Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Here's What Your Partner Really Wishes You Would Do in the Bedroom

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

On this episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman talks about what men and women really want in the bedroom. Do men and women really have such vastly different needs and desires in the bedroom? Is it true that men have much higher libidos than women, or that women can’t have sex without getting emotionally attached? Dr. Berman gets real about these intimacy questions and more, first explaining what truly makes a person desirable in the bedroom. And believe it or not, it has nothing to do with how big your breasts are or how long you can last during sex. “Think back to the best sex you’ve ever had,” says Dr. Berman. “The sex that made you feel the most turned on, desired, and powerfully connected to your partner. What made that sex so amazing? It probably had nothing to do with your partner’s penis size or whether or not they had a 6-pack or double D cups. It was probably about the emotional connection and the excitement you felt at being seen and loved and treasured for exactly who you are, and being able to give that same unconditional love back to your partner in return.” So knowing that passionate sex is more than skin deep, how can you apply this wisdom to your sex life right now to make yourself an even better sex partner? “Don’t assume that your partner wants what you want,” says Dr. Berman. “Be willing to stay open and curious about what things might make your partner feel desired and turned on. Ask questions. Pay attention. Don’t make it all about your assumptions or what your past partners might have liked. And, even if you have been with your partner for a long time, their tastes or desires might have changed. Sex needs to be ongoing conversation we are having if we want to ensure that both partners are getting their needs met.” Listen to this episode to learn more about how you can become a better partner in the bedroom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love-sex relationship questions

and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. What your lover wishes you knew about sex and intimacy and romance, everything else. And what you wish your lover knew. I think so often our instinct is to, from the time we start adolescence, really, and start seeing ourselves as sexual people and start really internalizing the idea that we want to have a love relationship in our lives, whatever our gender or sexual orientation

is, I think the default that starts to happen in particular in our society is that we really do actually focus a great deal on imagining and trying to embody what we think the person that we're going to be attracted to wants. I mean, women certainly do that with all of the effort and billions of dollars they put into their physical appearance, trying to meet some ideal that they imagine will make them more attractive. And, you know, men do that as well. Everybody does that in their own way. And so it's an interesting question to me, what your lover wishes you knew, because in many ways, we spend so much of our time trying to imagine what our lover would want us to be and trying so hard to be that. And I think that's one of the things that makes this

topic compelling. Oh, yeah, I want to know what my lover really wants me to be so that I can be that. But in truth, we'll talk about that. What I think from talking to the thousands of people and hearing so many stories that I have over the years, what partners are really looking for in a satisfying sex life. And it's a little bit different if we're going to generalize in terms of gender. But the big thing is that it really starts with actually asking the opposite question, because the biggest complaint I get from men, women, and everyone in between, that they wish their lover knew was not only what to do to sexually satisfy them, but what they liked

and what they wanted and the ability to communicate that. So, you know, when we think about what can I do, be, or try to entice my partner, it often starts just by figuring out what you want and knowing that and being able to communicate that. And we'll dive into more, you know, I want to definitely leave it open for questions. And I love answering your questions. You can shoot them in that little arrow. You can ask written questions, but I also love, and you just ask out loud, even if it's about a friend or a colleague or someone, you know, or an anonymous someone, you know, just to kind of get the questions out there because it's so much more fun to talk about it from that perspective than from me, you know, waxing

philosophical about this, which I absolutely can for hours, if you let me, about what I've learned, you know, in terms of the kinds of things people say they want. But I'm also curious what you all think. What are the most common misconceptions or things that people think they know about their partner and what would please them sexually, but they're actually wrong? What are some of the most common things that they got wrong? Yeah, I think most commonly, if we're going to generalize, it's people getting wrong what women want and typically men getting wrong what women want. And that's usually because they have been innocently misguided or accidentally, let's just say misguided by porn. I can't tell you. And actually, I would say this goes both

ways. I've heard actually from an astounding number of heterosexual men who are, you know, out there in the dating world again, you know, after being in a relationship or married for sometimes decades, or just been in a long-term relationship and back out there. And it seems extremely common now for me to hear from men even, as well as from women, that there's this expectation around choking, for instance. And because there's this kind of kitsch and this trend of porn that shows, you know, asphyxophilia, like choking someone out during orgasm, and it intensifies. You can imagine it cuts off your airway. It sets off all sorts of chemical reactions. It's very dangerous because you might actually suffocate. But you see it a lot on the

