Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Life and Love After Herpes

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Even though 1 in 4 people have Herpes, 80% of those who have it don’t even know it! Yet despite how common it is, I still find that a diagnosis with Herpes sends people reeling, all too often fills them with shame, and even keeps them stuck in unhealthy relationships they would otherwise leave if they didn’t feel like “damaged goods.” In this Language of Love Bite I’m getting into it with you; the precautions to take to prevent transmission , ways to bring it up in a new relationship and methods to manage it. Most of all we get into the fact that this is simply a skin condition and not a death sentence for your love or sex life!    Are you ready to learn how to protect yourself and the ones you love, release the shame and step into your sexual power? Well this episode is for you!  Visit Dr. my website and check out my books on love, sex and relationships. Be sure to tune in regularly to The Language of Love for great discussions and thought-provoking conversations with accomplished individuals and experts offering invaluable advice on how to love and be loved better.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Sex after herpes. Boy, I get that question so often from people. And here's the thing that breaks my heart. I have talked mostly to women, but I've talked to so many women

who, after a herpes diagnosis, feel like such damaged goods, incorrectly, feel like such damaged goods, that they will stay in a toxic relationship or in an abusive relationship because they feel like no one else is going to want them if they have herpes. So in this episode, I'm going to be sharing with you really what a herpes diagnosis is and why it's not as big of a deal as you think, but also sharing with you how to handle it in your dating life if you're single, as well as how to avoid transmitting it from one person to another and avoid outbreaks. Okay, so let's talk about herpes diagnosis. There's two types of herpes, HSV-1 and HSV-2. One is the fever blisters, the kind that's oral herpes, and two is genital

herpes. And there's several different strains, but that's the general gist of it. Now, here's what you need to know. Oral doesn't just stay on the mouth. It can be transmitted to the genitals. So someone can have HSV-1 on their genitals and they can have HSV-2, the genital type, on their mouth. You can imagine how that happens through oral sex. So the primary way that herpes is transmitted is through direct contact when there is an outbreak, because that is when what's called viral shedding is the greatest. Herpes is herpes simplex virus. It is a virus. And unlike many other, not all sexually transmitted diseases, but unlike gyneorrhea or syphilis, where you can take medication and get rid of it for life with herpes, it is a virus that you have for life.

Now, some people, it kind of lodges in the spine, actually the virus, and then you can have outbreaks. Some people have herpes virus and don't get an outbreak their entire lives. Some people get one outbreak or two outbreaks or maybe get an outbreak every couple of years. Other people are getting an outbreak every month. And what it is, is painful blistery sores, usually on your mouth, which you've seen those fever blisters or on the genitals. And the tricky part is that lots of people have it, especially men, but even women, and they don't realize they have it. 80% of people who have herpes have no idea they have it. They just thought they were a little more rigorous than they should have been during sex or self-stimulation. There are a few little

cuts or sores there. It hurts a little bit. It's irritated, whatever. It goes away and they don't think anything of it. The first herpes outbreak, when one first contracts it, you have flu-like symptoms as well. But then after that, every other outbreak is usually, you know, mild on the flu like symptoms, but the sores can last, you know, for one to two weeks in some cases. We'll get to in a little bit how to manage it. But here's what I really want you to know for sure. It's a skin condition, guys. One in four people have herpes. That is 25% of the population have herpes. 80% of them have no idea they have herpes. It can only be diagnosed through a blood test. And most like STD panels, you have to request that they look for herpes because they won't necessarily

even test for that, but they can test for it if you ask them. So I hear from a lot of people is that like all of a sudden they'll get an outbreak for maybe the first time or the first time they notice they go to the doctor, they get diagnosed and they're like, oh, my partner must have cheated on me because now I have herpes. When in reality, they could have had herpes for years before they even met their partner. And this just happens to be an outbreak, the first outbreak or the outbreak they notice. So just because you suddenly get herpes, it could mean that your partner cheated on you, but it doesn't necessarily guarantee that your partner cheated on you. But the main thing to know is that this is a skin condition. It is a normal skin condition.

And, you know, we don't want it, obviously, and it can be painful and uncomfortable and embarrassing, but it is by no means a death sentence to your romantic life or your love life or your sex life. So... New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with the Coffee Plus range. Infused with functional benefits.

