Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - It’s Just Porn, But Why Does It Hurt So Much?

Episode Date: June 11, 2025

So… your partner watches porn. Does that mean they’re cheating? Or is it just harmless fantasy? If you’ve ever asked yourself this—or felt a pit in your stomach after finding out—this episode is for you. In this Language of Love session, I answer a powerful question from a listener named Karen. She just found out her boyfriend watches porn regularly, and she’s not sure how to feel. Hurt? Angry? Insecure? Betrayed? Here’s the thing—this isn’t just about porn. It’s about trust. Boundaries. Feeling seen and safe in your relationship. And we’re going there. In this episode, we get into: Why watching porn doesn’t automatically mean someone is cheating When fantasy crosses the line into a problem What porn does to the brain—and why so many people got hooked during the pandemic How too much porn can mess with intimacy (like, seriously mess with it) Why it’s totally normal to feel triggered or rejected—and how to talk about it with your partner The difference between emotional safety and sexual shame—and how to move through both Real tips for navigating conversations around porn, self-pleasure, and trust Remember to visit my website to take a free quiz and explore 7 Days to Better Sex. It’s not about right or wrong—it’s about discovering what’s true for you. I’m here to help you gain clarity on what you want, what feels right, and how to bring more honesty and connection into your relationships. And if you’ve ever felt alone in your struggles, know this: you’re not. So many of us are navigating the same questions. Got something on your mind? A story or question you'd like to share? I’d love to hear from you. Email me anytime at [e-mail]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to the Language of Love sessions. This is where I get to answer your questions,

email, or you can come on live. If you want to be part of the show or you have a question you want me to tackle on the show, you can always send it to languageoflovepod at gmail.com. Here is one from Karen saying, Hey, Dr. Berman, I recently found out that my boyfriend watches porn regularly and it really caught me off guard. He says it's normal and doesn't mean anything, but I can't help feeling hurt and even a little betrayed. It makes me question whether I'm enough for him or if he's emotionally checked out. I'm struggling with the question, is watching porn considered cheating or is it only a problem if it crosses certain lines? I'd love your perspective on where the boundaries really are. Yeah, this is such an interesting question, Karen, because

honestly, I've been doing this for 30 years and my feelings about the role of porn in relationships and in general have really changed over the past five years or so, mostly when during the pandemic Pornhub went free and the immense quantity and access to pornography has really changed the game a lot and has changed people's access and therefore has changed how they are using porn and how it's affecting them. Let's just start here. Do I think it is cheating? No, not if he isn't interacting. There are porn sites where you interact with the actors or other kinds of sites where you interact with people. If he's not interacting with anyone and he's just watching, people have done that since the beginning of the time. Men, especially boys, are coming of age

looking at porn. It's just part of their thing. And it would be the same as if you were saying it's cheating to self-stimulate, which I know a lot of women think in their relationships. And that to me is ridiculous because people self-stimulate even when they're very happy in a sexual situation and in a sexual relationship. And men especially tend to self-stimulate a lot more than they're having sex, even when they're in a committed, happy sexual relationship with someone. So porn has just become part of self-stimulation. It's just an instrument of self-stimulation for a lot of people. So personally, I mean, it's a personal thing, right? If you had told him, I don't want you looking at porn, I don't feel comfortable

with it. And he had agreed to that and then went behind your back, that would have been a breach of trust, but it doesn't sound like that's what's happened. So is it cheating? I would say no. Although I totally get that it makes you feel insecure because those porn stars do not look human, you know, and they haven't had a lot of work done, most of them. And so, you know, I always say to people, do not turn to porn to know what sex should be, nor what real people look like naked. So I get that it makes a lot of people feel insecure or like, is that what he really wants? And I can tell you after talking to thousands and thousands of men, it has nothing to do with you and his mind. If he had a chance to have sex with that porn star, he would not want

to. He is attracted to you. This is just fantasy. This is just a tool for self-stimulation for most men. Now, where does it cross the line? Well, I already said one place it crosses the line if there's any contact, but the other place it tends to cross the line is if it's becoming something that is getting in the way of your intimacy. This is what we are starting to see with the over-access to porn that I was talking about a little earlier, that in a lot of relationships, the sexual frequency is starting to go by the wayside because the guy is usually the guy is turning to porn more than his partner. It's just easier and he gets used to it and he's self-stimulating so much and maybe it's becoming a little compulsive or a little too frequent and

it's starting to diminish his libido, his interest in sex and his desire to be sexual with his partner. If you are noticing a decrease in his sexual availability and interest and he's masturbating to porn, that means that porn could be becoming an issue. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level,

capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the quantum sex free course. Check it out and let me know what you think. The other thing I'm starting to see, and this is really disturbing, but also fascinating that how it works.

