Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Monogamy Ain't Natural

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

Lifelong monogamy can be quite a challenge in our world today. We're living longer, our needs are evolving, and there are so many different factors at play. You see, we humans are kind of wired to be what you could call "serially monogamous." It's like we're designed to form temporary relationships for the purpose of raising children. And interestingly, this ancient instinct still seems to influence our modern relationships. Just look at the stats – divorce rates tend to spike when the youngest child is about 2 or 3 years old. It's a complex topic that's worth exploring, and that's exactly what we'll do in this Language of Love bite. While monogamy may not be our natural state, it's a choice that many of us make for various reasons. Whether it's for the sake of raising children, maintaining stability, or simply because of personal preference, monogamy requires effort and commitment. But with the right approach, it's a choice that can lead to fulfilling and lasting relationships. Visit my website to explore my range of books and courses on love, sex, and relationships, and be sure to tune in regularly to the Language of Love podcast for thought-provoking discussions and invaluable advice aimed at helping you love and be loved better. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. So I got a secret for you. Monogamy is not only not easy, it's not really natural. What we now know, and evolutionary psychiatrists and anthropologists have been saying this for a

while now, is that we actually evolved as humans to be what's called serially monogamous. There was something called the sex contract. That's what the anthropologist Helen Fisher calls it. We're basically, if we're talking about heterosexual relationships, and there's always since the beginning of time been at least 10% of the population, if not more, who are not heterosexual. But for those who experience themselves and identify as heterosexual, when we were cave people, right, and just starting to walk upright, what happened is that for women and men, our pelvises had to narrow in order to go from all fours to upright walking. Right. And now we're walking around the planet. But for women, we gestated for a much shorter time when

we were pregnant. OK, so we started to have our babies after nine months so they could fit through the birth canal once our hips had narrowed. And because we started having babies much sooner, they were much more dependent unlike apes you know we couldn't just throw them on our back and they could hold on and we could go about our business right we had to carry them we had to hold their heads up we had to really nurture them so ancient cave women when they had a first of all being pregnant at all it's not like there were hospitals around or c-sections it was extremely dangerous and most women didn't survive childbirth and if they did survive it they were very very vulnerable at least for the first couple of years because they couldn't necessarily survive on their

own. So the women who were the gatherers in the hunter-gatherer society, a big part of their role was gathering the nuts and berries that were key to the tribe's sustenance, forming those social connections that were key to their survival. And when she had an infant, she had to carry around her infant as she was doing that and was much more vulnerable. So the sex contract evolved. That she would find the man, the best hunter in the tribe that she could get, who was going to bring home the biggest piece of meat, and they would make this kind of, I'm not saying they wrote this out as a contract, maybe they did carve it out, I don't know, but they would make this contract with each other, this agreement, where she would basically say to him,

I'm going to have your baby, you can be guaranteed that I'm not having sex with anyone else, So this baby is definitely your genes being passed on to future generations. OK, and so she would be monogamous with him so that he would know that no one else was the father, because in exchange, right, he was being monogamous with her in terms of the resources. He wasn't going to be hunting for anyone else. He wasn't going to be protecting anyone else. And that arrangement would last anywhere between two to three years until the baby was able to go

on her back and she could go back to her regular life and she was done breastfeeding. Then they would part and go on to eventually form new parabons. And that was the sex contract. I will only have sex with you in exchange for you only giving your resources to me. And it was serial monogamy. And the irony, the really fascinating part is when Helen Fisher looked at the data, at divorce data around the world, not just in America, around the world, the highest divorce rate is when the youngest child reaches around two or three years old and is more self-sufficient, is done breastfeeding, and can at least metaphorically hop on its mama's back, right? And she's much she's able to go about her business more and isn't doesn't have a dependent infant at home.

So it's kind of fascinating that our monogamous relationships do start to go into risk. And many believe that's what the seven year itch is really about, because by seven years, most couples have had at least one, if not several children where the youngest has reached that age where they're much more self-sufficient. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level

sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. So monogamy for life was actually developed during the farming, when we started farming, because when we started farming, people stayed put. We weren't migrating tribes anymore. People started to stay put on their land and they needed to commit to that land and they needed to have children that were going to help on that land. So it became these nuclear families that were working the land and running the farm. It was also a religious institution that started around the same time, Monogamy for Life. And back then, when Monogamy for Life was first created,

life typically didn't last more than 50 years. Today, the average lifespan is actually around 100 years. But back then, if you were 50, it was the equivalent of 95. Today, you were a real old-timer and not likely to live much longer. So monogamy for life wasn't that long of a time. Today, monogamy for life is a really long time, first of all. Second of all, we still have that DNA instinct, that evolutionary instinct for serial monogamy. And yet we're working against that instinct. Now, I'm saying all this to you as a tried and true monogamist who has been monogamous with my husband for 20 plus years. I love monogamy. But it's also to highlight the fact that it doesn't come naturally. And so often we think that it's just about getting married and

then we live happily ever after. Well, that's when the work begins. Now, I'm not saying that your entire relationship should be hellish work, but I am saying that if you want monogamy for life, it takes commitment, it takes work, and it takes constantly re-evaluating, rehashing, and renegotiating your relationship because both of you are growing and changing and your needs are growing and changing in terms of your relationship and in terms of your sexual needs. So monogamy for life is absolutely doable and in my opinion, a beautiful thing and a beautiful goal, but it does not come naturally to us. So it does require commitment and work. If you want more information on this or anything else, I'm always here for you, helping you learn to love and be

loved better.