite frankly, that's not nearly enough of the women out there. Not many of us are. And so it's often the women who are kind of marginalized by society or uninhibited in other areas of their life or not in control of their emotions in other areas of their life that tend to be the most uninhibited, you know, which is the silver lining, but

the most uninhibited in the bedroom. And sometimes I've seen many a man get caught up in that. So it sounded like he was kind of alluding to that, too. But that was an interesting conversation. I haven't talked about celibacy in a while and all the different applications of it. And, you know, and we're not talking about celibacy for life. We're talking about kind of a reset. But one thing that he was definitely resistant to is when I said he was talking about how he can be he's going to be sexual, I guess, in the new year. And he wants to be in a monogamous relationship. And I guess another one, in addition to the baby mamas he's been with already. And I said, you know, well, you should not have sex until you are both clear that you want to see if you can make a relationship work. And he looked at me like I was crazy.

so anyway you let me know what you think about that or anything else on your mind yeah what's on your mind i had uh i thought of it when i had a guest on my podcast the other day stephanie arnold i don't know if you know her she died for 37 seconds she had a premonition and she's had several but that one came true when she delivered her child and so during the podcast she said at one point because i said well you and your husband are really an amazing example to uh people out there you know in terms of parenting etc and so she said actually our marriage took a hit when i died and came back because my husband never believed me that my premonition was going to come true and so she said it took five six years for them to recover

sexually. What was, do you mind me asking what her premonition was? That she was going to die delivering her second child. Oh, okay. So she died. All right. So she had told him she was going to die. He didn't believe her. And then she actually did die and came back. She did. And so she was able to tell them things during her coma. She was in a, you know, everything. So anyway so she said it just she stopped me in the middle of it and said you know actually our marriage took a real hit in the bedroom yeah and so i know there's no timeline for everyone sort of like grieving you know as you know very well there's anybody you know things take different timelines depending on the person but in a relationship what what are some of the tools

to put in your toolbox when you feel like there's been a hit to the relationship in the bedroom or just that emotional connection so that you can recapture that. I think, you know, just in terms of the example you're giving, it's a really powerful example for many reasons, but in terms of your question about, and we've talked before on the show about the differences between men and women and how we kind of experience our sexuality. And my guess is the reason their sex life took a hit is because she felt she was really struggling with his lack of confidence in her. And she saw something very clearly and he was unwilling to meet her there. And as a result, because she felt it so strongly and he was unwilling to be even open to that, she felt angry, rejected, disconnected

as a result of that. I mean, I can imagine having a premonition like that and having your husband and treat you like you're nuts or whatever, you know, it's going to affect the trust. It's going to affect the open heartedness. It's going to affect the emotional connection. And that is the place from where women really find their sexual desire. So more often than not, it's not that men don't have feelings too, and, you know, lose their desire when their wife or their partner is really nasty to them or whatever. But in general, women are much more affected sexually by a lack of emotional connection than men are in relationship. And so I think that's important to note in answering your question. You know, it doesn't mean that he has to believe like just like I like to do

using myself as an example, you know, my nickname for my husband who I adore and have been married to for almost 20 years is send your root chakra because while I'm up in woo woo land and I drink the Kool-Aid and I fundamentally know with every cell of my body and with my own life experience that there is so much beyond our perception that energy is real, that there is a spiritual life, that we're spirits having a physical experience here, that we live many lives. I could go on and on. My husband believes that when you die, that's it. You cease to exist. You've never existed before this life. You don't exist after. He doesn't really believe in anything metaphysical. And yet somehow he does not. I know that he knows that he doesn't challenge me. I don't need him to

subscribe to what I subscribe to. He respects me. He sees what my beliefs, how that shapes my life. And I have actually seen him over the past several years become a little bit more open to things as he watches me, although I don't know that he would ever admit that. But if I needed him, and you alluded to the grief, like after our son died six months ago, we've grieved in very different ways. I'm in it all the time. Not that I'm in pain all the time, but it's just part of me. And he can, like many men, male minds, is a very good compartmentalizer. So he can just push it aside. And that's part of his survival. And in the beginning, part of me wanted to judge that. But I very quickly learned that we all grieve in such different ways. And who am I to say the right or wrong way to grieve? But if I believed, like the guest you were referring to, if I believed that and I got a very clear message that I was going to die and I tried to tell him that and I knew it like with every fiber of my being and he was just poo-pooing it, that would be hard, wouldn't it?

