Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - How to stop being a 'people pleaser' in the bedroom

Episode Date: August 8, 2022

On today’s episode of “The Language of Love,” I am doing a “Bites” episode! These are my short-and-sweet episodes in which I answer listeners’ most pressing questions. For this “Bite,” I tackle a question from a viewer who wants to know how to deal with people-pleasing in the bedroom. Being a people-pleaser might sound like a good thing, but it is often very self-destructive for the person who is being the pleaser. They often give up their boundaries and their truth in order to satisfy the needs of everyone around them, and as my caller points out, this can even occur inside the bedroom too. So what happens if you are stuck in people-pleaser mode in the bedroom, or if your partner displays this behavior during intimacy? How can you ensure that BOTH of you are feeling valued and respected, and that each of you are truly enjoying sexual pleasure instead of just going through the motions or faking orgasms? In my own experience as a sex therapist, I have found that people who struggle with people-pleasing behaviors and codependent behaviors often have a very hard time being honest about how they really feel and what they really want. They are so used to saying “It’s okay” or “I’m fine” that they end up becoming truly isolated from what is happening inside of them. It’s easy to see how truly problematic this can be for sexual pleasure! If you are not comfortable asking for what you want, or if you don’t even know how to tune into your own body and pay attention to what is happening for you (instead of trying to feel how your partner might be feeling or wondering what they might be thinking or needing from you), it’s going to be super hard for you to get to a place where you can have fulfilling, passionate sex. So what can you do? How can you move on from people-pleasing behavior and become more vulnerable and connected in the bedroom? Tune in right now to listen to my advice for this caller. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. This is a great question. I want to address on a language of love bite. And that is, okay, you talk a lot, Dr. Berman,

about people-pleasing. How does it affect things in the bedroom? So we know that people-pleasing is associated with codependency. Not always, but we often go hand in hand. And a codependent is someone in general who isn't okay if you're not okay, who's sourcing their comfort and their well-being outside themselves. So that means that they will give up their boundaries. They will give up their own needs. They will give up their truth in order to stay connected to you, to be okay with you, in order for you to be okay with them. They can't tolerate separation or abandonment or the fear of that really drives them, right? And so you can see how people pleasers, which are people who can't say no, who are really focused on meeting the needs of others. And by the way, we love

in general, pleasing people. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with being someone who enjoys making other people happy and loves giving and doing for other people. It's from where that intention is coming and being really conscious of where that intention is coming from. So if you're a people pleaser and you notice you're about to go do something for someone or help someone with something or whatever, do you have a full body yes to that? Is that coming from a place of feeling tapped out and you can't say no? Or do you have a full body yes to that and it energizes you? Are you doing it out of fear or shame? Or are you doing it out of a place of integrity and clarity and full-heartedness? These are the kinds of questions

that the people pleaser has to ask themselves and that the codependent has to ask themselves. Now, let's talk. That's just a quick summary. I have lots of other videos on that and I can make more for you. But let's answer this question. How does this affect things in the bedroom? well, think about it, right? If you aren't capable and practiced and comfortable saying no to the things you want to say no to, saying yes to the things you want to say yes to, asking for what you need and want and desire, how are things going to go for you in the bedroom? What I typically see is that if you tend to be a people pleaser, you are much more focused on your partner's pleasure and how you're being perceived by your partner. And if you're a good lover or if you look good

whatever those other things are, rather than your own pleasure. In fact, people pleasers and codependents often are rarely even in their bodies. And so they may notice that they're much more focused in a sexual scenario on the technique or does my breast smell bad or is this blob of fat being felt or did I turn off the lights downstairs or whatever, rather than being fully present in the sexual situation, not only attuned to their partner, but also internally attuned to their own bodily experience, their own pleasure, their own sensations, right? So they're not fully present. Calculating route to avoid seeing poverty. Turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for

food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away. Then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at unitedwaygt.org. They're also not typically willing or able or even know how to ask for what they want. So I don't think there have been any formal studies, but it would be a really cool thing to correlate people-pleasing with faking orgasms. Because my guess is, just from my own anecdotal experience talking and working with as many couples as I have, that people-pleasers have a really hard time being truthful about their sexual response, especially if they're a woman,

but even if they're a man, because they want the other partner to feel good and to feel like they're really effective and to feel like they did a good job. And especially if their partner really wants them to reach orgasm, which a good partner would, they often fake it. That's why I call it the mercy fake because the other person's trying really hard and you're not really even in your body or it's just not happening, which is true for lots of people some of the time. You don't really acknowledge that or say that, you just fake orgasm because you just want to keep the peace and make the other person feel good, right? And then much less saying, I really would love for you to touch me here, or I like it when you do this, or can we try that? Doing anything, asking for anything

that you imagine may offend your partner, your partner may not be comfortable with, or your partner may judge, then you're going to be less inclined to bring those things up. And you also will be less inclined to say no to things that you really don't want to do sexually, whether it's certain acts or positions or role plays, or if it's even having sex in general. So you're not really in your power sexually. It's going to translate over. I mean, if you are a people pleaser in general, it's going to affect every area of your life. And remember what I'm saying. That is not to say everyone who wants to please people is a people pleaser. That was tongue twister. Everyone who wants to please people is a people

pleaser. No, it is. Where is that intention coming from? What is the intention? Where is that effort, that act coming from? Because if you are a people pleaser, it is not coming from a full tank. It is often coming from resentment. It is often coming from ego in that you want to, this isn't even unconscious, but you want to prove to yourself that you are a good person, or you want the other person to think you're a good person, or you're even unconsciously doing a little sneaky leaky thing where you're controlling them because if they need you, they won't leave you. So if you're really wonderful and you do everything for them and you please them, then they'll stay with you, right? That's the other reason. So if you're

doing these people-pleasing efforts out of fear or shame or needing to prove something, And we all do that from time to time, right? But if that's your MO and you notice that you are tapped out energetically, which is also going to affect your sex life, obviously, but you're exhausted, you're feeling resentful, you're feeling anxious, you don't feel like you can say no, you're often not even in your body. If I were to say to you, what does a full body yes feel like in your body? You would look at me like I was crazy and have no idea.

That's step one. Figure out what a full body yes means. Think of something that you wouldn't even pause to say yes to. Maybe something that has nothing to do with taking care of anyone else. And notice fully what it feels like in your body to imagine yourself doing or being in that place or doing that thing that brings you unbelievable joy. That is what a full body yes feels like, okay? And then that has to become your compass, not only outside the bedroom and in the bedroom,

but for people-pleasing rehabilitation, right? Because then you start to use that as a compass. right? And you're about to say yes to something or you're about to do something to please someone and you can stop and be like, okay, do I have a yes in here? Because once you understand what yes is, you can understand what no is, right? Yes or no. Oh, now I know what I'm going to do. But you have to be willing to set those boundaries. Calculating route to avoid seeing poverty. Turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away.

Then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at unitedwaygt.org. So yeah, address your people-pleasing, address the codependency, not only because everything in your life, I promise you, will get better, but because your sex life will get a lot better if you do as well.

So if you want me to answer your question or address your area of interest on a language of love bite, you know, I'm always here for you, helping you learn to love and be loved better. Roll me a prescription But there's no cure for crime Calculating route to avoid seeing poverty Turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food

Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away Then take the next exit Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at unitedwaygt.org. Where some see heroes and others see egos, Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes.

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