Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Out Of Your Mind, Into Your Body with Annmarie Chereso

Episode Date: December 6, 2023

The idea of “masculine” and “feminine” goes way beyond gender. We all have masculine and feminine within us, we just lean in one direction or another. The energies of the masculine is more directive, organized and containing. The feminine is more emotional, creative and flowing.   In this Language of Love Conversation, I'm joined by my good friend, transformational coach AnnMarie Chereso. Together, we're exploring the intriguing dynamics of masculine and feminine energies within relationships. AnnMarie, with her expertise in guiding personal transformations, is here to offer valuable insights into how understanding and balancing these energies can significantly influence the quality of our connections with others. AnnMarie's wisdom promises to shed light on the mysteries surrounding these energies, providing a thoughtful perspective on navigating relationships with heightened awareness and deeper connection. We unpack: The transformative power of choosing love over fear and how it can positively impact your relationships How tuning more deeply into your feminine energy as a woman can bring balance and harmony to your love life Why receptivity is crucial in creating fulfilling and meaningful connections How your romantic partnerships can become powerful tools for personal growth and healing Steps you can take to move out of fear, especially in relationships If you're ready to unlock the secrets of masculine and feminine energies and create a love life that's truly fulfilling, check out AnnMarie’s courses on her website! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the past 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Here on the Language of Love Conversations, I'm talking to some of the world's most influential and revolutionary experts, thought leaders, spiritual teachers, and celebrities about love, sex, and relationships from a mind, body, and spirit perspective. And that way, my goal is to awaken your mind, body, and soul. It's time to become fluent in the language of love.

Anne-Marie Toreso is a transformational coach, meditation teacher, and mystic. Also happens to be a longtime soul friend of mine and fellow traveler in building better love, transformation, and raising of consciousness. and she has been diving in her work into the idea of the feminine and the masculine and how that expresses in all relationships but especially love relationships and in particular we get into in this episode how to start beginning to understand when you are trying to call love in or have your partner show up differently if you are reacting and calling and connecting from a state of empowered love or fear, because very often we don't know the difference.

So we're getting into that, into the common mistakes that we repeat again and again and again and how to end that cycle. And we also get into how to cultivate more masculine and feminine power in your love life. So I hope you enjoy this episode with my beloved Anne-Marie Cherezo. Anne-Marie Cherezo is not only a transformational coach and meditation teacher and a mystic, but she also, full disclosure, is a really old friend who I don't get to talk to enough and who has so much wisdom to share. And in particular, she's been talking a lot about a subject that is very near and dear to my heart and something that I think you'll recognize as something that I talk to you guys about a lot. So we're going to get into that. But first,

I want to say hello to Anne-Marie. Hello, love. How are you? I'm good. It's good to see you. It's good to speak to you. It's good to be with you. No, it's good to see your face. And like there's lots of texting and voice memory and going back and forth, but it's fun to be face to face with our friends these days. Yeah. And we don't do that enough. So we're going to kind of be starting off or branching off from this particular topic, which is the thing that I was saying I try to get into. And you have a really beautiful take on this, but this idea of what it is to be in your healthy feminine

or what I like to call your divine feminine. You know, we hear a lot about being your feminine. And if you want a man who's in his masculine, we're gonna talk about what the hell that is too, healthy masculine, because polar opposites do attract. That doesn't mean we have to be completely opposite, it. But all of us have masculine and feminine within us. Some of us lean more toward one side or the other of the continuum. And then on top of that, there's sort of the being fully in your

masculine on one side of the continuum and being fully in your feminine on the other side of the continuum. And then there's the layer of being fully in your masculine or feminine or somewhere in between on that continuum in a healthy way or an unhealthy way, right? And so one of the things that I know you write about and talk about is how in today's culture, because women are so completely drained and depleted and overstressed and overtaxed with all the stressors and dramas of life and trying to maintain a lifestyle or tuitions or work or whatever it is that they're trying to do outside of the house and manage way too much in the house and blended families and extended families and caring for their partners and all the other things that we are doing

leave us so drained and also so disconnected. And we're within what you call, and I agree with you, but I want you to drill down a little bit more into this with us, an outdated and insufficient patriarchal model. So what do you mean when you talk about the, I understand the outdated and insufficient one, but tell us about the patriarchal model and then let's use that as a launching off point into this discussion of what it is to really be in your healthy feminine or masculine. It's such a big inquiry and it's one that there's a million doorways we can go through in my opinion to enter. But I think this idea of what is the patriarchal model, full disclosure, I've been exploring this in my own life and my own relationship.