I mean, I would find that hard to connect with him then, because here I am telling you I'm going to die and you just don't believe me. So, I mean, I can't imagine thinking I've never had a premonition like that, but I can, I can empathize with her from that standpoint. So I guess long winded way to answer your question is that more often than not, when there's a sexual discord in the relationship or a sexual disconnect, it's not actually the sexual issue. It's a reflection of a larger disconnect in the communication, in the connection, in the trust, in the vulnerability, in the willingness to be open to one another, in the willingness to literally open to one another, that's where the attention needs to be paid. And even just to speak to this, when I, through the

years, have hired sex therapists to work in my practice, I train them extensively, but I won't even take anyone on who doesn't have extensive general couples therapy experience. Because sex therapy is the easy part. It's very practical. The part that is complex is the way in which the sexual issues are a symptom of other things going on and the ability of the therapist, coach, whoever it is, to address those things that are underneath the sexual struggles, whatever those are. Does that make sense? Yeah, definitely. And I mean, to be fair, her body was mangled afterwards also, besides the C-section, she had a hysterectomy that was part of her premonition. So there, there was definitely other, other. Wait, so I'm confused. Did she, I thought you

were saying she had the premonition told her partner, then her partner didn't believe her that affect their sex life. And then she had the baby and died and came back. But are you saying that she died came back and her husband still didn't believe her oh no he believed her after yeah yeah no so that you know the the bedroom stuff took a hit afterwards but yeah oh well that after childbirth any kind of childbirth yeah for many people even even if it was a very easy healthy childbirth a lot of relationships take a hit sexually because of hormones because of exhaustion because of whatever comes up emotionally as a result of being a parent or as a result of how you were parented. A lot of people struggle with PTSD that they didn't even know they had

once they have kids. So it's really common to have a big dip in your sex life. And if you're breastfeeding, I mean, there's all of these reasons. And if you had a C-section or a big tear or episiotomy that's complicated, that causes pain, that will affect things as well. And no one talks to you about that. No one tells you, women and partners, that after you have a baby, you know, for six months to a year after you stop breastfeeding, you know, certainly while you're breastfeeding, you basically have the hormones of a menopausal woman in order to make the milk. So you're going to have all the same sexual symptoms of dryness, lack of libido, difficulty responding than a menopausal woman has. And then it can take six months to a year for your

hormones to re-equilibrate. So just that piece alone does a number on women's sexual response, not to mention all the other factors that go into it. And if you don't have that infrastructure of good connection, trust and communication, it can be really hard to stay connected. You know, that's very interesting. So therapy for the couples is definitely something you think is a good option. Yeah, therapy or at least preparation. I don't think that every couple that has a baby, certainly if you struggle with any kind of fertility issues, you should be in therapy and sex therapy, because it's pretty much guaranteed to mess with your sex life a little bit or to a lot. But if it was an otherwise normal pregnancy, you know, I think it's about

preparation. You know, the doctors, the nurses, the midwives typically don't talk about this. Midwives may be more than the doctors, but most mothers and their partners aren't prepared for the way that childbirth and just having a new 24-hour need machine on your hands affects your energy, your hormones, your response, and that it's about understanding that and anticipating that using lots of lubrication, doing lots of foreplay, doing a lot of cuddling and connecting in physical ways that are non-sexual, continuing to really invest in making your relationship a priority when the pull is to both of you focus on the kids, you know, or this new baby that's come into the world. Not that you shouldn't take care of them and focus on them, but way too many

