Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - How to Get Over Your Ex

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Heartbreak is often an unavoidable part of dating and falling in love. Even the strongest relationships will sometimes falter and fail, leaving us broken-hearted and wondering how we can ever get over the pain and move on. On this episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman will teach you how to get over a breakup the RIGHT way, so that you can gain wisdom from the experience and move forward to new relationships without bringing baggage or having the same issues in the future: • Learn how long you should wait after a breakup before you start dating again • Find out why ‘sex with the ex’ can be so traumatic for you on a emotional and energetic level • Discover how to energetically ‘release’ your ex so that you don’t feel as entwined with them • Examine your role in the relationship’s breakup • Find out why you may have a pattern of picking partners who routinely let you down Often our romantic partners trigger our most deep-seated wounds, and when we break up, these wounds can feel very raw and overwhelming. In this episode, Dr. Berman will teach you how to honor that pain and grieve the relationship, WITHOUT clinging to the past and getting stuck in the ‘What if’s’? If you have any questions for Dr. Laura Berman about love, sex, or life, reach out to her on her social media pages or send a email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love sex relationship

questions and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. I'm excited to talk about this topic on the language of love. It's one of my favorites because it's one of the stickiest widgets when it comes to conscious loving healing in a way that really allows us to have the love life we most desire and that is you know really mastering the breakup because there isn't one of us I don't care if you fell in love with your high school sweetheart there isn't one of us who hasn't gone through a breakup either we've been the one that did the breaking up even if it was a little preschool romance every single one of us has had multiple ones most of us we've either done the breaking up or we've been broken

up with it's really always fascinating to me how far reaching those breakups go you know obviously when you break up with someone it takes some time to get over things hopefully there's that old adage that the the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else I do not think that that's, you know, a wise decision at all. And I'll talk about why. But I wanted to spend some time talking about what's actually happening when you break up on a psychological and energetic level. I want to talk about when the right time to date again is. And then really importantly, how do you know if you're stuck still? How do you know if you're still stuck on your ex? I hear that from people years out, decades out, even after starting new relationships, that they can't stop

thinking about that one person. And I want to get into that as well, why that happens and what you can do about it. And of course, I always want to hear from you. So if you have any questions or struggles or you're still trying to get over a breakup or maybe you're thinking about a breakup, definitely let me know because I want to hear from you. But let's talk about, first of all, what's actually happening when we break up. Obviously, what's happening? You're ending a relationship. That's in the practical sense. But there's a lot more happening under the surface, which explains, I think, why it's so powerful. And it is a kind of, if you look at it in a different way, you know, normally it's heartbreak and pain and everybody hates a breakup. And of

course it hurts a lot, but it's also an opportunity. It's an opportunity for healing. It's an opportunity for evolution and it's an opportunity for sort of upscaling your relationships. I can't tell you how many girlfriends I've coached through the years and clients. It's like they go through several breakups over several, several years. I'm not talking about dating someone for three months at a time, but each time they're kind of trading up. So maybe they start with the first relationship and it's kind of emotionally controlling. And the person was over-controlling and overly jealous. And they're like, I'm never going to date someone who restricts me that way and is critical and controlling of me that way.

And they get really, really clear on that and they do some healing about that. And then they date a new guy who's not at all controlling, is very confident in their connection. He's got absolutely no motivation and just sits and plays video games all day. So then she's like, okay. So I tried that for a really long time,

tried to work that out. Not only do I not want someone who controls me, but I want someone who's motivated and who has his own passions and knows who he wants to be in the world. And then she gets into the next relationship. And now she's got someone who's not controlling, who's confident, who's going, you know, so we sort of tend to upscale if we do the work. Now, why does that happen? I'm always taking things to the quantum level, as you know,

with my quantum love. Why is that happening? Why are we upscaling? Yeah, sure. Cognitively, we're more conscious of what we want and therefore more conscious of red flags that show us We're not getting what we want. But energetically, we know on a quantum level that like attracts like. So what that means is wherever we are energetically, our energetic frequency of how worthy we feel of love, how whole we feel inside ourselves, how clear we are about what we want and what we deserve, that deeply affects who we attract in to our lives. friends, opportunities, as well as romantic partners. So why is that important when it comes to a breakup? It's important because the reason a breakup is an opportunity is because it gives you an opportunity to take toll what works and what didn't work in the relationship. What part might you have played, even if you were the total victim, you know, this person cheated on you or bamboozled you or did you wrong or dumped you unceremoniously or whatever it was.