As you know, there's lots of down in my world that's really had me looking at like, what is this, this matrix that I've been living in this patriarchal matrix that I've been living in and not only living in, but like oppressed in. And there's been a lot of conversation. I have a 22-year-old daughter who, you know, is like down with the patriarchy and up with the feminism, you know, and like, there's this whole like anti-patriarchal model that we've been looking at. And then I started to look at like, well, what actually are we moving towards?

Yeah. Know what we're all pushing against, but I'm actually more interested in like, what am I moving towards? And so I started getting really curious about like the opposite of patriarchy. and I started investigating the matriarchy. Like what exactly is that? And I found that this idea of what the matriarchy is, which is not at all the reversal of the patriarchy. It's not like women ruling over men, whereas the patriarchy is men ruling over women. So that's like this common misinterpretation, but matriarchies are like mother-centered societies, like long, long

ago. Oh, yeah. We were all, before we became industrialized or before farming, basically, we were matriarchal societies. And that, by the way, did not mean that the women controlled everything, but they were valued and they were empowered and they had a very strong say. There's voices where it's equally honored and is strong. Yes. And in some cases, more so than the men's. Yeah, it was like we were in co-equal partnership with one another. And so we valued each other equally.

So women were perceived as goddesses. We gave life. Like we have this power that men don't have. They revered that. But somehow that got lost. And the thing that I think is really important that I've been really embodying is that our men have gotten lost in the patriarchy, too. Oh, yeah. They're disconnected. And I disagree. I called myself a feminist since I was 10 years old. I've fought for girls' and women's rights. But what I've never fought for and what I find myself fighting against more and more, especially as a woman who loves men and as a mom of three boys, is being an empowered woman does not mean demeaning and diminishing men or making men wrong because they've been as misled as we have.

It's not like little boys are born rubbing their hands together. Oh, we have to be part of the patriarchy. They're not even conscious of a way of operating in the world that they've been taught to expect and that this is how it is. And it isn't questioned until conversations like this start happening. Yes. And so they're equally disempowered, right? So empowerment in the way that I like to describe it and the way it lands as true for me is true connection to our heart. When we're fully in our heart space, when we're operating from that place, we are deeply, deeply connected to source and we have everything we need. So when we're in our heart center, truth is always available to us and there's no sense of disempowerment. But because men have been disconnected from their heart space and women have been disconnected from their heart space, we're now operating from all these places of fear in literal disconnection. It is uneasy when you're not connected, right? When you're not connected to your power source, you feel out of balance. And so I think what's really being called forward is this invitation for women to reconnect, to really land in their power center and bring harmony back again. And that is going to happen through the feminine.

So like masculine and feminine, as you know, because you talk about this all the time, exists in both men and women. So it's not like women hold feminine and men hold masculine. And some men are much more feminine than masculine. And some women are much more masculine and feminine. It doesn't matter what your identity is. You can be male, female, pan, trans. You tend toward one end of a continuum. And these are energies. They're not gender when we talk about masculine and feminine. It's not about gender. It's about, I wish it had different names like Lulu and Lala, and it didn't like even refer to gender because it's kind of irrelevant, but instead of masculine and feminine, but let's, let's drill down into that a little bit.

