Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - How to Get More Sex in Your Relationship

Episode Date: June 16, 2021

On this episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Berman talks live with callers on Clubhouse and gives real-time advice on sex, love, and relationships. First, she helps a woman in a long-term relationship who says things have slowed down in the bedroom. Dr. Berman explains why ‘scheduled sex’ can actually be very beneficial in both re-igniting passion as well as increasing libidos that may have stalled once the honeymoon phase ended. Next, Dr. Berman has an impromptu’s couples’ session with a young entrepreneur and his girlfriend who says their hectic schedules keep them from finding time to connect and enjoy their relationship. Dr. Berman explains how they can find ‘bite-sized’ intimacy throughout the day and ensure that they are prioritizing each other even as they pursue their career goals.  Later, Dr. Berman helps a man who spent years stuck in a sexless marriage. Since he wasn’t getting his needs met, he focused all of his energy into his work and let his sexual side disappear. After getting divorced, he wound up finding another partner who was also not able to meet his sexual needs due to her obsession with her phone. Using her intuition and clinical training, Dr. Berman is able to peel back the layers on this caller’s pain and trace his trauma back to rejection from his mother in his childhood. “I think a big part of the answer is in you doing that healing work so that you stop attracting in and being attracted to women who withhold love, connection, acceptance, approval, intimacy from you. And in one way or another, you keep calling that into your life,” she explains.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful, emotional, and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love sex relationship

questions and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Danica, jump in here. Tell me your question. So I've been in a long-term relationship for quite some time. It's been about six years. And of course, you know, things in the bedroom have slowed down. I've heard you talk about this before. And I just wanted to know maybe a little bit more about it is that you've mentioned before about scheduling sex. If that is something that really does work. It really works. And it's something that, you know, no pun intended a lot of us have to get over the hump with because our ideas about sex are built around movies and that kind of thing and also the very beginning stages of a relationship which is what

scientists call that infatuation stage where you can't get enough of each other and you're going at it all the time and it's super easy and to keep that momentum you don't even have to keep it going it's all you can think about in fact when they look at people's brains you know in the MRIs of people's brains who are newly in love, the same addiction centers of their brains are lighting up as cocaine addicts. So you're almost addicted, addicted to love, right? Addicted to sex. It's really easy. You're going at it all the time. But what happens is just its nature and their evolutionary reasons for it. But we move into something in longer term relationships called the attachment stage, which is really what's more sustainable, both as a society and in our own

lives. But a lot of, you know, when you get busy, then maybe you have kids or you just have really busy lives and lots of commitments. You know, I'm even seeing a lot of, it used to be when I first started practicing therapy and sex therapy and couples therapy, you know, this is probably 20 years ago or more, maybe. I would mostly see older couples or couples who had been together a while. And I've noticed certainly with the enhancement and escalation of technology and social media and everything else, that younger and younger couples, even not married six years, are struggling with this just because of all the distractions and the inability to turn life off. So it used to be just, you know, if you had kids, you probably needed to schedule sex. Now it's pretty

much everyone. If you're not, you know, really finding it easy to connect that way and enjoy that at least on a weekly basis, I think it's super important to schedule. And A lot of people resist that because they think it's supposed to happen spontaneously. But for those of us who aren't having enough sex, if you wait for it to happen spontaneously, you're waiting a really long time. So when you start to schedule it, it becomes something that you can start to look forward to. You send each other some, you know, sexy texts that day.

You take an extra care with your appearance, maybe, you know, shave in places you haven't shaved in a while or at least all week. You know, you get kind of into it. And also I find if one of you has lower libido, lower desire, you know it's coming so you can kind of get yourself in the mode and in the mood. It's not kind of sprung on you when you're not really in the mood. And so the foreplay can kind of, the emotional or mental foreplay can start earlier in the day and almost always it becomes something that couples look forward to.

So I think ideally unless one of you is really sick or there's some drama or trauma or long distance relationship, you shouldn't be going more than a week or two maximum without having sex. So if you can schedule it and know it's in there, then you can count on it. And if you have sex more than that, then that's just icing on the cake. But at least, you know, you can count on that. Awesome. Thank you so much. I think that probably has to happen. Yeah, I think it's I think it's a good idea. Thank you. All right. Thanks for asking. What about you, Nick? What's your question?

