Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - How to Save Your Marriage When You Have Outgrown Your Partner

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

Today on “The Language of Love,” I am sitting down for a ‘Sessions’ episode. This is where I get to sit down and do a real-time session with a caller just like you! Today I am speaking with a caller who says that she has found that she is growing away from her husband. Although she deeply loves her husband, she is finding that they just aren’t connecting the way they used to. She feels herself being called to a more soulful, meaningful existence, and she is being pulled out of her comfort zone into a place of magical transformation and self-growth. But while this can be a beautiful space of healing and wisdom, it can also be frightening and uncomfortable, especially if your partner isn’t on that same wavelength with you. My caller says that her husband very much wants things to stay at the ‘status quo.’ He doesn’t want to see their relationship change or his wife grow into new directions. So what do you do when this happens? Can one partner ‘ascend’ to a higher state of consciousness and healing while the other partner stays in their comfort zone and clings to their old ways? How do you keep your marriage tight and intimate when you feel like you and your partner are vibrating at completely wavelengths? This is a very important episode because this is an issue that is coming up more and more lately among my clients. As I discuss in my new e-book about Ascension, many people are undergoing massive spiritual transformations right now. As a result, their relationships are changing and they are moving away from people and situations that no longer serve them. But if you deeply love your partner and don’t want to lose that relationship, how can you safeguard that bond when you are no longer on the same energetic frequency? Tune in right now to hear my advice! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. So Kira, welcome. What's on your mind, my friend? How can I help?

So I think that when I saw your post the other day about ascension, I hit bells on every single one of those things. And most importantly for me, I was thinking about relationships. And when I think of my relationships, I notice a lot of things changing, whether it's friendships or my marital relationship. And I'm like, okay, Karen, this is all me. The biggest one, I think that part of it, I chalked up to menopause, honestly, because you hear people talk about just stop tolerating things. You stop people pleasing. You look at things more clearly and differently. And I've been doing that with my marital relationship. I love my husband. I recognize that we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. I have asked for space to get clarity.

I want to salvage and keep what we can. And I feel like I want some guidance as to how to make that shift without destroying the relationship. Yeah. He doesn't want this. I need it. Okay. So what doesn't he want that you need the space? He doesn't want the space. He doesn't want to separate. He doesn't want, and honestly, I'm going to say, I don't think he really wants to change the status quo. Right. Nobody does until they do. Right. And that's where I am. Yeah. So in every relationship, right? If you're not growing, you're buying, right? And so couples who grow together, stay together. And that is probably when people say to me, what should I really be looking for in a life partner? Of course, you need a shared vision of the future

and attraction and shared values, but you both have to have that growth mindset if you're going to really be able to smoothly, I'm not saying it's impossible, but smoothly move through a long life together? Because you've already lived enough if you're going through perimenopause and menopause to know. Therein lies the rub, right? Because I have, since we met, we've been together almost 30 years. Yeah. And when we met, we were on the same plane. I hadn't addressed a lot of childhood trauma. Yeah. I hadn't figured out what was meaningful to me. I didn't want to dig deep. Yeah. And that was safe for both of us. Absolutely. I have progressed. I need now this really deep, soulful connection that is almost offensive, I think, to my husband. Yeah. And

it's probably offensive because the fundamental need of all of us, but especially of men in a relationship, besides a good sexual connection, if they have a good sex drive, a healthy sex drive, but besides that is to feel like that they can make you happy, right? So if now all of a sudden you're coming to him with new rules, like what you need to do to make me happy is go super deep below the surface and therefore touch on all your wounds

that you've spent your entire life avoiding and go into the darkness with me. And by the way, all the rules are change of our relationship. Of course, he's gonna shit a brick and wanna resist that. Does it mean he can't do it? I don't know. but what I need to understand more to even start to answer that question, not that I can fully answer it because I don't know the two of you, I can guess from what you tell me, is what it is.