When we're talking about being in your healthy masculine to start with, and I know both being in your healthy masculine or feminine, as you just said, starts by centering in the heart, right and and taking heart-centered actions and speaking from the heart and speaking truth and speaking being in integrity but how would you describe you know because i talk to women all the time who are looking for love and looking for healthy love and they are really want to attract a man who is in his healthy masculine which we're going to describe in a minute but they are because we live in a patriarchal world and in a world that values the masculine more than the feminine, they have learned that in order to be successful and even successful,

certainly in business or in work, they have been subtly and sometimes more overtly taught that the way to do that is to be more in your masculine. So before we even dive into that part, I could wax on about this, but I want to invite you to about how you would describe the masculine and how you would describe the feminine as the Lulu and Lala version of it, not the gender version of it, the energetic expression of masculine and feminine? Well, I think this is a really good question. And I think it's a good inquiry for anyone listening in to answer it for themselves as you and I are talking about it. The way I relate to it, you can see I closed my eyes. I have to go in and see. I've been so heavily in my masculine trying to keep up. So I don't know

about you for decades. And so I'm super related to the masculine. The masculine is like assertiveness and it's linear and it's directive and there's a plan and it's like there's structure in the masculine. That's beautiful. Like it's absolutely beautiful. But if it's not in union with the principles of the feminine, which are flow, which are ease, which is, you know, I'm even moving. I'm like, yeah, my body. Well, it's interesting watching you sway back and forth because the way that I try to describe this as a metaphor to people is that the masculine is like the riverbank that directs the flow, that sets the container, that creates the boundaries, that sets the parameters. And the feminine is the water that is flowing and moving and changing and tides and

waves and forms and creative providing life for all the creatures within it, right? That's kind of the feminine versus masculine in a metaphor. And we need both. The way we're describing it, We obviously, the river doesn't exist without the bank and the bank is just a cliff without the river. So we need both. And we also need the direction and the plan, but we also need the receptivity, right? So if we're talking about love and especially attracting healthy love in and calling healthy love in, to me, there's the piece of the feminine that is really missing for a lot of women

that are wanting to call this in is that receptivity piece, because in the masculine, you're going after something, you're setting things up and you don't even need, that doesn't mean that on a date, you like call them 12 times and say, where are we going to meet? You know, or whatever, like it doesn't have to be that overt. It can just be subtle and energetic, right? But it's a very different energy when you're like, let's get this done. How many kids do you want? Versus I am in faith that I am lovable and I am not in fear and I am open to receive and I deserve all the love in the world simply because I am this divine being just like we all are. And I am going to open, like the flower opening, I'm going to open from the heart

to receive. That's a very different energy. And it is a different energy. And I would say It's like our life's work is getting to that energy and embodying that as truth so we can get there through the head. You and I can say this all day long, and I can tell people that, and I could tell myself that, and you could tell yourself that. But if we're not embodying that, then we're going to find ourselves squirming. We're going to not feel really solid in that. And that's okay.

I want to affirm to anyone listening out there, that's a perfectly beautiful starting point when we know the difference between when we're fully embodied in our divine feminine and trust, like this deep sense of trust, and when we're feeling a little wonky and on our train. Yes. And that's when we start falling back on those less healthy coping mechanisms, when we start feeling wobbly or scared or whatever. I know you talk about discernment. Discernment is such a big deal to me as a recovering codependent because it's something we lack and have to develop, but discernment of healthy love and someone's capacity for healthy love that you may be in relationship with or exploring relationship with. And the difference

between discerning between being in a state of healthy love or the potential for healthy love versus when you may be unconsciously in a reactive state of fear that you think is love or attraction. And I'm wondering if you can dive into that a little bit. Sure. Because I think I've spent most of my life in an unhealthy relationship to love. So how much time do you have? I can attest to that as the witness. They weren't all unhealthy, but well, you know. Like until we know we don't know. Right. So I want to celebrate all of us out there who are like jumping in the pool and trying to.

Yeah, I've done it a million times. Well, not a million times, many times, including with my ex-husband. So I get it. Yeah. And I'm sure even now you're still learning or at least I am. I'm still. I am for sure. I've got a very masculine man I've been married to for 21 years. And it took me years until I really started my codependence recovery to figure out, and I still test it and play with it, but to figure out how to be in my femininity and my feminine power from a heart centered place, you know, that doesn't come up and like, like a wall against him, but also isn't a codependent backdoor manipulation, you know, it's a fragile balance. It is a fragile balance. And I think the thing that I had to come to terms with was that whatever

outcome reveals itself when I'm truly in my power, that if this relationship collapses and ends, that's perfect. And if it doesn't, it's perfect. But I think what happens to us in the masculine or the feminine is that when we're attached to the relationship sustaining itself, regardless of anything happening, we lose our power. We have to be willing to let it go. And it's our attachments that take us out of our power because when we're in our power, we know nothing can hurt us. Safety and security are always available to us inside the relationship or outside the relationship. And that this relationship, I experience a sense of expanded freedom that no matter what's happening, I am okay. And I can let it go. If it's no longer serving me,

