Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Is One Love Enough for a Lifetime?

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

Why, in a world full of endless choices, do so many of us search for that one person to share a life with? Is it loyalty, comfort, a desire for deep connection—or maybe the thrill of choosing one person out of billions, saying, “You’re my person,” and truly meaning it? But here’s the real question: can one person meet all your needs? Or maybe you've wondered why monogamy can feel so challenging at times, even when it’s deeply fulfilling? In this episode of The Language of Love Bite, we’re diving into the heart of monogamy—the highs, the lows, and everything in between. We explore why this relationship style resonates so strongly with some and feels complex for others. How do you keep that connection alive after years together? What happens when jealousy creeps in or your needs shift over time? I share practical tips on rekindling passion, communicating openly without fear, and tuning in to your true desires. If you’ve ever questioned whether monogamy is your path, or you’re just looking for ways to strengthen your relationship, join me for an open and eye-opening journey into love, loyalty, and keeping that spark alive. And while you’re here, don’t forget to check out my free Quantum Sex course on my website—it’s packed with insights to deepen your connection! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. how do you know that you really want a monogamous relationship this is a question that used to not

even be asked of ourselves it was just assumed that if you were going to be in a love relationship a long-term one it was going to be monogamous now because so many of us have been raised in families with divorce and infidelity we're questioning it because we've seen that it doesn't always work but also the landscape has opened up so beautifully where we can think outside the box and we're considering all kinds of relationships, open relationships, polyamorous relationships, triads, quadrads, all kinds of formations. So in this episode, we're going to be getting into my thoughts on what kinds of questions you should be asking yourself or things you should be considering to determine if monogamy is really for you. So number one is really about assessing

your emotional needs? Are you someone who really values deep one-on-one connection? Because that's what monogamy emphasizes, that emotional and physical both exclusivity. So if you're someone who really finds deep fulfillment in that, that really feels connection and aliveness and going deeper into one relationship with one person, investing your energy in one person, then that's probably an indicator that monogamy suits you. Another question related to that is, do you feel more secure in knowing that your partner is exclusive with you? For many of us, myself included, knowing that my partner is completely committed to me and only me creates a sense of safety that allows me to fully relax into authentic and deep, vulnerable connection with

him. But that's me, right? There are many people out there who don't necessarily require that. I think a large majority of us require that or need that to feel fully safe. But there are many of us more than ever who really don't need. They not only don't need to go deep with one person, but they can feel total fulfillment and excitement and chemistry and satisfaction in not needing their partner to be exclusive with them. It's not required for them to feel that sense of safety. It may be that what's required is a complete and utter honesty, which is required for sure if you're going to have multiple partners, right? You have to be really good at being honest and direct with each other. So that's that piece of the puzzle.

The next piece of the puzzle of whether or not monogamy is for you or not is exploring your views on commitment. So monogamous relationships are typically long-term committed, that bond where you're each other's priority, where you're sharing a life. So we're not just talking about romantic and sexual commitment. We're talking about life commitment, right? So is it really important for you to feel like you have a partner in crime, one person who you're really building a life with and who is building a life with you? Or is it not so important? And is this something that you are totally comfortable with sharing with multiple people and having and or having your partner share with multiple people? It's also, and this would be the third piece of the

puzzle, really important to examine your beliefs and your values. What are your cultural and spiritual beliefs around monogamy. Do they align with monogamy or is monogamy irrelevant to your spiritual and cultural beliefs? Because for many people, well, really for all of us, our values are shaped by our community, our culture, our religion, our spiritual beliefs, but those can evolve and change over our lifetimes. For many or most of us, those beliefs maybe that we were raised with are not necessarily the same ones we subscribe to in adulthood. So do your values support monogamy or does it not really matter? Can you be in a non-monogamous relationship and still feel in alignment with your personal, cultural, spiritual, religious, however that goes for you, beliefs?

The same thing for exclusivity. How does exclusivity feel for you? Is it something that you really value and cherish, in which case monogamy would be important and fulfilling for you. But for others, it feels restrictive exclusivity. They want to be able to explore a variety of relationship dynamics in order to feel fulfilled. Now, here is a big one. The fourth point I want to bring up is the issue of jealousy and trust. How do you handle jealousy? In a monogamous relationship boundaries and exclusivity are very clear. That doesn't mean jealousy doesn't rear its head from time to time. But if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of your partner being romantically or sexually involved with another person, then you probably are better suited for

monogamy. If you don't tend to feel jealous or insecure in that way, then that might be a clue that you could consider and might want to consider a wider, open relationship of some sort. The other piece of this is, do you trust easily? Are you comfortable trusting one person fully? Okay? Because monogamy does require a high level of trust between partners. So if you thrive in environments where mutual trust is really fostered through exclusivity, monogamy will work well for you. If that's not required, then monogamy is not necessarily what you may want to choose. You could choose it, but you don't have to. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman.

