Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Kicking Ass in a Corset with Andrea Kayne

Episode Date: October 13, 2021

Today on the “Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman sits down for an intimate talk with Andrea Kayne. Andrea Kayne is a leadership coach and an author who recently wrote “Kicking Ass in a Corset: Jane Austen’s 6 Principles of Living and Leading from the Inside Out.” Kayne draws insights and life lessons from the works of the 18th-century novelist. Austen’s classics like “Emma” and “Pride and Prejudice” are as rich with meaning now as they were then. Yes, surprising as it may sound, these centuries-old books have a lot to teach us about self-knowledge, intuition, and learning to trust and embrace your power. In this episode, Dr. Berman and Kayne talk about what it means to know yourself, how to release old habits and self-defeating beliefs, and how to come really know and LOVE yourself, flaws and all. Whether you are an Austen lover or someone simply to find your purpose, this episode is a must-listen! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love-sex relationship questions, and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome everybody to the language of love. I'm really excited to introduce our guest for this

episode, Andrea Cain. Say hi, Andrea. Hi, everybody. Thanks so much for having me. Oh, I'm so excited you're here. First of all, just full disclosure, Andrea is a very dear and old friend of mine. I was just thinking last night when I was thinking about us talking that it's been at least 10 years since we really became friends, which is a long time when you think about it. Definitely. We've been on such a journey together. It's so wonderful. We really have. And I'm sure some of that will come up because we've been through a lot of what I like to call AFGEs, another freaking growth experience after another together. But we're on talking this time about Andrea's new book, Kicking Ass in a Corset. Love that title. Kicking Ass in a Corset, Jane Austen's six principles for living and leading from the inside out. As long as I've known you, you've been a Jane Austen fan. And what I think is so cool, and I remember when this all started, it sort of started

with a talk you were giving at a Jane Austen, because you used to go, you should probably still go to these Jane Austen conventions. Definitely. I'm a Jane Austen obsessed fan, a Janeite. I'm also a leadership professor, and I'm also someone who is a seeker. And you're a spiritual thinker and teacher. And that's sort of been our common ground for most of our friendship. And so this was just such a cool idea because what she's done here, whether you're first of all, you know, I love Jane Austen, but I would not go to a Jane Austen conference.

I mean, it's not like I'm that much of a fan, but most of us know in a general sense about there's been movies made from her books. Most of us are kind of familiar with the characters, but what I thought was really cool is how you took, you know, because she really was a feminist before her time, and how you took some of the subtleties in the stories that many of us are so familiar with from reading the books in elementary, I mean, in high school to college to seeing the movies, you know, that Gwyneth Paltrow was starring in or whatever else, right? You know, in those period piece movies. But you took so many of those storylines and things that happened to the heroines in those stories, and you really take a leap to today and demonstrate the lessons that she was really teaching us or that we could glean from that, the unspoken lessons. Definitely. Her heroines all faced a lot of constraints, a lot of courses, but they were able to tap into an internal power. And I'm a leadership professor. I'm an empowerment seeker. And I found that my best leadership lessons, not just in the professional sphere, but in the personal sphere, navigating a tumultuous divorce, for example, were from these heroines. They helped me tap into an internally referenced power, what you call in your work, home frequency in these different ways. And so I gave the talk at a Jane Austen conference. I then gave the talk at a women in leadership conference. And I ended up using these archetypes as these superpowers that we all have, but they're latent. And there was wonderful way to kind of tap into them and use them so that we could navigate. Yeah. And they've never been used in this way. I mean, I'm sure there's been lots of feminist

analysis of these heroines, but not in this way. And by the way, and I wrote something like this in the back of the book, but what I think is so cool is that this is a book obviously for any woman who's in a leadership position, but it's really for any woman who wants to access her power in a new way. And, and before we kind of deal into the, and you mentioned this, that obviously I've written, in fact, I was starting that book when you and I met Quantum Love. I was just starting. And I remember like presenting it to our women's group, like, okay, this is what I'm thinking about this Quantum Love map and home frequency and like how I'm organizing it. But I talk so much to people about this idea of inside out and really being, you know, what I call and