It's always a dance we do together. There were always ways in which maybe we had our blinders on or we didn't acknowledge the red flags. So what was your 100%? Because each of you have 100% there. And then taking the time to heal. And this is really controversial, I find, for people. and I'm curious what you all think. I don't mean to get formulaic. I don't like to get too formulaic about anything, but I will tell you the norm I've discovered over 25 to 30 years of working with people in relationships

and being up close and personal to people's romantic lives, that if you take the half the time you were in the relationship, maybe up to four or five years. So obviously if you were in a 20 year relationship, you don't have to stay single for 10 years. But if you were in a five year relationship that was really serious and ended.

I'm not saying you can't date someone or even fall in love again, but I want you to not make a major life commitment to move in with anyone or walk down the aisle with anyone or move across the country with someone for at least two and a half years. Because if you can take that time, the longer you were in the relationship,

the more you have to work through of the things that happened, the lessons learned, the healing, the longer you've gone without being on your own two feet. So when you take that time to resolve the relationship, to learn from the relationship, to learn more about yourself, who you are in love and what you want out of love, to resolve some of the wounds that came up in the relationship, to do the healing from the loss, and most importantly, to get solid on your own two feet again, or maybe for the first time for some of us, then you are going to attract in such a higher

caliber partner the next time. So it's a win-win. The mistake that most of us make with that best way to get over someone is under someone else, or maybe not even that, but just once you've licked a few wounds, getting back out there, is that we tend to make the same mistake again and again. And if this is you, definitely weigh in here and let me know because this is so common. Maybe even were raised by an addict and you said to yourself, there is no way I'm going to ever date an addict and you meet some guy or woman and they don't drink and they don't do drugs and you're like, OK, this person is sober. That's how clear I am. They're not an addict. And then it turns out two years down the road, you're in debt because they're a secret gambling addict. And then

OK, I'm never going to date a gambling addict or a substance abuser again. And then it turns out they're a sex addict. The next one. Right. I mean, that's an extreme example. But we tend to do that in patterns, either with people who abandon us, who aren't fully available for the relationship. We have patterns of getting into relationships with people who can't fully commit or get cold feet. We get into these patterns of cheaters and addiction, but these patterns that just don't serve us in relationship. And so if you look at your past relationships and you're seeing a pattern there more than two times, there's deep stuff that needs to be done before you even think of getting out there and dating again. That's what therapists call repetition compulsion,

right? It's kind of descriptive in the name. The idea is that we repeatedly make the same mistake, kind of like Einstein described insanity, doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. That's what we're doing unconsciously. It's not like a conscious decision we make, but unconsciously, we are repeating the wounds usually of our childhood to hope that we're going to get it different this time. Like for me, not in my current marriage of 19 years, but before that with my ex-husband and with other men I was in long-term relationships with,

every single one of them was a cheater because my dad was a cheater. And I went through so much with his infidelity and being the family therapist and trying to keep my parents together and being my mother's therapist. And for a long time, I just assumed all men cheat when I was young and a late teen and early 20s. So to me, at first,

it was just better to be with the devil you knew than the devil you didn't know. If you were with the guy you knew, he cheated while you were dating. He saw the error of his ways and he actually reforms. Boy, was that intoxicating. We all imagine and dream we're going to reform someone, but that never works. So that's a big, big part of healing from the breakup is recognizing where your repetition compulsion is kicking in if it is, and moving toward, first of all, recognizing that, but also starting to heal that. But how do you know if you're stuck? We're going to talk more about that because it can be tricky. Obviously, you're going to think a lot, a lot, a lot. If you were the one dumped, you're going to be stuck a lot longer than the one who did

the dumping. That's obvious, right? But also, if the relationship died a long, slow death, and maybe there was some relief when it ended. You probably won't be licking your wounds as long, but it's still gonna be a sad, it's still gonna be a loss. You still have to go through the process of grieving even when you've been the one that left. So there's a lot of dreams and ideas

that you have to grieve no longer being real. Who you thought that person was maybe or what you thought your future was gonna be like or what you thought your relationship was gonna be like. All of those things you have to grieve the loss of. It's change, and change is hard at the very basic basis. But if it's change that touches on your self-worth, your lovability, who you are in the world, your worthiness of love, it's an even deeper shift.

So all of us are going to be stuck for a little while. I always say to people, this is one of the reasons we're scared of starting to love, because we don't want to go through a breakup. We don't want to go through this heartbreak. It hurts. But the one thing we're guaranteed in life is heartbreak. You can't be alive without going through some sort of loss. And how we move through that loss and how we heal from it is the most important.

