Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Is Stress Taking a Toll on Your Relationship?

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

Ever felt like stress could be the invisible third wheel in your relationship? It's not just you. Stress has this uncanny ability to seep into our lives like an uninvited guest at a party—especially when it comes to relationships. In this Language of Love Session, we catch up with Marla and Ken. Since our last chat they have been on quite a journey together through some major stresses, and they are learning to accept each others bids for connection which resulted in discovering a new hobby! It has not only led to “sprouting” some beautiful blooms, but also deepened their connection. Marla opens up about her experiences with hormone therapy and the hurdles she's faced during intimate moments. But here's the kicker: with a bit of guidance on from me and a positive mindset, they're tackling these challenges head-on. It's clear these two are committed to not just surviving but thriving in their relationship journey. For those who might have missed our previous episodes, I highly recommend going back and checking them out to get the full context of Marla and Ken's journey. It's been an enlightening experience, not just for them but for all of us listening in. So many of you tell me you’ve been learning along with them.  So, let's delve into how things have been progressing since our last conversation including:  How to recognize stress triggers in relationships The overall impact of stress on relationships Role kf hormone therapy in relationships and intimacy Exploration of self-stimulation and overcoming resistance Importance of approaching challenges with an open mind and curiosity Don't forget to explore my complimentary course on Quantum Sex! Discover how to elevate your sexual response to new heights. Visit my website for more details. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Marla and Ken, my peeps. What's happening? Give me the updates.

go ahead jenny i'll start i'll tell you i think this last month or last couple weeks for sure i think they've been terrific we've done so many cool things together and really i don't say bonded i mean you know we're bonded as in forever but a lot of energy a lot of excitement came back into focus uh you know certainly for me amala can uh you know speak for herself obviously but i just felt very energized i mean i was like a new person so i don't know where i was the last year or two or last couple of months or so but i just found that i came back over the last three weeks or so just with a lot of energy a lot of interest i am no longer present someplace else but I am present where I am.

And I just felt the last few weeks were amazing. Well, that's great news. Now, just one thing you said that I want to highlight because I think this is important. Of course, you're bonded for life and you're committed and your bond is there and all of that is true. But obviously we can all go through periods of time, sometimes long periods of time

where we feel disconnected and disengaged either inside ourselves or from each other. So that's two separate things. But what do you attribute this newfound engagement in the world to? For myself, I think it'd be differently. It's like, what do I attribute to this void that invaded me over the last couple of months? Because, you know, but for that void, you know, I've always been present. I've always been engaged. I've always been energized. but it disappeared for a while yeah and you know that that was the mystery that's why you know molly reached out to you and that's why we've been chatting more than a few months i mean how long would you say it was october six or seven i think of the year and that was also right

around the time that you moved into this new house right and i don't know how soon after you retired yeah then there's 21 i retired so it's been a couple of years but we were traveling we were having a great time so i don't think the retirement thing was was behind it i you know i'm not sure i mean i guess it's more than coincidental that that all happened with moving in the house and all the issues we had with the house but i tend not to question things too much and rip them apart because sometimes it just doesn't matter like as long as you get back on the right track you know over 38 years having a couple of bumps in the road kind of makes some sense it's normal and it's probably good so i don't worry too much about what causes i'm gonna

make you and i think marlo also sorry sorry not sorry you can try but i will not let you blow it off and like oh and like wrap it up in a whole kind of self-aware package of like, listen, why does it matter? The truth is, they're always welcome. Therapy, therapy, therapy. Dr. Laura Berman, it's too smart for you, son. No, listen, in a way you were right.

Of course, every bumps in the road, things happen. In the end, what matters is that you're back to center. But you remember what I've told you before, that a relationship is like a car on a long farm country road. And what happens is that we accidentally, unintentionally take our hands off the wheel,

unaware that we are doing so, and things veer off course. Or sometimes it starts to veer off course and we just aren't fully on the wheel, right? Something external comes in and veers, that starts to veer things off the course. And then the next thing you know, you're in the cornfields and a relationship is literally, this aspect of it is literally a lifetime together of noticing when you're veering off course, knowing how to get back on course. And part of that is knowing what may make you veer off the road into the cornfields a little bit. It doesn't mean that we have to take a deep dive into your deepest wounds. Although, God bless you. If you're willing to let me, I will go there.