what you refer to as home frequency as a state of empowerment and clarity and holding your own power, you know, whether it's in a boardroom or in a difficult conversation with your partner or in setting boundaries with a friend or with your children. And so often, especially women, We struggle with that. And so I want to just start with this idea of what how you would define internally referenced power, because we could say leadership if you're in a leadership position. But it's really if you're not in a leadership position, it's really about internally referenced power. Definitely. And thank you so much for that question. It's about knowing our wholeness, knowing we're complete, knowing we're enough, living from a like a be do have rather than a do have be. I think as women, and this has just been such a growth path for me, I know it's been a growth path for you and our soul sister friends, that we think, oh my gosh, if I do these things for

people in the outside world, then I'll be good, then I'll be worthy, then I'll be complete. I mean, I love Jerry Maguire, but that line, you complete me, was such a disservice, especially for women. So if we tap into our own internally referenced power first, and we know that it has nothing to do with the outside world, we'll find the state of well-being. And it's even when things are going really well. I mean, we know so many people who maybe plug into their children or plug into their work and plug into how many followers they have but there's always this agitation what if i lose i've got to stay at this level but if our worthiness is just inherent then we realize we're full and and that's also the paradox as you and i've talked about laura of manifestation

when we don't need the man we can actually attract the man because we're in that home frequency of fullness and abundance. That's irrespective of any kind of material abundance. Well, I want to get to this distinction because between do have be and be have do in a minute, but you're reminding me of that amazing conversation we had after your marriage had finished and you were starting your divorce. And we were talking about even just the concept of dating again. And this is exactly, I mean, you already knew this in other areas of your life, but this was the beginning, I think, of your journey too, is that you're going to meet that person once you have really taken the time to fall in love with yourself first, right? And to

really recognize, like to really build that internal relationship with yourself. And of course, as soon as you went out, you waited a year, like a very, almost a year, right? And you really worked. I watched you. I was with you. I was working too. Like we were working on it. Oh my gosh. I remember it was LaPan Quotidian Unarmaged. I had a kale Caesar salad because it was one of the most transformative moments and learnings of my whole life. And I actually think it's such a great window into Jane Austen. But you said to me, Andrea, this is a time for you to fall in love with yourself for you to marry yourself for you to see the enoughness the worthiness in yourself that you don't need anybody else to be complete and you did it and I also gave

you a bag of sex toys I don't know if that helped I was like here just use these and the other irony is you gave me a bag of toys and you said you know what watch Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice and have some fun. An outlander. I remember outlander was like the goddess ripping corn at the time. But it's very interesting too. Cause I mean, you don't really see this in the movies so much, but in Jane Austen's books, she has these heroines who are supposed to say yes and get married. And many of them say no. And I, I have a whole section where I talk about marrying yourself and it is so influenced by you and your friendship and your work and that transformative lunch. And I, you know, I'm remarried now and really, really happy, but I needed to fall in love with

myself first. And that's the vibration I emanated. And again, it's always very Yoda paradox when you don't need the man to complete you, then you can attract the man. Isn't that the irony? And you really did. I mean, he was almost the first person you went on a date with, if that. And it was like literally what you had described you wanted. And now you're married and happy. And it just makes me so happy on so many levels. And I know you talk about this to a certain extent in the book. And there are all of these different six principles, right? But let's just talk for a second, because we kind of use these buzzwords and people don't really understand. This, I think, is a big overarching principle of what you teach, which is

the, you know, do have be right, which is basically if I have these, you know, external items, status symbols, the right man or woman on my arm, the right clothes, the right job, this much money you know there's an if in there if I have that right then I'll be what like the old paradigm then I'll be well then I'll be worthy then I'll be happy then I'll be complete if our well-being is contingent on any externality we're never fully going to be well or complete or happy Because you're always worried, am I going to get it? And if you have it, you're going to need more and more of it. It almost becomes like an addiction because it can never really fill you. It's not what that kind of core of home frequency is about. And that's what we're talking about when we say it's outside in or externally referenced versus internally referenced. And I talk a lot to you about, you know, all of you about this idea of self-worth and the difference between self-worth and self-esteem, right? someone who's seeking self-esteem is more externally referenced. They are lovable or

