Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Help, I’m Catching Feels…

Episode Date: July 10, 2023

Friends with benefits…it’s common in our dating vernacular now. A friendship where sex happens and no commitment beyond friendship. It can seem modern and cool and a great idea.  But I find in most cases, one person is benefiting while the other person is (probably secretly) hoping it’ll turn into more.   On this Language of Love Bite I discuss the hidden costs of being a friend with benefits and why it may not be as beneficial as it appears to be on the surface. Intimacy is one of life’s most pleasurable experiences and one we all deserve. But when the clothes come off, the lines can often become blurred. There are so many things to consider before embarking on this kind of relationship journey … So let's talk about it! Resources and Links Dr. Laura Berman Language of Love Podcast Laura Berman Instagram – Dr Laura Berman Facebook – Dr Laura Berman Youtube.com – Dr Laura Berman  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Someone just sent me this question, which is really common. Can a friends with benefits relationship turn into an actual relationship? Well, let's start by saying a friends with benefits relationship is a kind of relationship. It's just not a romantic relationship. And basically what a friends with benefits relationship is, is we

agree that we are friends. There are no romantic expectations. There are no relationship expectations. That's off the table. We're basically sex buddies and we enjoy each other's company, right? But what I find is that in 99% of the cases, at least one of you, usually always one of you and not the other, is hoping that they're entering the friends with benefits relationship, hoping that it will become more. Or maybe they started the friends with benefit relationship kind of unconsciously on a drunken one-night stand or just spontaneously, and they didn't really think it through. But now that it's continuing, they're secretly wishing for more. I see this all the time, that we settle for crumbs. We settle for these friends with benefits

relationship, hoping that that other person will eventually, the one who wants only friends, will eventually change their minds and realize how much they love us and how much they want a relationship with us. I am here to tell you it almost never happens, okay? So one of you is always wishing, usually secretly for more. The other is very happy with the circumstances

the way they are. And then there's a major heartbreak when the one who really wanted the friends with benefits relationship moves on to actually have a love relationship with the other, with someone else, stops having sex with their friend, and the friend who's been secretly harboring wishes for more feels devastated. So what do you do about this? I don't think you should have sex with anyone you don't want to fall in love with, potentially. I know that's a big statement, but it's the truth,

especially if you are a woman because biologically i wish we could have one night stands i wish we could have friends with benefits with no strings attached and find that easy but if you are having orgasms and really good sex as a female you are going to experience constant washes with every orgasm of oxytocin through every cell of your body oxytocin is the chemical of attachment it's what breastfeeding mother's release to bond to their babies. So every time you have sex with that friend who you're not going to have romantic feelings for, you are getting more and more attached. OK, listen, regardless of your sexual orientation or your gender or your relationship status, every single one of us has struggled at one point or another with a lackluster or

disconnected sex life or difficulty finding the partner that we most desire. So I have designed an amazing program for you. Seven days to better sex. Each day, you're going to get a video and an information packet all designed to help you jumpstart your love life. Just go to www.drlauraberman.com. So even if you claim that you don't want anything else, you are getting more attached and it's complicated. And it's really a question about what you really want. Okay. If you really, really, really do not want to be in a relationship with anyone, including this friend, okay, go ahead, have sex, friends with benefits, whatever. Just know that it's going to be a little sticky because you are going to have those feelings of attachment, but hopefully they will be compensated by the fact

that you really intentionally truly don't want to be in a relationship. But I find that that's the exception more than the rule, okay? What I would say to you is be clear about what you want and do not, under any circumstances, settle for less than that, okay? Do not settle for crumbs from someone when you want the whole cake. And if they can't give you the whole cake, move on. That doesn't mean you can't be friends with that person, but they don't get access to the pleasure that you're capable of giving. They don't get access to the most intimate parts of your being in your body without fully deserving it. Okay. And that doesn't mean that you can't have, I mean, I'm not saying you only have sex with the person you're going to marry and you'll, and I'm not

meaning to imply any of that. I'm meaning we, we have to get more conscious about who we share our bodies with and why and what our intentions are and get in integrity with that and get in clarity with that. That is how you not only protect your body and your soul, but it's also how you protect your heart, okay? And nobody deserves access to your body, the pleasure you have to give and receive without fully and completely deserving it. You get to decide who deserves it and what makes them deserving. But my suggestion is, if you are really looking for a relationship, whether it's a monogamous relationship or not, do not have sex with anyone who isn't looking for a relationship with you and who you aren't looking for a relationship with them, okay?

Leave that for something else. Go get your sex toys and get your sexual pleasure there and wait to have sex with the person who is going to meet you where your heart desires. Don't think that you are going to convince that person who has made clear to you that they are not available for a relationship. They are not going to show up for you in a relationship and they are not going to honor you as a romantic partner. Do not settle for crumbs. It is not worth it and they don't deserve it. That's all I got to say on the subject. If you want to talk more about this or any other topic, I'm always here for you, helping you learn to love and be loved better. I wrote me a prescription

But there's no cure for crying