So you'd be happy to do that. I'd be very happy to excavate your wounds. But Marla would be very happy for me to excavate. Marla would be thrilled. Yes. But for the purposes of finding a happy medium, what I would say that there is, I would argue that there is value and at least, you know, you may not be right, but like digging in a little bit, getting curious about like, okay, we had a six months period where I was not myself. What is that about? Now, it doesn't say anything about you as a human being.

It doesn't mean anything about your character or the quality of your relationship together, But it's a really important piece of information of how to, you know, that will inform how to avoid veering off course in this way. Not that you won't veer off in another way, but in this way in the future. Right. So what do you think it was, Marla? Because I know you have analyzed this and thought about it. Tell me. No, I don't want to leave you goofball.

You know what? I thought about it so much that it had me like way out in the cornfields. It's interesting. I think I wish I knew. I think part of it was moving into the house, people not doing what was expected of them. Kenny is a very detail oriented, task oriented guy. And I think that the way that he was getting impatient, all justified in the way that he acted out was just shutting me down. yeah not that he wasn't justified in his response it's just we have different styles and it was triggering your trauma response very much so and i know who kenny is inside i didn't know that like i didn't i haven't seen that you know we never worked together and i was never at work with him i mean i know he can have like a short piece when things or people are incompetent i get

all that but i also think that we had so much fun on the road and then we got home and we were just like managers of this compound yeah and it became so mundane and so it was constantly and to kenny's credit he was keeping it all on track but i wanted to just stop talking about it at a certain point every day but it just you know kenny's not wired it took over your life did and in the end it's done now right yeah yeah i think what marl's saying is is this good point and i guess and marl's probably better equipped to answer this than i am i guess it i just got extremely irritable and i don't know i mean i guess we all have that in us right well that's something that's going to piss us off but this had such a long tail to it it just wouldn't friggin go away

and i think it started impacting my sleep i was tired i was frustrated i was annoyed i was pissed off and i couldn't do anything about it yeah except except spend more time on which may be more irritable so when you're yeah when you need when you're deep in something sometimes you just can't see how you're reacting to something and and mom would always try to say you know what it'll all work out before you got it all out and that's good to hear and you know that's what i needed to hear but didn't really have any lasting effect because you know what The next day would come and it would start all over again. So I think that, like I said a few minutes ago, I think it's more than coincidental that this void, to a large degree, happened around the time we bought the house and seemingly has come to an end with us finishing the project.

So I could point to that. I'll think through and take a deeper dive and try to come up with something more meaningful for you. I could make a lot of meaning, which I'm not going to about your, I mean, we could go off on a tangent about the value of all of us learning to be with that, which is really uncomfortable and out of our control. Lord knows we all need help in that department. But tell me about instead, because I think what I'm really curious about in this moment is how things have changed since this shift happened more recently. I believe I don't remember the details of the homework I gave you last time maybe you can

remind us I do I do was getting back to initiating touching time non-sexual touch time and putting in the phone the 30-second pilot which we've been very Ken's been very good at good yeah and if I could please what what i've taken a hybrid approach a hybrid approach to tell i put it in my phone as instructed okay but the good news is i haven't relied on the reminders ah so you put them in there but you haven't really needed them well it's good that it's there Right. I can't say that I don't mind the reminders. Yeah. But I'm happy that for the most part, it's coming from a much more loving, sincere and deeply connected, you know, perspective, lack of a better word, than the phone going, oh, it's on. You know, and I don't discount the need for that. And God knows I needed that more, but I'm happy that I don't need it now to do it.

I'm doing something that I want to do and comes very naturally now that the fog has lifted. Now that the distractions are gone. And I, you know, just for you guys listening, if you haven't listened to the most recent last episode, Marla and Ken and I did together, what we're referring to is this idea of like different ways that we were building in for you guys to stay emotionally and sensually and physically connected in ways that landed. And this idea of the 30-second hug and how it was really, you know, kept being talked about this idea of hugging and kissing and connecting over the day,

but because of all the distractions and the stress and everything else, it doesn't happen. And this is universal, I find, in couples at different points or sometimes consistently in their relationship. So the idea is you put reminders in your phone because if it doesn't come naturally to you and by naturally, I don't mean that the impulse, of course, I love my wife and I enjoy hugging her for 30 seconds, but the natural inclination doesn't occur to me because I'm distracted because I'm distracted, not because I don't want to, or I don't have the desire to, I'm just not thinking about it. Right? So that's what the reminders are for. I will say that sometimes there are couples where they are so distant, they're not opposed to hugging,

