Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - How to Last Longer in Bed: The Guys Edition

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, I'm sex, love and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. pretty much every guy I talk to wants to last longer in bed. So that's what we're going to

Starting point is 00:00:32 be getting into. Some of my key tips and tools for doing so. Now, the average woman takes about 20 minutes to reach orgasm. The average man takes about seven and a half minutes. So that is considered normal, seven and a half minutes. So anything shorter than that is considered early ejaculation, but usually early ejaculation is considered less than one to two minutes. But either way, the longer you last in bed, the longer the pleasure. And if you're having sex with a woman, the more likely you are to close that orgasm gap, the longer you last. So we're going to go over some of the key ways to do that. The easiest way, and one of the important ways is to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, your Kegel muscles. Those are the muscles

Starting point is 00:01:26 for a guy and women have these too, but they run in a figure eight around the base of the scrotum or the testes and the anus. And they're the same muscles that you use when you're, if you were to stop the flow of urine midstream. So you don't want to exercise your Kegels doing that squeezing while you're peeing because you can accidentally create a urinary tract infection. But in general, if you use those same muscles and you squeeze and release and do a couple of hundred of those a day, and it doesn't take long, you can do it in traffic or sitting at your desk or working on the computer or playing video games, but you just squeeze, release, you do quick contractions.

Starting point is 00:02:08 Squeeze, release, squeeze, release, squeeze, release, and like a hundred slower ones where you squeeze, hold, release. Why? Because if you use these muscles during sex, and you can practice this first during self-stimulation because the stakes will be lower and you'll be more in control, squeeze those Kegel muscles and you will notice that it will pull back and slow down the arousal. So, the stronger those muscles are, the more, quote, unquote, ejaculatory control you have. Which brings me to the second thing that will really help you last longer. It is called edging, okay? Now, with edging, you're masturbating, bringing yourself to almost the edge, right, of ejaculation, and then stopping all the stimulation.

Starting point is 00:03:00 So, once again, this is something you want to practice and master through self-stimulation first, and then you bring it into sex with a partner. So, the way this works is, let's say, zero is no arousal and 10 is the point of no return, ejaculation, or what us experts call ejaculatory inevitability is what it's called. So, basically, that's a 10, okay? So you want to let yourself get to like a seven. And then that's the edge. And then stop. That's called edging or the stop-start technique. So you stimulate yourself. You get to a seven. You stop. You go back down to like three, four, and then start stimulating again. Get to a seven. Stop.

Starting point is 00:03:52 back to a three, four, seven to four, seven to four, as many times. So you start mastering it and then let yourself go to a 10. Once you've mastered that edging thing through stopping, then you practice through just slowing down. So you're stimulating, stimulating, stimulating. You get to a seven. Maybe you're stroking your penis. You just slow down the strokes. You slow it down because this is what you're going to be wanting to do during sex with someone else. Maybe at first you're going to have to just stop mid thrust, right? Once you get to that seven, but ideally you want to be able to just slow it down, come back to a four and then back to a seven and then back to a four and then back to a seven until you're ready for ejaculatory inevitability.

Starting point is 00:04:43 So that's edging. And that's a really beautiful way to train yourself. One of the most effective ways to train yourself. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the Quantum Sex Free course. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Starting point is 00:05:47 another technique you can use if the stopping isn't working and if the stopping doesn't work then the slowing down won't work is something called the squeeze technique and basically what you do is you squeeze if you can't slow yourself down and you're really having trouble controlling it you can squeeze at the base of the head of the penis and with just your pointer and middle finger and thumb. So your thumb is where the underside of the head is at the, where the head meets the shaft, your pointer and your middle finger are on the top side and you squeeze rather tightly and that not to the point where you're in excruciating pain. And then that will actually is even more effective for many than the stop because it's creating a little bit of pain or

Starting point is 00:06:36 discomfort. So that's just a tip to use if the stop start thing doesn't work, but usually that does. The other thing that really helps what's called desensitizers. Now, these are products that for the most part can affect your sexual partner as well because they basically either have lidocaine or some other product in them that diminish sensation. So you don't want it to happen where you're diminishing sensation on your penis so you can last longer, but you're also diminishing sensation on your partner. So for a lot of these products, you can wipe it off or clean off the product, even once it's worked and you notice that you've lost sensation. If you wipe it off your penis, then you won't get it on your partner. But there is one product that I'm aware of called

