Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Overcoming Codependency

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

Have you ever found yourself constantly prioritizing the needs of others while neglecting your own? Do you get anxious when those you care about are anxious or angry? Do you find arguments leave you contorted, desperately seeking forgiveness and acceptance from your partner? If this sounds like you or someone you love, its time to confront the possibility that you may be trapped in the clutches of codependency.  This Language of Love Bite, I dive into the complex world of codependency, its roots, its effects on our relationships, and the path to healing. The origin of codependency can be traced back to traumatic childhood experiences, such as being raised by an addict, a narcissist, or enduring emotional or physical abuse. These early life challenges often lead to "parentification," where children assume the emotional and sometimes physical responsibilities of caring for their parents, setting the stage for codependent behaviors later in life. Despite the challenges, I acknowledge the positive aspects of codependency, such as the innate desire to give and receive love. Join me in exploring these insights further and taking the steps toward healing and growth. In this Bite, I explain: Codependency as an addiction and a lifetime of recovery The role of traumatic childhood experiences in developing codependency Codependents' fear of abandonment and susceptibility to toxic partners The struggle to discern authentic love from manipulation The positive and manipulative elements of codependency How to heal from codependency through inner child work and setting boundaries The challenges codependents may face when setting boundaries and standing up for themselves Remember, if you're looking to enhance both your love life and sex life, whether you're in a relationship or not, I highly recommend checking out my free course on Quantum Sex.  Additionally, if you're seeking to break free from codependency, there are some valuable resources I suggest exploring. Co-dependents Anonymous is a great program that can provide the guidance you need. Another excellent resource is Melodie Beattie's influential book, "Codependent No More."  These resources can offer invaluable insights and support on your journey towards personal growth and independence. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Codependency, we hear so much about that. I am speaking to you as a therapist of 30 plus years, but also as a recovering codependent. And codependency is an addiction. It is a lifetime

of recovery and working on yourself and staying conscious. Because the basic essence of codependency, like many issues, whether it's narcissism or any other kind of addiction, quite frankly, it comes from a traumatic childhood. And it's typically the codependent was typically raised by an addict or a narcissist or experienced significant emotional abuse or neglect or physical abuse. Typically, the codependent is a parentified child, meaning that they had a lot of responsibilities emotionally and sometimes even quite literally for taking care of the parents instead of the reverse. And as a result, in love, in relationship, the stakes feel extremely high. The fear of abandonment controls everything. And if your

partner isn't okay, especially isn't okay with you, then you're not okay. So little arguments feel hugely relationship-risking. You're willing to bend yourself into a pretzel in order to get that person's love and acceptance, okay? And in relationship, codependents are very susceptible to narcissists, to toxic narcissists and to abusers. We are extremely prone to trauma bonding, meaning we are very attracted to the broken little birds, the people that we can fix, the people we can save, and the people who love-bomb us because we were never loved well enough, were never cared for well enough. So when a really smart narcissist comes and love-bombs us and tells us everything we ever wanted to hear about who we are and how worthy of love we are

and how safe we are and how well we're going to be loved and we're romanced and we're seen and we're attended to. I mean, that's seductive for anyone, but that's extremely seductive to the codependent. And part of the problem with a codependent when you're in an active codependency and really throughout your life is that your sniffer, your compass can be a little bit off because it's so primed to want acceptance and love and to have the, it's so outwardly oriented versus inwardly oriented, that you can start to lose sight or not even really be connected to your own truth. So it can be hard to smell or sniff out when someone is being really authentic in their attraction, love, and affection for you. And when it's a manipulation, you're not

necessarily going to have the best compass or intuition for sensing people's inadequacies when it comes to emotional inadequacies in love or manipulative nature, you won't necessarily sense that on them because you're prone to trauma bonding. So that's something that you have to be really aware of, okay? Doesn't mean you can't have amazing love, but it is so worth getting into recovery and it's extremely important to be conscious, especially when it comes to those higher stakes relationships. If you want to learn more about how to heal from codependency, Make sure you watch my video on that topic. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman.