couples, you know, just lose all sight of prioritizing their relationships once this new life comes into being. And obviously in the very beginning, all hell is breaking loose and you're exhausted and your body is healing. But within three to six months, you should be getting to a place. And once the doctor tells you, you can have sex again, you should be getting to a place where you can start rebuilding the intimacy, knowing that sex is not going to be that comfortable. The first several times you have it after having a baby, even if you had a C-section, but especially if you had a vaginal delivery, which is like pushing a bowling ball through your pelvic floor and that it's going to feel almost like your vagina is in a different place.

You know, like nothing feels like it's in the same place anymore. And it kind of isn't, it all got moved out of the way and around to fit that baby in there. And now it's slowly coming back to normal. So to anticipate that, I think, you know, it's the same thing that they found with hysterectomies, you know, when you remove a woman's uterus, which by the way, they do way too often. And that can do a number, you know, that definitely can affect your sexual response. But when they've done the studies on how hysterectomies affect women's sexual response, when the women, first of all, the women who had pain or things were happening that caused them to get a hysterectomy, often if they had pain or discomfort leading up to the hysterectomy,

their sex life will get better. And typically it does because they don't have the pain anymore. But for all women, when the doctor warns them and educated them that about the recovery and that their sexual response may be a little bit different, they actually did significantly better post-operatively than when the doctor didn't talk to them about that, which unfortunately is more the norm. Where some see heroes and others see egos, Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes. A fad to some, the future of money to others. We see crypto's trillion dollar swings, the end of jobs or the end of human struggle. We see the endless funds fueling the AI hype While others follow the noise, we follow the money.

Learn more at Bloomberg.com. That's awesome. Thank you. I'd love to have you come and talk more about it on my show if you're ever interested. It's fascinating stuff. And, you know, I know you've talked about this before also. It's a little separate, so I don't want to go sideways. But in relationships, it's the same thing with signs, you know, not just a premonition, but just, you know, signs that might come into your path.

then you're like, that can't be a coincidence. Yeah. Well, that's my whole life. And I was just talking to someone the other day about this and they were asking, you know, the same thing that everybody asks after losing my 16 year old, tragically, how, I don't know how you get up in the morning. I don't know how you, and, and, you know, every, nobody knows. I would have said the same thing to a friend or a colleague before this happened. You don't know how you can't imagine it, right? But what I do know is that if I hadn't had that 10 years before he died of cultivating my spiritual connection, understanding quantum love, which is what I call it, that's the title of my book, but understanding how we are all in our own movies,

how everything is energy, how everything, I mean, we take in 40 billion bits of information into our brains every millisecond, and we only consciously process 2,000 of them. There's so much happening beyond our perception. And when you start to tune into it, there are signs everywhere. There is guidance constantly available to us, but most of us aren't aware of it. We're walking around in a dream. And that's, I guess, what awakening is. You wake up from the dream, and you realize what's really available to you. Had I not cultivated all of that, I probably would be in a ball in the closet right now, still six months out. But yeah, absolutely.

There are signs and serendipities and we're all being guided constantly. And we have so much more power than we imagine in all aspects of our life, in particular in our love lives and in our relationships. And that's what my book is about. It's about accessing the quantum field, which is basically the science behind the secret or the law of attraction, but like really harnessing your body's energy, the atomic energy, the frequency that we all emit to really create the reality you want in a relationship. And it really works.

