Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - How to Break Free from Inhibitions & Open Up About Your Desires

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

Have you ever felt too shy or embarrassed to talk about your sexual needs, even with a partner you trust? This episode might be for you! In today’s Language of Love Session, I’m answering a question from a listener who’s struggling to open up about her desires and fantasies.  Maybe you received messages growing up about what’s “appropriate” or things you witnessed that made you feel ashamed of your desires… I’ll walk you through how to start untangling those beliefs and embrace your sexuality with confidence. I also talk about how to communicate your sexual needs with your partner, even when it feels awkward or cringey. It’s all about creating a safe space to have that conversation, and I’ll give you some tips on how to open up without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. In this session, we’ll cover: Why sexual inhibitions often come from external sources, not you How to identify and release shame-based beliefs around sex How to start the conversation with your partner about trying new things in the bedroom How to communicate your desires in a positive, low-pressure way You deserve to have the sex life you want, free of shame and judgment. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, learning how to talk about what you want and exploring your desires is key to a fulfilling, beautiful sex life. If you have a question or want to share your story, I’d love to hear from you. You can always email me at [e-mail], and I’m here to support you as you learn how to love and be loved better. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to Language of Love Sessions, where I get to what's on your mind. Any question,

concern, struggle you're having in your relationship, in your love life, around grief and loss or healing, anything to help you learn to love and be loved better, I'm here for you. You can always email me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com. We have been getting so many questions from you on DMs, on social media, as well as on email. So I wanted to try to get to one of them in today's session. This one is from Angel. She says, Dr. Berman, I've always been shy talking about sex, even with my partner. But there are things I want to try and explore. How can I open up those conversations without feeling embarrassed or ashamed? Yeah, I mean, look, if you are with a partner, there is nothing shameful. And I can tell you that, or even if you're not with a partner,

there is nothing shameful about your sexual needs and desires. I can tell you that until I'm blue in the face, and I will, except that's going to fall on deaf ears if you were raised, which my guess is you were, in an environment where you were taught that maybe nice girls don't do that, or pious girls don't do that, or women who are going to heaven don't do that, or whatever story you were told about what's okay and not okay to want or to do sexually, that usually we're coming from a place of fear from your teachers, your caretakers, your family, things you witness. We internalize those stories, and they become inhibitions. They become things that hold us back from getting our needs met or even enjoying sex the way that we should, you know? And it's very frustrating to watch for

me, having done this for 30 years now, the multitude of people who, you know, grew up in environments where they were taught sex is bad, wrong, dirty, wanting things that are, you know, beyond vanilla sex between a heterosexual couple who is married is wrong, bad, or dirty. Oh, and by the way, when you get married, you know, we've been telling you you're bad, wrong, dirty for all your desires and all your wants and all your needs are bad, wrong, and dirty. But now that you have a ring on your finger, flip that switch and have a great time and have it all just go away. And it doesn't, right? And I know that for many communities, whether they're religious or otherwise, and families, they think they're doing you a favor. They think they're keeping you safe.

They think they're protecting you. It's coming from their own fear. But it is so toxic and it's so frustrating. And my guess is you had some version of that. So first of all, my guess is you're pretty clear on what it is you do want to try or do, okay? And before I even get to how to bring this up to your partner, which I will, I want you to try to start externalizing some of your fears and inhibitions, right? Because once you start externalizing, meaning realizing that they don't really come from you, they came from outside of you, from people, you know, who gave you these messages growing up, then you can begin to look at them with clear eyes as the adult you are now and decide what you want to keep or release. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been

a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex it's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the Quantum Sex Free course.

Check it out and let me know what you think. So get a piece of paper, make three columns. On the first column, put all of your stories about what's okay and not okay to do or to want or to talk about sexually. Every story you heard about masturbation, about sexual positions, about sexual needs and wants, about fantasies, whatever it is,

what are the shoulds and should nots around sex? that you've been taught, that you quote-unquote believe, right, or have in there somewhere. In the second column, next to each of those, I want you to mark or write down, where did that come from? You know, was that when the teacher at your Catholic school told you you were going to hell if you touched yourself? Is it when you overheard your mother gossiping about some woman in the neighborhood who was having sex with more than one person at the same time and slut shaming her? Was it when you had your hand slapped away when you were touching yourself trying to fall asleep as a kid? You know, what was it? And usually we can, you may not remember all

of the sources, but usually you can remember most of them. And then in the third column, I want you to put keep or release, meaning looking at these things, these stories, these shoulds and should knots through the lens of the woman you are now. Who knows? And I know you know intellectually that you deserve a fulfilling sex life, that anything that is consensual between two adults is perfectly fine, and that there's nothing technically off limits, right? That you are entitled to sexual pleasure and fulfillment. There's a part in all of us who understands that, you know, the same way you would talk to a girlfriend and be like, girl, you deserve this. You know, there's nothing wrong with what you want, right? Looking through that lens, maybe even pretending you're your best friend who's really not inhibited herself. Which of these do you want to keep and which do you want to release? Because some of them you may still subscribe to and you can keep those, but others you're like, you know, this is a ridiculous thing I internalize. I don't think it's wrong to self-stimulate. I don't think it's wrong to initiate sex. I don't think it's wrong to ask for what I want or to try new things in the bedroom, right?

And so all those things that you want to release, really look at those and where they came from and really get clear within yourself, I am releasing these. And then what starts to happen is the next time that inhibition or that story comes up, you remember, oh, that wasn't me. That was the sister at the Catholic school when she said XYZ and I decided to release that. there's a detachment from that story or that should or should not that starts to kick in in a really beautiful way that is really powerful. It's amazing how well that kind of technique works. So I want you to try that first of all. And then I want you to have a conversation with your partner. If you're shy about having a person, write him a note, but do it outside the bedroom and a good way to bring it up so not when you're having sex not right before or after sex at a different time where you're just hanging out you can even say you know what i want to talk to you about something that i'm a little cringy about or i'm a little self-conscious about it's hard but

because i love you and i care about you so much you know and i want this i wanted to talk to you about it i was you know and then you start with the positive you say i love our sex life so much I love being intimate with you and you don't say but and I was thinking you know I have this fantasy that I've always wanted to act out or I have this thing that I've always wanted to try or I was listening to this amazing podcast the language of love and she was talking about xyz and I was thinking that it might be really fun to try that would you be open to that right and then you're opening the conversation. And you've already dealt with your embarrassment or shame because you've externalized those stories. You've talked about it in a low stakes way and in a positive

way with your partner. And I guarantee you, unless he's full of his own inhibitions he has to work through, which is on him, not you, he or she or whoever your partner is, is going to be open to that. So try it. Let us know how it goes. This is a really important question. I can't tell you how often I get asked this in one form or another about how to get your needs met in the bedroom and beyond without being limited by shame or embarrassment. It's so important and you deserve to have a fulfilling, amazing, beautiful sex life by your design. So enjoy it. Let us know how it goes. And you can reach out too if you have a question at languageoflovepod at gmail.com. You can also let me know if you want to come on the show live and we can talk about it then face to

face we can even keep your camera off if you want and have you be anonymous you give me a shout out if you need some support i'm always here for you helping you learn to love and be loved better