So I want to get into being stuck in healing in a minute, but there's an anonymous question here from someone who got divorced 10 years ago and is wondering now about getting back together with her partner. And I think it's her partner. and the idea is okay we were married we made that sacred vow 10 years ago before god before our community on a quantum and energetic level we are entwined and even if you weren't married and you were together for a very long time in a deeper romantic connection you're entwined your energy is entwined i mean whether we like it or not we're kind of entangled with all those past partners we

had those deeper relationships with so you're right in that sense and by the way 10 years out you've been through a lot but you also have this shared history so you know each other really well and you have this deep connection and if it's been a long enough time sometimes we even idealize that connection and we don't remember as readily some of the difficult parts some of the challenges but here's what I would say and this is a great question because the question is okay we're talking about breakups what about making up after a breakup that's the essence of this question and what I would say to you is that you broke up for a reason the real question when you're considering getting back together and this would not even be something I would say to consider

more than a few years out of a relationship because it would be impossible to do what I'm saying you need to have done by then so don't fall for getting back together after three months you know if you broke up for a real reason but if it's been 10 years you've both lived a lot of life since then. Calculating route to avoid seeing poverty. Turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away. Then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention.

donate today at unitedwaygt.org so the real question is getting really clear on why you broke up what were the limitations or problems or issues in the relationship and in each of you that made it impossible to stay together first of all getting really clear on that and then the second part of the question is okay and so what's going to be different what has changed because if that person has been in therapy for several years and can articulate to you, OK, I know I cheated on you when I was 25, but I'm now 35. I've been in therapy for several years. I've been in several relationships. I've grown. I realize that the reason I cheated is because I was blah, blah, blah and trying to I'm not going to make up some excuse for someone. But it has to be

a really clear explanation of how they've grown, what's going to be different and how is it going to be different moving forward. And then you have to give it time to rebuild that connection. So even though you were together 10 years ago, don't jump to renew the vows after your first date again in 10 years. Take your time getting to know each other on new terms. And I'm not saying it should be an absolute no, but you want to move with caution. You want to make clear you answer those questions of what happened and what's going to be different. And you want to give it time to make sure that you can see those differences in action. If it was someone who was really critical and controlling,

how do they respond now? Not on your first, second, third date, but three months to six months in under a period of stress, for instance. That's when you're really going to see what they're about. That's true for every relationship, not just getting back together with one. So Jude's comment is about this idea

of thinking about addiction and domestic violence and emotional abuse, which is a form of domestic violence, that for many of us, we want to believe, I mean, we all want to believe that people can change. And especially, let's just face it, we all want to believe people are willing to change for us. I mean, what is more fairytale? What is more intoxicating than to feel like that person has changed their erring ways because of their love for me?

I've inspired them to change. When the truth is, first of all, that can never happen because change, true change, sustainable change, change that doesn't lead to falling off the wagon or resentments or other problems comes from the inside. It doesn't come from the outside. It doesn't come from trying to satisfy a partner or even love a partner. You know, it's this romantic notion. I got sober for my family. That person is going to have a hard time staying sober as compared to the person who, of course, wants to get sober for their family, but first and foremost, for themselves. And that's not to say that we're inherently selfish.

That just means that willpower and control and desire to change has to be an inside-out process, not an outside-in process. process. And I think Jude is absolutely right that many of us fall prey to that story that someone can change. But as she says, you can't change someone to be something they're not. And I do believe that everyone can change. You know, I had this conversation. I went on the Dr. Oz show several weeks ago. It was about my son and his death and Snapchat and all these things that made me so angry. And one of the things that made me really angry is that for technicalities, they know who it is that murdered my son by giving him a Xanax or a Percocet or something that actually was not that, was a lethal dose of fentanyl. They know who this person is,

but because they couldn't directly connect him to the drugs that my son took, even though he bought them from him on a Wednesday, but he took them on a Sunday. So they couldn't connect the dealer legally. They knew it was him, but they couldn't legally make a case, at least not yet, probably not ever. And everyone was like so angry. And of course, I'm pissed off. But Dr. Oz said to me, what would you say to this man if you saw him in the courtroom? And I said, look, I would say, god first of all it's not that i have compassion who is okay fine it's not even about compassion for him it's about recognizing and this is what i said to dr oz you know that no one is inherently evil i really do believe that he does not agree dr oz literally said i do not agree with you