Appreciate it. Sorry, I didn't mean to take. No, that was all very interesting. I think childbirth is traumatic almost no matter what. I mean, maybe I'm wrong about this. My wife went through a 36 hour labor, ended up going to C-section. It was supposed to be a home pregnancy and it ended up being an emergency transfer. I'm not gonna lie.

it's affected sex life in a lot of ways. And even up to this day, my son's having his 10th birthday and there's certain things that just aren't the same. So how do you differentiate if you're a somebody that has had something traumatic happen or, you know, just childbirth generally, what can someone do to either create a new story in your head or do something to maybe stop having that traumatic feeling that you associate with childbirth? Well, so let me just rephrase, make sure I understand your question or rephrase it. The question here that I'm getting is that for most women, I would say there, even if you go into it fully prepared and certainly your first childbirth, but for many women, every childbirth is a kind of trauma. Now let's just clarify that

there is a shift happening and there are many, many women doing home births and working with doulas and training and anticipation of the labor. And even then, they don't always have an easy time. But I think there is a trend toward a more going back to our roots. I think going into hospitals and lying on our back while we push a baby out is very different than how our bodies and our culture was designed for childbirth. So in general, our hospital system, our birthing system is kind of accidentally set up for safety and avoiding lawsuits, but it also is set up to traumatize. I know that's not their intention, but it often results in these traumatic, long, painful surgical deliveries. And that's more of the rule than the exception, unfortunately.

And so a lot, I think most women, especially if they had a really difficult labor and delivery, have some birth PTSD. And it's not really talked about because we're all supposed to be these, strong, powerful nature mamas. And because we have these beautiful babies, we should just be grateful for what we have. But I think with all kinds of trauma or anything really, that which you resist persists. And so if you find that your response, even just physiologically, that after three to six months to even a year after finishing breastfeeding, you are still in pain or things don't feel right or you have no desire, you must go talk to a medical professional. And it may not be your OBGYN if they don't have experience with this or don't address this. You may have to find

someone who specializes in sexual medicine or an OBGYN who treats a lot of people with sexual issues. But, you know, you want to address that on a physical level, certainly if there's been a physical change. But for many women, it's an emotional change where they have this almost like genital or body trauma associated with it. And so in those cases, and I feel like almost a broken record because this seems to come up in so many of these shows, but it's so powerful. So I keep recommending it, is somatic experiencing. If you've had any kind of trauma, but especially if you've had a physical trauma, I don't think there is anything, any other healing modality that in my experience, personally and clinically, with my therapist hat on and my woman hat on,

few things as powerful in healing as somatic experiencing, where you are literally moving the trauma through and out your body. And your body remembers whether you want to think about it or remember or not. Your body responds. It clenches. It cringes. It shuts down. It shuts off. And so what somatic experiencing does is the therapist who is specialized in this takes you through the process that bypasses your thinking mind and really moves into your body. And I cannot tell you how powerful it is. And if you go to, I think it's traumahealing.org is like the national or somatic experiencing group. And you can find people in your area that are somatic practitioners, somatic experiencing practitioners, but it's super powerful and super healing. And that would be the direction that I would send you if you're still struggling with what is very normal, but not nearly talked about post-birth trauma.

Yeah, it makes perfect sense. And I do believe there's certainly an emotional component, but I don't know. I'm guessing that. And so there's an emotional and then what's the physical component too? I think you have to look at both and they're not mutually exclusive. You could probably have both, I would guess. No, they're always both. I mean, because even if it's all physical, it creates an emotional outgrowth.

I mean, I see a question here that someone, even if it's not physical, creates an emotional outgrowth. And here is an email message from someone named Andile who says, I experience pain during sex. I bleed after sex. I've only done it twice in my life. And then I abstain because I feel like I will experience pain when I'm doing it again. Is it normal that I don't enjoy it because it's painful?

Yeah, it's normal not to enjoy it if it's painful. It's normal to avoid it. If it's painful, it's normal to anticipate pain and clench your vaginal muscles in anticipation unconsciously, and then it's more painful. So anytime there's pain, you have to address it physically as well as emotionally. And yes, from the emotional, physical standpoint, you know, somatic experiencing, but it's also medical. And even, you know, in this woman's case, Andale, but even in, you know, someone who's had a physiologically traumatic childbirth or any kind of pain, I always say incorporate gynecological physical therapy.

