Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - In Law Dramas? Then Listen to This One!

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

Even when we love our in laws, we all also love our space, right? But what do you do when your mother-in-law starts showing up unannounced like she’s got her own set of keys? In this Language of Love session, I dive into a challenge so many couples face: how to set healthy boundaries with in-laws. Shannon, one of my listeners, writes in to share her frustrations about her mother-in-law's frequent, unannounced visits since moving close to her husband’s hometown. While she appreciates her mother-in-law's help, it’s starting to affect her personal space and her relationship. Shannon's husband doesn't see an issue, and she’s unsure how to navigate this tricky situation without hurting anyone's feelings. We tackle: Why it’s your partner’s job to set boundaries with their family How to lovingly ask for space without causing tension The importance of being a united front in your marriage Simple steps for creating healthy boundaries that honor both relationships Why it’s okay to say no to unannounced visits and still maintain a loving connection If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by a well-meaning but over-involved family member, this episode is for you. And remember, the most important relationship in your family is between you and your partner—it’s the foundation for everything else. I also share my own experiences with grief and how it’s transformed my life, offering insights and resources from my Good Grief course, available on my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to the language of love. Here, we're going to do a session, my fave, where I get to answer

your questions, your concerns about love, relationships, sexuality, whatever is on your mind, I am here for you. I got an email from Shannon who says, my husband and I just moved back to his hometown with our two-year-old son. And we're about five minutes from his mother. I love his mom and appreciate her help, but she is literally at our house every single day. She is either dropping off toys or clothes our son doesn't need, or just hanging out while I do the dishes or I'm cleaning. I know she is so happy we're living close to her, but I hate how she shows up unannounced. She lost her husband about five years ago, and I know how lonely she is. I really don't want to hurt her, but I need to draw boundaries. I'm going crazy. My husband doesn't

seem to have a problem with it and doesn't want to rock the boat. Oh, Shannon, that's where your problem is. It's not with your mother-in-law. It's with your husband because it is not you. I mean, it can be you. We'll talk about that, but it should not be you who sets the boundary with her. And of course, you know, if she's feels that confident infringing on your privacy and just inserting herself and herself into your life, chances are that your husband was not raised with boundaries. And so he's used to this kind of treatment and he doesn't think anything's weird about it. You know, and also it's his mother. He feels more comfortable maybe with her than you do. But it is his job to set that boundary with her. And if you set it,

you can set it, but it's going to be a little more complicated. So he may need some coaching about how to set the boundary. And you guys have to be a united front. Now you moved to his hometown. You're welcoming his mother into your life. You can have him listen to this episode so that he knows you're not just making this, that it is his job to set the boundary that you need to be. If your relationship, and this is true for every single one of us, if your love relationship is really going to go the distance, you have to be each other's main priority. That means even above the kids, much less the in-laws. That doesn't mean they're not important, but if the two of you aren't strong, there is no foundation for the rest of the family. So you have to be a united

friend. And he may be okay with his mother over whenever she wants, but you as his life partner and the mother of his child and the one he loves and the one he's devoted his partnership to are not okay. You are not saying that you don't want her around or that you don't want to see her. What it sounds like you're saying is that you don't like the unannounced visits. And I agree with you. So all he has to do is say, mom, Shannon and I love being with you and love having you over all the time and dropping by, but it's kind of getting hard with dropping by unannounced. I know that may feel comfortable to you and he can't make it by the way. He can't demonize you and make this about you. He has to claim it too. So he can just say, but for us, it would really be helpful if you

would just send a text or a phone call if you want to come over. It's not that we don't want you to come over, but sometimes it's just not the right time or it's not an ideal time or we just want to be alone. Most of us have no idea how to move through loss. There's no roadmap to follow when you're trying to navigate grief. And I realized this when I lost my son three years ago. As a therapist who understood grief, a whole new level of pain opened up to me when I lost my 16-year-old son. And since then, I have been building resources that have allowed me to navigate through loss, not only in a healthy way, but in a way that has transformed me for the better. We can move through the most terrible loss with grace, and that's why I have created the course

good grief healing from loss with love you can find it on my website drlauraberman.com right there on the home page as well as free resources letting you know how to support others who are going through loss none of us has to do this alone so are you willing to just text or call before you come over and we'll let you know if it's a good time. And if it's not a good time, we'll tell you when is a good time. OK, you start there. You don't want to start like you can only come over on Tuesdays between four or six and six. I'm assuming that this is the main issue from what you're saying is that she just comes whenever she wants. Now, the fact that she brings your son gifts, OK, he doesn't need them. Who cares?

It makes her happy to give presents to him. Who cares? Accept the abundance. If you want to donate some old stuff and use the new stuff or whatever, if she wants to spend her money that way and it makes her happy to buy those things and it gives her joy, then I wouldn't worry about that. I wouldn't worry about the presents she's bringing him. It doesn't sound like she's critical of you or that her company is unpleasant. It sounds like she's a loving presence, but that you just really want to be in control of who invades your privacy and when, which is a totally reasonable request. So if your husband does not want this to happen or isn't willing to do this, let's get him on the line with me, first of all. But if we can't convince him, then you can have

the same conversation with her. And you have to tell your husband that you're having the conversation and make sure that he's going to back you up. Because what you don't want is for her to then go to your son and your son's like, I don't know what she's talking about. I think it's fine right like you have to be on the same page but if he's unwilling to set the limit he doesn't have to agree with it he doesn't have to understand it he has to love you and support you as his wife and the mother of his children and it's no skin this is not a big ask it may be a big ask because he's not used to setting boundaries with his mother but it's not a big ask in terms of what you're actually requesting you aren't telling her she can't come over you aren't

telling her she can't visit a lot, you're saying, I want to give consent when I am visited. So you can have the same basic conversation that I outlined that your husband should have with her. If he's unwilling to have it, just preface it by saying, listen, my husband or whatever his name is, and I have spoken about this. This is awkward. I know that he loves you so much and it's really hard for him to disappoint you. And he's worried this will disappoint you. I don't want it to disappoint you. We love you and we love having you around. But I am someone who really needs like to be able to know when people are coming to visit because sometimes I'm doing something else or sometimes I want some privacy. So it would mean the world to me if and then you outline the same

thing I outlined to your husband. Bottom line, remember that the two of you, you and your husband are the most important relationship. And you set the foundation for your child and every child that may come after that, for your entire family. You have to prioritize each other's needs. You have to support each other's needs. You have to be a united front,

not only in front of the kids, but in front of the in-laws as well. I hope that helps. You give me a call back if you need me to talk some sense into your husband. And I'll see you next time on The Language of Love. I went to the doctor, said I'm crazy for your love Wrote me a prescription, but there's no cure for a cry