I can hold my boundaries without fear of, you know, any kind of push. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the fear part. I do this thing with my husband and he didn't know until he was watching me talk to a big group of people. I didn't realize I'd never told him, but I thought I had, but I told it to the publicly to this group of people, what I was doing, what he was aware of is that every morning for maybe seven to 10 years, we give each other, he comes down before me usually, and then I come downstairs and then we give each other like this 30 second hug. And obviously he's aware of that's happening. He's game, he loves it, whatever. But what he didn't evidently realize is that during that time, I am intentionally saying to myself,

I'm choosing you today. And that's where it started for me all those years ago is that I am in choice. I am choosing to be with this man every single day. And the only reason I have, I am in choice is because I know that as much as it might suck and I'd curl up, it's not like it'd be easy peasy. And I'd go skipping off into the sunset if everything suddenly fell apart, but I would be okay. You know, it would sting for a while. I'd curl up into a ball for a while, but I would be fine. And I think that's what you're saying is that in the fear piece, our discernment for what's okay and what's not okay, where do I want to set a boundary and where am I willing to set a boundary in service to my wholeness and where I am not, who am I ignoring

the red flags around or accepting behavior that isn't in alignment with me or not can be skewed when we are afraid of losing the relationship. Yeah. When we're afraid of losing the relationship, we are basically in prison, right? So we're imprisoned by the relationship. We don't have freedom. So now we don't feel free to be fully expressed. We lose sight of who we truly are because we're in the background scrambling, trying to be whatever we think the relationship wants of us, rather than standing in the power of this is who I am and can the relationship come meet me there. And then when we do that, we're an invitation for our partner to rise up and meet us and then be the same. But I think what happens in relationship is we start to get into these,

we get it, we repeat our patterns. We just keep repeating it over and over again. Then it becomes familiar. Then we just get into a rut and we keep doing the same thing. And then we become like moderately content. Yeah. This is fine. You know, we're sort of like living on the surface. It's just fine, but there's not, nothing's like stirring us. Nothing's waking us fully up or keeping us fully alive. Because you've had to squelch so much of yourself in order to stay in alignment with the reality of the relationship as it is. And we're afraid to rock the boat because we want to keep the status quo because we don't want to disrupt whatever it is that's occurring. And you know that, you know, in my first marriage, I had to blow up my whole life

to welcome something new. And that was not an easy path, but it was not easy. No, it was not or fun, but I knew there was like, no fun was had in that blow up. No, there was none of it. But loads of learning. I learned so much on the other side of it. And I learned where my power really lied. I learned what I was really and truly available for. I learned that I could survive just about anything. And I learned to trust life and myself. And that was the greatest gift of all, because I had this voice inside me that was screaming, that I just kept squashing, something in me said, no, listen, no, listen, no, listen, follow me. I know where to take you. I know where. Yeah. That's our ego, right? That wants to keep us

safe. That wants to keep the status quo that wants to prevent us from stepping outside the box of what's known. You know, that's what it does. It's interesting. Cause in, I was just saying to someone the other day and you know my husband who is an amazing beautiful soul but you know he's got his opinions and he can be you know he could argue he's not a lawyer but he could probably successfully argue in the supreme court like he's impossible to quote unquote you know win a debate with if you wanted to argue with him what i have found looking back on our 21 years especially over the past 10, is that I have changed the rules on him at least seven times. I am so completely different than the woman he married and signed up to spend his life

and what he thought he was getting. And each time I have thought, oh, I don't know if he's going to be able to rise to this one. We'll see. But I am willing. I am willing because this is who I am. This is, I can't not be in integrity with myself. So this is what's happening. And, oh, we'll see if he can do this or not. And then that will tell whether I can stay in the relationship or not. Like this is obviously, I'm not articulating that in the conversations with him. And by the way, if you can't hang with this, I'm out of here. But inside myself, I'm aware of that. And that's when you're leaning into your masculine structure, right? You're like standing in integrity, like the river of who you are, giving him the opportunity