Hi, my name is Nick, and I'm actually here with my girlfriend right now, Isana. Hey. Oh, goody, a couple session. I love this. Okay, tell me what the story is. So we actually didn't hop in here. We didn't come in here with a question. I just kind of hopped in, and I was like, hey, look at this.

But off of Danica's question, it's not so much sex-related as time, like you guys were talking about, because she is in college and work, And then I am an entrepreneur, and I run two businesses. Well, I run one, and then one is currently in the works. A bit more work than sustaining one. So I think it's more having time to have fun and just, like, enjoy each other's presence because we often find ourselves stressed with all the other things in our lives. There's a lot more on top of that, family, everything.

Is there a big age difference between you? No, we are both 22. and we've been together for reference we started dating um october we've been dating for six months but we're talking um before that for about four or five months so you're super busy obviously i mean listen launching a business is a 80 hour a week job much less uh running one and launching one as is school is a full-time job if you're taking a full you know a full schedule of classes and working you know so both of you are really stretched to the limit and that makes it hard to have quality time but and you're both young so you have plenty of energy but even if you're young

I think you've probably found that on those rare occasions that you do carve out that time to chill and you know when you're running your own business or when you're in school and trying to catch up on your work it's not like you can just turn off your computer or your laptop at 6 p.m you know you're going on, you're going all night getting stuff done. So I'm sure you've found that on those occasions that you have taken some time, it actually energizes you and helps you come back to work more energized, whatever, you know, school and work more energized and more focused. And Arianna Huffington actually writes and speaks a lot about this. And she's an extremely successful business owner, runner, woman, and she is adamant about rest and napping and taking time every day.

She even has nap pods in her headquarters. People can go and just chill out and disconnect for a while. So in an ideal world, I would love for you, you know, with these busy schedules, if you could just carve out an hour a day, or if you can't even do that, an hour every other day and 15 minutes or 30 minutes the other days to turn off all technology and just focus on each other. Listen, I mean, the only technology would be music, right? But you're not on any devices, you're not watching TV and tuning out with each other, but you're hanging out, kissing, cuddling, talking, taking a walk, doing something playful together. I find that when you've got super busy schedules, it's easier to do that than to carve out four hours a week. You know what I mean?

But if you can, then do that instead and go on a nice long hike or to some other event once events start. But I find for people with schedules like yours, it's almost easier to incorporate in those bite-sized pieces but to make sure that you're doing that and then when you go back to work you're replenished you're kind of recharged a little bit and you're more connected i i have thank you very much i appreciate that that's very very helpful and may i ask one more question on top of that of course go ahead i think we probably both admittedly are currently in a bit of a stage of when we're very very different people we're wired very differently like in terms of the way we think um I think kind of just based on different life experiences and so not not in any bad way

just in just the way we process and communicate and everything and so um learning that's been a really uh really interesting and long process and really fun and I think that like after we come away we we try to take that time to step away from those things that were stressed either it's at different times and I'm stressed and wanting to talk to her at a different time and while she's trying to focus, then it creates an argument or it comes across as if we're just complaining without trying to solve anything. And so we're kind of in a bit of a somewhat cyclical arguments that have kind of been solved just by essentially releasing any deep reading into or overthinking of what somebody could be meaning. Well, yeah, welcome. I mean, God, if we could all learn that,

no one would need me right I mean that's lifelong practice to not make assumptions right assumption when you assume you're making an ass out of you and me and that's all we do we assign stories to we have these stories about ourselves or the other person or the relationship we interpret things through that lens and that's a process of learning and I love that you're recognizing that and open to that but getting really strategic about it is super important I'll give you an example from my own life I am someone who if I have a moment to think my mind will naturally go to the things on my to-do list or things I need to tick off or things I need to discuss with my husband and in the beginning of our married life together it started to get we were both very busy like you

guys but it started to get really difficult for him because for him when he can zone like when he can chill out he wants to chill but for me when we could chill out I could finally talk to him so I wanted to tell him a million things or I would as those things came up on my to-do list I would just come and talk to him and he would be busy or doing something or something I was worried about or something I needed to plan or something I needed to figure out and so what we found was really helpful and we still do it today is we have a business meeting every day and it usually in our life you know can be scheduled any time and it's 10 minutes I mean it's really quick it can be even last for you guys because you probably don't have kids and all the other things that we have to work