raunchier, kind of more cutting edge porn that a lot of people are starting to explore because they've explored every other kind of porn. And I've heard from so many guys that they'll go out on a date with a woman and the woman will start saying, choke me. And what I try to explain to these guys is that nine times out of 10, the woman is only saying that because she thinks that's what he wants because she's been seeing and hearing about all this porn and all the guys that think it's so cool. And so she thinks, oh, in order to be really desirable, in order to kind of give this guy a great sexual experience, I'm going to be like a porn star. And when I ask groups of women, if you wanted to choose between being a sexual goddess and being a porn star, which would you

choose. It's amazing to me how many women, you know, to your partner, like if, you know, in your sexual relationship, I don't mean for a job, in your sexual relationship, would you rather be a sexual goddess or a porn star? And almost always I hear from a huge number of women who say they want to be a porn star. And when I ask them why they chose that, it's because they think that will make them more desirable to potential men. And that that's what, and so they try to act like a porn star. They try to be a porn star, which of course means doing very little around their sexual pleasure and also kind of carrying out this charade that really isn't about their personal, pleasurable, empowered sexual energy. And so maybe it titillates and entices that guy for a little

bit, but eventually it gets pretty old and she's not really coming by it authentically. And so I think a lot of people to answer, that's a long way of answering your question, which is what's the most common mistake. The most common mistake is getting your sex education from porn or making too many assumptions about what you think men in general want and women in general want, especially if you're getting those lessons from popular media, for sure. If I had to give sort of a big flash headline generic, you want to sort of start here. And that is know your own body, know what stimulates you get really comfortable positively directing you know not in a really controlling way but in a really encouraging way a partner about you know directing a partner about

what turns you on and what you enjoy and be super curious about what your partner enjoys and keep as much of an open mind as is comfortable for you but at the core of what I always hear people asking for and it may come in a number of different packages is I want to be with someone who's confident, knows their own body, and is open-minded enough and comfortable enough with their own and other sexuality that I can feel comfortable saying what I like. And if you can just achieve that, you've made it 80% of the game. Why do so many people get it wrong then? What is the biggest roadblock or obstacle getting in people's way? I think we make a lot of assumptions about what we think men want, what we think women want. Women think that men want a porn star. Men think

that women, you know, are all porn stars or want some huge monstrous penis and that's all they care about. You know, we all kind of we do this in love and in all relationships. We all kind of project our stories onto someone else. And I think that's because we don't have another reference point. Popular media and pornography kind of set us up as a de facto sex education. And it's not really what fulfills people. It might be, you know, I think also online dating has done, while there've been many advantages to it, it's done us a disservice, especially pre-pandemic when there was a lot of kind of meeting up and hooking up and ghosting and stringing a lot of people along at once that we almost become desensitized. And I've noticed, especially

among women out there in that kind of context, you know, in that intensive online dating, throwing your net really wide, they would want to do something to stand out and like they have to really make an impression. So they would feel like they needed to be this like crazy porn star in order to get that second date, which would be great if she really was an into being a porn star, right? That would be fine. Then she's really being her authentic self. But what I saw more often than not is that women would do that, you know, in the same way they would put on fake guy lashes, you know, two little chicken cutlets in their bra to make them look bigger and some Spanx. They're not really showing up as their authentic self physically or sexually. And I

think that isn't, well, first of all, we all know that's impossible to sustain. Eventually the Spanx come off, you know, and eventually your own sexual needs have to play a role or your desire not to be a porn star and really to express your sexuality authentically. If you're going to be satisfied and the relationship is going to have legs, you know, that has to come forward. And what I saw happening is that people were putting this kind of false self sexually and otherwise forward in an effort to stand out, get the next date, be at the top of this crazy heap of swipe lefts or rights. What are the top two or three things that stand out in your mind from a man to a woman and the other way around? Yeah, I think a woman wants what she most wants her lover or which I hear

