Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - How to Fight For Love

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

Let's be real—every couple has their moments. Fights are just part of the deal in relationships. Having healthy disagreements and working through them in a respectful way can actually make your bond stronger. In this Language of Love Bite, I bust the myth that happy couples never fight. I'm all about how fighting can be good—if you do it right. I share easy tips on staying calm when things heat up, understanding what’s really bugging you both, and communicating effectively.  Let’s break down: Why fighting can actually be healthy for love How to build relationship resilience through disagreements The steps to a healthy resolution  The importance of calming your nerves before a fight Practical tips to regulate your nervous system How to find clarity when emotions are running high Three questions that can help you see things more clearly And once your fight is lovingly resolved, take your sex life to the next level and dive into Quantum Sex on my website for game-changing insights and techniques. Don't miss out on unlocking your full potential! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Listen, conventional wisdom is that the happiest couples don't fight. I call bullshit. That is not true. I've been a couples and relationship therapist for 30 years, and I can tell you that if a couple tells me they never fight, I am really concerned because fighting is the only way that you can fully have your needs met in a relationship,

unless you are identical human beings, which not only is impossible, it would be unbelievably boring, fighting is necessary for healthy love. Now, the key is to fight in a healthy way because it's really important to fight in a successful and respectful way that is for your relationship, not against it. But fighting is so necessary if it's done constructively. First of all, because it's a reflection of your boundaries, right? So someone who never fights typically is willing to let go of or has no boundaries. They're willing to let go of their truth, their needs, their requirements, all of it, right? So when a boundary has been violated, very often it is necessary to have a discussion that might be a little heated or a little

difficult. I'm not talking about physically harming each other or saying horrible things to one another or even yelling at each other, although it is natural to raise your voice when you're agitated or energized around something. But when a boundary has been violated, you often need to have a difficult conversation about it in order to make sure that it's respected the next time and that your partner understands what your needs are, okay? Now, it's the only way to get your needs met authentically without manipulating or sidelining it or hinting it, right? In an argument, you're making clear what your needs are. You're also learning a tremendous amount about each other. It's in these arguments that you really learn about your partner's wounds,

their insecurities, their triggers, their true heart's needs. If you really listen during an argument, which I get is hard to do because all of us want to be right when we're fighting and we're not necessarily fighting for love, we're fighting to be right. But if you really are listening, you will learn so much about who your partner is at the heart that will inform your relationship success. And it will strengthen your bond. I know that seems counterintuitive to people who don't want to fight or who think healthy couples don't fight. But in fact, when you fight and then resolve and reconcile, it teaches you relationship resilience, just like we need resilience inside ourselves, that I can get agitated, I can get angry, I can get upset,

I can get depressed about something and I can bring myself back to center, calm my nervous system down, or come back to healthy peace or happiness, right? We have to know that we can do that in love when we know that. When we know that, okay, we can have a little rupture, but then we can repair. We can come back together. That is huge for intimacy and building trust because then you feel confident about the next argument, the stakes don't feel as high. You don't feel as scared. You don't feel as uncertain about getting your needs met. So fighting is good for you. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a

sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level, capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com. And you'll find it right there on the homepage, the quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think.

So now that you know why fighting is so important for love, let's talk about how to do it in a healthy way. All right. So there are a couple of things I want you to do even before the argument. and then I'm going to tell you what to do during the argument. All right. So before you're upset about something, there's something you want to talk about, something pissed you off, something upset you, you're going to have an argument. The first thing I want you to do is regulate your own nervous system. That may mean taking a break and walking around the block, for instance.

And you can say to your partner, I'm noticing I'm really agitated and upset. I do want to talk to you about this, but I want to regulate myself. I want to calm myself down first, okay? You can have a crazy dance party with yourself. You can punch the poop out of a bunch of pillows, preferably in private, so that you aren't like making your partner freak out in an argument. Other times you can punch pillows in front of them, but if you're in some sort of conflict, it might feel threatening to suddenly start punching something.

but it is a beautiful way, if you can do it in private, to get some of that agitation out and come back to center. What we want is for your nervous system to be regulated before you go into an argument so you won't be all over the place and so agitated and angry. You'll be calm and clear. The other way that you can calm your nervous system down is with your breath. There's a really easy way. It just takes three minutes. You breathe in for the count of four and you breathe out for the count of six for three minutes while you're thinking about something or someone who brings you peace and love with no conflict.

Like I always think about my dog when I'm doing this, right? There's no complications in my relationship with my dog. It's just pure love, affection, and appreciation. Could be your baby, it could be your pet, it could be the mountaintop, whatever it is. Think about that for three minutes while you breathe in for the count of four and out for the count of six. The other thing I want you to do, and this is really, really

important for a successful argument, is to get clear not only on what you're upset about, but what you really want. There are three keys to this, three questions to ask yourself. The first is, okay, I'm angry. I'm agitated. I'm upset about something. what is the story I'm telling myself, right? Because your partner probably did something or something happened to make you angry, but it's really important to recognize what story you're telling yourself. The story I'm telling myself is that they don't respect me or that they don't really value this relationship or that they're not going to really show up for me or they don't really care about me or they don't really love me, right? There's something going on.

you have a story or you wouldn't be upset so that's the first thing know the story because this is going to be part of how you argue the second is to know how that story is making you feel yeah of course you're angry probably but what else are you what may be underneath the angry are you scared are you sad are you disappointed are you worried right that's the second thing so what's the story and what's the feeling that that story is created in me and what do I want? What do you want to be different? An argument is fruitless unless you're clear on what you want. And it goes so much better when you state that. When you're arguing, you are only arguing about one thing. So many people bring in the whole kitchen sink, all the other things

they're pissed off about. And then you did this six months ago and then two years ago. With one argument, we're bringing up our whole relationship. You're only arguing about that one thing. you're giving your partner time to talk without interrupting them you're letting them communicate you're calm and regulated and you are saying to your partner look when you decided you know not to come to that event at my parents house until 10 minutes before it ended I found myself feeling really angry and really sad because the story I was telling myself, I'm just making this up, but you insert yours. The story I was telling myself is that you don't really value me and my needs because I feel like I made clear to you that this event, it was really important to

have you with me. And I was nervous about being there with all my siblings and all the family dynamics. And I really needed you there. So my story was that you didn't really value that or care about me or my needs. And I feel really sad and angry about that. And what I want, right? And what I want is for you to show up when you say you're going to show up and for you to let me know that you really hear me. And when I need you, that you're going to be there, just like I want to be there for you when you need me. Simple. Your nervous system is calm. You're clear on what happened, what your story was, what the feelings were, and what you want. It's going to be so much easier to have a healthy argument from that point. And you are also reassuring your partner, listen,

I'm upset right now. I'm hurt. I'm angry. But I love you. And I'm in this with you. Maybe even say that in the beginning. I love you. Not but. I love you and I'm feeling angry and hurt because I have a story and what I want, right? And then, really important, and sometimes this takes a while, sometimes you might need to take a break in the middle because you're getting too agitated again and you have to calm your nervous system. But in the end, you want to reach reconciliation and repair with a hug or a walk together or just spending some time together or even being intimate together, but recalibrate together

back to peace. Don't just leave the argument hanging. So there you go. The reason it's good to fight and what to do to have a healthy fight. Let me know how it goes. And if you like this episode, make sure to follow and let me know any questions you have or any topics you want me to cover on the Language of Love.