but they don't necessarily want to. They're not feeling it necessarily. And in those cases, that was not the case with you guys. But in those cases, the reminder is still good if you're willing to commit to it because the benefits of the physical affection starts to bring closer together. And then it takes on a life of its own that's positive. And then you want to along not that a 30 second hug a couple times a day is going to solve all your relationship woes but that becomes one of the tools in your toolkit what about the initiating have you guys been because i remember we talked about kind of taking turns and i'm on the last the last call you said you're gonna you you asked ken to be the initiator for this oh right because he had been delinquent

Right. So I was really good for like the first four days. And then I knew he was going, he took a trip to Denver to see our girls. And I made a very mature decision to stay behind because I really wanted him to have quality time with our girls and just him. And so it was like two days before he left. And I, I probably didn't say it very nicely. I was like, you know, I really don't like that I'm bringing this up but I can't help myself you know you're going away he's like I know I know it's on my radar

got it so we did it well you know he gave me a nice massage and then I can't remember then he went away I don't know we've been doing a lot of like we got into this yard work situation outside

which has been very fun like on Father's Day we just went out and started attacking you know like there's so much to do you know it's like an old house and there's all kinds of things to clear and it was really nice it was really like sexy to see him with a lopper and the thing I mean it didn't go the whole way to the ground floor but it's a start right yeah yeah you were so you were finding him really attractive yeah and his virile macho man yard work mode yes

I gotta tell you it was we both found the whole thing hysterical and I think the first time it happened

and I think this is kind of important but I want to go back to one thing that Marlo said but I kind of lost my contextual point of view

but Marlo's just been super patient during the whole thing and I guess you don't realize you know the quicksand

that you're in until you're no longer in it and then you kind of look back at it and just you know that you know and i thought i guess we all have something that you know gets inside us that we just can't shake but i can't remember if ever the last time that that's happened and lasted for so long and i think that you know looking back on it the only difference between the amount of attention and time i'm spending you know with maul or on maul

it now compared to the last six months or so you know it's it's like Spike Lee say it's got said it's got to be the shoes right it's got it's got to be the ass I don't know what else I really don't so it's that simple and that screwed up yeah well no it doesn't matter what it was I mean it's good to know what it really was is how you at this moment in your life not that you didn't have a job before where you were dealing with all kinds of stress but it's different when it's your nest and you feel responsible for it and everything else, but that there is some sort of pressure and stress on you that led you to kind of respond this way, right? So that's just helpful to know because if and when, and it may never happen again, but if it

starts to happen again, then it's about, all right, how are we modulating the stress in our lives? How are we learning to manage and work with the stress in our lives? You guys never really had a chance before this got better thank goodness to dive into the somatic work but like that's an example of something that probably really would have helped because you would have instead of having to tamp down and kind of shut down in order to deal with this bullcrap you would have been able to you know beat the shit out of something not someone and and get rage out yeah i'm sorry and if i could jump in and you know what i think it is to be honest with you i think at the root things it's really pretty simple as i think through and i have you know have you in my

ear about oh we're gonna get to the bottom of this you know i think i can get to the bottom and i think part of it's being a guy and part of it is just things continually you know going askew when they just shouldn't be and you've got zero friggin reports yeah and And that is just beyond frustrating. It's unacceptable. It's intolerable. And it lasted a very long time. And instead of, I'm not enlightened enough to take a deep breath, take it all in, convince myself it's going to be okay.

I'm more of, screw you. This shouldn't be happening. You don't know the rules. I got to deal with the town. That's your job. I got to deal with your subcontractors. That's your job. and it just never frigging ended.

