Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - How Long Do You Keep Trying When Your Partner Won’t Change? Laura Berman

Episode Date: September 2, 2026

What do you do when your partner keeps telling you they love you and want the relationship to work… but you’re the only one actually doing anything to make it better? You’re the one bringing up what isn’t working. You suggest therapy. You initiate the hard conversations. You try to repair after a fight. You read the books, listen to the podcasts, work on yourself and keep giving them another chance. And they say they hear you. They may even agree with you. But then nothing really changes. That’s the situation Sarah brings to me in this episode, and it raises a question I hear all the time in my practice: How long are you supposed to keep trying when someone says they want the relationship, but their actions tell a different story? Because love does matter. But love alone doesn’t make a relationship work. At some point, your partner has to be willing to help create the relationship they say they want. We talk about how to tell the difference between someone who genuinely wants to grow but is struggling, and someone who has gotten comfortable letting you carry the emotional weight of the relationship. And then there’s the harder question: If you already know this isn’t enough for you, what are you actually afraid will happen if you leave? For a lot of people, that’s where things get really interesting. We stay because we’ve invested years. Because we’re afraid of starting over. Because we hear a clock ticking. Because some part of us believes an unsatisfying relationship is still safer than the possibility of having no relationship at all. In this episode, I talk about: Why “I love you” has to be backed up by behavior How to know whether your partner is actually willing to work on the relationship Why you can’t do enough emotional work for two people The role fear plays in keeping us in relationships long after we know something has to change Why a clear boundary or ultimatum isn’t necessarily manipulation What to say when you need your partner to understand that things cannot continue as they are How to decide when you’ve tried enough If you’ve been carrying your relationship and wondering how much longer you’re supposed to keep trying, I want you to hear this: You don’t have to decide today whether you’re leaving forever. But you do have to stop confusing someone’s intention to change with actual change. At some point, you have to pay attention to what they’re doing, not just what they keep promising you they’re going to do. If you’d like to ask a question or get some advice [e-mail] or leave a voicemail at languageoflovepod.com to have your own question answered in a future session. And if you want to go even deeper, check out Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, because you deserve a love that shows up, not one that just talks a big game. And if grief or loss is part of your story, come find me on my other podcast, Crying Out Loud. I talk with leading experts, healers and people who have lived through profound loss about what grief does to our brains, bodies, relationships and sense of self, and what actually helps us find our way through it. You can find Crying Out Loud wherever you’re listening to The Language of Love. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Okay, Language of Love sessions, where I get to answer your questions, calls, whatever's on your

mind about life, love, relationships, dating, mating. I love hearing from you. You can always reached out to me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com or go to drlauraberman.com and you can leave me a voicemail or even make arrangements to come on the show live. We have an email here from Sarah. Let's see. She says, Hey, Dr. Laura, my partner is not a bad person, but I feel like I'm the only one doing the emotional work in our relationship. I'm the one who brings up the hard conversations, suggests therapy, notices when we're disconnected, and tries to repair conflict when it happens. They usually say they love me, they want things to work, but their actions don't really change. How long do you keep trying when someone says they care but doesn't seem to be

willing to grow? You know, what I find, Sarah, is that, first of all, it's not okay, right? Obviously, there's often one of you who's a little bit more attuned to growth, tone, connection, whatever. That's very, very common. But if you are struggling, you need to have a partner who is willing to get support, who is willing to really, you know, put their money where their mouth is and take action. So if you are complaining about things or worrying about things or feeling disconnected or noticing dysfunctional patterns in the relationship, and you're going to your partner and saying, hey, I think we need some support for this, and your partner is unwilling to get that support, that is your information right there about how willing to grow they are.

You know, when people ask me, what do I need to make sure this relationship can go the distance? Obviously, you have to have attraction. You have to have, you know, a shared vision of the future. you have to have things in common, you have to enjoy each other's company, you know, but you also have to be with someone. You want to make sure that person is open-minded and open to growth, right? So are they curious? Are they open to learning more about themselves? Are they open to feedback? And do they take action? Because words are easy. People say the right thing all the time. That doesn't mean they do the right thing, okay? So a lot of us get caught up in this. We fall for what someone says they want, what someone says they feel, but their actions don't

necessarily line up with their words and promises. And that's what it feels like is happening here, right? So you ask, Sarah, how long do you keep trying when someone says they care but doesn't seem to be willing to grow. So what you were saying is your partner says they care, they say they want the same things you do, but they are unwilling to follow through with action, okay? Now, what is going to eventually happen, and it's up to you when this happens, right, is that you can decide, okay, I'm done, right? Either we get into some serious therapy and I see that action taking place and sustaining itself or I'm out of here, right? You may or may not be willing to do that at this point, but my guess is that's what it's going to take. If that doesn't happen,

then here's what will happen. Eventually, and who's to say how long that's going to take, it has to do with how much discomfort, disconnection, and disregard you can take, right? But eventually, the pain of being in this situation, not having you or your relationship or your needs honored and met, the pain of being in that will eventually get greater than your fears around leaving the relationship. Because that's the only reason you're staying in a relationship that isn't working for you. You have a story that it's too late, that you've already invested so much time in this person,

that your biological clock is ticking and there's not enough time, that you put all this work in and now the next person is gonna get the benefits of all your work, that you're gonna be alone forever. I mean, fill in the blank with whatever your fear is. There are plenty to go around or fears are,

but eventually the pain of being in this situation will feel greater than those fears and that will be the tipping point and then you'll leave. I hope. But the most important thing is that you deserve to be with a partner who will meet you, whose actions will match their words, okay?

So many of us fall for the words and the actions never match up. We love hearing everything that partner wants to do with us and everything they're committed to and all the ways they love us, but they don't put that into action. That is not okay. And that is not a healthy relationship.

So I hope that that gives you a starting place and you let us know how it goes, okay? You reach out too. Do you want a little session with me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com? I'll see you next time. You