You say that you want a deep soulful connection. What is it that is making you feel like you need to separate and have space? What are you hoping to achieve with this space? So what I'm experiencing when we're together under the same roof is I am so reactive because being in space with him where he's really a workaholic. He sits at his computer remotely working all day. The whole pandemic, we're confined for all this time. And I feel like I'm not a priority. And so when we are together, that is constantly going off in my head, this feeling like I am not worthy of the attention, the connection, the investment. And so the space for me gives me room to not feel that constantly, like the way we're in separate houses every other week

right now. And so when I'm at the other house, I feel like I feel an exhale, just like I don't feel the constant in my face of this is my partner who is supposed to be in it with me, like be in the foxhole. All right. So let me stop you there because I totally get why you want to separate, right? Because it's easier and you don't feel the pain of the disconnect when you're separate. However, if your agenda is to get closer, running away to avoid the pain of your separation is just going to separate you further. It's not going to get you closer. Okay. So let me just ask you this. When he isn't working, what I think I heard you say is that when he isn't working and he is available to you, you are there bubbling with generalized, built up, accumulated resentment

for all the times and all the ways he's not showing up for you in the way you want him to. Or is it that he's really not making the time at all and you're just sitting there watching him not make the time? Do you see the difference in what I'm asking you? So which is it? I think that the first part, I do have all the bubbling up resentment, that check. Yeah. But I also do not feel like in terms of being available to me and connecting with me that that's on his list of priorities. Well, even if it's not on his list of priorities, what does he do in his free time? Like when you say, hey, can we spend some time together and he's finished working? Does he try? He doesn't usually finish working. And after

finishing working, it's usually doing some project around the house. Like he's an active service kind of guy. Yeah. Yeah. So for him going and doing something, working in the yard, cleaning out the garage, that is his love language. Yeah. It's not mine. So what is it that you would want him to do in that free time? Have you articulated to him like a proactive thing he could do? And what is it? Yeah. So for example, it's like, can we at least go to bed one night a week together? Yeah. One night a week. Can we have a date night? Can we go out once a week, every other week, once a month? And I met with resistance. Does he say yes and not do it? Or does he say, I just don't have time? It used to be when in the earlier years, it used to be okay,

but I would end up planning it and executing it. And there was always some sort of like, not feeling quite well the day that the date night would happen. It has not felt like he's in it fully, not fully present for it. Yeah. Well, that's an issue, right? I mean, there are things you could do, right? So what you're saying is not that the separate because the separation isn't going to bring you closer. I mean, maybe separating from him will be a wake up call to him without you around all the time to somehow decide, oh yeah, I do want to make priority. Right. And so if that's your agenda, say that. Right. And I have said that I have said, you know what? I honestly feel like I'm asking you to declare in some fashion that this relationship

is worth working on, that I absence makes the heart grow fonder. And and I think deep down that is what I'm hoping flips a switch. I don't know that it has flipped a switch. What would he say is standing in the way of him giving you quality time and connection time, which is, you know, a pretty simple request? I think for him, it is fear, fear of rejection, fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. And that I understand because my pent up feelings about wounds, we've never repaired it. And so for me, I feel like when there's a wounding, there has to be a repair. And if there's not a repair, his mode of life is like, put it under the carpet. Let's just go on like nothing's wrong.

And for me, that is really painful. That is almost like you hurt me by whatever the act was. And by not being willing to talk it through, it hurts even more. Yeah. The pretending like you can just go on like that. I can't. Yeah. And so did he do thing?

I mean, did he cheat on you? I know he's neglected. not infidelity and not abuse. It's more neglect in the relationship. It's more like when I have a breast cancer scare, remember that I'm at the ultrasound appointment. Yeah. Yeah. You know, don't text me about something in the middle of that while I'm waiting alone in a waiting room. Yeah. Those are hurtful things. Right. It sounds like he is living in a universe where he does very little right. And I'm not disagreeing with you. That is unconscious and he isn't caring enough and he isn't for you or maybe for anyone. I mean, I'm sure there are women who require

very little from a partner, right? But what you're requesting is reasonable, right? That when I go and get an ultrasound, you know, you remember you're conscious of it. You're aware of me. You're attuned to enough to me to give a shit that I'm getting an ultrasound, much less to remember it, right? Or to want quality time. I will say this, that even though all of your built-up resentments and feelings of betrayal or rejection or feeling like your needs and wants and your wounds aren't honored, I totally get that. And a lot of that comes from childhood, right? The degree to which you feel that wounding is about him, but it's as much or more. 30% of it is about him, right? The rest of it is about him being the catalyst of that much deeper

wound. And so the reason I bring all of this up is not to say that what you are asking for is unreasonable or that your resentment is unreasonable. Both of those things are untrue. They are reasonable. The question is, what do you really want, right? Because if what you want, and maybe the question is even more, what do you really need? If what you really need is for someone to own him in this case, but my guess is it's even more than him. He just happens to be the one that's having to do it for all your parents and everyone else who's done this to you, right? But if he were to come forward and say, honey, I've treated you so badly. I am so wrong. I am sorry for the ways that I've mistreated you and made you feel small and hurt you and been