And it got so deep inside me that I just kind of shut the fun side of me off. And I couldn't turn it back on. I mean, I just couldn't do it. It wasn't that I wasn't trying and I would be insincere if I didn't show more of that side of me. I maybe could have faked it,

but I guess I couldn't because if I could have, I would have. I couldn't turn it off. The only problem I have with anything you're saying and it's not really a problem, but the only adjustment I would make to what you're saying is that, and we don't have to harp on this. I mean, we're moving forward now, but I think it's instructive because whether we like it or not, there will come another time in your life where things are not under your control and they suck. It just will. And so what you're saying is

like, I'm a guy and you're right. We want to be effective and I value effectiveness and I get really pissed off at inefficiency and slack asses and I react to it. And that is true. And that insight is aware of, you know, that awareness is important and valuable, but you don't have to be at the effect of it. So being aware is part of it, but also you don't have to be at the effect of it. And I also understand that at this point, you're not and nor would I push you to like figure it all out right now. I would rather move you forward toward the more and more toward the positive connection. But there's a little pin in that because the next time this comes about, you're going to

need to remember that, OK, now it's time to get support. I'm not delusional enough to think you're going to get anticipatory support. And then you're going to go get the support when things aren't going well, are going well, which would be the ideal. That's a little judgmental. I just mean who the hell wants to, right? Not me, that's for sure. Yeah, exactly. So I'm not, I mean, it's not a criticism.

It's human nature not to want to dive into things that are uncomfortable when things are comfortable. And believe me, I get that. I definitely need to work on that. There's no doubt about that. But if I could skip and go to the yard work, if that's okay. Go to the yard work. Go ahead. I'm not trying to derail you.

I told you I was ready to move forward. We're all good. Yes. I'm laying in bed. I'll walk Mae, brunch is for that. It's Father's Day. Yeah. So 15 minutes, half hour, go by.

All right. I initiated. Yeah. I initiated. Yeah. Father's Day. And I go, let me see what Marla's up to. And there's Marla in the yard.

Oh, gosh. Let me get up. Help her out, I guess. And I've never done yard work, guys. It's not my thing. And I go outside, and Marla's cleaning up a little bit. She goes, you want to help me? I go, yeah, sure, whatever.

So we get out a ladder, we get some gloves, and we start just cleaning up the freaking yard. And we must have spent three or four hours doing it. And we had so much frigging fun. And, you know, I thought it was super sexy that Marla's out there, you know, doing her thing. And I'm watching, you know, the mind goes as to like how she wants to set the yard up. So it's a fairly large piece of, for us, it's like an acre and a half, more or less. So it's a lot.

We've never had that much land to work with. And a lot of it's usable. so I can just see the wheels turning and Paul's creative side coming out, wanting to do this, wanting to do that. We finally got a decent landscape where he kind of knows what to do. And Paul goes, you think you can cut

this down and that down or whatever? I go, yeah, I'll go get the ladder. We've got a lopper. We just went to Friggin Town. We were just chalking down everything. And, you know, sometimes we have a very good lopper, but it still needed a little

the leg work so i was like putting it between my arms and between my legs to get a little more leverage and i don't know what the hell i'm doing to be honest with you but i'm just like lopping away and we just were laughing and i thought marla's ideas were brilliant and marla thought that you know she just saw a physical side of me like in the garden i just never done that and it was we just had a great time with it and then we did it later and we did it one week day we did more of it and we were out there today with a friend of ours for another three or four hours yeah we're having a great time you found a new activity you enjoyed yeah and it was nice to do something together active garden because i when i grew up i had we had me and my neighbor we were

besties and we had these ring of pine trees and we thought if we sat in the middle no one could hear us so it was just like a really core beautiful memory and the way the trees are out there and the rocks because we live in Connecticut big rocks it I'm like oh my gosh there it is there's the meditation area there it is and Ken was there for it and I was like wow this is really fun yeah Because I always, you know, you know, it was like our kids weren't here. It was Father's Day, you know, all the things. And I was like, I just didn't want to sit and ruminate over, you know, too many bad neighborhood feelings. So I was like, let me just go play in the dirt.

I always love playing in the dirt. But I did not think he would like to play with me in the dirt. I didn't think I'd like to play with him in the dirt either. But what was really cool about it is I usually enjoy doing just about anything with mom. and it was really fun that that feeling came back because it was gone for a while yeah and everything just became a pain in the ass everything just became one more thing to do yeah and i just wasn't focused on the right things i was just focused on the tedious part of it that was really fun just to be yeah and i think that i thought a little more deeply because i asked

kenny when i said when you go to denver you know you're gonna have some downtime maybe take a note book, like think through some of what, you know, we've been going through because I do it, but it doesn't matter if I do it, just me in this vacuum. I said, and I'm really resentful of thinking about it so much. And I was, you know, cause I was just fixated on it. Everything on my phone was just maddening. And I said, you know, Kenny, I'm just, I'm resentful thinking so much about this. I need you to think about it with me or whatever. And then I thought deeper and I thought, you know, we've gone through horrible horrible things together and never did he get like this like you know so of course you know we're not getting any younger we all know things

