Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - How to Approach “The Talk” with Your Growing Kids

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

Many parents feel uneasy when it comes to talking to their kids about sex—it’s a tricky subject, and you’re not alone if it makes you uncomfortable. But the question is: when’s the right time to start? Should you bring it up before they hit adolescence or wait until they’re teenagers?  In this Language of Love Session, I’m chatting with Linda, a listener who recently found herself knowing she needs to have the long-overdue “talk” with her 16-year-old daughter, but she’s torn. How do you start that kind of conversation without sounding judgmental or making it super awkward? We dive into how to navigate these critical conversations with care, respect, and a little bit of humor—because, let’s face it, we all need a bit of that when it comes to talking about sex with our kids!  In this session, we cover:  The importance of early conversations about sex with kids My tips and tools for how and what to cover in sex ed with your kids  Effective approaches for parents to address sexual health and safety Creating the kind of dialogue with kids that keep them confiding in and talking to you  Empowering children to understand their sexual desires as part of healthy sexuality  My book, Talking to Your Kids About Sex: Turning “The Talk” Into a Conversation for Life is an invaluable resource for having those important discussions with your kids. Also, be sure to visit my website for tailored courses like “Quantum Sex” and others that are designed to meet your needs. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is.

It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. It's a language of love session where I get to answer your questions, attend to your struggles, my peeps, my listeners, and you can always reach out to me either email at languageoflovepod at gmail.com. So you can email your actual question or you can just email me and say, hey, I want to talk live. It can even be anonymous if you want to.

But if you want to talk live to me and have a back and forth and a little session, we can do that, too. OK, here's a question from Linda. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found condoms and a vibrator. She's 16 and I was completely shocked. We have had very basic conversations about sex and she's never asked me any further questions. I don't want her to think I was violating her privacy. She knows I go in there to pick up from time to time and is okay with it. I want to have a conversation with her about this, but I don't know how.

Linda, that's such a good question. So here's the first thing. I'm going to talk in general, and then we'll get to the specifics of your question. So in general, around the time your child, and I know this is what I could have showed it for you, Linda, so I'm saying this for other parents too, is that really we want to start talking to our kids about sex before they start moving into adolescence, because once they move into adolescence, they will not talk to us about anything voluntarily. That's not to say that conversations don't continue through adolescence. You'll just get a lot of, oh,

you know, exasperation and roll dyes. And come on, I don't want to talk about that. I already know it all. Right. So you want to get to them starting at like nine, 10. And obviously you're not talking about the ins and outs, no pun intended, of sex, but you're talking about how their bodies change, about intimacy. And it's not just one talk. It's a whole bunch of conversations. And by the time they're 10, 11, 12, you're talking about it. And whether they ask, this is the other thing that you said, she's never asked me any further questions. Guarantee, unless you're talking to them about their bodies and how they're going to develop in adolescence, And I always encourage parents to start talking about that part, not the sex part, as early

as seven or eight about what to expect with adolescents, because girls especially are getting many, many of them are getting their periods as early as nine years old now. So that means that they're hormonally, even though not emotionally, hormonally becoming adolescents. So that's a big deal. And it means you have to attend to those things early, but you're having a whole bunch of conversations and you're giving all kinds of cues that you're open to conversation and that they can ask you anything, but they still won't necessarily ask you. You have to have the

conversations, give them books, read my book called Ironically Talking to Your Kids About Sex that gives you all kinds of conversation starters and what to cover at each stage of your child's development. But do not wait for them to ask questions because they won't. So here we are, Linda. I mean, on the one hand, we could say hip, hip, hooray, your daughter is using condoms and has them like that is amazing. A lot of kids don't. Right. But it is an indication that she is either currently sexually active with someone else or is thinking about it. So there are two ways to go about this. And it really depends on your daughter's personality and maybe your comfort level. One is the kind of abstract indirect way where you're not acknowledging that you found

her condoms and a vibrator. And the other is to have an explicit conversation that this is just my personality. My way of doing it would be like, look, I was picking up your stuff and I came across something I want to talk to you about. The most important thing is that you are not punishing or dramatic or negative about it. Not that you're like, woohoo, you go girl, but you're just very neutral about it. You're not making like her feel bad or scared or like she's in trouble or like you're judging her. Okay. Cause that will just shut her down. And then the conversations are done. So you very matter of fact about it. You're like, Hey honey, I was in your room the other day and I found a couple of things I wanted to talk to you about. Let's discuss them. Like I found,

