Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - In the Mood for Love

Episode Date: September 27, 2023

We’re back for another Language of Love Session, where I speak to listeners like you and give my expert advice. In this session, I sat down with someone who's been a longtime listener and has been following my advice ever since my days on Oprah. She reached out to me for guidance, and her story is bound to hit close to home for many of us. Picture this: she escaped a five-year marriage that felt more like a chore than a fairytale. But now, she's in a sizzling new relationship, sparks are flying and things are heating up for her in all the right ways. The twist? Her partner's got a case of the “low desire and low testosterone blues” and she's grappling with feelings of rejection and neglect. Together, we explore the complexities of reigniting intimacy and desire. In this episode, you will learn about:  How stress and anxiety can negatively affect sexual desire in men The different physical, emotional, hormonal and medical factors that can create difficulty with male sexual response and sensation Why low desire does not necessarily mean they are no longer attracted to you The importance of having a “cost-benefit analysis” in a long-term relationship How men often dismiss sexual issues because it emasculates them and the steps you can take to address the problem Remember, issues of sexual desire are common in relationships and can be tackled with open communication and professional help. If you are looking for a sex therapist, you can find a clinician near you by visiting the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists website at https://aasect.org/.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Jennifer, welcome to the show. What's up? How can I help?

Well, I am coming because I have a couple of questions. My first is about five years ago, my marriage ended with infidelity. And so it was pretty tough. It was kind of a bit of a shock to me. And now I'm in a new relationship. And in my marriage, I didn't have a very active sex life. It was more of like, do it because you have to. And you know, we had young kids and all the things and I just thought, Oh, maybe I'm just not that sexual. Or maybe I just don't really enjoy it. And I watched you for years on Oprah and I would try and follow a schedule sex and, you know, try all these things. And it just felt like there's something maybe that was with me.

And now that I'm in a new relationship, I realized, no, it was actually my marriage that was the problem with my sex life. And now I'm in this new relationship and I am like, it's hard because women always talk about their husband wants to have sex all the time and you know they never want to and they're always like you know oh it's so annoying I can't get changed in front of my husband and with my new partner it's the opposite he doesn't want to and I want to and I feel like I had all these years in this marriage of like never wanting to and having like bad sex and it's not a slight to my ex-husband it's that we weren't connected we weren't having good sex so it was just like a

oh it's Tuesday you know let's it's been a week and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it because the majority of women are complaining that their husbands always want to have sex and mine doesn't and now I feel like I have given up in a sense because I'm scared to make a move anymore because I've been turned down so many times and then I've made this story in my head that it's something about me you know there's something maybe about the sex that isn't great for him maybe, or it's my looks or all of this stuff. So I just, yeah. So let me ask you, all right. So first of all, let me say that I'm so glad you're asking this question because you're absolutely right. One, at least one in five men have low desire or lack

of interest in sex. And it's probably significantly more than that, but there's this pressure on like the, you know, it's still, even though we're in the world today and we shouldn't be thinking this way, there's still this pressure, you know, guys, you're supposed to always want it. It's the woman who has the headache. So I'm really glad that you're bringing this up because you're certainly not alone in this. Even though it is more common for women to have a lack of interest, it definitely happens quite often in reverse, especially with guys under the age of 45 who were raised to be at all in touch with their emotions, you know, then things affect them more for good and for bad, Right. So let me ask you this. Have you talked to him about it? What does he say?

Does he acknowledge that there's an issue and does he have any explanation for it? No, it's like he just puts it off like, oh, well, the kids are home. I'm tired. Or no, we do do it lots. You're just making it a bigger issue. He just doesn't acknowledge it. All right. And how long have you been together? Four years. And how was it in the beginning? Was it good? I mean was it ever a good frequency and when did it start to drop off if it was it was um in the beginning it was it's hard to say because we were both juggling like single parenting on our own and stuff so when we would see each other like i just watched you talking about like how we did used to schedule it in a sense when you're dating because you know you only have tuesday to meet up so

that's when kind of having it for whatever and when we moved in i mean there was like we do have children around and stuff so it is something that we're aware of and cautious about and so I don't feel like there was ever like a big drop it's just seemed like I just feel like I desire it more than he does and I just feel like there's some times when I can just tell when he doesn't want to like I don't know if that sounds silly it's just like my intuition I'm like oh yeah I can tell there's no like he's put this energy into the bed where it's like no I'm going to sleep like I'm done sort of thing so and you know and then now kind of the narrative has changed too he's like well you don't try anymore and I'm like because I'm scared to try and rejected yeah

yeah so how old is he 40 and how stressed is he hmm I'd say like higher stress level for sure yeah he has a high stress job and having a blended family has its own stressors as well but yeah yeah listen regardless of your sexual orientation or your gender or your relationship status every single one of us has struggled at one point or another with a lackluster or disconnected sex life or difficulty finding the partner that we most desire so i have designed an amazing program for you seven days to better sex each day you're going to get a video and an information packet all designed to help you jumpstart your love life. Just go to www.drlauraberman.com. So in this kind of situation, there's a couple of ways to go about it. First of all, I'm just