But now because it's been five years, scientists are starting to see and look at this and what they now understand of what happens in the brain when we watch porn is two things. One, the brain are two key things. Lots of things happen in the brain, but two key things that affect relationships. One is that when you are watching porn, your brain is registering the people on the screen as two-dimensional objects, not people.

Obviously, you intellectually are observing them as people, but your brain and your body is processing them as 2D objects. We're seeing this a lot in young boys who are only, I mean, think about it. This is the first generation of young boys who has had such unfettered access to porn. Boys of the past had to find a magazine or a video or something that they would pass around, right? Now it's so easy and so huge amounts of porn, right? So what they are finding is that for a lot of people, especially young people who are

coming up in their sexual development, looking at porn and their brains are processing it as a 2D object, or for people who are really looking at porn a lot, their sexual cycle, their sexual response cycle begins to become attuned to getting aroused by a 2D object, not a human person. And then we will start to see men having difficulty getting aroused or boys having difficulty getting aroused with an actual person. When the time comes to have sex With a three-dimensional person, their bodies aren't responding because now they've conditioned themselves to respond to a two-dimensional object. Really kind of scary when you think about it.

The other thing that we're seeing starting to happen is a dopamine thing, a dopamine cycle, because when you watch porn, it starts to stimulate those dopamine centers. And this is really what's underneath. It's the neurochemicals pathways underneath addiction. It's the same centers of the brain that light up when you do coke. when you watch porn. And then you need more and more and more, not only more and more porn, but more escalated porn. And that is why many scientists believe we're seeing so many people turning to violent porn, not because they want violence in their lives, but because their bodies,

their dopamine centers have gotten so used to it that they no longer feel the thrill and excitement and arousal from watching people have sex. So now they got to see people choke each other. Now they have to see people humiliate each other. Now they have to see people hurt each other and it starts escalating, escalating, escalating. And then they struggle to get aroused in the bedroom, mostly because of the first reason I said, not because of this, but then they're like, okay, I have to choke you. Okay. I need to be choked. And it just starts translating the bedroom in really dysfunctional ways. Not that like, if you want to choke, go ahead. But I mean, coming from the process of porn-induced dopamine addiction, that's not healthy, right?

Now, none of that, Karen, seems like what's happening in your relationship. It sounds like your boyfriend is just looking at porn sometimes when he self-stimulates. If your sex life is not being affected by this and the frequency and the quality of your sex life hasn't been different, then I really wouldn't worry about it. Now, historically, before these past five years, I would have unequivocally always said that there is always a potentially healthy place for porn in a love relationship if it isn't negatively impacting your sexual relationship and your connection and you're using it in a healthy way. Now I'm a little more wary of it because it's such a slippery slope and can so quickly escalate because people just, just like with scrolling and social media, people just keep going and going and going, or they start using it for stress reduction.

And then the next thing you know, they're doing it in the bathroom at work there. They can't stop. They're doing it in the car, in some parking lot somewhere. They're just like addicted to it neurologically and neurochemically. And so that's a long way of saying, I definitely don't think your boyfriend is cheating on you. I think it's hard to tell a human being you can't self-stimulate or fantasize. That's cheating on me because that's not really fair.

And in every long-term relationship, people fantasize. That does not mean they would ever not want to be with you or replace you or want to have sex with someone else. It's just fantasy. And fantasy is healthy for everybody. It's not cheating. You can't expect one person to only fantasize about you and only you for the rest of their lives.

I don't think that's realistic. And I think we have to get, frankly, less insecure, right? Like I know my husband probably fantasizes all the time, but he would never trade me in, right? And it has nothing to do with his arousal and attraction to me and vice versa, right? Like a healthy relationship kind of can hold that and understand that, especially if it's not negatively affecting your connection, sexual and otherwise. So I would give him a break, but I would also have a conversation with him about how much he's watching, what kind he watches,

and maybe warn him, maybe have him watch or listen to this so that he understands what the risks are. I hope that gives you some guidance. If you want to talk more about it, you can always reach out to me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com. I went to the doctor Said I'm crazy for your love