i think some people are inherently i think he means born evil i don't know i don't think that I think we are all born and here to exist as beautiful, whole, loving souls, but all kinds of crazy shit happens to us. And we're raised in such messed up families and we go through so many traumas and we have to struggle so many of us to survive and we go through so much abuse. And all I know is that whoever murdered my son is so damaged and so messed up to sell lethal drugs in the first place, much less to target and sell them to minors, to children. And he just didn't believe in that. You know, he thinks that some people are inherently evil. I do not. And so from that standpoint, with regard to I know I'm digressing, but this is related

to breakups when it comes to thinking about people changing, which is what the question that comes up when you're thinking about getting back together with someone. Change doesn't happen overnight. Change doesn't happen when someone makes a decision to change. The decision to change is where a lot of people get stuck. And so if your partner says, no, I've seen the errors of my ways. I'll never hit you again. I'll never cheat on you again. I'll never stay out all night again. I know it's going to be different now. I don't want to lose you. That's not enough. Making the decision is only the first step. Then comes putting that decision into sustainable long-term action. So I do think people can change if they choose to, if they're internally motivated

to, and if they have enough time to really stand on their own two feet in that change, which depending on what it is that they're trying to change can be years of work. So that's the main reason that you don't really want to jump back into a relationship with someone. But I can't tell you how many people I hear from who say, you know, sort of like that anonymous question, I can't. And sometimes they've even gotten into a new relationship. Sometimes they're even married, but they're like, I still can't stop thinking about my ex. They treated me so badly. They did me so wrong. I think I'm still in love with them because I can't stop thinking about them. And I think this is a point I really want to hit with you because I can't tell you how often I

hear that. It's extremely common. And what is actually happening, it's not that you're actually pining for that person who did you so wrong. It's that you're pining to be healed from the wound. And when you can't get past it over years, okay, and you still can't get past it, 99.9% of the time. It's not at all about that person or even your relationship. It's about the original wound. So in other words, let's say that person cheated on you or abandoned you and you can't get over them. It's not that you can't get over them. It's that there was an earlier time in your core development. This is usually with one of your primary caretakers or parents where you were abandoned or where you were abused or whatever it is that's playing out in this relationship

you can't get over. And what you're really doing is staying stuck in the wound, that original wound that you're assigning to that ex. But it's really not about that ex. Now it's about healing that original wound. And when you do that, then you could care less about the ex. And it's always surprising to people when that happens. calculating route to avoid seeing poverty turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on

the street then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away then take the next exit let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty your donations help the united way fight poverty in thousands of ways like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at UnitedWayGT.org. Let's go to Erica. Erica, you want to weigh in here? So I am divorced.

I was married for eight years and now I am joyfully remarried. But what has been really a struggle for me is my former stepson and thinking of him quite a lot and really not having closure on the end of that relationship because I know he's probably still in an emotionally abusive and possibly physically abusive situation that I had to leave for myself. And obviously he's not my child, so I couldn't take him with me. But I do feel like it kind of haunts me to the point that it literally I'll wake up in the middle of the night thinking of him, praying for him.

I'm in a new marriage. I'm happy keeping me connected to this previous relationship. I don't ask about him because I don't want to have any outreach to my ex-husband, but it is on my heart constantly. So I was just curious if you have dealt with that in the past or any guidance on how to work through something like that where you're not necessarily connected to the former spouse, but you have connection to maybe people in their lives. Yeah, no. And especially if it's a child. How old is the child now? He's 12 now. Okay. So how many years has it been since you left? So I haven't had any contact with my former stepson since he was 10. Okay. And the relationship ended in the beginning of 2019. So. OK, so, you know, he's almost to the age where you can start.

He'll probably be on social media, if not already soon. And you could actually start if you wanted to. I mean, you'd have to be careful about this, but you could actually start to have a relationship with him or at least to check on him in an ideal world. When you left and the child was age 10, you would have called Child and Protective Services and said, I'm just leaving this man because he's abusive. I see how he's treating his son. I'm afraid now that I've left, things are going to escalate. That would have been the ideal. Now, two years out, it would be hard to call up Child Protective Services, although you could, and say, listen, I can't stop thinking about this kid. They probably won't take it as high on their list or on their agenda