are things come around the corner things happen and i just was like wow if this because i keep saying hey you know it's just it's pain it's this it's that like we're bigger than this we're better in this. We've been through more than this. Like, let's just go to plan B or plan C or whatever. And, and then I just felt like he was enjoying being cranky, you know, and then that took me to the next. Okay. So in this spirit, uh, I get where you're going and I, and what I hear underneath what you're saying is concern, right? That was going to keep us from getting here again. Yes. And I'm not suggesting that we don't address that. But and there is a but I don't think it serves us to address it now. No, no, no, no. I was just explaining sort of like the process of.

Yeah. Yeah. Only because what we want after we just even therapeutically speaking, after we go through a tough period together, we really need the reparation time. We need absolutely lines in the connection bank. And then you can come back to like unpacking it. So the only thing I'm going to ask you before we kind of move on, because I do want to get a clearer sense on where you guys are now, sexually especially, but even just romantically, is did Kenny come back with anything? No. And I didn't have a reaction to it. I was like, you know what? He had a great time with our girls.

you know, just seeing his smiles in the pictures with them was, was very fortifying. And it was also nice to be by myself for, you know, five days just to kind of, because I decided I was not going to watch a podcast or read a book or I just needed to not think about us and the collective for those, for that time. It was good for me too. So you can fall into, and that does tend to put more pressure on the system. I'm guilty of that as well, because I am a recovering type A. And so I try to fix, manage and control everything that isn't working. And yes. And unfortunately, when another person is involved, that's kind of tricky to fix, manage and control other people. We try. Trust me, I've been Al-Anon for years. I'm working on it. I'm recovering,

You know, I'm trying. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner.

Just go to Dr. Laura Berman dot com and you'll find it right there on the home page. The quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. The one thing, and I think I've mentioned this to you before, but if you haven't read, not for the purpose of solving a problem at this point, right? But if you have not read my book, Quantum Love. Yes. You have read it? I'm listening to it on audio, audible. But what I would encourage you to, because, and I would even say, yes, I mean, I would love Kenny

need to listen to it, but I'm thinking more about you because the bottom line is we are all human tuning forks and we're constantly unconsciously matching each other's energetic frequency. We're pure atomic energy. We're not solid. We seem solid because of our five senses. But if you were to look at us under an atomic microscope, we are vibrating atoms moving at different frequencies. And we actually, when we come together and in love relationships, especially or with our children and with our children, we are entrained is the quantum physics term. We match each other's energetic frequency and in love relationships, especially if you're really bonded and spend a lot of time together, you're even energetically entangled. So that can be a

curse because obviously the bad moods are kind of contagious and they affect, but it's also a blessing. Because what quantum love teaches you to do, and I really wrote this first, the whole thing started as a way to a misguided attempt to fix, manage, and control my kids who were going off the rails and to change things in my own relationship. What I realized is that when you just start to really take, which is kind of what you did in those five days, but when you really start to take responsibility for your own energy and you inhabit the energy of the feeling you most want to feel in love, your partner just matches you there. So I'm saying this as an offering to you, since you're not going to necessarily be doing anything preemptively to deal with the

next time something like this happens, that you now during this time of ease and flow can start practicing it since you have the curiosity and the desire to do that and then start playing with it in a positive way. I mean, my husband is my favorite guinea pig. I always tell him what I did afterwards. I don't hide it from him, but I do a lot of experiments on him that he enjoys. They're not evil experiments. They're positive ones, but he doesn't, I don't tell him what I'm doing. I try something and then I watch what happens and it's very, and then I'm like, you know what i just did so very fun and i think it will give you more of a sense of agency in the dynamics that are positive and for both of you and loving for both of you so i'm just

saying inside now now tell me so it sounds like did you kenny initiate before you left for denver in the end do you remember i thought that the last three weeks were very positive so that would clearly include the time that covered Denver. You initiated the massage before you left for Denver. Yeah. Yeah.