most often, the biggest complaints is he doesn't, and in a long-term relationship, she doesn't get enough, like she doesn't get enough sensual energy. Kissing, making out, that happens at the beginning of the relationship, but it starts to go by the wayside. And they wish, they long for more of that without it always having the expectation for sex. The other thing is that slow roll that women really love. And most women, a lot of women will say that when they hook up or go and try to pick up a guy or anyone, what they're really enjoying even more than the sex itself is the chase, is the flirtation, is the making out and the foreplay and the leading up to that, the, you know, the final act or the intercourse itself is, you know, okay. And often women with

hookups, they reach orgasm much less frequently than they do with a trusted partner. So it's not even really about that for them. But they miss that when they have a regular lover. So the idea of seduction, I think, is something that I hear very often from women. Physical and emotional seduction, flirtation, they really want and really sustains their sexual energy in a relationship. And then practically, I would say it's about more foreplay. And we've talked about this before on different shows, this idea of really maximizing the erogenous zones, visiting the, you know, breasts and genital last after you've made a lot of brush buys, you know, and going to other places and also not making orgasm for a guy, especially when he's from the woman's

perspective, not making orgasm kind of the final punctuation mark one way or another. In other words, sometimes she's not going to orgasm and she needs to, you know, to be open about that. And he needs to be okay with the fact that most women don't orgasm every time. And it isn't like all of this pressure where she can't really be in flow because she's worried that he's going to be upset that she can't orgasm. That's one side of it. And the other side of it is if he reaches orgasm and she wants more, you know, that

doesn't mean it's over. Be open to after play. So I think the idea there is that male orgasm, in terms of what they want their lover to do or no, male orgasm shouldn't have to be the only punctuation mark of a satisfying sexual activity in one direction or the other. So that's sort of what off the top of my head I would say are the most common things that women say they wish men knew in those heterosexual relationships. On the flip side, what I hear men saying they wish women knew they wanted was a lot more direct genital play much earlier. So they're sort of the opposite there to women. They want their genitals touched as soon as humanly possible. They don't need a lot of buildup.

They want to feel desired. So they do want their partner to initiate with them that that really matters to them. It's not enough just to have a sexual partner. That's great. And a willing sexual partner is important and crucial, but they want to feel like she or whoever their partner is proactively wants them as expressing that. And, you know, in whatever language really lands with that person, right? For some men, they love the physical affection, the butt tap or the penis grab when they're walking by or whatever else, where most women won't want that at all, especially if she's, you know, doing something else and not really in a sexual framework. So guys typically complain that they wish they got more of that kind of direct messaging and initiation from women, and they really want their partners to feel sexually confident.

And that means in asking for what they want and being vocal and, you know, with sounds and with enthusiasm and also in kind of being assertive about the sexual relationship, you know, really valuing it and cultivating it. I hear that from men often, that that's really missing for them. That's all at the top of my head. More will come to me. So the next question is a follow-up to that, which is why? Why is it that way for both, do you think? Because we both give what we want. Well, all of us do that.

Every single one of us loves in the way we want to be loved. We touch in the way we like to be touched. We're sexual in the way we enjoy being sexual. And, you know, we should be on all of those fronts. But where things go a little awry is when we make the assumption and when we're thinking about, OK, what would my partner want? And with all the best intentions, we think, oh, they would want this because I want this. They would enjoy this because I enjoy this.

And that's where I see men and women kind of falling short. No pun intended. You know, the guy we've talked about this before, like when a woman has low libido is an interested, you know, the guy thinks, OK, if I were a woman, why wouldn't I have low libido? how can I solve this problem? Let me be empathetic. If I were a woman, why wouldn't I want sex? Oh, my partner must not have a large enough penis. That's the reason I don't want sex, right? Because that's like all he could think of, you know, and that's all most men can think of us because in

their minds, like, why wouldn't you want sex? So he goes to the sex toy shop and he gets a huge dildo and he comes home to his wife with no sexual desire and says, look, here's the solution to her problem and doesn't understand when she looks at him like he's crazy because that's not because he's just making that assumption from his own lens of being a man and how he experiences his own sexuality. And women, you know, she'll be spending all this time kissing his neck and his inner arms and his shoulders and then gets insulted that he doesn't have an erection while she's doing all of this and thinking that he's not really attracted to her. And he's like, I'm just waiting for you to touch my penis. You might as well be touching my elbow right now.