Starting point is 00:07:23 Promescent. It's spelled P-R-O-M-E-S-C-E-N-T, Promescent, that absorbs into the skin and it works below the skin's surface. It works on the nerve receptors under the skin. So it's not dulling the sensation on the skin like a lot of these products do. It is actually working on the nerve receptors under the skin, and that seems to help men. It really works effectively to help men slow down. So those are the most common tips, as well as the tried and true masturbation. Because if you masturbate before you have sex with a partner, you will often find that you You can delay ejaculation during partner play because you've already reached orgasm once. You're a little bit slower on the uptake the next time.

Starting point is 00:08:17 So if you're someone who reaches orgasm really quickly, masturbating before sex actually can work in your favor. For most people, if you don't reach orgasm quickly or you have trouble with erections or trouble with desire, you don't want to masturbate before sex. But if you reach orgasm more quickly than you'd like, that can be really effective. Now, another tip that a lot of people don't know about, but there was actually a study in 2017 that showed this, is to find your optimal weight because maintaining a moderate weight will actually improve your performance in bed.

Starting point is 00:08:51 This study, researchers found that people with three or more of this list that I'm about to give you, three or more of the following conditions, had an increased likelihood of early ejaculation. And that was so three of these high blood pressure, low levels of the good cholesterol. So that's low levels of HDL, not LDL, waist circumference of 40 or more inches, elevated blood sugar levels, or elevated blood triglycerides. Okay, so that's high blood pressure, low levels of good cholesterol, waist circumference of 40 or more inches, elevated blood sugar levels, and elevated triglyceride levels.

Starting point is 00:09:36 So we know that obesity, high blood pressure, and diabetes are a major cause of erectile dysfunction, but they're also finding that it can actually play a role in early ejaculation as well. And then finally, I would say if you wait longer to have penetration or maybe even skip it all together, that can help compensate for not lasting long enough. So many of us think that penetration is the ultimate goal when you're being intimate with a partner. But if you find that you're reaching orgasm way too early and these other techniques aren't

Starting point is 00:10:14 working, either focusing on other activities like oral sex or manual stimulation, helping your partner reach orgasm first takes the pressure off, and then you don't have to worry as much. The interesting thing that I find interesting is that performance anxiety will play a role not only in a man's ability to achieve an erection and maintain an erection, it can also cause delayed ejaculation where he has a hard time reaching orgasm. And for some, it causes early ejaculation. So in all counts, taking the pressure off will really help whatever you're struggling with sexually when it comes to male performance. So help your partner get

Starting point is 00:11:02 there first. A study also done in 2017 found that 18% of women only experience orgasm through penetration. So they need that direct clitoral stimulation more than penetration. So if you are focusing on that, it will take the pressure off and maybe you'll feel a little less anxious and whatever real anxiety is playing in your early ejaculation, that will be taken off the table. Another thing that can help with early ejaculation are condoms because condoms will diminish. That's one of the big complaints about them is that they diminish sensation. So, they desensitize the penis. You could even try, they make desensitizing condoms that have some of that lidocaine or numbing agent on the inside of the condom. So, some men need that additionally, but a lot of

Starting point is 00:11:58 men will find that just with the condom, it will slow down their arousal. And also, switching up positions can help. So if there's a position that's really exciting to you and really arousing where you reach orgasm really quickly, don't do that position until you're ready to ejaculate. Maybe try positions that are even more enjoyable to your partner but aren't as uber stimulating to you. It's a win-win because your partner is enjoying it more and you're keeping your arousal slowed down so that you can ejaculate when you're ready. And then when you're ready, get into that position that you most love. I think that's all of my tips. That was a lot of them, right? To learn to last longer in bed. If you have any questions about this or anything else

Starting point is 00:12:51 on your mind about love, sex, and relationships, feel free to ask in the comments. I'm always here for you, ready to help you learn to love and be loved better. If you like this episode, make sure to follow on your favorite platform. for your love

Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - How to Last Longer in Bed: The Guys Edition

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