Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Pushing the Limits of Monogamy

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

The world is changing on so many levels, including a pretty seismic shift in which many of us are defining relationships. Most of us grew up in a society where monogamy was the unquestioned expectation in love. But now, more and more individuals and couples are pushing against those expectations and exploring non monogamy or polyamory.   On this Language of Love Bite, we dive headfirst into this topic covering the things you should know if you’re like to explore polyamory: -What is polyamory and what forms can it take? -Tips on how to navigate a non monogamous relationship -Common pitfalls you may encounter - How to tell if this lifestyle is right for you.  If you’re curious and feel like you and your partner might be ready, take some time to listen to this episode before making this important life and relationship decision.  Resources and Links Dr. Laura Berman Language of Love Podcast Laura Berman Instagram – Dr Laura Berman Facebook – Dr Laura Berman Youtube.com – Dr Laura Berman  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. So I've been working with people around love, sex, and relationships for close to three decades

because I hear from so many people all the time. I've definitely noticed trends as they're happening and shifts. And I don't think you need to be aware of trends to know that there is a lot of interest and talk about polyamory or non-monogamy, or as many people call it, conscious non-monogamy, right? For the under 35ers who have watched their parents' relationships struggle and who also are no longer interested in, quote unquote, living in a box, right? They don't want the titles, whether it refers to their gender or their sexual orientation or their relationship orientation. Right. So you will hear from a lot of younger adults. I don't identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual. I just love who I love. Or I don't

know. Like it's kind of an antiquated idea that you have to be with one person for the rest of your life. And they've also watched their parents struggle with monogamy. They've grown up in houses with unhappy marriages, right, or where love monogamy can't necessarily be trusted or isn't successful. Also, this generation of young adults, their life expectancy is close to twice as long as it was for their great grandparents. So monogamy for life is a really long time. And so it makes sense to me that there is this growing exploration in relationships, sexual relationships around, is monogamy really necessary? Now, I'm speaking to you personally as a monogamist. I wouldn't say I believe in monogamy because I believe in whatever works

for you. But for me, monogamy works. And I've been in a 20-year monogamous marriage that is still going strong. And I love the soul attention of my person, of my man, and he loves mine. but that isn't the way it has to be. But I want to spend a little bit of time really clarifying because I think a lot of people step into polyamory and it is a hot mess. And a lot of people sign up for it and say, oh yeah, I'm with you. I don't need to be in a monogamous relationship, but the reality of it is very different than the theory of it. In action, it's very complicated. for a couple of reasons, especially when you're talking about heterosexual relationships. And that's mostly what I want to focus on because really any relationship, quite frankly, with a

woman, we may be evolving, although our human evolution biologically takes thousands and thousands and thousands of years. It doesn't happen in one generation the way our social evolution does, right? But women, this is what you need to understand. When we have sex with someone, especially when it's good sex, whoever we're having that sex with, our brains and our bodies get washed in oxytocin, the chemical of attachment. This is why one night stands are tricky because even if you never want to see that person again and you intend for it to be a one nightstand. If it's great sex, you often will experience yourself as feeling a little attached or a little disappointed when they don't ask for your number or whatever else, even though you

didn't want it in the first place. Right. So when we're talking about a relationship with someone who you really care about and love, and in theory, you're like, of course, you can love who you want. I can love who I want. We can do this non-monogamy thing. As soon as you start having really good sex with them, you start to feel attached. And it is natural. I'm not saying it has to be this way, but it is natural to feel a little possessive of that to which you're really attached, right? The more attached you get, the less you want to lose that thing, right? Whether it's a pet or a child or a friend or a lover, the more attached you are, the more attached you are to that person and you don't want to lose them to another person, to a situation, to anything, right?