insensitive and didn't see you. And I am so wrong. And I hate myself for doing that. And I'm so sorry. If he were to do that, then the fantasy, and I'm not saying this is even conscious, the fantasy is that he's almost like, now I can kind of feel closure about all the other wounds too, because we act out all of our earlier childhood wounds with our parents, with our partners. That's what we do. That's part of the higher soul purpose, I think, of relationships is working through our family of origin shit with a partner, right? So if that is your deepest need,

I would give you some caution about that for two reasons. One is that he's not someone that can necessarily do that. He has such fragile self-worth and is so scared of being wrong and is filled with so much shame and guilt that at least at this point, given the trajectory of your relationship so far and how much he feels he's walking on eggshells,

it would be really hard for him to give that to you. And once you get into a tug of war with someone saying, this isn't going to happen, and then you start kind of controlling them, right? I am not going to get over this until you respond to me in this specific way. Then there's even more resistance, right? And it's not even authentic when it comes.

So I'm not saying it won't come down the road, but I'm saying pitching your wagon to that is not only futile, It's only 30% about him. And I don't think it's going to give you what you really need, okay? Because what you need is healing and closure and releasing the resentment that is in great part toward him, but is even more toward members of your family growing up. And truly not only forgiving them, but even more so recognizing that their neglect and their gaslighting of you, as painful as it was. And as much as we wouldn't wish that on anyone was not only part of your

soul's journey, what you signed up to come here and have the experience of in your perfection, right? Oh, I want to experience separation, rejection, trauma, you know, all of these things, but also it's part of your greatest purpose. It's part of what makes you so compassionate. It's part of what makes you so deep. It's going to be a huge part of your work in the world in terms of helping people if it isn't already. I don't know what you do for work. It is. Right. It has very little to do with your husband. And even if he were to come, it would be a fantasy. It wouldn't solve all that other stuff. OK. Plus, it's not going to give you what you really need and want in relationship, because if you want to make this relationship

work with your husband, what you really need is not an apology. OK, that would be nice. Right. but that's really about your family of origin. That's not about him. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with the Coffee Plus range, infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins,

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Okay. So how do you cultivate that? How do you cultivate that in a place where neither one of us feels that safety to be so vulnerable and not be triggered? Yeah. Well, so part of it is you, because you can only control you. You can't control what he does. Right. So part of it is you really diving into this kind of healing work I'm talking about with someone in terms of how your relationship with your husband is triggering it. But most of all, some of those earlier wounds. And I would even say there's some like deep trauma there that the little girl in you imagines incorrectly that some sort of restitution will make it right. and it won't. It's not going to fix it. Okay. So that will definitely help alleviate some of the

resentment. However, in my experience, it's about really keeping your eye on the prize, right? So first of all, if you're doing that healing work, you're going to feel more whole and more supported and more attuned to the truth of the love that you are and the love you deserve. And then it's so much easier to move with compassion and grace in those tougher places like your relationship. But if you really want that with your husband and you really want to give it a chance to happen with him, then you are going to have to make a conscious decision to wipe the slate clean and decide because this is the truth. the only way forward. You can't change the past. Right. And you have no freaking idea what's going to happen in the future. Right. But if you want to create a different future. Now, I'm not saying anyone should do this if there's been abuse or infidelity. And I'm not suggesting that you stick your head in the sand of around the workaholic issues. What I am saying is that the past is

eating you alive. And it's not even about the past 30 years with him. It's yes, that's been part of it, but it's really about something much deeper. And so healing, working on that will help you release the past. If you really want to give this a chance, you're going to have to take an emotional risk and be willing to put it on the line for love and be willing to wipe the slate clean. I mean, I do this in my relationship all the time. I don't let resentments fester for 30 years. You know, I might have in a different lifetime. And if I wasn't who I am, I have a lot of blind spots. That's not one of them. Right. But what I would do, especially during periods where we were really in conflict with each other

or those resentments were building, we would literally call for a reboot. You know how like you reboot a computer? Like we'd just been in this intractable thing and it wasn't getting, and I was pissed at him about saying he was pissed at me. And finally, one of us would say, hey, I'm calling for a reboot.