but she's thinking like a woman. If someone was really sensually kissing me and cherishing me and moving down my body like this, I would probably have chills and I would be feeling aroused and my nipples would get erect or whatever else. And so she's just assuming he would experience it the same way. So that's all. We're just making those assumptions based on our own life experience. I'm actually curious about what your observations are when it comes to same-sex relationships because one would think that they at least have a better understanding of what they want. You know, that's all in terms of heterosexual relationships. In same-gender relationships, this is where I hear this from women all the time, especially women who now

identify as bisexual because they, you know, women by nature and by conditioning, this could be a whole other conversation, tend to be a little more fluid in their attitudes and openness to exploring different kinds of sexual attraction than men do. I think a lot of that has to do with the way we're socialized. But that's a conversation for another day. But what I do find often from those women who heretofore have identified as heterosexual and now either fell in love with a woman and are like, wow, I really am or want or proactively seek out a same gender sexual experience or whatever. And I hear time and time again how wonderful it is because another woman, very intimate, she knows her own body and what sexually satisfies her. She's probably going

to come pretty close, you know, with some tweaks and some adjustments to our individual needs and wants. She's going to come pretty close to sexually, you know, to having the basics down and having the same kind of instincts. Natural sexual instincts would be compatible with another woman. It's the same thing with two men. That doesn't mean you don't run into problems just like you do in heterosexual relationships. And in fact, even sort of other problems that we don't see as quickly or as overtly in heterosexual relationships, like the famous, you know, lesbian bed death, which basically is what women in same gender relationships call it when they get together and very quickly lose desire. The relationship becomes just very close,

but not sexual because for us, it's so emotionally connected. And so we see the sexual relationship continuing often longer and for longer periods of time in a heterosexual relationship because or in a same-sex male homosexual relationship because that natural testosterone libido thing is fueling initiating sex, seeking out sex, and creating a lot of it in the relationship. So I'm generalizing here, but that is sort of the trend that you see in different relationships. I have a question about being proactive when it comes to addressing the reality that we kind of do what we want instead of doing what our partner wants by default. So what are some specific steps that we can do to either remind ourselves of not using

our default mode, but really putting ourselves in the mindset of doing what our partner would want, not what we would want? what can we do proactively? Well, I think the time that most of us get proactive in our sexual relationship is when we have problems, right? When one of our part, when our partner either pulls away from a sexual relationship, when there's a sexual issue or problem or difficulty responding, or sometimes when there's a complaint, but I usually find that the complaint or for me, preferably the request, because I always encourage couples to kind of reframe any complaint as a request. That's a place to start when you want to change anything in your

relationship. Too often, because of the way so many of us were raised to not talk about this, to not have the vocabulary, to feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about sex. It's something you do, not something you discuss, you know, that a lot of people don't have the abilities. So that's why they start getting frustrated and pull away without saying anything. Or the person, you know, who doesn't pull away is just puzzled about what's going on and feeling rejected, but not really asking about it. So it's just like anything else in your relationship, maybe more so. You have to be willing and able to talk about this.

And it's one of the biggest frustrations I have. You know, I always say that we all need a course in marriage and connection and communication and fighting to love and not to win and sexual communication and cultivation before we get married, you know, the pre-Cana counseling that's out there that some churches do, lots of religious institutions don't do it, doesn't really get into much. You know, they get into a little bit about this kind of stuff, but not really. And I think every couple thinking about getting married, regardless of who you are and how old you are, should take, you know, a course or go to couples therapy preemptively to really learn these skills.

And sexual communication is one of those skills to really get comfortable, even just saying to yourself out loud in the mirror, what you want, what you want to try. You know, I always say what you want more of, what you want to try, what you want to be proactive about, where you want to be touched, how you want to be touched with what you want to be touched, you know, in what order you want to be touched. And I'm not saying you give your partner a 20 page document outlining and discussing every step and get micromanaging. But I am saying that we all like positive feedback, suggestions and requests when framed lovingly, encouragingly. And I think way too many couples just sweep that stuff under the rug. And I didn't really realize that, you know,

my family had a lot of issues and was very dysfunctional in many, many ways, but not in that way, which was kind of unusual and is still unusual to grow up in a family where it's totally fine to talk about sex and joke about sex and ask questions about sex. And it's just like talking about your elbow to talk about your nipple or vulva or penis. And but that's not the norm. And I think it should be. You know, it's so interesting, too, because we live in this society where it's almost taboo to talk about sex. And even you go back to school and you have sex ed, but they don't talk about things like this.