We get attached. Now, does that mean that non-monogamy can't work? No, but it requires certain qualities and characteristics. Listen, regardless of your sexual orientation or your gender or your relationship status, every single one of us has struggled at one point or another with a lackluster or disconnected sex life or difficulty finding the partner that we most desire. So I have designed an amazing program for you, Seven Days to Better Sex. Each day you're going to get a video and an information packet all designed to help you jumpstart your love life. Just go to www.drlauraberman.com. First of all, whoever is in this non-monogamous relationship has to be really, really clear about what the expectations are, right? Because there's lots

of different models for this. In some polyamorous or non-monogamous relationships, there is a core couple, right? So let's say you have a man and a woman who want to have this conscious non-monogamy, but they make this decision that you and I are each other's first priority and you have to spell it all out ahead of time, okay? So if one of us gets sick or one of us needs the other, None of these other people who were romantically or sexually involved with are going to take priority over us. Or other couples might decide it's fine to have sex with whoever you want, but I don't want you romantically dating or spending a lot of quality time with that other person.

Or you can have these other romantic and or sexual relationships, but I want to be part of choosing them, right? So I want to know who it is that you're having sex with, and I want you to know and even choose those people for each other and have an active role in that, or at least know who they are, right? Or in some relationships, they're like, no, I don't want to know anything. I don't want to know about it. I don't want to hear about it.

I don't want to see it. I just want to put it over there and just know that I trust you and that we're each other's priority, but you out of sight, out of mind, right? So everyone is really different and it may take some experimentation. And this is why the ability to effectively communicate is so important because so often I find in all relationships, whether they're monogamous or non-monogamous, we don't know how to communicate about the tough stuff, about the high stakes stuff, about the stuff when we're feeling insecure or hurt or defensive. And when you are in a non-monogamous relationship, the thing you need above all else

is stellar communication, compassion, and honesty in your communication styles. You have to be able to spell out how you're feeling, hear each other in a non-defensive way, and find healthy solutions that create a win-win scenario in the relationship the other thing is that it has to feel fair okay so what I find often is that couples will be let's say I mean the typical scenario it's not always the case is that the man in a heterosexual relationship will say I want a non-monogamous relationship the woman will be like okay but then he's allowed to be with other women but she's not necessarily allowed to be with other people except maybe along with the women that he chooses for himself she can participate right now I'm not saying that's wrong or bad if she fully and

wholeheartedly agrees with that and says no I don't want to be with any other man I only want to be with you and it's fine with me that you don't want to be with only me I accept that I love that that's cool I want to check out these other women too and explore my bi or pan sexuality like if she's really authentically excited and feels heart-centeredly good about that, then that's great. What I do find is that that's not as often the case, that she just kind of settles for that and she's secretly hoping that she'll be the last one standing, right? Or she'll just take the scraps that he offers. And that's when I see non-monogamy bordering on abuse couched in consciousness, right? If you were really mature and you were really

spiritually evolved, you would know that monogamy is antiquated. And so you need to let me sleep with whoever I want. But by the way, you can't, right? That's basically a gaslight. And I see a lot of people, especially men, but a lot of people doing that. So in order to have a healthy non-monogamous relationship, you have to be so confident in yourself that you aren't threatened by other partners. And even if you are, most importantly, you have to have stellar communication skills and be in constant communication with each other. How are things going? What is working? What is not working? What do we want to change? What can we be flexible about? You must be flexible. You must treat your really every relationship, whether you're monogamous or not, but especially if you're not, has to be treated as a beautiful living organism that needs constant care and feeding and attending to and is going to change shape and evolve based on who the players are and how they're all playing together.

because the communication doesn't just have to exist between the core couple. It has to exist among everyone involved in the sexual relationship, if that's what you're choosing. If you're choosing the kind of non-monogamy where it's an open relationship, you have to be able to be communicative and to recognize that it's tricky. It's really tricky to navigate. So the level of maturity, open communication, effective communication is really important. And there are many clinicians and programs out there who support couples in navigating non-monogamy. I highly recommend that because it can be a minefield. Now, does that mean it can't work? No, of course it can work. Any kind of relationship can work if you're all in it, if you all take your hundred percent

in it and if you're willing to be honest and open and heart-centered in your communication around it, right? And not selfish, right? Because it will require certain degrees of compromises and discomfort for all of you in order to make it work. I went to the doctor