enough because they can do certain things or they have certain qualities that others appreciate. Self-worth or self-love or worthiness, those are all interchangeable, is the full understanding of your extreme worthiness of love simply because you're the being that you are. That's it. And there's no do or have to around your worthiness of love, right? So the externally reference would be if I have these qualities or these items or these people approving of me, then I am worthy of love. Then I can be happy. Then I have happiness or fulfillment. That's the external reference. The internally referenced is that it starts with being whole, right? That is so true.

And it's such an important distinction. And it's so hard for women. And I feel like you and I have been in a recovery group at this because it's, you know, it's what I call like the good girl syndrome. If I serve them, if I do for them, then I'm a good girl, then I'm worthy. And then I can love myself. And that, you know, again, the good news for us as women is we're relational and the bad news for us is we're relational. And I've done this exercise in groups and groups you and I've been in and other groups and with my students and my clients where I say, OK, write down three positive attributes about yourself that have nothing to do with what you do for other people, how you serve other people or what other people think of you. of you. And for me myself, you know, it takes people so long to come up with that. And really

for just showing up on this planet, you're worthy, you're lovable, you're enough. Yeah. Without doing anything else, just because you are the unique one of a kind expression of the divine that you are. And I always think about that. The fact that a sperm, well, really we now no, the sperm and the egg don't really get together. The egg chooses the sperm that's going to come in, right? I love that. I know. But, you know, that egg and that sperm get together with the egg's consent and choice. And then all the things that have to happen, not only that specific sperm and that specific egg at that specific time, but nine months with nothing going wrong. And then like all that had to happen for you to be here, you are here for a freaking

reason. And that in and of itself makes you worthy. I think. Yeah. I guess I get tears in my eyes when I think about that, how extraordinary it is. Yeah. You know, what an accomplishment just to be here. Just to be here in these bodies is astounding. Okay. When I sell my business, I want the best tax and investment advice. I want to help my kids, and I want to give back to the community. Ooh, then it's the vacation of a lifetime. I wonder if my head of office has a forever setting. An IG Private Wealth Advisor creates the clarity you need with plans that harmonize your business, your family, and your dreams.

Get financial advice that puts you at the center. Find your advisor at IGPrivateWealth.com. Anyway, we kind of talked about this first principle of the first of the six is knowing your inherent value and worthiness and how we've talked about, you know, that's a challenge for women. One of the principles you talk about is sort of claiming our hard work and merit, our bad assery or our kick assery instead, like claiming it, which I think as women is not, you know, you don't want to be conceited. You don't want to be, you know, a narcissist, God forbid that word is thrown around so much, you know, versus waiting to be seen.

Like it's once again, that do have be like, if I just do a really good job, then my boss will notice or my, if I'm just really show up for my partner, then my partner will notice and your position is okay. That's great. But don't wait for that. Claim it. Talk about that. Yeah.

I just think it's such a trap and I think we are conditioned and trained, especially as girls and women to want you know people to see us and that if they don't see us then we don't exist yeah if they don't see our work we don't exist we need permission and approval and it's so hard I mean I still at 55 if I'm asking for more compensation if I'm asking for recognition If I'm at, I still feel like somehow I'm being a troublemaker and I'm going to get in trouble and they're going to, and I, I think being able to kind of claim, you know, who we are and you, you have all these wonderful exercises about like looking in the mirror and complimenting yourself.