asking because if he's usually over 50, a lot of guys will start to have declining our testosterone, the hormone of desire. Women's, we start seeing the effects of lowering testosterone levels with age earlier than 50, but men typically start to see it around age 50, the effects of low testosterone, unless they're taking a medication or have a medical condition that's affecting, you know, their testosterone. So I'm just talking now about the reasons why men have low desire and we'll see where he may fit in. Okay. So it doesn't sound unless he has a medical condition or medications that he's taking that's affecting his desire, you know, like antidepressants, for instance, will affect desire or that kind of thing, then that will typically inhibit a guy's

desire. Their sexual desire also gets affected by stress, but not as widely as for women. If we're seriously stressed about just about anything, we start to lose desire. And there's neurochemical reasons for that and emotional reasons for that. What the research shows and what I have found as well, is that the primary stress that seems to affect men's sexual desire is work-related stress. Because the way they're conditioned, whether we like it or not, is they are what they do. That's a huge sense of their sense of masculinity and virility and power. And so when it's not going well or they're scared about it, that will often shut down their sense of like masculine virility, power, energy, you know, and we will see low desire in those situations.

The other common reason is difficulty sexually responding. And this can be a little sneaky and insidious because what I will see is that if he, for whatever reason, could be medications, could be stress, could be a bad day, could be anything, he loses his ability to achieve or maintain an erection, he reaches orgasm too quickly or has difficulty reaching orgasm, then he starts to get nervous. And then he starts to avoid sex because there's performance anxiety. And so, you know, a woman could not be functioning perfectly and still carry out the act and kind of hide it, you know, if she wants to. I don't recommend it, but she could, right? A guy needs an erect penis. And whether we like it or not, I think this is an issue. But the way our

culture is designed and the way we learn about sex and the way we practice sex is that the man's ejaculation is the punctuation mark, right? So if he doesn't get there, then it's a fail, which is kind of silly. Or if he gets there too soon, it's a fail. So that's another reason that we see guys with low desire. And then, of course, there can be emotional issues, depression and medication. And then after all that, unless you've gained 85 pounds since you got together or you're fighting all the time and are being horrible to him, it's rare that it's that I'm not attracted to you piece, unless there's been a drastic change in appearance or behavior. So do any of those fit as I spell them out to you?

Yes. The not ejaculating too fast, but having troubles reaching orgasm. Yeah. And has that always been the case? Always been the case. Yeah. Yeah. And does he have a lot of sexual experience to your knowledge? Yes. Okay. Yeah. And is he on any medications that you know of that affect blood flow or sensation or anything?

Cholesterol medications, diabetes medications, antidepressants, heart medications, nothing like that. Okay. No, not on any medication. Okay. And when he used to, when you were having sex more regularly and he had delayed ejaculation, could he eventually get there? Yeah, he can, but he needs to do it himself yeah and so we've had lots of like conversations about it because I've been trying to be open about it and talk to him like you know it's okay like I'm there's no judgment here this is like safe place because I mean I think there's been other partners in the past that have made comments about it sort of thing I'm not used to it right it's different but it's just you know and he just says that's the way it's always been so and just leaves it at that

Like does he do? I'm just going to get explicit here. Does he do like when he does finish himself off, he can do it with you there, first of all? Yes. Yes. Yes. And does he do anything like really strange with his hands, like inside out, upside down that a vagina wouldn't be able to replicate? Nope. Okay. No. And do you pee when you cough or sneeze? No, I don't. Okay. Okay.

I know that seemed like a non-sequitur and a random question, but it is related to your pelvic floor strength. And so the reason that guys typically have delayed ejaculation is medication-related or hormonal related, or they learned, this is a really common one, they learned to self-stimulate to porn, for instance, and they had long periods where they were doing that. And so they created a kind of mind-body connection where only their specific kind of tugging, for lack of a better term, will do the job. Or they feel like there isn't enough friction in the vagina when they're having intercourse. And sometimes that happens because after multiple childbirths, your pelvic

floor pushing a baby, I don't know if you had vaginal deliveries, but even without a vaginal delivery, certainly with one, it's like pushing a bowling ball through your pelvic floor. And so those muscles can become stretched. And so that's why I asked if you pee when you sneeze or cough, because that's an indication that your Kegels may be in your pelvic floor strength isn't where it could be. And he could get some more friction going during intercourse. And in general, squeezing those muscles during penetration may create more friction. But it sounds to me like we don't really know why he has this delay. And also, by the way, it can be anxiety. It happened once and now you have this performance. Anxiety makes you anxious and then it just takes longer,