The past is irrelevant. Like slate wipe clean, let's move forward. And then there's no like, she's gonna be mad and I'm scared to approach her because it's gonna suck and she's gonna tell me how much I suck, right? there's none of that. But doesn't it have to be a mutual reboot? It does usually. And 10 years ago, I would have told you definitively it needs to be both of you. But since I discovered quantum love and I'm happy, in fact, if you don't have a copy, you stay on the line afterwards with the producer

and we'll get your snail mail address or Kindle, whatever, and I will mail you a copy. But that is the Jedi mind trick for your relationship. And that is when I learned that when you start getting clear, and it was so fascinating to me as a therapist, because I would work so hard to get the other partner on board or even to get the other partner to come in. And then I would work with the individual that like you who did want to change. And I would do as much as I could with them. But ultimately we needed both of you with quantum love, just one of you, you really making these changes in yourself, which first and foremost means making that decision to let go of the past. And there's a lot in there also about how to shift out of those stuck places when you're

triggered as well. But the crux of it is every love relationship, and your husband is no exception. In fact, I'm guessing he's even more so than many because he's so sensitive and wounded. Our partners are seriously energetically entrained to us. So there is a whole universe of nonverbal, unconscious, I'm not even talking about your body language, your obvious body language, unconscious communication happening that he is attuning to your energetic frequency and you're probably attuning to his. What you learn in quantum love is to get very, very clear about what you want, the experience you want to create between the two of you, the feeling you want to create between the two of you. In that moment, much less in general, you can do it hour to hour,

day-to-day, whatever, it doesn't matter. And then you learn to move your body into the energetic frequency of how you want to experience relationship with him. And it will blow your mind how instantly he will match you. Now, I'm not saying he will put his computer away and say, let's go walk in the park for the next 12 hours. And I'm not going to look at my smartphone, right? It's not going to be the, but you will start to notice that you are more magnetic around him, that he seems to be really engaging and enjoying more. And as you are doing this, because you're going to learn these techniques in the book, but as you are doing this, I want you also to make a list of simple and short, like no more than an hour or so, experiences,

walks shows concerts events i don't care that he would like that you would be interested in and make a whole long list of those and start asking him on dates right if you really want this to change you have to be the model of the change you want in the relationship you have to decide to wipe the slate clean if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out at least you've tried everything right new from Nespresso blend wellness into your coffee routine with a coffee plus range infused with functional benefits choose the coffee you love with added b vitamins like coffee plus b12 to help support immune function and coffee plus b6 to keep your day moving or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight our new double espresso with ginseng extract whatever lies ahead

don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on Nespresso.com. And you have to start reaching out to him because it's almost like a muscle he has to build. That not only is he capable of more and more amounts of intimacy and one-on-one and quality time, but that he's not going to have his head bit off or chained while he's doing it. Yeah. And I think that's what he tells me is like, you know, if every time we connect, we have to dissect our relationship. Yeah. Who wants to do that? And I get it. I get it. And I think the opposite for me is like, if we don't address it and we just go la-di-da on with the day, then it feels fake. It feels inauthentic to me. Why? Because I don't want to sit and watch

a television program with all of this bubbling underneath. Right. But what do you really want? Do you want to be right or do you want to be in love? This is what I mean. I don't think it's bubbling underneath because you can't let go of it. I think it's bubbling underneath because holding onto it gives you a sense of safety that this won't continue, that if I let my guard down, let go of it, then nothing's going to change, right? I think that that's true.

And it's not working, right? Nothing's changing. In fact, the opposite is true, right? holding onto it and making that the flavor of your home and your relationship is only creating more separation and more isolation. And so do you want to move with love? Because if you were both souls now, right, let's say, may you live to be 150 years, but now you've both died. Or even just right now, imagine your souls, not your bodies, sitting in a theater, watching the show of your relationship and what's going on in it right now, you would see so clearly

that every shitty thing he's done, every ignoring or passive aggressive or shutting down thing, you would see, imagine seeing the bubbles of his energetic state in that moment, his fears, his insecurities, his little child self who was driving the bus in that moment and running away because he was scared of being hit or he was scared of being shamed or he was scared of being rejected, that none of those actions he took were ever meant to make you feel small or unimportant,

that they were about his unconscious wounds and his inner child self that is so wounded and sad and scared that he wasn't capable of showing up for you the way he wants, right? It wasn't because you're not worthy of that or he deems you unworthy. And so to resent the shit out of him for it is like resenting the shit out of a, you know, because this started for him when he was four. I think that's what I'm feeling. So it's like imagine a five year old who's being selfish or not sharing his toys or being a bit of an insensitive asshole.