I remember you did that for like a month. I did. And it was, I, it was so hard for me to do it. You're like, all I can think is that I need an eye job. Botox. And I was like looking through my fingers, like it was an eclipse and we need scripting. We need to practice doing that. And, um, it just feels so foreign. It feels like you say narcissistic or selfish and selfish is a big one that we hear. Yeah. It's very true. And even the, like, you know, I have this thing in the book about our personal rubric for success rather than their

rubric for us yeah sometimes it's even hard for us to know what is what kind of work do we value why are we doing this how does it like serve us and our mission right and I think that's why it is also really valuable how you organize the principles because once you really kind of start to get a handle on worthiness then and it's only through that lens that you can really establish what is success to me. I remember having this conversation with my father, not long, honestly, before he died. I mean, this is probably like a year. It was when he was not, you know, we could still have conversations and stuff. And I was driving him somewhere, probably to the doctor. And he was asking about some of my college friends because he knew a lot of them. And there

were three in particular. And, you know, I was talking and he said, isn't it interesting that all three of those women are multimillionaires now. Now, this was a conversation where I was, you know, I was not a multimillionaire and I knew what he was saying. And I said, yeah, that is interesting. And it's also interesting that, and this isn't a criticism, but that each of them attain those millions through a divorce where they had to end their marriage and actually obtain the millions in the divorce settlement from their husbands or their ex-husbands, which is fine, you know, but it's interesting. I said, are you saying that having those millions is what makes someone successful? I just like put it out there. Cause I knew what he was saying.

And instead of like waiting and cringing and being pissed at the elephant, he plopped in the room. I just said it. And he's like, he looked at me, he's like, well, isn't that, you know, like it's not everyone's idea. So like, what's he said, what's yours. And I said, well, listen, Millions are nice. You know, that's freedom in many ways. But the way I define happiness, I mean, excuse me, the way I define success is through happiness. It's through like, am I living a life where I and the people that I care for and I'm raising and my family is like happy and healthy and authentic and connected and living from love? Like that to me is success. He kind of thought I was crazy because in his metric, and I measured myself, you know this, we've talked about this a million times, I measured myself my whole life by his definition of success because if I wasn't successful in his eyes, I wasn't successful. And when he died, I was still not successful in his eyes, you know, but by that point I had let go of his metric of success. And I realized how flawed that was and I'd adopted my own, but that's a journey.

That is so, gosh, I got goosebumps when you were talking because I, you know, have some similar themes in my life. And one of the things I also think is that those people, even when they have money, I'm talking about your father but who live in that fear-based world yeah it actually no matter how much money you have it's very scarce whenever someone is using shame and comparison you know and creating this very two-dimensional hierarchy that's a world of scarcity and fear and it's not a world of abundance and living with your own personal meaning yeah because if then you lose the money and, you know, money gets lost, not because you misplace it, but because of

things crash, economies, Ponzi schemes, mistakes, illness, you know, money can be lost. Money is energy. It comes, it goes, right? And if you are defining your worth based on having X number in the bank, then you are always going to be either in a low grade or high grade anxiety about having enough. And I think you're absolutely right. From morning hockey with a cup of coffee to Timbits and road trips, Tim's and Canadian Tire have always gone together. Now it's official. You can now earn Canadian Tire money at Tim's. Link your Triangle Rewards and Tim's Rewards accounts to earn twice with every Tim's run. Terms and conditions apply. Visit timhordens.ca slash triangle for details. One of the principles, which I think is sort of relevant to what we're saying that you

talk about, we're not going to talk about all of them because there are six and we could talk forever. But one of them is, I don't know which number this is, you know, this openness to learning and growing, which I love because when people say to me in the relationship, you know, how do you know if a person is the right person for you to have a relationship with, a love relationship, a long-term love relationship? And I always say, look, you got to have chemistry, you got to have shared values. But the main thing you need is that, that they are open to growing and learning like

nothing else, honestly, is other than maybe chemistry. If you're going to have sex with only them for the rest of your life, but almost nothing else is as important in the success of a long-term love relationship than that. So will you talk about how you define it? Yes, definitely. So I think it's about lifelong learning, being willing to learn from this internal place of openness and humility, having a growth mindset and knowing, you know, I find huge relief in that principle, especially I feel like this is something I really started to