and let's put the vibrator aside for a minute. Okay. Cause the most concerning thing for me is the condoms. Cause that means she either is currently or planning on being sexually active with someone else. So you can say, look, I found condoms in your room. And on the one hand, I'm relieved and almost proud of you for having the initiative to protect yourself. But I also just want to check in with you. Are these condoms that you're currently using or something that you're planning on using? Because by the way, mama, you're not going to be able to stop a 16-year-old from having sex. You're just not. I mean, I think it would be great if we could. I'm not saying she's ready to have sex. Unless you lock her in a room for the rest of

her adolescence, they will find a way in a car, in a park, in a tree, wherever, someone's party. So you're not going to be able to stop her if she wants to have sex. This is one of the reasons it's so helpful to have these conversations early because part of the conversations, and this is what I talk about in my book, starting as early as 11 or 12 are under what circumstances is it a good idea to have sex, to ask yourself the question as a parent, in the ideal circumstances, is if I could design my child's first sexual experience perfectly, and I know that's a hard question to imagine, but it's an important one. What would that be? Would she be married or would he be in a monogamous relationship at the very least? So you can say during those conversations,

especially when they're younger, and you say it in the context of every conversation. So I used to say to my kids, when two grownups really care about each other and love each other and only want to be with each other. And because I had boys, I would say, and they're with a woman, she wants to, then X, Y, Z, then they touch each other in this way or then they, you know, I would kind of set that context each time.

In this case, what I would be saying is like, okay, we need to talk about this. I know it's uncomfortable, but it's really important. And I'm your mother and I love you. And this isn't about shaming you or punishing you. I just want to make sure that you're being careful And that you're also being thoughtful because one of the conversations that I think is important to have, especially with adolescent girls or pre-adolescent girls, but even with adolescent and pre-adolescent boys, this is what I do when I teach sex education to kids, especially preteens, is what should be in place if you're going to have sex, right? You have to talk about birth control and contraception, and you have to talk about sexually transmitted infections. You have to talk about what is the expectation, right? Like one of you may be thinking this is a relationship and the other is just looking to get laid, right?

And when I talk to young girls, especially because they tend to be the ones that, you know, just traditionally, I don't mean to stereotype, but who are kind of expecting a relationship or often hoping for one, are you making sure, like, do you really feel confident that this person you're having sex with really deserves the gift of your sexuality? because your sexuality is a gift, a priceless gift that you share with someone, not just the first time or your quote unquote virginity, but every time you have sex with someone, it is a priceless, intimate gift. You are giving them sharing your sexuality and sharing your body. Here's a shout out to any woman who has experienced a horrible loss, is going through grief. I just want you to know you don't need to do this alone and you also don't have to go through this you can grow through it you can come out the other side of horrible loss a more self-actualized tapped in tuned in empowered version of yourself you can continue a relationship with your loved

ones on the other side i am living proof of that with the losses i have had especially of my sweet boy Sammy, who's forever 16, I can tell you that you actually don't have to just suffer through this. And that is why I am holding a retreat for women in Chicago called From Heartbreak to Healing. I'm bringing in a whole bunch of my favorite healer teacher friends, and we are together going to take you through the process, not only of showing you how to heal, but making it inspiring, uplifting, and beautiful. It's only women this time. I'll do some for men and for couples as well.

But this time it's only women. So come and be embraced by a sacred sisterhood, meet other like-minded people, and learn how to not just have to go through this horrible pain, but grow through it in beautiful ways. Just go to the link in my bio on my Instagram page of Dr. Laura Berman,

or go to Eventbrite and search for Heartbreak to Healing Chicago, and it'll come right up. I hope to see you there. So what are the qualities that you think a person should have who is given that gift, right? And really have a two-way conversation, a really curious, open-ended conversation.

Should you be monogamous? Should you be committed to each other? How should you be treated? How should this person be showing up for you? Is this in the context of a relationship? What's going to happen after this? Is this just a one night stand or is this someone who's really committed to you? And what are your expectations, right?

Like these are the kinds of things that we want them to be thinking about. So even if she's already had sex, that doesn't mean she can't think about it now. So the more calm and unpunishing and unjudgmental you can be, the better this conversation is going to go and the more likely she's going to be to confide in you and especially, most importantly, to come to you if she's struggling or in trouble or something bad is happening. Now, so you can say like, are these condoms something you're planning on using or something you've already used? Like what's going on here?

