Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Is it Intuition or Anxiety? Here’s How to Tell with Laura Berman

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

You know that feeling when something inside you says, Don’t do this. Get out. Something’s wrong. Sometimes that feeling is your intuition picking up on something before your conscious mind has caught up. But sometimes it’s anxiety. An old wound gets activated, your nervous system goes on high alert, and suddenly everything in you is saying danger even when you’re not actually in danger. So how do you tell the difference? A listener named Angel wrote in with this question, and it’s such an important one because once you’ve been hurt, especially in relationships, trusting your gut can get complicated. Maybe there have been times when your instincts were absolutely right. And there may have been other times when fear convinced you something terrible was happening when it wasn’t. In this Language of Love Session, I talk about how I distinguish intuition from anxiety and, more importantly, what to do when you genuinely can’t tell which one you’re feeling. One of the biggest clues is how the message arrives. Anxiety tends to be loud, repetitive and urgent. It wants an answer right now. Intuition is usually quieter and clearer. But when your nervous system is activated, even intuition can get tangled up with fear, which is why I don’t recommend making an important decision from that state. I walk you through a few simple somatic practices to settle the fear enough that you can listen to what’s underneath it. I also show you how to begin learning your body’s own language of expansion and contraction, including a surprisingly easy exercise you can practice with something as simple as foods you love and foods you hate. In this episode, I talk about: How intuition tends to feel different in the body than anxiety Why urgency is often a clue that fear has entered the picture What to do when a gut feeling comes with a lot of anxiety Three ways to regulate your nervous system before making a decision How to “try on” a choice and notice your body’s response What expansion and contraction can tell you A simple exercise for learning what a yes and a no feel like in your own body Why learning to trust yourself is a practice, especially if fear has been running the show for a long time If you’ve ever thought, I know something feels wrong, but I don’t know if I should trust that feeling, this episode will give you a way to slow things down and get clearer about what your body is actually telling you. If you'd like to ask a question or get some advice, email me at [e-mail] or leave a voicemail at drlauraberman.com to have your own question answered in a future session. And if you want to go even deeper into somatic work and regulating your nervous system, check out my book, Crying Out Loud, where I dive into even more techniques to help you come back to your body and trust yourself again. Because you deserve to trust the voice inside you, but first, you have to learn which one is actually yours. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Okay, Language of Love sessions, where I get to answer your questions, calls, whatever's on your

mind about life, love, relationships, dating, mating. I love hearing from you. You can always reach out to me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com or go to drlauraberman.com and you can leave me a voicemail or even make arrangements to come on the show live. We have an email here from Sarah. Let's see. She says, Hey, Dr. Laura, my partner is not a bad person, but I feel like I'm the only one doing the emotional work in our relationship. I'm the one who brings up the hard conversations, suggests therapy notices when we're disconnected and tries to repair conflict when it happens they usually say they love me they want things to work but their actions don't really change how long do you keep trying when someone says they care but doesn't seem to be willing to grow

you know what i find sarah is that first of all it's not okay right obviously there's often one of you who's a little bit more attuned to growth, tone, connection, whatever, that's very, very common. But if you are struggling, you need to have a partner who is willing to get support, who is willing to really, you know, put their money where their mouth is and take action. So if you are complaining about things or worrying about things or feeling disconnected or noticing dysfunctional patterns in the relationship, and you're going to your partner and saying, hey, I think we need some support for this. And your partner is unwilling to get that support. That is your information right there about how willing to grow they are. You know, when people

ask me, what do I need to make sure this relationship can go the distance? Obviously, you have to have attraction. You have to have, you know, a shared vision of the future. You have to have things in common. You have to enjoy each other's company, but you also have to be with someone. You want to make sure that person is open-minded and open to growth, right? So are they curious? Are they open to learning more about themselves? Are they open to feedback? And do they take action? Because words are easy. People say the right thing all the time. That doesn't mean they do the right thing. OK, so a lot of us get caught up in this. We fall for what someone says they want, what someone says they feel, but their actions don't necessarily line up with their words

and promises. And that's what it feels like is happening here. Right. So you ask, Sarah, how long do you keep trying when someone says they care but doesn't seem to be willing to grow? So what you are saying is your partner says they care, they say they want the same things you do, but they are unwilling to follow through with action, okay? Now, what is going to eventually happen, and it's up to you when this happens, right, is that you can decide, okay, I'm done, right? Either we get into some serious therapy and I see that action taking place and sustaining itself, or I'm out of here, right? You may or may not be willing to do that at this point,

but my guess is that's what it's going to take. If that doesn't happen, then here's what will happen. Eventually, and who's to say how long that's going to take, it has to do with how much discomfort, disconnection, and disregard you can take, right? But eventually, the pain of being in this situation, not having you or your relationship or your needs honored and met, the pain of being in that will eventually get greater than your fears around leaving the relationship. Because that's the only reason you're staying in a relationship that isn't working for you. You have a story that it's too late, that you've already invested so much time in this person, that your biological clock is ticking

and there's not enough time that you put all this work in and now the next person is going to get the benefits of all your work, that you're going to be alone forever. I mean, fill in the blank with whatever your fear is. There are plenty to go around or fears are, but eventually the pain of being in the situation

will feel greater than those fears and that will be the tipping point and then you'll leave, I hope. But the most important thing is that you deserve to be with a partner who will meet you, whose actions will match their words, okay? So many of us fall for the words and the actions never match up. We love hearing everything that partner wants to do with us and everything they're committed

to and all the ways they love us, but they don't put that into action. That is not okay. And that is not a healthy relationship. So I hope that gives you a starting place and you let us know how it goes, okay? You reach out too. Do you want a little session with me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com? I'll see you next time.