out right but I keep a running list in my smartphone and he never has anything on his list but every morning after the kids would get off to school I'd be like okay you know the roof needs to be fixed what are where are we going to go over Christmas break you know my mother needs to know like whatever it was we would go through all of those things and if there was something worrying me or upsetting me or something I was trying to figure out if it was time sensitive you go to her and you say or she comes to you and says you know listen I would love 10 minutes of your time I'm really stressing out about this xyz when is now good time or when would be a good time right if your days are all different or you have that standing meeting where you can kind of go over

those things but it sounds to me like the way that your lives are going ups and downs and and lots of different things every day that you probably need more in-the-moment support from each other. So then it's that option AI said. So one of you wants some support from the other. It may not be a good time making it okay for it not to be a good time, but then making an appointment for when it will, you know, if you give me two hours to finish this, then we can really talk about it. But it's about getting really explicit in what you need and keeping your commitments to talk those things out, not then blowing it off when it's time to talk. Okay. Thank you so much. That is the perfect, that was the perfect answer. And I am very similar to you. And I think she's very similar.

So you'll have the running list and she'll be like, but it's good for her. Like it is for my husband because then I have his undivided attention he knows he doesn't feel like he's being peppered all the time with stuff and he can focus and you know give me his full attention so it's a win-win oh yes thank you thank you guys thanks thanks for weighing in here I just want to take a little segue here and talk about an important issue that I find really affects women's lives and the people who love them. And it's something not talked about nearly enough. Millions of women, so many of them struggle with chronic UTIs, urinary tract infections. And it can happen due to all sorts of reasons, menopause, pregnancy, other hormonal changes, other factors, but it can

drastically and negatively impact your interest in sex as well as your enjoyment. And, you know, the most common prescriptions doctors will give you to avoid them is peeing after sex and lots of cranberry juice, which can help, but certainly often is not enough. And Uquora, this company I've discovered, has UTI relief products that will help you address the UTI symptoms until you're able to go see a doctor. But they also have a proactive urinary tract health supplement line that helps you maintain a healthy urinary tract and avoid those infections. So get proactive about your Urinary Tract Health with Eucora. And right now, Eucora is offering 20% off when you go to Eucora.com slash love.

But hurry, because it's a limited time offer. Go to Eucora.com slash love to get 20% off your order. That's U-Q-O-R-A dot com slash love. What about you, Bryce? What's your question? here's my comment and then a question for me um i was a married i was married 11 years in a in a sexless marriage when i say sexless i mean like no sex i got married at a young age i just had turned 21 in my head i grew up a mormon and in my head i knew what i wanted in life

And so I knew, OK, if I get into a relationship that will kind of help me keep calm and keep me focused so I can chase after my dream. So I was in this relationship for 11 years and I guess a blessing and a curse because I was faithful and I'm loyal to a fault. And it's what I've seen is my parents are still married. All my aunts and uncles are still married. Everybody's still married. And for me, my focus was on work. And that's all I cared about. I guess eventually I fell in love with work because it wasn't getting my needs at home per se.

But then a lot of it, too, is I would spend six months in a foreign country where I had nothing in common with with anybody. So the sex drive wasn't even there. And so when I was there, I just read books. I was like, to me, full time college. But in kind of toward when we got the divorce and to be honest, I felt like something was wrong with me. like the whole time and it was like the bar kept getting raised over and over it was like oh if you do this or if you do this and I'd read and studied about relationships like for me it's like when I get into something I want to be like the best at it and so I did all these studies we'd went to a

marriage counselor and then kind of towards the end of the divorce and we're seeing a marriage counselor the ex-wife now ex-wife stormed out of the room and the marriage counselor under her breath mumbled like I'm surprised you made it this long and I asked I was like what was that and then she didn't say anything and then for like a couple years I was like was she talking to me was she talking to me like so I kind of figured it out so since I've gotten out of that then I was like holy cow I'm 31 years old and like I really haven't had very much sex my entire life yeah and So I was like, I want as much sex as humanly possible. And it was probably pretty selfish of me.