learn when, you know, you and I were in our sort of soul sister group together. It was such a relief, this idea. I used to think I have this to-do list of how I wanted to improve and be perfect. And when I am this perfect, ideal mother and wife and whatever, then I'll be happy and whole. And it placed so much pressure on me. Yeah, it does. And when I realized that we're all learning and growing and making mistakes and getting

back up and embracing all the messes. Yeah. And that to me is the openness. Yeah. To me, it's like, I have to have a partner in close friendship and certainly in love who is willing to be wrong. Yeah. And willing to admit to themselves and to me even better, but at least to yourself that you're wrong. I don't care. I mean, I'd like you to admit it to me, but it's not mandatory. You just have to be, because if you're not willing to be wrong, then you're committed to being right. And if you're committed to being right, then you're never really in your wholeness and you're always fighting against growth and learning new things. It's so true. You know, my children who are 25 and almost 25 and almost 23 will say that being around me and my new husband, Andy, it's so interesting because we do have conflict and we learn from each other and say we're sorry.

And in my first marriage, it was this kind of silent, distant kind of area, right? Cold war, sort of judging each other, but no conflict at all on the surface. And they just witnessed that. That's so interesting. And it's also so cool that they're old enough, you know, they're young adults. So first of all, it's a sign of your open-minded growth mindset that they can even have these conversations with you. But the fact that they got both Andrea's, you know, they got the mother that was in this relationship and what that modeled for them back then, their biological father.

And they have the relationship that they that you model, you know, which is how long have you been married? Two years? I mean, you guys have been together for about three or four years now. Yeah, we've been together for four years and we've been married for one year. and um and so they've seen that definitely i i even had a talk with your wonderful son ethan he's just one of my favorite humans in the whole world about how for me in some ways i've gotten closer to my kids by owning my screw-ups and mistakes seeking forgiveness when i had this facade of like, I'm the, you know, Virgin Mary and this like benevolent image of perfection. Exactly. Or a victim, you know, there was just a lot. I wasn't the real human.

You can only have intimacy when it's real messy human to real messy human. And it's I'm sure he told you that I've done the same because Lord knows he's told me a lot of what I've done wrong. And, uh, I always say, I'm sorry. He said, uh, it's only been by the only things you've really done wrong mom or by accident or ignorance. I was like, that's totally true. I always had the best intentions. Well, then I thought it was so interesting because his refrain to you is mom, you want to take care of everyone else. Please take care of yourself. And that's another goosebumps moment for me when I think about it. I kept he kept saying that to me during because Andrea was at the I have to do a podcast about that.

And I will about sort of Sammy's release because we had two different ceremonies finally post-COVID six months after he died. And the first one was in L.A. where we buried half of his remains. And then the second half was in Chicago with my soul sisters. Andrea was there and where I you know spread his ashes at the beach and we released flowers and we blew bubbles and we danced and we prayed and it was like a very different situation and I'm not even aware but all of my girls were there and I also was kind of the organizer of this event which always makes me anxious that's where my self-worth comes in or my low self-worth is my social anxiety not because I'm individually or even collectively socially anxious with you all

but I feel if I'm entertaining or hosting or organizing, I get really anxious. So I was feeling like worried. Are you guys comfortable? Is this okay? And so I was checking around and he was getting so annoyed with me. He kept saying, mom, stop taking care of people. Stop taking care of people. Yeah. He was saying that a lot. I wasn't even aware I was doing it. I was just thought I was watching out for everyone and directing them. Well, you're such a loving person. I think it's reflexive for you. And I, it was one of the most beautiful, poignant moving days of my life and the release of the butterflies. I mean, we so feel Sammy's spirit and it was just so, so beautiful. Like you're just such a beautiful soul and such an amazing mom. And it was really,

really such an honor to be there. I was so glad you were. I'll tell you guys more about that another time. But so there's so many other things I want to talk to you about. But I think the book, just so you know, is called Kicking Ass in a Corset, Jane Austen's Six Principles for Living and Leading from the Inside Out. And Andrea is, you know, a PhD. She's a professor of education and leadership. She's a, you know, you're actually a lawyer, even though you don't practice law. And she's written a fiction book. Oh my God, I'm blanking on the name. Oxford Messed Up.