And having that whole conversation and also making sure and she's going to roll her eyes at you, but making sure like, do you know how to use a condom? Have they shown you in school? Do you know that you have to pinch the tip and roll it down and that you have to hold the base and the penis has to be out of the vagina before you hold the base of the condom while he pulls out and then he should take off the condom away from you and that you never use a condom twice? These are things that we would take for granted, but a lot of kids don't know and it gets them

into trouble. And then also knowing that condoms alone will not protect you from sexually transmitted infections like herpes and even HPV, human papillomavirus warts, because if there are any on his scrotum or anything, it doesn't have to be on the part that's covered by the condom that can be transmissible as well. So you want to make sure she knows all of that. Now, the part about the vibrator. Amen, sister.

I can't tell you like I'm a huge proponent of this. I got in trouble. I was Oprah's sex, love and relationship expert, not her personal one, but the one on her show for the last several seasons of The Oprah Show. And I got in a lot of trouble on this one episode because I was promoting giving your daughter a small external vibrator. Because, and Oprah, by the way, agreed with me,

but a lot of people were like, oh my God, you're telling them to go have sex. If you wake up their sexuality with a vibrator, they're going to go and want to do it with someone else. Actually, the opposite is true. When you introduce a girl to a vibrator, She is learning to take her pleasure quite literally into her own hands 80 percent of first sexual experiences by young women while not forced were not wanted

They just got carried away in the moment because they didn't know how to give themselves pleasure Some guy is touching them and fooling around them and grinding against them in a way. That's really feels so good They're just let it keep going and going going They're not thinking about and the next thing, you know They're having intercourse when they didn't even intend for that to happen If she understands her own sexual response cycle and she understands how to give herself pleasure and she has that power, that is so beautiful because then she's not assigning that to some guy. If she goes out on a date or hanging out with some guy, she gets turned on. She doesn't necessarily want to have sex with him, shouldn't have sex with him. Ideally, she can go home and take care of herself. It's also great because she's learning about her own pleasure pathways. So when she is in a sexual relationship or when she grows up, she now has an intimate understanding of her sexual response cycle and what pleasures her and what she enjoys, which is so amazing.

I can't tell you how many 50-year-old women I've met who have no idea and have never used a vibrator and have never self-stimulated. So the fact that she's self-stimulating is amazing. And I think you should celebrate that with her. I'm really glad that you're honoring your body and you're taking your pleasure into your own hands. And it's natural, by the way. And I think you can normalize this to her. It is natural.

At 16 years old, your body is full of hormones and it's changing and you're having thoughts and feelings and a lot of sexual energy coursing through you. And I think it's an amazing idea to take care of yourself and to learn about your own body and to give yourself pleasure. What I'm worried about is the context in which you're sharing that pleasure potentially with other people. And that's where you talk about the gift and you talk about the safety and you talk about the consent and you make sure.

And it's not going to be easy. She's going to be trying to cut you off a lot. And, oh, mom, you say, listen, I'm sorry. I know this is uncomfortable, but I love you too much to not have this conversation. And if it needs to, we can break it up into smaller pieces if this is too much for you. but we are having the conversation and you don't take no for an answer and you keep coming back to it because this is what they'll do. This is why. And they won't ask the questions and they won't bring the things up, especially if they're afraid of judgment or repercussions or punishment or

shame or anything like that. So I hope that that helps you, Linda. I so love that you asked the question. I'm actually really optimistic for your daughter. I know it's not ideal and we don't want her to be having sex at 16. But honestly, the average time of first intercourse, the majority of kids do are having sex by the time they're 15. That's why these conversations are so important. And the fact that she is in possession of condoms has them is has that in her head is prepared. That's what we want. I mean, in an ideal world, we want her to wait. But if she's going to have sex, like, amen, sister, have those condoms, take your pleasure into your own hand, know your own body, be empowered.

Like those are the kinds of things that you wanna celebrate and that will soften her so that she will hear that more cautionary information you're giving her as well. So hopefully that helps. Listen, I know you have questions and things that you want some assistance with and I am here to help.

So that's what my Language of Love sessions are for. I can talk to you live on the line or you can email your questions and I will answer them. And you can send them anonymously. It can be about a friend or a neighbor or someone you know. But what I want you to know is that when you ask that question, you're asking not only for yourself,

but all the millions of other people who have the same question because they do and are learning right along with you. So if you have a question or you want me to talk about something or answer something or help you with a struggle, you can always email me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com.

That's languageoflovepod, as in podcast, at gmail.com. Now you remember, if you want to ask a question, you can email me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com or you can email me the question or you can just say, hey, I want to talk to you live

and we can have a live conversation as well because I love helping you learn to love and be loved better. I went to the doctor, said I'm crazy For your love