if it's been two years. But if there's anyone else in his life who you knew, a mother, a grandmother, a friend someone normally I would say like if it was that you were really close to a sister or someone like that I would just say listen I know that that's a loss and that's part of the pain of a breakup is that often you know you're breaking up with a set of friends or relatives who you were really close to who your ex gets in the separation but when a child is involved and it's an abusive situation I think you're right to be concerned and I understand why you're torn and why you needed to save yourself and i think you that part was the right thing to do but then there's also this child involved who might be in a dangerous situation so the goal would be to be

able to check in with him or to make sure someone is watching over him at least without re-engaging in any way with the ex i probably overstated it it's more emotional abuse i would say than physical i'm not concerned about him physically as much or i definitely would have raised it so yeah i think it's a good idea i i honestly cut off contact with all the family and everything even though i adored all of them i know it's so hard but honestly emotional abuse as you know having experienced it it's harder to prove with a child and with the courts and everything else but you already know from personal experience it's often as or more damaging than physical abuse and people kind of say, well, it's just emotional abuse. He's not at risk of having a broken rib

or having his teeth knocked out or being, quote unquote, being killed. But it's serious. Emotional abuse is extremely damaging. I understand what you're saying, that he wasn't particularly at risk. But I think you're right to be concerned. I've done this with exes of mine through the years when I was really close to their kids. I gave it several years. But then eventually I kind of like tickle them on Facebook, not because I thought they were at risk, but because I had a really good relationship with them. And once they were old enough, I just sort of became this friendly adult from their past who they could connect with. And I think that opportunity is there for you too. I will look into that. Thank you. Brandy, what's up? So I've

had a really hard time with letting go of my ex. And I was the third person in the relationship, but we had an intense like nine months you know he slept at my house every single night adventures blah blah blah and then I'm the one that ended it because I was like no I deserve more than this I think ego into it whatever you want to call it I thought he never said he would but I had the suspicion that how could he not come to me I mean that's what I thought was going to happen when I ended it and that's not what happened and so I have a relatively good level of self-awareness But I have not for the life of me been able to untangle from this. We live in a small village in Italy.

And so he's right around the corner from me. You know, he has a little pizzeria. We still see each other often. And then, you know, always somehow get into the conversation. And last night's, you know, my boohooing was, you know, last week it was his. And he was like, I'm so confused. And then this week it was me saying, F you. Right.

And so, you know, and so I guess I think you answered it with the whole abandonment issue. because I think that's what's coming up and I've tried to look at that but why is it so difficult to untangle from something that clearly is not going anywhere well I mean part of the reason it's difficult is because he's in your face every day and it's possible if you're in a very small little village that I wouldn't recommend that you get into another relationship now but you may be looking around thinking well there aren't even really any other prospects you know so both of those things, I guess, are kind of working against you. And if I were you, I wouldn't say to move, but I would definitely maybe take, if you can, a week to yourself away from to kind of

break the cycle or two weeks, ideally, to break the cycle of your day-to-day life, walking right past his door, and also to give yourself an opportunity to do some targeted healing, really concentrated healing and maybe go to retreat of some sort or a personal growth healing kind of thing if you can that is in your economic spectrum if you can do that if not just to go off somewhere even if you're camping in the wilderness it would be worth it to reset and to give yourself a chance to really dive into shaman kind of call soul retrieval because what this is about is not just abandonment although he definitely did abandon but the throwing down the gauntlet making that proclamation and then having him not stand up for you so making that

you either leave your wife or and you have me or you don't leave your wife and you lose me and he chose not to leave his wife now side note they never leave their wives and on the rare occasion they do leave their wives and i'm not saying this with any judgment intended it's just truth those who do leave their wives very few of them 99.9 of them cheat on you too because what you're now doing is you're marrying a cheat or you're getting together with a cheater they may convince you, and this is part of your repetition compulsion, they may convince you, I'm not a cheater. It's only because you're so indescribably delectable and I can't even resist. You're so irresistible and you're so lovable that I'm cheating on my wife. But I guarantee you he's

cheated on his wife many times and he's not going to leave his wife, especially in that small town where they're all intertwined. And if he did leave his wife, I guarantee you in three or four years, he'll be doing the same thing to you that he's doing to her. So it's really not about him, although I'm sure he's a lovely, charming, attractive, sexy guy. It's not really about him. It's about the times in your life where you said, love me. I need you. I need your support. I need your protection. I need you to choose me as a child. And you were not chosen. That's what this is really about. The point is, when you marry a cheater, people make this mistake every single day a million times a day they marry they're the affair the guy leaves the relationship for her or