to be in his feminine flow. Like, I don't know if I'm going to go there. And he does each time he shocks me and I should stop being shocked, but each time he rises to the, and each time I'm thinking, oh, this is going to be the straw. Like, I don't even know. and each time as I'm in integrity and clarity and he doesn't even, you know, it's not like he's trying to fight me on it and undo it. But as I'm clear and integrity and just like moving forward with it, like you can stay on this train or get off. It is the energy of it. That's not what I'm

literally saying, but you're saying I'm that clear being that. Yeah. Like this is it. And if you don't like it, I don't know what to tell you. I hope you do. It's kind of what it is. I want you to. I love you. I want you to. But it's OK if you can't. It's kind of the energy of it. And each time he shows up, which just is so beautiful. And I'm so grateful. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual

response to the next level, capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the quantum sex free course. Check it out and let me know what you think. You've become the invitation for him to ride. And I think that's what's being called forward in like our individual relationships right now, but out in the world, like the Dalai Lama said, the Western woman's going to change the world. Like we do need to rise into our power in that way so that our men can actually collapse into us sometimes too, because they've been holding

the patriarchal structure. They've been holding up those riverbanks. They have been by themselves. And they're exhausted too. And they, they need a safe place to land. Like, again, it's co-equal partnership where we both know how to divinely be in harmony with the masculine and feminine energies within, and then know when to pull those out. Like, all right, this is what's being called for. Like, you know, you're a mother of three boys. You know, when to call on that masculine energy, when there's a no and you're, you know, the hammer's coming down. And then, you know, when they're going to put their head in your lap and you're just going to rub their head. Like, you know, the call on those two energies. And so that's a real mastery of the masculine and feminine in each. Yeah. And for many of us, it's so much easier to do with our kids. That's a beautiful example than it is in our relationships because our love relationships, because our love relationships are, I mean, not that our relationship with our children isn't also deeply informed by our own wounds. I mean, we could go on for hours about that. But I think in some ways, even more so or less consciously, like I think we all tend to parent if we are a parent the way we wish we were parented, if we're at all conscious. but we don't tend to love and call the kind of love in that we wish we had gotten. We tend to call in the love we're used to. We tend to be attracted to people that are going to wound us the same way we've been wounded, whether it's through abandonment or rejection or betrayal

or whatever, or abuse. Familiar and comfortable. Yeah. And then we think, oh, I feel like I've known you all my life. Well, you have because they're basically your parents or whoever hurt you when you were little. Therein lies the gift, right? Because this is our do-over. So I look at my husband now and I'm like, you are my mother and my father. It starts downloading. I'm like, there's all of those places where I get a do-over. I get to go and practice adulting myself where I didn't know how to do that when I was five, six, seven, and my parents didn't know what they were doing either. And so there's no problem here.

No one's doing anything wrong. It's just, we get trapped in fear. We get trapped in patterns. And then we don't know how to call forward our mature feminine masculine and attract mature feminine masculine. So we're back there stuck in our childlike selves, kind of like, what the hell's wrong here? Why can't I get back to bed?

Well, so I know you have a course called Drop the Drama, which is such a cute name, but it really is sort of that idea of stepping into creating more empowerment in your life and making these decisions and getting clear on your needs from a place of empowerment versus fear. But just for the sake of this, we're going to put the link to the course and to Anne-Marie's stuff on the show notes. But for the purposes of this conversation, what kind of steps or advice can you offer someone who really wants to move out of fear, is in a situation that is making them unhappy? So maybe they're single and they keep dating people that ghost them or mistreat them or they can't find healthy love. Or maybe they're currently in a relationship where their partner is not showing up for them the way they want. They aren't getting their needs met and they're listening to this and they're like, oh, shit, you know, this resonates with me.