He did. Yeah. I just wanted to think it through a little bit and not say something that wasn't right. No, you did. I thought you did. You did. And then you initiated on Father's Day, Marla. Yeah. We were like, you know,

touching and the oh the one night Kenny was like rubbing my back and I really just would love that touch every single night like the back the bum and then I'm asleep because I'm very I modulate very high at night and I was like Kenny I slept so much better I was like the only eight hour night of sleep I had since we spoke to you and he's like yeah me too and I'm like that's so good I'm so glad it worked for both of us and it just doesn't come even though we both know it's good for both of us it doesn't come not i'm not being critical it just doesn't it's almost like we need a reminder for that in the fall both of us honestly that's fair and going back to your point dr about um

you know the quantum world and how you know we feed off each other's energy i remember saying to Marla that rubbing your back and your head or whatever and that calming you down at night allows you to have a really good night's sleep seeing Marla restful and calm really infuses me with similar feeling and I really had my best night's sleep once I kind of put Marla to sleep and it was like it felt so good that i had that power that's a you do to calm her down you do and nobody does i know very few couples who are successfully sensually and physically connected who don't schedule it i think if you're waiting even i mean especially if you have kids at home but even if you don't because you're out of practice and it's just not in your mindset you

You know, it's like I've said before, it takes at least three weeks to develop a new habit. Right. So you're not in the habit of this. So it doesn't occur to you. And, you know, a lot of people I just wrote, I think it was an article or I don't even remember. I've been writing so much lately, but I just wrote something about this idea of like help trying to help people reframe the concept of scheduling intimacy, because if you aren't

having it and it's not happening by its own devices, then freaking schedule it. We have this story that it's supposed to happen spontaneously. And sure, that's fine. But it's no worse if you plan for it. In fact, it's good because it's a sign that you're valuing it. You're making it a priority. You're making sure it happens. You be prepared for it. So maybe play with that a little bit. And I'm not saying, I mean, yes, you can pat her. If you want to have a good night's sleep, Kenny, make her have a good night's sleep and give her some pats and scratches and stuff before she goes to sleep. You don't have to pull out the massage table and do a whole physical. No, it's a whole, it's just like, you know, very, it's just in that it's not like a

whole thing. Telling you a piece of her love language right there. That's easy to deliver. But I would say at least once a week you schedule. And since you guys are retired and you don't have kids at home and you kind of know what your next, I don't know, month is going to look like, you could schedule out the month. You could schedule out and then you both know it's coming. And then the initiation becomes about whose turn it is to, you know, I know you guys like the massage table, which is why I'm mentioning it. Whose turn is it to pull out the massage table and set it up and light a candle and whatever? Like, let's take turns kind of saying, OK, it's four o'clock on Thursday. Let's go. You know, but that you both know when it's happening, not waiting. Is he going to initiate before he goes to Denver or not?

Or do I write? I'm pissed. I need to initiate. And he's in training your business and he's not knowing what's going on. So you don't have to play those games. Right. And then after a month, it will just start likely happening on its own. I did want to tell you, we went to the compounding pharmacist.

I did get cream. And Ken got his testosterone and it is low. I'm not sure. It's on the low end of normal, but it needs a boost. But we did attempt lovemaking. And I was really, everything was working. but at a certain point it didn't feel good like you know it just and i couldn't get out of my i just was like but we tried no one felt bad it was like you know it was very it was

really it was very sweet it was yeah it was very special so then a friend of mine talked me into going to this place um she didn't talk me into it i was interested it she has started to microdose mushrooms to relax her anxiety, ADHD, which I have both. So last week we attempted, and it's teeny bit amount, we broke this chocolate in half and I was like, this is great. And I just like went to sleep. We're really, we're really trying, you know, we're not like ignoring. And what I love about what you're saying is that you're making the trying the goal. Right. Exactly. It's not about a specific outcome. No, no, we're not attached to outcomes at all, which is good. And so if I understand you correctly, you are doing what cream estrogen or

biased and testosterone. So combined. And then I was given a testosterone topical for before lovemaking, which we haven't scheduled, which is a good reason to schedule it. and also some estradiol, I guess, for my face to put on in the evening. Yeah, I love that. I've been doing that for years, by the way, but I'm cracking up because it really does help with skin tone and collagen.

I'm not doing anything else, but it's cracking me up because it's all over the interweb now, this new trend. How did I not know about this? I'm like, how am I just getting to the game in 63? Now, most people are. I mean, I should have been louder and prouder about the fact that you can use your vaginal estrogen cream on your face, but you can.