Oxford Messed Up. Yeah, that was really good too. But this is your first nonfiction book. Right, right. And I think it's just so, because it's true. You know, we talked about this when I was writing Quantum Love. In many ways, in a totally different fashion

and through a totally different lens, we're all teaching the same thing. Whether it's Quantum Love, Kicking Ass in a Corset, any of the other like personal growth, It's about finding your and really claiming your own worth and holding that frequency. And what I like about, in particular, about the internally referenced leadership is that that is where we all tend to lose it, especially women. And I hear this from women, but men too, but women all the time that like, okay, you know,

I've got it down. I know how to like really claim my power and I can look in the mirror and really understand, you know, feel and see my worth and I'm clear on my purpose. And, and then, you know, like I was talking about in the car with my dad, and then you get in, you go and see your family or you get in front of your boss, or you get in front of that one friend that is always kind of making those digs at you. And it all goes out the window. And there's a part of you that's like watching it all go out the window. Sometimes, sometimes you're just in your trigger and you lost it. Right. But a lot of times you're like, fart, like, why am I not able to hold on to it in those

higher stakes situations? And so I want to hear your take on that. But I also want to say that that's one of the things I really like about your book is because it really focuses, and I know that's been a challenge for you, it's been a challenge for me, it really focuses on like, really in practice, holding that internal reference. That's so true. It is, that's really why I wrote this book, is how can we remember who we really are in the midst of these corsets that try to use these fear-based paradigms to say you have to be conditional? How can we really live in unconditional love of ourselves?

That's why I wrote it. And you're a beautiful writer. She's one of the most organized thinkers. I mean, I any of us, any of our circle that we're writing things or writing books, we always go to Andrea because she's got this beautiful way of organizing. You know, that's one of the keys, obviously, one of the most important anyone can kind of teach or say important things. But to be able to organize it in a way where people can really digest it and articulate it and the way that it's organized is really beautiful as well. So I thank you. I thank you for writing the book. I thank you for teaching and I thank you for committing to this work yourself. I thank you

for being my sole love friend and for coming on the show. And if people want to learn more, you can buy kicking ass in a corset anywhere where you buy books. Yeah. I want this to be a bestseller. So buy it, buy it, buy it. I usually read on Kindle, but I bought it just so I could contribute somehow. Oh, thank you. And Kindle Kindle counts. Yeah, but I just wanted, I did, I bought it on Kindle and in person. And thank you for all your inspiration and support. Of course. Oh, you wrote it to your mama.

I didn't even realize that you. Yeah, that was a big kind of coming out for me. And that's something you and I also share. Yeah. Bringing out our woo-woo, which you definitely do in this book in a beautiful way. Our mothers who are guiding us. I know they are. And if people want to learn more about you,

is there a website? Is there places they can, are there places they can go online, you know, on social media? Tell us your stuff. Yes, they can go to andreakane.com and Kane spelled K-A-Y-N-E. So if you go to Andrea Kane, A-N-D-R-E-A-K-A-Y-N-E.com, right? You can find information on the book. You can find her events. She does seminars, right? Doing a lot of really cool stuff. Seminars, courses, all sorts of fun things. And we're all going to learn to kick ass in our corsets and also just like untie those mofos and get them off of us. Get rid of the corsets all together. Bring back the shoulder pads for God's sake. Thank you, Andrea. I love you. Love you so much, Laura. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

All right, if you have a topic you want us to cover or you have some comments about this topic, you can always reach me on languageoflovepod.com. You can find a way to leave a voicemail. There's a link to a voicemail as well as email questions. And I will see you next time on the Language of Love. Thank you. We'll see you next time. the money. Learn more at Bloomberg.com.