This was all over the nudes. A Dalton, and I wrote a blog about this because it pissed me off. A teacher at Dalton School, which is a very famous private school in New York City, got fired because she showed a video to young kids, like elementary school kids, where it was just talking about,

your body, my body. This is what happens with adolescence. And one of the characters said, you know, sometimes without me thinking about anything, my penis gets hard. What is that? And the teacher said, well, that's an erection. And then the kid, not the teacher, but the kid, the lady in the movie said, that's an erection. And then the kid said, well, you know, sometimes I want to touch it. Is that okay? And she's like, yeah, that's called masturbation. You do that in private. No one else should be touching you. That's, it's totally fine to touch yourself in a way that feels good. Like that is what I teach elementary school kids. That is normal. That is normal sexual development. And somehow that became evil and molested. I mean, I, people flipped out

and this poor woman got fired for teaching elementary age school kids that their body is theirs, that, that arousal is normal and natural because it is. And it happens at that age is especially as they're moving into adolescence for 50 years canadians have wondered what the names of ikea furniture mean like natopa the guardrail for children's beds natopa means giving your favorite person room to grow it means their safety and your piece of no in swedish means night monkey mom he's back ikea 50 years of swedishness at home look he's wearing little pajamas so cute and that you know self-stimulation is normal too and by the way don't let anyone else touch you and enjoy yourself but do it in private I think those are all important messages but it

just goes to show how far we still have to go that people are so up in arms about that and that somehow it's like disgusting to talk to a pre-adolescent who's about to go through this that we're all sexual beings and that sexual feelings are normal. I mean, we have documentation and video of infants masturbating in the womb. I mean, they do this from the time they come out just to self-soothe and we demonize them and make it all sexualized and freaked out. And it's silly because if we were more natural about it and understood it better and we're less scared of it, then it would be very easy for us to have these conversations with each other. What advice would you have for any parent listening

to have the conversation in a healthy way with their kids? Because to your point, it's lacking other places. Yeah, I just want to laugh because I'm thinking about my kids. I had to, I literally had to train my baby. You know, when we would have babysitters, we would go through, you know, these college kids that would babysit

while they were in school or for a few summers when we went out to dinner or whatever. And I would have to educate each babysitter that came through that a, my kids were nudists. So like, as soon as they came in the door, they would strip off all their clothes, my two youngest boys, until they were probably like in second or third grade, they would come out. And of course they were always playing with their penises because boys always do play with their penises. But what I would say to them very early is like, that's great. What you're doing, touching yourself. I can tell you, you know, you're

helping yourself fall asleep on the couch right now. You're watching the TV show and enjoying that. But your penis is your private part. And that because it's private, it's something that you touch in private. And it should feel good. And it does feel good. But it's something just for you. And by the way, no one else but you should be touching your penis other than mommy or daddy or the babysitter when we help you wash yourself. But if anyone ever touches you in a way you don't want to be touched, you always say no. You always tell mommy or daddy. We would have that whole conversation many, many, many times. And it got to the point where at any given time, you know, we'd be sitting around and one of my kids would say, I won't say which one,

because they would, you know, they'll get embarrassed if I get too specific, but they both would do this. One of them would say, okay, I'm going to go to my room now and touch my penis. And they would just excuse themselves and go up to their room while we continued watching the cartoon or whatever else. I mean, obviously as they moved into actual adolescence, you know, they weren't announcing it every time they self-stimulated, but they knew that no, they did announce it and called and told me about it. Actually, all three of them, when they first ejaculated, you know, boys start typically start masturbating before they actually ejaculate. And I heard about it, not at the moment, but I heard about it shortly after

with each of them. And I was like, Oh, congratulations. They already knew what it was. They had been educated about it. It was totally natural and normal. They were very proud. They didn't try to show it to me. We didn't get into some crazy discussion. It was just totally natural and normal. And I think I didn't do a lot of things right in my parenting, just like any other parent. But that, I think, the comfort that they had with it, the comfort they seemed to have talking about it, the many, many natural conversations we had, the way that they would just ask me

questions or ask about problems as they got older, worrying about reaching orgasm too soon, making sure they're lasting long enough. Is my penis big enough? Like these are the kinds of questions and the same kind of thing for girls that kids should be able to talk to their parents about. And they sure as heck aren't going to get the right answers from their friends. And it's not like they're going to get it in school and we don't want them to get it from porn or online. So we want to be their main sex educator. Yeah, thanks.