And so I do feel bad. But I get into a relationship again. And now as I've been dating and stuff, and then the most recent relationship is we started having sex, you know, for sure at first at the beginning. But then, and I kind of made a comment about this before, it was just the marriage to the cell phone was such a turnoff and so frustrating to me you were saying that that um so you had the sexless marriage and that was 11 years and then you got into another relationship and the cell phone or the smartphone and social media was her priority correct where some see

heroes and others see egos bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes while others follow the noise we follow the money learn more at bloomberg.com and so once that once we kind of got out of the little honeymoon phase and it kind of started settling it was and in my opinion and i believe this is like her needs are getting fulfilled through the cell phone yeah so she's not so she's not needing me now it's all about the cell phone and I would communicate because I've read I've read men are from Mars women are from Venus I've read like tons of books right but Bryce let me let me stop you there I mean I'm not even I I'm I'm hearing you know I can see the trajectory of the pain in your relationship life I'm not sure what your exact question is but I can

tell just from the two women you've had really serious relationships with and the fact that you stayed in that sexless marriage for 11 years and I think if I remember correctly you know I know you've been in this room before and we've talked but and I feel like maybe that now that I'm saying this because I'm having the same feeling this time now that I'm saying this I feel like I might have said this to you before that there has been mother rejection um really early in life not that she left you but that there was like a lack of acceptance and a bar in fact you just said that about your wife with the sex but you know the bar never quite being met not that you were you know brutally beaten or anything but that there was kind of love and approval withheld and always

trying to, you know, be good enough, smart enough, talented enough, whatever that enough was in your family, and maybe there were several things that would get you the approval, acceptance, and, you know, for a child, approval and acceptance is love, the same thing, and we kind of internalize that, and what you've been willing to settle for, and I love that you got out of that relationship with the ex and with the cell phone addict or the smartphone addict but I think that's a big part I don't even know what your question is but and I but you maybe you can tell me but I think a big part of what of the answer is in you doing that healing work so that you stop attracting in and being attracted to women who withhold love connection acceptance approval intimacy from you

And in one way or another, you keep calling that into your life. So less than a question, needing to hear what you just said. Fair enough. That's kind of why I stopped you because I sort of felt like I needed to say it. Like what I would say to you is you've read enough. I mean, I know that intellectually, you know everything, everything you need to create the love that you really want and deserve in your life you already know now it's about integration if that makes sense like really stop I would almost want you to stop reading because

I think you're an I'm one of these two so maybe that's why I'm recognizing it you're an intellectualizer it's the way you know it's a really handy way to stay out of your feelings to read about it study it learn about it you know and then and it's unconscious you know but it's a way to stay outside yourself and I would really love for you to explore somatic experiencing which is a unique kind of therapy that bypass it's great for us intellectualizers that tend to kind of think about our problems rather than feel them and really resolve them and it's the feeling part that for you has you know all this cognitively and intellectually but in practice it falls apart it because you haven't integrated it into your system. And you also haven't allowed yourself to

really feel, truly feel the pain and release, more importantly, the pain of those rejections. Somatic experiencing is one of the most, I'm a huge fan of it. And so if you go to traumahealing.org, you can find a somatic experiencing therapist near you. And also if you read, what's the name of the book, John Levine, I think it's Waking the Tiger or Walking the Tiger. I always screw up the name. Someone tell me if you know the book I'm talking about, but he's sort of the father in this country of somatic experiencing. That's what I would want you to do rather than anything talking or reading or learning or seminars, like stay away from those for a while and really feel, heal release and it's going to change what you're attracted to and attract in

okay that makes sense no you answered my not question perfectly so i really do appreciate it because i didn't know how to frame it but i knew what i wanted to say but no you're 100 accurate that's why you're so smart so i really appreciate it it's waking the tiger that's i just look it's waking the tiger yeah by peter levine peter Levine, Waking the Tiger. Okay? Okay. I've written it down. Thank you for your time. Natalie, what's on your mind, my friend? Tell us. Hi, this is Natalie. I'm super big fan of yours, Dr. Laura. Thank you.

Huge fan and have read your books. And one question I had for you is I loved your course on sexual healing. I got so much out of it. And I was wondering, I feel like I'm like, what's the next level? Now? Are you going to do another course? I would say that that somatic experiencing is one of the best tools I found for trauma healing. That's I loved that sexual healing course that I did with Teal Swan. We haven't taught we could we probably should and could do another one. We haven't talked yet about doing another one. You know, I loved that it was because those were real women that we were working with and we didn't even know exactly how it was going to go. We just both knew our process and we took them through it and it came together really beautifully.