she leaves the relationship for him and then they're shocked when several years down because what you've done is you're in a relationship with someone who's capable of duplicity lying cheating hiding he's capable not that all of us aren't potentially capable but he is showing how capable he is of that even if you're the one that is currently the beneficiary of all of that it's silly to think he's not going to do that to you and what very likely will happen is that he was calling your bluff but he's still going to try to keep you stringing along and as you pull away and get more healthy and set about doing your healing he's going to try to reel you back in and say no no no no i really do love you i really do need you i really do want you and then you're going to find

yourself, that's like the universe testing you. How much are you willing to stand for yourself? Because if you don't stand for yourself, no one and nothing else will. So how much are you willing to stand for yourself? And if you don't guarantee you three months from now, you're going to be doing the same thing. He's still not going to leave. He's still not going to give up the relationship. He's still going to have a million reasons why now is not the right time. What do you suggest for healing that? Because I always just thought it was abandonment issues, but there was a lot of that to come from an abusive. Well, there's layers. It is a kind of abandonment, but abandonment is such a huge umbrella that it's hard. I mean, there's so many different

kinds of abandonments. As a child, everything is an abandonment. When my dad or my mom left because they were having an affair, when they were too stoned out of their minds to be present for me, that's an abandonment. We're too busy partying or doing something else or too self-absorbed to meet my needs when I was scared or when I even needed a change, a diaper change. That's abandonment you know there's so many different kinds of abandonments so it's really important to get clear and your flavor of abandonment was around being chosen so usually and I don't know what your unique situation was but it often is a step-sibling new family kind of thing sometimes it's being stuck or left with an emotionally immature or abusive parent one parent leaves

to go start a new life that at least that's how the child sees it or one parent doesn't stand up for the child with the other parent who is being emotionally abusive or literally abusive. There's all sorts of ways this happens, but it's around, I let you know in whatever language I could as a child that I needed you and that I was hurting or I was in danger or I needed help or I needed to be chosen or I needed to be a priority. I needed you and you, because of your own limitations, because of your own issues, because of what was going on in your life, you weren't able or willing to do that. And what the child does is internalize that. Because for the child, absolutely everything is about them. Something good happens because of them, something bad

happens because of them. And so what the child thinks is, well, if I were more of something, if I were less of something, if I were more lovable, if I were more this way or that way, then mommy or daddy would be there for me. And so then that's what gets internalized and reenacted through this repetition compulsion in our relationships with people who aren't choosing us again and again and again. And so it starts with you standing for yourself. You have to choose yourself. And you have been so busy wanting someone else to choose you that you haven't chosen yourself. And what choosing yourself means is valuing yourself so much that you know what you deserve. That's what you were doing when you said to him, no more. I mean, yeah, there was a

part of you that was sneakily hoping, you know, was manipulating, but there was another part of you, the eternal part of you that knew that you were really standing for yourself in that moment in a way that maybe no one has ever done. And that's really where it starts is fall. And by the way, this applies to everyone who's gone through a breakup, whatever the reason, if you want to heal and get ready for love. And I talked about this a little bit, actually, in my podcast with the author Andrea Cain, who wrote Kicking Ass in a Corset. It was such a great book. But the key is falling in love with yourself first and taking the time to make yourself a priority, to bring no one else into your life and to discover who you are, to go back to those

earlier wounds and heal that. And I'm a huge fan, as I often say, of somatic experiencing when there are these earlier life traumas that are kind of driving your romantic decisions today. So if you go to traumahealing.org. You can find a somatic experiencing therapist who can work with you in person or remotely if there isn't one in your town. And really starting to do some of that, what therapists often call shadow work, where you're recognizing those parts of yourself that you've been pushing aside, trying to get that outside in I'm enoughness. So my guess is you've probably been in a lot of relationships where you ultimately weren't chosen and that's been your pattern and now you're speaking up here because you're finally ready to claim a different

pattern shadow work somatic experiencing and all forms of trauma work and standing for yourself because if you don't do it no one else will so the next time he calls and you want to slide back what would you do for that little girl inside you who wants someone to stand for her good luck to you keep us posted on how you're doing and thank you so much for joining me during this discussion I love hearing your thoughts and your ideas, breaking up, making up when is the right time to make up if there is a right time. If you have any questions, keep the conversation going. You can go to DrLauraBerman.com and right there is a link to SpeakPipe where you can

leave a voicemail question or a link to leave an email question. And you can watch the full YouTube video of this podcast on YouTube. And if you like it, make sure to subscribe. I will see you next time on Language of Love. take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at unitedwaygt.org.