What's your question? I got married at a very early age of 21. and uh at that time i never i mean i never knew much about physical relationship yeah you were young when you were first sexual yeah yeah and i was sort of shy to let my partner know about my sexual fantasies yeah and so was she so for about five to seven years we continued like that and and then slowly slowly after watching some movies and my our friend suggested we watch porn and etc and that is how a realization came to us that there is more to sexual life than just having a regular sex and so how was it so that's really great because what you

I think what you experienced is what a lot of couples experience especially if they get married or get together before they've had, you know, before they've had other sexual partners or had an opportunity or even permission in some cultures or religions to kind of experiment sexually. So they're learning together. And, you know, without that information, the cool part is that a lot of couples would just drift apart or one of you would go and cheat or you would never really talk to about it, about it together. And what you're saying is, OK, it took five or six, seven years but eventually we both came together you know having heard a few things seen a few things come across a few things and we've been figuring it out together and I think that's fantastic

does Nim want to ask a question or make a comment what tips or what suggestions would you have about couples about communication about trying to keep it in the things in the forefront you know Yeah. And I think that you put your finger on it. If it's about keeping things going, right, if we're talking about an existing relationship or any relationship, really, you know, what I was saying earlier in the show about how important it is to kind of what most people want and what most men want in a female partner is confidence, not only with your asking for what you want and initiating sex and yes, making it a priority and making them feel desirable. But I can't tell you how many men complain to me that their female partners are so down on their bodies. You know, I'm fat. My ass is big. A cellulite.

They're constantly pointing it out. They're constantly complaining about it. And that's actually a turnoff, not because he finds her unattractive, these roles or whatever, but it's like he can't help but notice it where he wouldn't have noticed it otherwise. And she's constantly calling his attention to it. And just like with us, you know, a lack of confidence is not sexy. Confidence is more sexy.

You don't have to have reams of confidence. But when you start moving into overt lack of confidence and voicing that lack of confidence, that's not too fun. But I think what you said that was really important is keeping it at the forefront, because every sexual relationship, no matter who you are, I can promise you over time, it will start veering off course. That's just the way our society and our lives and where we put sex on the totem pole puts us,

where you kind of take your hands off the wheel of your sex life, of your romantic life, because you're busy with work, with stress, with kids, with job, with whatever. And then the next thing you know, you're way out in the fields off course. And so when you really keep it front of mind, in your own mind, or even better,

and I feel like I say this almost every episode in one way or another, I end up promoting scheduling it. But if you're struggling to keep sex and the sexual connection in front of mind and a priority in the relationship, then schedule it just like you do anything else important to your health and well-being of your relationship or of your life. You know, so you start really, it's that much of a priority, that it should be a sexual connection between the two of you at least once a week. If you want a really robust, romantic, fulfilling, sexually fulfilling, emotionally fulfilling relationship that is beyond roommates and best friends. And that seems to be something in the way our world is set up. Maybe that will change post-pandemic as a lot of people go to

remote working and other things, but I haven't seen any signs this is changing. So far, we still need to schedule it. That's amazing. Thank you so much. Thank you. Ray, did you want to weigh in here or are you just celebrating? I'm from Jamaica, right? And here there is a whole culture of you can't ask questions about it because you seem as if you're not good at sex. otherwise some seem in derogatory because we're a bit old-fashioned to an extent about a lot of things so I remember five years

ago I asked a friend about sex and he was like yo you know you're very direct because most guys would never ask that because they'd seem like less of a man and I was like okay so you know you don't get the opportunity to become better at it or get to network with people that much

here to find the other kind of google stuff or you know yeah i know that porn was never a good thing because some stuff on youtube i said hey porn gives you unrealistic expectations and it makes it's big it's built on large penises despite that they're paid to have you know the the the male they prioritize males who have large large size versus the average guy you know who may be an average size so that's the one thing Right. The culture and how it affects our ability to get like, for example, the guy that spoke before he was mentioning met some friends and he was getting information. And so he was incrementally getting better. You get me? Yeah. We don't really get to have that out here.