And God bless those brave and honest and open hearted women for, you know, letting us in and letting us in on camera. That was really beautiful. And I'm glad that you got so much out of it. But I would say the next step really is that somatic piece. And the other thing that I would encourage you to do is check out, Teal has written a million books, but one of them is called The Completion Process. And it's something that I've been trained with her to do because I love it so much clinically. And I do it a lot in my clinical work. But you can do it with yourself as well. although depending on where you are in your healing if you have real trauma still in there

either you know it's like an onion you're peeling layers away and if it's still really fresh or recently recovered and you know you don't really want to do that work alone i think it's super important to do it with someone else but there are many practitioners out there if you i don't know what the website is but if you look up the completion process by teal swan it's like it's like the only way i can describe it it's like a combination of inner child work shamanic healing kind of soul retrieval and healing visualization and all at once and and a little bit of body work thrown in but if i were if i were to prescribe for you maybe a next level of independent study you know with the help of a somatic experiencing therapist and some

completion process work that's what I would recommend to you amazing thank you so much and I really hope you do do a follow-up or another course because that was one of the best experiences I mean the quickest healing in the shortest amount of time and yeah I recommend everyone to to look into it I've heard like via reviews this is great you know but I haven't actually talked to anyone who has actually taken the course, other than my own clients, but that's different. Thank you. That's a beautiful gift you just gave me to hear that feedback. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Okay, Jenny, what's on your mind? What's your question? Just to start out, I'm not sure you remember me, but you were my mentor in college.

Why did I mentor? Oh my God, Jenny, I don't even remember mentoring. And you were still at UCLA. Oh, no. Oh, oh, oh, okay. Oh, I thought you meant I was in college. When I was in college. And were you a therapy student? Yeah, I was studying social psychology at San Diego State.

Oh, wow. I would go to school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, then drive up to L.A. and work with you. Well, hi. Yeah, it was like 20-something years ago, that was. Yes, now that I'm thinking of it. Um, but my question is my husband and I, I now work in the entertainment industry. Um, so, and I'm also a teacher, um, and my husband is also works in the entertainment entertainment industry.

So we have kind of crazy schedules and because we live in Los Angeles and it's, it is expensive here. we've been together 11 years married for seven but five of those seven years we've been living with roommates we just like a month and a half ago moved to our first apartment just the two of us in five years and i kind of assumed it would just be like yes we're we're alone like crazy let's make love everywhere um but I don't know it's just not clicking huh now have you spent any time in your relationship life not living with other people well we've been we were together for 11 years so grand total of that we have lived without roommates for two years the first two

years of your well the first two years of you living together the middle okay and during those two years was sex was sex good during those two years yes really good and how long ago was that five years ago yeah okay and have you asked him about it not flat out and I think part of that is because we are so busy and I'm just like what's happening yeah why aren't we connecting Well, I don't know if you, I think you probably can't, I don't know if you were here from the beginning, but a little while ago, both Danica, who's still on and another person, I can't, I'm blanking on the name who got off, were asking about trying to find a way to connect, you know, they weren't connecting and the idea of scheduling it because, you know, as much as

you'd like to think, yay, we're all alone. We should be swinging from the chandeliers. you both it sounds like you're both super busy and burning the candle at both ends and so that open unstructured time where sex could easily happen and those lazy evenings and whatever like is not happening so you have to sit my recommendation is that you have to sit down with him and say I'm so you know make it positive anytime you're giving feedback about your relationship and especially about your sex life you don't want to phrase it like a complaint you want to phrase it like a positive request. So you say, I'm so, I got to tell you that I'm just so thrilled that we get to be alone now. We get to have our own apartment and I feel so good about

it. And, you know, I'm really excited to start like rebuilding our intimate life now that we have more privacy. But I know that we're both super busy and we've also gotten out of the habit of like working that into our lives. You know, it's just because we've both been so busy and I really was wondering if you'd be willing to try and experiment with me for the next few months and schedule it because if you schedule sex it then you know and it can be at a different time and a different day every week it doesn't have to be every Saturday at 3 p.m. you know it can be you can make your schedule week by week but it becomes this cute little secret between the two of you and something you can count on and then other things can build from there because what