That is not used nearly enough, and most OBGYNs don't even know about it. So what I tell women and their partners is to go to the American Physical Therapy Association, APTA.org, go to the women's health section, find a pelvic floor, or sometimes they call themselves gynecological physical therapists, but find someone in that area in your neighborhood, call up your doctor's office. Even if you just talk to the nurse practitioner, tell them you want a referral to this person. And when they give you a referral, insurance will cover it. So that's what I would say to you, Andele, is that the first thing you want to do is figure out what's going on physiologically. Don't even try to have sex until you start to address that.

Because even if the core cause of your pain were to be addressed, and I see this happen all the time, the involuntary anticipatory clenching continues until you learn how to unwind that. And that's what the gynecological physical therapist helps you do. Not only identify if there's some pelvic floor dysfunction or muscular dysfunction or other kinds of biological or structural issues that are getting in the way, but they also help you resolve those and resolve the involuntary reaction your body has created to the pain. And that needs to be unwound before you can think about having sex with someone again.

And when you do think about it, it has to be with someone who's willing to move very slow and who you trust. Where some see heroes and others see egos, Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes While others follow the noise, we follow the money. Learn more at Bloomberg.com. And, you know, you wouldn't even start with intercourse. You would start with a finger, your own finger, and then you would go to dilators, starting off really, really narrow and slowly holding larger and larger dilators until you get to

the size of your average penis, you know? So there's a process of dealing with pain that is very practical and needs to be supported. Liv, are you there? Yeah, I'm fine, ma'am. What's on your mind? My question is that many people don't know what is the meaning of relationship. Because he doesn't know the meaning of humanity first. Because humanity just learned me how to live in a society.

And relationship learned me how to duty with some people. But people don't know what is the meaning of a relationship and he always thinks about himself or herself. So how can we trust anyone and make a good relationship and how to judge that he never cheated me in my next life? Let me just make sure I understand you. You're asking how do you trust in a relationship now if you've been hurt in the past? no i never hurt it but i i have seen in my society there is a mental pulse uh hurt yeah or you see people being hurt and abused and mistreated yes ma'am and so you're saying how do you heal from that and create a new relationship yes that yeah right okay yeah i mean, I think that is, that's the fundamental question. And what most of us do is we try to

muscle through and we try to get over it. Or we say the best way to get over that horrible, abusive relationship is to get under someone else, right? Which is the worst thing you can do, because what we tend to do, especially when we've been traumatized in love, and by the way, that can be traumatized. Most of us have our original trauma in our families of origin by the way that we were loved or not loved because children confuse approval with love, right? So even if we weren't physically abused, many of us were emotionally abused or raised by addicts or narcissists. So we will make, we will repeat the same mistake again and again and again, whether we want to or not, despite all of our best efforts until we heal from the trauma.

And often, you know, if you have been someone who had that trauma from childhood and then got into one relationship after another, where in one way or another, and it usually doesn't come in exactly the same package, that person either abandoned you or mistreated you or was some kind of addict, you know, you see the pattern happening again and again and again. The best thing you can do is like I was talking about with Nick Cannon in the beginning of the show, that the best thing to do is actually to be celibate for a little bit, not just sexually celibate, but relationally celibate and reset yourself while you do some deep healing. Because

if you try to get into another relationship, you're just going to make the same mistake again, whether you intend to or not, and despite all of your best efforts. So it's important to get into therapy. And in these cases where there has been trauma, and I'm not just talking about some physical trauma, but, you know, emotional trauma as well. You want to get into some talk therapy with somebody who has experience with trauma and recovery and combine it with somatic experiencing that I was talking about earlier. And this does not mean, by the way, and I'm a therapist that deals a tremendous amount with trauma and I have a history of trauma myself. So I understand it intimately. And I do not believe that we need to wallow in the hell that we experienced and relive