Yeah. You're going to have to educate yourself. And, you know, there's so many great books and resources, not porn, not only because it doesn't because the penises are bigger than normal, But even more importantly, I mean, that's not gonna make you feel good about yourself, but even more importantly, is that what is happening because porn is geared toward men and male fantasies. It's not geared toward female sexual pleasure. And so what they're showing that is happening, that's making the woman scream in ecstasy is typically, you know, not not really what turns a woman on either in pace, pressure, location or anything else. So I think it's really important to treat your sex education like you would your education on any other subject. You read, you read articles, you read books. There's so many great books out there. I have one I wrote called Loving Sex, which is all about, it has actual humans of all different shapes and sizes posing in positions and things together. There is, if you're a guy looking for information on how to sexually stimulate a woman, I just bought my youngest son this book because we lost the last copy we had somehow. One of my other kids probably took it, but it's called How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure

by Lou Padgett. That's a very direct and explicit book. She Comes First by Ian Turner is another really good book for stimulating a woman. So this is what you can, you know, yes, you're in this little cultural world and this could be whether you live in Jamaica or you live in South Carolina, right? You're in this little community where nobody's talking about sex and there's no one to ask without seeming like a pervert or a loser. And so how do you get the information and what's reliable information?

I agree with you that porn isn't reliable and a lot of the stuff online isn't that reliable. I have a lot of YouTube videos on sexual technique. A lot of other sex educators and therapists do. But if you go to my YouTube channel, if you read books, you're going to learn. What's the name of your YouTube channel? It's Dr. Laura Berman Official, I think. It's either Dr. Laura Berman or Dr. Laura Berman Official. But all my social media is Dr. Laura Berman.

How to give her absolute pleasure. She comes first. And loving sex. Those are the three books that I would recommend. okay and who is loving sex by by yours truly by me oh it's by you okay that's cool and um how to give her absolute pleasure is written by who oh how to give her absolute pleasure lou pageant p-a-g-e-t yeah thank you very much i really appreciate the information it's been i must be honest i learned a lot good

are black one of the things about Ramecom is that they don't necessarily a lot of them aren't necessarily into the

what you call the alternative aspects of pleasure like foreplay it's just intercourse straight intercourse because I know

girls will have told me that guys have tried other forms of you know foreplay with them and they were like they refuse the guys so like guys

are a bit afraid to kind of open up to other girls because you know this culture reinforcement so it's very hard to find people

Sometimes you need to find a girl who you're comfortable with since, you know, I'm sure you know what to do to go out and, you know, have casual sex with a lot of different women. But if you get with a woman who you build a relationship with even before you have sex and you get comfortable with her and there's trust there, then she'll probably be much more receptive and more into trying these other things. It's just that it's not really something that women in a lot of communities and in, I would say, more communities than not, most women don't know that they can or should expect that. They feel self-conscious. They feel embarrassed being on the receiving end. They don't feel safe enough with their person they're with. So it's not so much like all I like to do is be banged with no clitoral stimulation. That's not really what's happening.

You know, that's just not female anatomy. me it's just that they aren't really comfortable so they're not really open to that yet thank you so much for joining me on this episode of language of love i love all these questions from you and you remember that you can keep them coming you just go to drlauraberman.com right there on the home page you can either leave a voicemail question or an email question you can also go to speakpipe.com backslash languageoflove directly and leave a voicemail question as well. But it's sometimes easier just to click on the link. I will meet you back here. A brand new podcast is coming out next Wednesday. So look for that. Make sure to subscribe if you like it. And I'll see you next

time on the Language of Love. For 50 years, Canadians have wondered what the names of IKEA furniture mean. Like Natopa, the guardrail for children's beds. Natopa means giving your favorite person room to grow. It means their safety and your piece of... No. In Swedish, Natopa means night monkey. Mom! He's back! IKEA. 50 years of Swedishness at home.

Look, he's wearing little pajamas. So cute.