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Let's talk about how to manage a herpes diagnosis, especially if you're single. I mean, if you're in a relationship, obviously you got to talk to your partner. You got to explain what I just said. If they're accusing you of cheating, that's not fair because you could have had this for years and had no idea. You can enlist your doctor's help if you need to and explaining that to your partner. but if you are single, this is when it gets tricky. Or if you've just left a relationship or want to leave a relationship and you're staying because you feel like no one else is

going to want to be with you because you have herpes, you are wrong. Because remember what I told you, not only do 25% of other people have it, but the majority of people, if it's handled in an effective way, really don't care. Sure, you will come across a few people that are like, gross and run away. But like who wants to be with those people anyway? So once you explain to them what the deal is and how you manage it, most people who are worth your time will be totally fine with it or will in fact have herpes themselves and be relieved that you brought it up. So here's how you bring it up. You're gone on a date or two or three. Maybe you've made out. There's clearly some attraction there. You have not gotten naked together yet. You have not had

sex yet. You say to this person, hey, listen, the way that I work is if I'm really attracted to someone and I would put you in that category and I think that I may eventually be sexual with them, then I like to talk about our sexual histories and any sexually transmitted infections we've had. So, you know, are you open to that? And then if they want to go first, they can go first or you can go first and you say, yes, I got tested and I do have herpes virus or herpes simplex two or one. You can get that specific. I'm under the care of a doctor. I get outbreaks this often, however often you tend to get them. And I'm managing it with the, in these ways, typically with medication, because there are medications that help prevent the virus from

outbreaking but also prevent any what's called viral shedding which is what transmits herpes and you explain to them what I'm about to explain to you in the majority of cases in order to transmit herpes I would have to have open sores so I am not sexual during those times that I do have outbreaks but I take medication that represses the outbreaks and prevents helps prevent viral shedding, which is shedding of the virus during times that I'm not having an outbreak. So the medication keeps the outbreaks from happening, makes the outbreak shorter when they happen and helps prevent viral shedding of any sort.

So we should be totally fine, you know, if we have sex anytime, you know, we'll obviously we can use protection. But by the way, condoms will not protect you from herpes because especially because it's around the labia and sometimes even around the perineum, the area between the vagina and the anus. So, you know, those areas or on the scrotum, right? So those areas are not covered. All the areas that can have herpes sores on them are not covered by a condom.

So condoms, while they will protect you from gyneorrhea and syphilis and even HIV, they will not protect you from herpes. Double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on Nespresso.com. If you have herpes, you are in fact at greater risk for other sexually transmitted infections, including HIV, because of those open sores, which are entry points for the HIV to get into your system, into your bloodstream. So you just have to be extra careful, especially during those periods of outbreak.

And to prevent getting herpes, obviously you want to know about your, if you don't already have it, is to know about your partner's history, but also check it out down there. It's amazing to me how many people have sex without looking at the person's genitals that they're about to have sex with. You can do it kind of casually and sensually and sexually. You don't have to get down there with a magnifying glass and a flashlight. You can kind of work your way down there and check it out and make sure you don't see any sores open sores or blisters or warts down there right like make sure as much as you can but that

is not foolproof right knowing your partner's sexual history both of you getting tested for sexually transmitted infections and knowing what you're dealing with is the only way to be fully informed so you have to know that just not seeing something doesn't mean that it's not there but it's certainly at least a way, a safeguard that can help. So what can you do to manage herpes and prevent the outbreaks? Okay. You're going to go to a doctor, get a proper diagnosis and get on medication because there are medications that will help prevent the outbreaks, the length of the outbreaks. So the number of outbreaks, the length of the outbreaks and the viral shedding that happens. Number two, be aware that any foods rich in lysine. So some people take even lysine

supplements to help with weightlifting that will cause herpes outbreaks. If you have the virus as well, chocolate and alcohol and anything that represses your immune system. So if you, you want to make sure that you're getting a lot of iron rich foods, that you're taking care of immune support. And when you are repressed or when you're sick, you are going to be more likely to get an outbreak. So the times that most people get outbreaks are either when things are very wet and moist down there. So like they've been swimming and sitting in a wet bathing suit for a long period of time when they are highly stressed because of the way that negatively affects your immune system and causes inflammation, when they're drinking a lot of alcohol or eating a

lot of chocolate or eating or consuming things with a lot of lysine, all of those things will play a role in the number of outbreaks you have and how long they last. And certainly be under the care of a doctor and get on those medications that will help prevent outbreaks. New from Nespresso, Blend wellness into your coffee routine with the Coffee Plus range, infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins, like Coffee Plus B12 to help support immune function and Coffee Plus B6 to keep your day moving. Or go with the flow and choose Ginseng Delight, our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you.

Discover Coffee Plus on Nespresso.com. So there you go. There's your guide to living a beautiful, loving sexual life, which you absolutely can with herpes. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not a reason to stay anywhere you don't want to be. And please know that the majority of people not only probably already have herpes, and you do have to be careful of that because remember I said there's different strains.

So just because you both have herpes, you still want to use those safeguards I talked about. But not only do they probably have herpes, but they probably don't care. And if they do, screw them. All right. If you have any other questions, you can always ask them. Go to languageoflovepod.com where you can ask questions via voicemail or email. You can also ask them in the comments section.

I am always here to help you out, help you learn to love and be loved better. I went to the doctor, said I'm crazy for your love. Roll me a prescription. Where some see heroes and others see egos, Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes. A fad to some, the future of money to others. We see crypto's trillion-dollar swings. the end of jobs

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