I'm definitely not in choice here or I'm definitely repeating old patterns. And what would you say are some of the first steps to moving beyond the fear back into the heart, like tangible things that people can begin to do, and maybe a little sampling of what you teach in your course? There's a couple of things that come forward for me as you ask that question. So the course is called Drop the Drama, and I walk people through this first. To me, the single most important thing we can do is get more acquainted with our ego or in our personality, our belief structures, and that all starts in the mind. So I believe

there's like five pillars of wholeness starting in the mind and then going to the body and the emotions, then our spirit or our soul, and then our energetics. But we have to get through the layer of the mind. The course addresses that piece. It helps women and human beings answer this question, where am I? Like, where's my starting point? Because when we know where we're starting, we actually can create a roadmap to where we want to go, but we have to know ourselves more deeply and we have to understand our conditioning and our programming. So how do you help them do that? Do you ask, I mean, is it through questions? Is it through, you're going to unpack all this. We don't have to do this now in the course, but I'm just thinking

like practically speaking, right? I'm listening to this right now, or I'm listening, but obviously I'm talking for someone else listening. And I'm thinking, okay, I'm curious about the course, of course. Of course, I'm curious about the course. But what is something I can do today? And I have an idea I can offer, but I want to see what you have to offer. Because I know I'm putting you on the spot. But what is something I can do right now as I look at my relationship, or even just a decision I'm making, or something I want to address in my relationship where I can discern if this want or need or reaction in me is coming from my heart or from my fear? Okay, great question. So the quick answer is let your trigger lead you to the

truth. So I say all our triggers are here for a catalyst for our own healing and growth. And so So when you're in a triggered and reactive state, the first thing, first thing is don't bypass your triggers. So say you're having an argument with your spouse or one of your kids or your mother-in-law, it doesn't really matter. And you're triggered. And explain what you mean by trigger because people think different things. So triggers don't happen in the head.

They start in the body. So if you have a contraction in the body, you want to quickly know I'm in a state of fear right there. my limbic brain is online. There's some threat occurring to my ego. And my job is to turn my attention inward toward me, not take that energy of fear or threat and start directing it towards the other, the relationship. Now, I mean, that's taken me a hundred years to figure out about you, but this example is coming to mind. I think I'm going to just share it with you. Sure. So my husband, Kim, who, you know, he and I were having an argument like we do.

It's the same argument we've been having for 15 years or whatever. It's like, it just shows up in different packaging. And I've been, I've been in this deep practice of like owning my own reactivity, owning my triggers. So we're, we're saying the same things. Topic is different, but we're saying the same things. And I just, I sat for a moment and I was just taking him in and I was watching him. He was really, really reactive. And I was just breathing and opening my heart. I was in heart coherence. And I was like, what, Emery, what are you afraid of right now? What are you afraid of? And I recognized, I don't even remember right now what I was afraid of because it goes away. It didn't even matter. And then all of a sudden,

my heart opened up and I just said, honey, what are you afraid of right now? And he just paused and he went really deep. He goes, I don't even know. And he was so triggered and he has some unhealed trauma from childhood. I feel like I'm running for my life. And all of a sudden, my entire body just surrendered. I recognized I was opening to my feminine because I was in my masculine energy arguing to be right. And I just said, oh my gosh, I don't ever want you to feel like you're running for your life. And like, I just started weeping, like tears just started flowing. Cause I thought I have been in this dynamic with him for God knows how many years and in the energy I'm bringing co-creates, it's not my fault, but it just happened.

Co-create and push a trigger where he feels like he's running for his life. Like I could actually I see it in his eyes that that was actually how he was feeling in his body. But you weren't able to see until you came back to your heart. I had to come back. Yeah. And then you could see. And that's why I always say the lens that we look through when we look at our partner, when we look at ourselves, when we look at our life is everything.

And when we are in our trigger, which is a state of fear, right? Where your body is either freezing or wanting to fight or wanting to flee or sometimes in the case of a codependent wanting to fawn, meaning that's okay, everything's fine, let's keep the peace, right? I've done that. Oh, listen, that was the first two thirds of my life. So you're in those states, right? And like you said, you feel that constriction in your body, you feel a density or a heaviness

in your chest or pain in your stomach. and you feel constriction and you feel reactive. You want to react. You either want to protect yourself or you want to be right, or you want to put them in your place, their place, or you want to run out of the room and, or you want to make them wrong and you be right. Right. Anytime you're convinced you're right and you need to prove the other person is wrong in order for you to be right. That's another example that you're in your trigger. Right. And so when you mentioned In coherence, I talk about this a lot on this show and also in my book about how to move into, I have all kinds of videos on social media about how to move into coherence. But when you are in