And then I wanted to just say before I forget, sorry, I remembered that we were doing, Ken remembered, these testosterone shots when like two years, three years ago, four years ago. Yeah, four years ago. But I don't know that it really didn't do much. So I'm going to try the cream and if the cream doesn't work, I'm going to talk to her about the injections that you discussed. I really don't, oddly, since I've been doing the cream, it's been disrupting my sleep a little bit. Is that normal?

Well, I mean, listen, I'm talking from my non-MD perspective. It depends. Sometimes estrogen shouldn't make your sleep worse. Testosterone sometimes can be enervating. Remember, it helps with energy. So yes, that if those levels are getting too high, but if they were already low and it's just a cream. Right. You know, the reason I like personally the injections is because I am controlling how much is being absorbed into my system. I like that idea, too. Yeah, I'll finish this out.

But I like that idea, too. And then she had my progesterone by 50. That's not bad to say the progesterone. 200. Yeah, I'm taking 200 milligrams before bed. helps with sleep and kenny say you're starting testosterone as well i will uh marlon and i spoke about it unfortunately i've the the um the compounding person doesn't call me back and my urologist has the shittiest office in the universe so i'm waiting for someone to call me back but i will if they don't call me back this week i'll go we can find somewhere else there's a compounding pharmacy here. Maybe we'll just go to that pharmacy. Yeah. One other thing I just want to ask you, Marla, to follow up on something you were saying is that when you guys were fooling

around and starting to try, as you say, you said that at a certain point it started to feel irritating, like physically uncomfortable. Was there arousal first and or orgasm and then it got uncomfortable no there was nowhere near an orgasm I'm nowhere close to that but I was very wet I was interested I can't say I was fully aroused yeah like I said I like I don't know where we went out a few times and Ken dressed up and I was like that like I love when he wears a collared shirt and you know cute shoes and that's always like you know an investment in the bank an investment in the bank, but I can't say I was, I really wanted to go to that next level, which I haven't wanted to do. So let me ask you this. Do you, I mean, obviously you don't have, if you

don't have desire, you don't have the desire for self-stimulation either, but have you tried either general, you know, manual self-stimulation or using a little toy? I have not. No. Is there like a resistance to that or I think there is yeah I think there's like a fear that I that nothing's going to work if I try it well not I mean who cares yeah I still have to try it well the only reason I say to try it for two reasons one is that like it or not and this is true for every one of us no matter how bonded we feel to our partner and how comfortable we are with them and how much we aren't putting pressure on an outcome, there's still some pressure. You're with another person who's having feelings about what's happening and you're attuned to those

feelings and worried about those feelings and aware of how they're responding. There is a certain degree of emotional distraction that is inevitable when you're having sex with someone else. And so the reason I like to bring in self-stimulation, if only from a diagnostic standpoint, is that it helps you figure out two key things. One, is this universal or is this something that's kicking in when I go to be intimate with my partner? And then we can start to look at what that may be if that's the case. Or sometimes you'll say, okay, it's the same either way. So that's good information to have, right? The second is that it gives you an opportunity to play with, no pun intended, what may work, right? So for instance, pretty much

every woman I know or work with who's over 40 needs added clitoral stimulation to get aroused and reach orgasm. And the best form of that clitoral stimulation when with a partner, for instance, is a small little handheld vibrator that stimulates your clitoris while you're having intercourse or fooling around or whatever you're doing, right? Like that's a perfect go-to solution for the over 40 woman, even on hormones, because we don't have as much blood flow, even with the hormones, we need more stimulation. So if you were to experiment on your own, for instance, with a small, I have one in my line that's called the Athena.

I bought it, I bought it. You have it and you haven't used it. Marla. Now that says something, right? Yeah, it does. There's something in me that I don't know what, yeah. And that's resistance is not unique to self-stimulation. A part of it is filtering through

and sex with him as well, with Kenny. So I want that to be your homework to, you know, and once again, it's just in the trying, it's not in the outcome, but like you're self aware and analytical enough to be like, okay, what's coming up for me? Oh shit. I'm thinking about that past trauma, or I'm noticing my body is shutting down. I'm noticing I'm feeling some embarrassment, even though I'm alone in the room or whatever you start to notice. And then those things become things that you can work on in counseling or somatic experiencing or other things. And those then remove the blocks to arousal. What you're doing with the hormone