right? So we don't really know and we can't really know unless I talk to him about what's causing. But my guess is, and I say this about women too with low desire, and it's true for men also, in a long-term relationship, after that initial rush is over, the cost-benefit analysis has to work in favor of having sex. In other words, if I'm tired and I'm stressed and it's going to take a long time because I can't get there. And I feel kind of stupid because I have to finish myself off. And that always makes me feel bad about myself. And it's going to take a long time. What's the, like, I'd rather just go to sleep, right? Like that's sort of what starts to happen. And I'm not even saying it's fully conscious, but in a case like yours, there's a

couple of things I'll recommend to you that may help. And I'll do that in a second. But the preamble to that is to say that you guys really will benefit from some sex therapy. And I'll tell you why, because it sounds like overall your relationship is good. You're really attracted to him. You feel connected to him, but this piece is missing for you. And it also sounds like there are some issues going on that he may not even fully understand, much less feel comfortable articulating to you and the two of you figuring out how to navigate them, especially. And the only reason I think that is because he's doing that thing that many people do, the one with the lower desire. No, it's not really, you know, just not intentionally gaslighting, you know,

not in a mean way. It's kind of gaslighting you. He's gaslighting himself too. He's like, no, no, no, it's not really an issue because it's scary to think there's an issue. And it's also kind of for many men demasculinizing, you know, like it's embarrassing for them, right? But if you can get him, and we'll talk in a second about how to do this, to get him to agree to talk to someone, if your relationship is in relatively good shape, it won't take long. I mean, I'm talking maybe five to 10 sessions max with a good sex therapist who can troubleshoot with the two of you, figure out what's going on.

Is this a medical issue? Is this a logistical issue? Is this an emotional issue? Is this a relationship issue, right? those are the cat or is it some combination of those? And so I'm happy to have a follow-on session if he's willing to come on with you and talk through this, or you can find a sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. So that is A-A-S-E-C-T.org, ASECT.org with two A's. And we will put that in the show notes for everyone.

So if someone's looking for a sex therapist, you can find a clinician near you through that organization. But what I would say in the short term is that this is a conversation. And when he tries to kind of gaslight or whatever and say, no, no, no, I don't think there's really an issue, you can say, well, I am feeling an issue. I miss feeling desired. I miss that flirtatious sexual energy. And I am willing to do whatever it takes on my end. If there's something that I could be doing more of or less of, if there's something that I could change to support a deeper sexual connection, please be honest with me. I want to know. And if you don't think it's anything, that's fine. But I do notice that it's not happening as much as I would like it to. And I am noticing that I am pulling back from initiating because I don't want to be rejected. And so if he's not willing right away to go to sex therapy and he's like, no, no, no, we don't need that. Then you say to him, OK, so can we try an experiment where we really commit to scheduling

it on at least a weekly basis. And then both of us know it's coming and we can be flirty with each other and we can know we can count on that. And I want you to know that if even during the act there's something coming up for you or something you want me to do differently, it's really important to me that you're honest with me because I want you to experience the pleasure you deserve just like I want that pleasure. But most of all, this is what makes me feel really close and connected to you. And I'm not willing to go the rest of my life. We're still young. We have our whole lives together. This is such a fundamental part of a loving relationship. And I'm so attracted to you and I love you so much. I'm not willing to go the rest of our lives with this kind

of funky disconnect in our sex lives. So if he's willing to try the scheduling thing, which I assume he will be, even if he scoffs a little bit at it, you just say, well, let's just try it for two months and then schedule it out and see how it goes. Does he follow through? And you may need to do a little bit of the pushing in the beginning, right? And if he then blows it off or says, no, I can't really, I'm too tired, even though we said we'd do it today, or he's not really showing up for that, or if things don't substantively improve with that, then after a couple of months, you can say, look, we tried this. It's not working. I found this therapist. Do a little homework yourself. Talk to a few of them. Think about who he would respond well to.

Would it be a man or a woman or someone in between? Would it be someone older? You can even have that conversation with the therapist first and get a sense of who they are. And then you say, I found someone who I think you'd really like. I spoke to them briefly about what the situation is. They're really willing to work with us. Can you just come for me? I know you don't really want to come, but will you come for me? Because this is important to me. And often that's how you get your partner into therapy when you get them to come for you. And they're like, I don't have a problem. This is for her. But then once they're there, then the therapist can engage them and get them engaged in treatment once they're sitting in the chair. Okay. Does that give you

a roadmap to follow? It does. Yes. Thank you. You're welcome. Keep us posted. And like I said, if he does want to come on the two of you together, I'd be surprised if he did since he's cringy about it already with you alone. But if he's willing, I'm happy to help. But either way, I think you guys would benefit from a little bit of sex therapy. And it's just like somebody getting the two of you talking, working through the logistics and troubleshooting what's really going on that i can only do so much of when i can't ask him the specific questions right yes makes sense makes sense thank you okay keep us posted on how it goes all right we're cheering thank you

I went to the doctor said I'm crazy for your love wrote me a prescription but there's no cure for