and you knew that he had just been beaten by his mother or he had just watched his father beat his mother or whatever it was that happened, would you go to that five-year-old and say, you need to apologize? And until you do, you're not getting your supper, right? You would understand. It's only because his wound is touching yours so deeply

that you can't understand it. So what do you do about that? You can't change his willingness to address his wounds, but you can change your willingness to address your own and to recognize that your reaction, you know, this sense of justice that a lot of us adopt, especially when we've been abused a lot, right? That is exhausting anvil of a million pounds

around your neck, okay? If you are not gonna be okay unless you have justice, if you are not gonna feel safe unless you have justice, you already know, my friends, just from larger life, forget your relationship. that that is a futile effort, right? That's impossible. You cannot make your peace or your openheartedness or your love contingent on justice because you will end up very bitter and very unfulfilled. So let me ask you this. You know, I know men are physical and sex is

really important. How do you get past to reconnect on a physical level when wading through all of this? Yeah. And both honestly need to start happening because it will cultivate a deeper connection within him. And you've heard me, I'm sure, say this a million times that men achieve that emotional sense of closeness that you're seeking through quality time and connection and all of that, they get primarily through the physical act of sex. So there are a couple of ways to go about it. I don't think if you were someone else who wasn't so tied to this sense of justice and struggling so much, then I would encourage you just like right now just to go for it. But in the meantime, I would really want you to alleviate some of the bubbling resentment a

little bit first inside yourself. I'm not saying he's going to do that for you, but in general, how long has it been since you've had sex? Probably a year. Yeah. If you can think about right now, like even just right now, give me five genuine things that you can really appreciate about this man. Forget all the other shit you can't appreciate. What can you appreciate about him? I think he is extraordinarily kind. He is loyal, probably to a fault. He is committed, I think, to family. He definitely is thoughtful in the sense of planning for the future and making sure that... Taking care of. Yeah, that there is safety in terms of financial well-being or whatever. and he wasn't counting.

I think that overall, and I know that he loves me. I know that he loves me and is not intentionally trying to hurt me. So in terms of good heartedness. Yeah, he has it. He absolutely has it without question. So what I would say to you is that if you can start and it's gonna feel scary for you

because you have this false, it's not a real sense of safety, but it's an illusion of a sense of safety that lots of people use. Your false sense of safety is this justice piece, right? So if you don't have justice you've created this double bind for yourself that if you don't have justice you don't have peace And you don't have safety And that's just not true

Right, but you've created this This double bind for you where you don't have justice. So you don't feel safe. You don't feel safe So you don't want to open up sexually and that's where your double bind is, right? So if you can make the decision, I am letting go of the past in service to creating a new future. I am much more powerful than I even realize, and I'm going to change the energetic frequency of this relationship and not only create more safety inside myself, but by virtue of doing that, create more safety inside him so that he can reach out to me more and he can attune

to me more. And you're going to be cultivating that frequency of safety and connection in your relationship, which you're going to learn to do with quantum love. But in the meantime, if there are ways that you can just really focus on those things that you most appreciate about him, and even though you're not feeling deeply romantically, intimately safe and connected to him, you've been with him for 30 years. You can see that this period in your life, very likely, it's up to you really, is just a blip in the screen of your life together and that he has given you so much love and safety and loyalty and connection. And he is inherently a

good man. And so he deserves, even if you're mad at him, he deserves just like you deserve to feel loved. It's so wild how I can do that with my kids. Yeah. And I can't do it with him. Because it's about your family. That's what we do. We project it all onto them. And your kids to you are innocent, right? He's not. He's just as innocent as your children, right? So think of being sexually intimate with him as giving him a loving gift that softens his heart, that opens his mind, and that cultivates a sense of love and connection that you so deeply want to cultivate in your relationship. Because sex is not a transactional tool. It is not a conditional tool. It is supposed to be a connecting tool and not only a way to connect to each other and connect to oneness, but connect to yourself. and so if you can see it that way as fostering connection as cultivating connection as helping him open and soften and feel the love that you want to feel reflected back to you that i promise you combined with some of the other quantum love stuff you're doing you will see a drastic change i want you to try this for three weeks okay and then i want you to

definitely reach out and give me an update because I think you're going to really see a big difference. So I remember when my oldest, I was a new mom and my oldest was really small and was acting out and I was trying to figure out the discipline thing. And I was talking to my pediatrician and I'll never forget what he said to me because not only did it lead the way with parenting, but it led the way in my relationships as well. He's like, look, timeouts are great, but the timeouts will not work if the time ends aren't really valuable. And so if you want your child or your husband or anyone else to respond to a timeout, you've got to make the time in something that they really value, right? And right now, your husband is taking his own timeouts,