I find is when couples haven't been having sex for a while it takes on a life of its own and it can feel hard to spontaneously reconnect that way and if you just if you schedule it it becomes something that you it sounds artificial and kind of contrived at first it becomes something that you can be playful about that you can look forward to it becomes like a touchstone in the week and I have found almost every couple that has tried this you know assuming there aren't other deep issues where one of them is really withdrawn from sex and doesn't want to have it at all changes the direction of the ship significantly yeah i think it's that fear of uh it's not spontaneous like it used to be well it's not gonna be welcome to life you know i used to say if you

have kids it's never happening spontaneously but i can't even say that anymore if you have a smartphone it's not happening spontaneously because and you and you don't work nine to five it's not going to happen spontaneously because we're just sucked into the vortex of a million things that need to get done and we're all treading water right now yeah definitely well thank you all right thanks for weighing in what about you lisa what's your question um i just got invited up and i came up and i realized i'm single so i you don't have to be you don't have to be in a relationship do you have any questions about finding love keeping love growing love maybe maybe just a comment that I'm um I'm 60 and I'm single and I love dating but I am not

out for a companion I'm not out for a buddy I'm out for a passionate relationship yeah there's no fireworks I don't I'm not interested and I'm finding too online I'm online right now and because of my age I think I get a lot of men that I just they seem to be very needy at this age they just don't seem to do very well alone and when I'm out in the world I get asked out by fit young like 30 40 year olds but online I'm getting asked out by like 70 80 year old paunchy unfit you know you know I have heard that from a lot of single women you know anywhere from 50 to 70 um the same thing and I think it has to do with the age categories you know like someone who's looking like many of these younger guys that would hit you up when they see you out in

the world would also hit you up online if they didn't put in their parameters that they want to date someone no older than 45 you know and you know and I I totally respect that I'm not out for a young guy yeah but I'm I'm out for someone who like me I'm very into health and fitness and I'm very open-minded and I I'm you know I like to learn all the time yeah I want someone with the same zest for life and I'm finding I don't know if men age quicker than women or what but I find a lot of men my age just don't seem to have the same zest for life they're not as fit they're not as and that's what I'm finding have you tried um meet mindful no I have found I mean I'm not looking but I found a lot of my friends who are in that age group have met you know it's

it's it's a dating site for men and women who really want to live mindful active evolved spiritual not religious lives most of the people seem pretty active and enthusiastic and travelers and seekers and that kind of thing so maybe you'd have some luck there maybe I'll look into that so yeah I don't really have anything else to add other than I you know I've settled in the past and I'm never going to do it again he is way better than being lonely in a relationship and I like myself and I love men but I'm not going to tie myself to someone that if there's no fireworks there ain't nothing so that's my attitude but that you know that's where that's where I'm at maybe I'll change in 10 years maybe I'll be happy to settle for just

companionship well in the meantime you don't have to I think you can find it all I certainly see it happen every day okay well I'm I'm Lisa and I think I'm finished speaking thank you who's next Stacey and what a fun topic well I just I got pinged up here by one of you and I I don't have a question but I I could add something maybe to the conversation that's working go ahead for me I like probably all of us have had some big heartbreaks but I'm in a great partnership now and um have been for seven years and one of the things that keeps the passion alive is um is having like a wellness program together we stretch before bed so we do like tennis balls and lacrosse balls and we've got our hypervolt which is this little machine

massage gun and there's a like a getting to know where each other's tension spots are and knowing each other's bodies and going to bed actually relax like freshly showered and relax just increases the probability of having sex when you're feeling good in your body it's just there's so much more energy available for that kind of thing versus you put the kids to bed and you're just crashed out. Yeah. And you're also spending quality time together, you know, doing that off technology, stretching together. And if you're stretching each other, you know, he's digging into your tension spots, you're digging into his, you're helping each other stretch. It's the equivalent of a version of a massage before bed. You know, it kind of gets

you back into your body and releases the stress of the day and tunes you into each other and relaxes you and you're touching, you know, and you're giving undivided attention. I think all of that is great. And to find pleasure in offering that. Yes. Really big. But I, you know, if you're not emotionally current with each other, then there's all these stored up resentments. And then I think that's where you find the cycle of withdrawing the love and generosity. Yes. So, you know maybe the being emotionally current having that be clear kind of invites more of that contact yeah absolutely I almost always find that if you're not having sex you aren't really feeling like allies either because of not having sex or leading to not having sex but one way or