coherence, just so you guys understand when she mentions that, the electromagnetic fields of your brain and your heart are in alignment and your energy and your nervous system goes back to a state of peace. And from that place, you are no longer in fight, flight, fear, or fawn. You might still be intellectually thinking about the issue, right? Or aware of the issue or have strong opinions on the issue that you're dealing with, but you're not reacting from that triggered state. No, because you're in a state of homeostasis, you're at peace, and you're in that, you're connected to source again and you're in a state of trust. There's nothing to worry about here. Yeah. And your body knows that. And then that triggers the brain to change the lens

that you're looking. And you may still decide this person doesn't respect me, doesn't acknowledge my position. And I can make a decision about that one way or the other. Right. But you're making it from a place of power. And I'll just tell you quickly because you're listening and I don't want you to have to go and look at my Instagram or the other videos to just get the basics of how to move into coherence. I'll tell you real quick. This is a quick and dirty way to move your system into coherence. It takes literally three minutes. You can set the timer for three minutes. You breathe in through your nose for the count of four, out through your nose if you can't through your nose, through your mouth for the count of six. So in for four, out for six. While

you imagine someone or something you deeply love, appreciate, or feel grateful for. And it could be like I often, especially if I'm being triggered and want to move into coherence over something with my husband or my kids, one of my favorite things to think about is my dog, who I have pure, uncomplicated love and appreciation for. It could be anything like that. But envision that in your mind. Hold that while you breathe in for four, out for six, for three minutes, and then revisit whatever it was that you were thinking about. Or just do it as an experiment and notice the difference in your body even when you aren't in a triggered state. It is a very quick hack, so to speak, a really powerful hack to come into your heart

and be able to discern, be able to tell what is truth and what is not, what is moving from a state of power and what is not, what do I authentically want versus what my fear or ego brain wants. You can get so much clearer when you're in that state. And it's so accessible to us. It's literally three minutes. And I want to remind everyone listening, like we are gifted with this free will choice. We always have a choice to be in heart coherence, even if it feels difficult because our mind and our ego can get so attached and righteous, but it is a choice that we're making every given moment. So we, you know, we have to, you know, use the muscle to build, you know, the, the courage to drop into that

place because when, when I was in that triggered state with him, it was hard to shift. Oh yeah. I know. I was just in a triggered state this morning with someone we were communicating electronically, but I could feel myself and my husband, you know, was in the room and he looked at me, he's like, what's going on? And I was like, I can't talk about it. And he's like, I can tell by your face that, you know, he was basically saying you're in your trigger, But he's like, I can tell you're in your face by your face. It's pretty intense. And like, I would not stop. I could not stop. I mean, I wasn't evil and horrible to this person, but I responded to them from a place of anger and indignation in a way that I know they're not. Even as I was doing it, I knew they wouldn't be able to hear it because of the energy with which I was giving it because I've already experienced a million times how differently

people hear feedback when it's coming from coherence, a coherent state versus a reactive state. Even if you say the same words, it's interesting, but you definitely don't end up rarely saying the same words when you write an email or a text or speak from coherence versus your trigger. The words are usually very different. I was aware that it was happening and I was aware that she wasn't going to hear it, that it wasn't going to solve the problem because I was responding from this infuriated place. But I didn't give a shit. Like I just was like it was like I needed to do it.

And I knew, you know, that's so important. Like we have to give ourselves permission to just be what we are. Fuck up. Yeah. I mean, it's like just not I don't know. the fuck up. But like, to me, it's a fuck up to do that in my life because I know it's not a fuck up that I don't forgive myself with for I have grace about it. But like, that's not my normal state. This cut real deep. Did you know? Do you know what could you identify the threat? What was being threatened? Yeah. I mean, without getting into major politics, this was someone who basically had outed herself. She's a long term friend and colleague and had