every moment. And, you know, a lot of therapists, you know, the way that they do trauma therapy is just like to have you stay, stay there indefinitely or for a long period of time. I don't believe in that. I do believe in claiming what happened and getting clear on what happened, but then it's about reclaiming it and healing. And so usually if you really commit to that and you've had a complicated trauma history or history of real mistreatment, then it would probably be six months to a year before I would want you to explore getting into a relationship again. And by then you will be so grounded in your healing and so clear on your worth and so clear energetically that you will attract in a very different and higher caliber partner who is not

going to recreate those same dysfunctional patterns with you. Hopefully that gives you some guidance. Let's go really quickly to you, Claudia. Tell us what your question or comment is. Thank you very much. My name is Claudia. I'm from Mexico City. And my question is about relationships. It's been a hard time, you know, like this pandemic around the world and how to date someone after COVID. Love after COVID is tricky. And in fact, we've been talking about doing a show on that. Love post-COVID. I'll surely be there. Yeah, because it's tricky. And it's, first of all, most of us aren't used to socializing after a year and a half in isolation. and everybody's got different opinions on vaccine

or not vaccine testing or not testing. But I think there's something cool about it because I'm, and this isn't because I'm conservative. I think anything goes sexually as long as it's consensual. But I do believe that if you want a monogamous relationship and this is not the way dating has been going in Tinder land over the past several years, but I think it's changing because of the pandemic.

If you want a long-term monogamous relationship, date as much as you want, but do not have sex with someone. Do not engage with them physically exchanging your sexual energy with them until you are both clear. Not that you're going to get married necessarily live the rest of your life together, but until you are both clear that you want the same thing, you're both interested in a monogamous relationship. That's what you're going for. Neither one of you want to date anyone else. And you kind of are clear about that. And you make an agreement that you will be clear with each other if that changes. And you're going to try to give it a go to see if the relationship can work. And that is when you engage sexually,

because if you do it sooner, you know, there's so many complications, especially with COVID right now. But just in general, it really muddies the water. And a couple of things will happen. One, you will filter out anyone who really doesn't want a monogamous relationship and is acting like they do on their profile because they won't stick around if you tell them that that's your, you know, and you say it nicely and you maybe the first time you kiss them or whatever, you say, listen, I just want you to know I'm really attracted to you. I've been having a great time with you, but I just want you to know where I stand. I don't have sex with anyone until I'm clear that I kind of want to pursue something with

them and I don't want to date anyone else for the foreseeable future and they feel the same way. And I just wanted to make that clear from the outset. Boom. If that guy or woman or whoever she is disappears after that, then you know that they weren't really interested in a relationship. If any stick around, then you know they want the same thing you do. And you're actually vetting them and getting rid of a lot of the players in the process.

And you're also protecting your body and your heart before you engage. because, you know, your sexuality is such an amazing, powerful, beautiful gift that I think it's really time that we claim that. That doesn't mean that, you know, we become prudes and don't have sex with anyone, but it does mean that we are extremely conscious about who we let into and share our sexual energy with. So hopefully that gives you a little bit of guidance. We'll do a show on post-pandemic sex. Yeah. What is it living? How much percentage need to sex to keep in a relationship? Oh, everyone's different, but I would say in general, in a healthy relationship, you want to try to have sex at least once a week that keeps you separated from roommates and

friends. You know, it really keeps that energy of connection strong, but you know, there's no hard and fast rule. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode of Language of Love. I love all these questions from you. And you remember that you can keep them coming. You just go to drlauraberman.com right there on the homepage. You can either leave a voicemail question or an email question. You can also go to speakpipe.com backslash language of love. directly and leave a voicemail question as well but it's sometimes easier just to click on the link I will meet you back here a brand new podcast is coming out next Wednesday so look for that make sure to subscribe if you like it and I'll see you next time on the language of love

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