the other that's in the mix thank you Stacey that's a great idea I appreciate you coming up and weighing in yeah thanks for having me i'm on the pink couch all right what about you julie it's good to see you your little bullseye oh my gosh i love it and i'm like dang it i have a lot of lacrosse balls tennis balls basketballs footballs at my house now i know what to do with them right get stretching with your with your man but i you know and i guess i don't and I was looking at this topic I'm like oh yeah I mean I've been married a long time and I feel so fortunate that I have a husband that absolutely puts me on a pedestal and I feel adored although you know being married so long there's definitely like the ebbs and flows but what I was really kind

of thinking about in terms of this topic is being passionate about yourself in your own life and really getting within your body and you've taught me such a lesson just by getting to know you and all your teachings just being within your body and I feel like I don't do that and I'm watching you and all your clips online just really like letting it out I feel like I've always been told Julie you just let things right off your back you're too sensitive what really I thought I'd like him to anti-sensitive right no I'm saying that's what you're told which is why you let things roll off your back and you had to leave your body because you were told that you were too sensitive early on and you weren't praised for that so you had to be

you had to be um disconnected right so I just never like engaged with anger or kind of getting that fire back within me and I don't know it probably sounds like a very ambiguous question but I know that you know what I'm talking about. Yeah I just think you already know what to do Julie which is to start getting in there and allowing that cool collected duck's back exterior let it become a suit or a jacket that persona that you choose to put on that you wear not one that wears you all the time and in the beginning that may mean just for short periods of time for 10 minutes every week even would be a great start and then eventually working up to every day. I like to do it when I first wake up in the morning, depending on, you know, my mornings

aren't too busy. So when I first open my eyes, I wake up about an hour before I have to get everyone out the door. And before I even turn to my phone or do anything else, I do a body scan and I just kind of say hello to my body and I go inside it and I notice all the sensations and all the hitches or aches or pains, not muscular, you know, kind of like that energetic internal scan. I say hello to myself. I sometimes just say a prayer, you know, help me stay connected, help me be of service, help me feel the support of God, the universe, you know, help me heal. And then taking that time every day to, because if you're quiet just for 10 minutes and you do that not always when you wake up but like in the middle of the day if you if you scan there you

will find the anger and the sadness and the fear that wants to move and emotions are just energy and motion and they all come through the same channel so if you are blocking anger or sadness which you know are the two most women including myself have had a tendency to block then you're also blocking how much joy and excitement and sexual energy is coming. They all, it all comes through the same channel. So when you're blocking one from its full expression, you're blocking all of them. And I have found time and time again, that when you practice this and really allow yourself to be messy and you don't have to bleed on anyone else, you can go in a quiet room or like I do scream into a pillow or, you know, whatever it takes or into a big bowl. It feels really good

to do it in a big bowl of ice water or a sink of ice water or out the window on the freeway or whatever. But getting that energy out is super important for being in your body. Otherwise, you have to be out of your body to block it from being expressed. And then once you start to be in your body, then you can start to really feel things and note things and feel when there's arousal or feel when there's discord or feel when there's something wanting to happen for you, you know, that you want to create or want to cultivate. I mean, our body is really the bridge to our soul. It's how our soul talks to us. And the more disconnected you are, the less you can hear it make sense yeah absolutely I need to know a little bit more about this ice water you scream

in a bowl of ice yeah you get a bowl get like a big bowl that you can stick your face in and make it really cold or put it like I'm a stick I use filtered water because I don't want I don't want the gross sink water in LA it depends what city you live in but um I and I sometimes I even put ice cubes in it for fun and then stick your face in it um and scream just go really loud don't breathe in obviously but scream out no I mean just really getting to learn the lessons that you teach this understanding the disconnect I do have between my body and my mind I mean it's really life-changing yeah some of the smartest people do so it's it's just it's a survival mechanism early on and there are many rewards that come with it and lots of accomplishments

and you get a lot of stuff done and you're really you know you're seen as really smart and you are but there's a disconnect and that's what it is you know so now it's time to start making the connection and then you'll be double trouble brilliant and connected thank you this coming Saturday. If you follow the Mental Health Coalition, there's a live going up every day of the month about different aspects of mental health and wellness. And I'll be on Saturday if you want to check that out. And otherwise, we'll see you next time, Tuesday at 2. Bye, everyone. Roll me a prescription But there is no cure for a crush

All I wanna do, I wanna do Is take you home with me I wanna make a move, I wanna make a move But I'm too shy I can't fall asleep without your arms around me I guess I'm falling in love where some see heroes and others see egos bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes while others follow the noise we follow the money learn more at bloomberg.com