outed herself as an anti-Semite because of what's happening in the world. And I had reached out to her and said, Hey, you know, that post you made while I understand, like really made me feel funny because of X, Y, and Z that is happening. And then that led to her basically disclosing her permit, her position. Threat was the relationship has to end or? The threat was she is this person who I trusted and that I betrayed. I was betrayed and collective generational trauma of the Holocaust was activated in my system. Here is someone who I considered a really good friend and a valued colleague who is now not only betraying me, but betraying me in a way. I'm okay with people having their own opinions, but betraying me in a way publicly that is engendering,

facilitating, and supporting openly more anti-Semitism. And when I tried to gently talk to her or communicate with her about it, she was really committed to her position and started spouting some of the usual anti-Semitic rhetoric that's happening. and more and more, unfortunately. And I, instead of pulling away, instead of moving into coherence, instead of giving her grace, because by the way,

I know that a lot of what she's doing is coming from her own trauma. She's lived through war. She's indoctrinated in many ways. It's not about her heart. I could hold grace for all of that, but I was also scared. And, you know, I'm in a state, I'm in a low grade state of fear these days anyway, because of what's happening in the world. And here is someone who I trust and respect and has a following using her platform to engender more hate. And she's someone I trusted.

So a lot of heartbreak, a lot of face. Yeah. So I just was like, fuck it. I got to get this out. And I wasn't like nasty, but I was writing and communicating from that place of reactivity, trail and fear. Yeah. And I think this is the whole game because it's, it's about all relationships. Like every one of our relationships is a catalyst for our, our healing and all we can do and all we could expect ourselves of as human beings is to know the difference between when we're reacting from a reactive triggered state and when we're in a state of love. That's all we can take responsibility for because as humans, that's what happens to us. Yeah. We get triggered. So I was working with a client this morning and he kept saying, he's like, what do I do? What do I do?

It's like trying not to get angry. I'm like, you have to accept your humanity. Like, it's okay to be angry. That's not a problem. Like, can you accept yourself? And if we can get into greater depths of acceptance of our own humanity, that would be the greatest gift to one another on the planet. Yeah, it would. And it's such a beautiful offering, guys. Check out Drop the Drama. We have the link in the show notes. You'll learn so much more about how to

identify what it feels like and looks like when you're in a state of love versus a reactive state of fear, getting aware of your programming conditioning that maybe set some of the stories and beliefs that don't serve you about love and about life and starting to heal some of those old patterns that are standing in the way of getting the love you most desire and how to really cultivate and step into your divine masculine and feminine. Is that a good summary, Anne-Marie? That's a great summary. Okay, good. like do you want to choose to live in an empowered state or a disempowered state and do you want to know the difference that's that's really the invitation and when we're living from an empowered

state we create magic in our lives yeah we sure do i have that experience it's just yeah it's a constant choice we have to make and then learning the tools to execute that choice because the first step is awareness. And then we need the help, which is why I'm excited about your course, for shifting so that we can see and react from that more heart-centered place. I think so many of us try and shift without really deepening into that awareness place. And then we wonder why we keep ending in that same circle. It's like to me, and I haven't taken your course yet, but to me, if I had to summarize in a meta away the three steps. It's awareness in the moment, giving yourself grace for the screwy

reactive place you're in, and then shifting to the heart and reacting from there. I say awareness, acceptance, and transform. It's like once you truly accept, like I did in that moment when I was recognizing, oh my gosh, he's just scared to death. Once I truly accepted that and that I was scared, then everything I, and we have never had that same interaction again, that dropped away. I've transformed that because now I'm recognizing the reactivity and I don't, I don't, you know, fall into that trap again. So it's, to me, it's, it's the most empowering thing we can do for ourselves and one another is really accept our reactivity, love it up and let it heal itself and shift it. Yeah. Beautiful. Thank you so much, my love for

joining us and for all the good you bring to the world and guys, make sure if you want, if they want to follow you on social media, I will put it in the show notes too, but tell us what your handle is at Anne-Marie Chireso. And my website is annemariechireso.me. And no one will be able to spell that by sound so you'll have to go to the show notes and find it okay good plan all right thank you for joining us I want to do is take you home with me I want to make a move I want to make a move But I'm too shy I can't fall asleep without your arms around me

I guess I'm falling in love Baby, you're my