But the time in ain't that much fun. Right. He's not getting laid. He's getting no validation. He's getting criticized or coldness or abandonment, which is his greatest fear. So how's he going to open up to you in the way you want? So you have to be the change in your relationship. Are you willing to do that?

I really want to do that. I think I'm afraid to do it. The part you talk about the justice piece, it is such a thick cord through so many aspects of my life. I think that sexual trauma that I had as a kid, all of this stuff, it brings it up. But I know in my heart that he's a good guy. And I think part of the reason I made the comment when you posted what you posted is because I don't want to destroy him in the process of trying to become happy myself.

Well, not only do you not want to destroy him, but I can promise you that if you really want to be happy. Now, I would not say this to you if this was an abusive relationship or super toxic, okay? But in this case, if you really want to be happy in your life with him or anyone, you're going to have to work through this with him. Because if you were to leave right now and say, you know what? He can't do it. I feel so much better when I'm alone and sticking my head in the sand and not seeing the evidence

of our disconnection every day, right? So I can go over here and stick my head in the clouds and not see it. It feels so good. I know. I get it. But it really doesn't. It's like a drug. It feels good for a little bit, but then it doesn't. Right. I haven't gotten to the doesn't yet. Okay. Well, so maybe that's what you want. Right. Maybe that's what you want. But I will tell you this, even if that's what you want, if you were to leave this relationship today and say, you know what? I love you. We've had a wonderful 30 years, but you know what? I accept that you just can't change and I don't want to

change you and it's time to move on. All the dynamics that have built up in this relationship are going to replay in the next relationship. And you're going to find some guy who is not a workaholic and who really shows you all the ways that he has a work-life balance. And then it's going to turn out that he's a total cheater. Or he has some other way that he's going to abandon in you, disconnect from you, because you are going to keep repeating that pattern until you heal it. And so my suggestion, since you clearly care about this man and he has so many great qualities and you've invested 30 years, use this as an opportunity to heal yourself and to change yourself and to lead with love. He is not your abuser. He is not the one that has hurt you in the way you were so

hurt. He is not the one. He is very protective. He is not intended ever to cause you harm. The harm that he has caused has come from him hiding. He has never intentionally caused you harm, nor would he. And yet he is getting the brunt of all your feelings about all those people who did. And that's where your real healing is. And that's, in large part, why your soul chose him, right? Because he was going to trigger in a safe way. Thank goodness, right? Not in a reenactment way, but in a safe way, he's going to trigger those old wounds. So if you can do that work, I don't know if you're in therapy, but definitely explore somatic experiencing, okay? And really get to some of those wounds because the more you can do that, the less sticky and thick

that justice cord that screws up all areas of your life is going to be. And I get it. I get the justice cord, but I also get the, I forget what that phrase is, like revenge is a dish best served cold. Is that what it is? But basically it does not satisfy. It's a fantasy that is going to satisfy. If justice satisfied, then maybe it would be worth having this thick of a cord and attachment to it, but it doesn't, right? It's really that young, small part of you that imagines that justice would make it right that fought back then. If this person just really understood what they were doing to me and said they were wrong, then I could know that it wasn't my fault. Then I could know that I'm really loved and protected. That's what your child self thought. If a friend

came to you and said, I just need this person to apologize and then I'll be OK, would you believe them? Yeah, I guess. Right. That's that's just your inner child. Yeah, I hear you. So don't let her run the bus in your relationship. We want to honor her. We want to help her heal. We want to help her feel safe. We want to help her understand. But she should not be driving the bus. I hear you. All right, my friend. So stay on. Give us your snail mail address and I will send you a copy of quantum love so you can get started. And I want you after you start in three weeks to reach back out and let us know how it's going. Okay. Okay. Will do. Thank you for your time. Thank you. You're in for a crush

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