I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is, how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage,

the quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. Codependency is an addictive form of thinking and feeling. Why? Because it started so early in life and it's something that's so embedded in our early childhood wounds and often in our entire childhood. So it's become, in many ways, our operating system. And there are lots of things that are really beautiful about codependency, right? And we tend to celebrate, you know, the narcissist is evil and bad and toxic, but the codependent is really just this sweet, loving person who just wants to give and receive love. And that is true, but it's a tricky wicket because there are some manipulative elements to the codependent as well that aren't often talked

about or addressed. And it all comes from a place of fear and wanting to feel safe in love and wanting to not be abandoned and wanting to get that person you love to stay. So as a result, you're prone to trauma bonds with people you're prone to attract and be attracted to narcissists or addicts or other abusers. So it can get really tricky to be in healthy love when you are in active codependence. And the other tricky thing is that we codependents, we tend to be to find our value. I mean, this is what was taught to us overtly and covertly growing up. A huge part of our self-concept and especially our value, how we value ourselves is in our caring and doing for others. So that's not necessarily a bad thing. We all can agree that being a caring person who's

willing to help others out is an extremely positive quality. But there's a catch with the codependent. It's not always conscious, but there is a kind of tit for tat involved in one of two ways. Either I really need to see myself as someone who's altruistic and helpful and good because that will get me good karma, right? That's the higher functioning kind of codependent impulse to be a caring, helpful person, right? But there's still an exchange at play. You're doing this for the other person in hopes that the universe gives it back, you know, that there's a payoff, right? Because that's what we've been taught growing up. We will only get love, protection, care, affection, approval if we are taking care of others. So it's embedded in us.

It's not an evil, bad thing, but it's really important to be aware of. And the second reason, which is the lower functioning reason that we can want to be caring people is literally a tit for tat, like if I take care of you, then you're never going to leave me. If I take care of everything and every need you have, or I'm there for you when you're at your lowest of lows, you will love me. You won't leave me because that was our experience and it's never been challenged, but that's never going to be a healthy way. So when we give to others, obviously it should come from an altruistic place that isn't about getting anything in return. And it often leads to manipulations and or disappointments when we do. So how do you heal? How do you heal in a way

that you can not only attract in people who aren't addicts or narcissists or abusers, but also so that you can be healthy and love and not be so scared all the time and not have to bend yourself into a pretzel to try to be what you think other people need you to be? Well, the first is to do that inner child work. So I want you to explore internal family systems work. That's one of the most direct routes to inner child work. But it also means just connecting with those parts of you when you notice you're feeling sad or scared or inadequate or you start noticing you have a story that you're going to be alone forever or that you won't make it alone or you're going to die alone or whatever your codependent story is that you're not enough

as your whole delicious, beautiful cake, right? Someone else is the icing on the cake. The codependent doesn't feel that way. The other person is necessary for their cake to even exist. So you are always at the effect of that other person. So when you start to heal those parts of yourself that believe that, which are typically very young parts of you that learned through your very difficult life

experiences that you weren't enough, that you weren't lovable for exactly who you are, that people stay, that people don't abandon. Like you didn't learn that growing up. So you have to teach those smaller parts of you that. And that comes in the form of inner child work, okay? And I'll make a separate video for you that you can watch about how to do inner child work.

The second is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And that's scary as hell for a codependent. No is a complete sentence. Anytime you see a celebrity or someone saying, I've learned no is a complete sentence, they're a recovering codependent. Basically, they have learned that they don't need a reason to say no. They don't have to justify their boundary. They don't have to bend themselves over backwards to give you all the reasons why they are justified to want what they want. The recovering codependent, the healthy recovering codependent knows that not only is no a complete

sentence, but I don't need a reason to want what I want. I just want it. And the third thing it's super important to hold on to when you're in recovery is to remember that you aren't insane because people will gaslight you. The people that you've been in these toxic relationships with and the toxic people around you that you've attracted in for so many years are going to gaslight you. They're going to make you feel like you're crazy when you set boundaries or you stand up for yourself. So you need to get a coach or even a friend who can remind you that just because you're the only sane one in this situation, in this conversation, in this exchange, doesn't make you insane, okay? To remind you, because it's hard for a codependent to remember who they really are.

And if you can, find a whole community. CODA, Codependents Anonymous, is an amazing resource. Melody Beattie's book, Codependent No More, is one of my favorites to refer people to as a starter. So I hope that gives you a guidepost to get started on your recovery and codependency. Believe me, your life and your love life will thank you. But there's no cure for a crush