I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is, how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the quantum sex free course.

Check it out and let me know what you think. Another thing to consider, and this would be the fifth point here, is to reflect on your desire for novelty and variety. Now, this is kind of a tricky one because this is really, to me, one of the biggest hurdles of a monogamous relationship is you're with the same person. Obviously, there's only a certain degree of novelty that you'll be able to create. And even if I give you 365 new tips, tools, toys, role plays to try in a year or a year and a half, you'd be back asking for more if you were looking for novelty. So if you are someone who thrives on novelty, who needs novelty, then monogamy is going to be hard for you in long-term monogamous

relationships. Now, this is interesting to me as a therapist because one of the biggest pieces of my work that I find most exciting and where I put a lot of my attention is this idea of what we're really looking for when we're looking for novelty. And this is where I want you to look at my videos and listen to my episodes on quantum love and quantum sex. Because what I have found is that often what we think we're looking for is novelty, but what we're really looking for, what's underneath the novelty. Why do we want something new? What we're really looking for is intensity of experience, aliveness, excitement, fulfillment, that intensity that comes when you're trying something brand new and out of your comfort zone. Well, the same novelty and excitement,

it's not new, but the same intensity, let's say, can be created by not necessarily trying a new partner or experimenting with a different sexual position or fantasy that can certainly do it, but you can actually create that same intensity even more so within a monogamous relationship by going deeper into the sexual relationship, by bringing in Tantra and Kundalini and Taoism and all of these beautiful ancient techniques that teach you to move energy through and around and between you and to take your relationship and your sexual chemistry and your sexual experience to new heights. So I just am putting that in there as a footnote, not to pressure you toward monogamy, but to say that a lot of people mistake this issue. They think that I can't do monogamy

because I need novelty. No, what you need is intensity. And there are many ways to get intensity. But do you feel like you're capable of satisfaction with one partner long term? That to me is the biggest question that holds people back. And you won't really know until you try? And as you try, you have to be willing to try everything in the most authentic and communicative way that you can. And this brings me to the sixth question or area to explore when you're considering whether or not you want a monogamous relationship. And that is how good are you at communication, right? Like, do you have aligned values with your partner or potential monogamous partner? Are you able to have honest conversations with them, not only about your

views of monogamy, but how you're feeling, what you're needing, what your sexual needs are, what your emotional needs are, how those things are changing throughout the relationship. Because for a long-term relationship of any sort to work, whether it's monogamous or not, you have to be able to be authentic and vulnerable, and in particular, be able to communicate your needs in a healthy and supportive way, and to be able to be communicated with in a healthy and supportive way. So if monogamy feels uncertain to you or you're curious about other possibilities like ethical non-monogamy, which is basically non-monogamy where you're being really honest and upfront and open about all of it, or polyamory where you have multiple partners at the same time,

maybe all together with each other, or open relationships where each of you can be with other people. Maybe you talk about it. Maybe you agree you won't talk about it. You have to get clear on the rules. You want to be able to just explore these ideas without pressure. And many people find clarity by learning more about alternative relationship models and considering what might be right for them. So none of this is to say that monogamy is the only way to go by any means. It does require commitment, communication, work, and willingness to go deep. And that to me is one of the most beautiful parts of a long-term monogamous relationship, because you're creating a life together. Not that you can't do that in a other open or

polyamorous relationship, but there's a level of trust and communication there that you can create and open and other polyamorous or multiple partner relationships. But you have to be someone who really is in control of your jealousy, who really feels a tremendous amount of self-confidence, who is able to be unbelievably honest and direct and clear in their communication. And I, as a therapist of 30 years working with thousands of individuals and couples, find very few people, myself included, who meet those requirements. That doesn't mean that you don't, but this is something really important to consider. So I hope that this has given you some guidelines on what to think about as you're considering whether or not monogamy is for you.

I'm always here helping you learn to love and be loved better. Let me know if you want to hear about anything else about love, sex, and relationships. I went to the doctor Said I'm crazy for your love