therapy is removing some of the physical blocks to arousal, right? So, when we're looking at sexual issues, we're looking at it from a mind, body, and emotional perspective, right? There's the mind, which is anxiety, trauma, depression, disassociation, body image stuff. There's the physical, which is hormones, medications, medical conditions. And then there's the emotional piece, which is kind of, or relational piece, which is kind of the dynamics between the two of you. So we've been dealing with the dynamics between the two of you. We've been dealing with the physical, right? There's this emotional piece in the mix here that will probably be more easily vetted out through self-exploration. We won't even call it self-stimulation, so there's no pressure whatsoever, but self-exploration. And you may find like, crap, this feels amazing. Let's go, right? Or you'll notice something else coming up, but that will be important information. Yeah, I was, I was disappointed in myself, but I did not, I had it on my agenda for when Ken was away and I just, I just didn't. Yeah. Well, listen, there's shame is the shittiest motivator

there is. There's nothing to be ashamed of or disappointed about. No, I'm just, I'm confused is what I am. I'm like, what is going on? But what I love for Kenny is that poor Kenny is always the that's gumming up the works and not willing you know and not and and you're thinking about it all the time and wanting to work on it all the time and kenny's going to denver not even writing in his journal about it and here you are i know i know i'm i'm guilty as charged feel good about that kenny i'm on the hot seat now you're enjoying it it's okay no i'm i'm totally like i i don't even know welcome to my world yeah i don't even know i'm i'm all open to like i don't know what it is i really don't i really don't you're not gonna know

until you move through the resistance of trying the first step is moving through the resistance to try right so just make same as with sex make a date with yourself that on tuesday at 10 a.m i'm gonna do this and you know just try it and and just like let you know touch yourself and put it on the your genitals and be like oh what does that feel like oh that's interesting let me try it in these different spots, like curiosity, no agenda. Okay. Just curiosity. Like trying a new hairstyle, you know, just what would this look like? What does this feel like? Right. That's the first thing. And then once you try, you got to try several times, not all at once, you know, appointment with yourself. And then you're like, oh, I'm noticing that when I hold it a little to

the left of my labia and angled down, it actually feels, oh, I could stay here for a minute. Huh? Okay. Ooh, I'm noticing I'm thinking about Kenny and his collared shirts and hot shoes. It goes from there. Got it. Got it. Okay. I will do it. I will do it. I needed the push. That's why I came to confession. I am a love minister. I know. I know you are. You do. if you guys ever want to renew your vows i would love to with you you have no idea i've already thought about it you have i swear to god we're gonna be married 40 years 38 years this year 40 and two more and i would that would be like a dream for us in your beautiful meditation garden once you have once you are having swinging from the chandeliers intimacy on a regular basis by

that. We're going to have a rock with your name on it. And then Kenny can just put his ass on it whenever he feels like getting pissed at me for putting him on the spot. I'm going to go pop a squat on Dr. So you guys are doing well. And I'm really, really happy that things have kind of taken a more positive turn and that you're having fun together and that you found a new activity you really enjoy together and that feeds the nest and the physical and the attraction and the play all at once. And now it's a matter of really putting your attention on building these new habits and maybe, you know, exploring the trying of self-stimulation and continuing the medical route you're in good shape so I'm looking forward to checking back in with you to see how all of

that is going yes that would be great like I asked a friend of mine like about I'm not really good at reading I'd really like to listen and then read at the same time but like I don't know she's like this one friend of mine recommended this little thing and she's like honey you are not using it like, what is going on? Is it an antique shop down there? I'll send you a picture of it. It's a little black one. It has little like sections that you have. You should see my box. My niece used to sell these things. I have a box of toys. There's no excuse. Oh, okay. So you're talking about a toy that goes internally? No, no, it's not internally. Yeah. I mean, you could use that too. I, it's a little too much right now at this moment. It really is. And you know,

I find that people make with toys is they go to the store or they see something on social media and it's got all these bells and whistles and rotating pearls and vibrating ears and crazy stuff happening on it. And you're not, you know, you meaning the collective you, but also you are not even comfortable with self-stimulation exactly but i don't need the cadillac vibrators work with the basics right and then you know if you like it you start exploring more and more work your way right right right to be like yay don't worry you're both equally on the house no we appreciate it we're so grateful

so grateful really all right to be continued my friends good work thank you so much thank you I went to the doctor Said I'm crazy for your love Wrote me a prescription But there's no cure for a crush all i wanna do i wanna do is take you home with me i wanna make i know i wanna