Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Putting Love First, Even During Traumatic Times

Episode Date: June 30, 2021

On today's episode of the "Language of Love," Dr. Laura Berman talks to a woman who wants to know how she can prioritize and nurture her relationship, even as she is dealing with the great trauma and terror of knowing that many of her loved ones are across the world living in a very dangerous situation. She wants to know: “How can you maintain physical and emotional intimacy when you are terrified for your family members who are living in a warzone?” Dr. Berman’s advice is applicable for anyone who is grappling with loss and fear during this time of social upheaval. Prioritizing our love lives and maintaining intimacy can feel impossible and even shallow when there is so much pain all around us, but Dr. Berman helps reveal how safeguarding our bond and nurturing our relationship needs can actually serve us and helps us be of service in return. Next up, Dr. Berman talks to a woman who wants to know how to tell when she is ready to date after a breakup. When is it time to put yourself back out there, especially as we slowly nudge our way out of the pandemic? How do you deal with feelings of anxiety and trepidation about dating again after heartache? Then, Dr. Berman talks to a woman who asks what you should do when you and your partner have differing viewpoints on the virus. If one of you is pro-mask and pro-vaccine, but the other is afraid of the jab or is ready to stop wearing a mask and social distancing, how can you bridge that divide and ensure that you find a fair compromise that keeps you both feeling safe and respected?  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love-sex relationship questions, and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love.

Hi, thank you. Yes, my name is Dani. There's been a genocide happening in the northern part of Ethiopia, which is Tigray. and it's been a really stressful time since my family has been stuck there haven't been able to communicate with my family for the past 161 days now so my question is how do you deal with the whole relationship because you know right now all my focus is on spreading awareness and getting people to help me just spread the to get the message out so my that's all i've been really focused on fun and like nothing about my relationship to be honest and I kind of feel in a way guilty because you know like I said that's that's all my focus so well let me ask

you this because it's not only just facing something so horrific and tragic just happening in the world much less in your own family and since you haven't spoken to them you're not only dealing with the realities of what's happening in your country and in your family but you are dealing with the uncertainty and the not knowing, which sometimes is even worse than knowing, right? And so that can become something that is all-consuming and understandably so. I think if your partner is supportive and isn't getting fussy or demanding or resentful, then that really speaks a great deal about his character and his love for you as well. not even for your relationship but just for you I think it's super important because in order for

you to continue this really crucial fight that you're fighting of bringing awareness and heightening our country's awareness and awareness in the world of what's happening and seeking out information and your family and everything else you have to practice self-care right and when we get really caught up in a painful situation and a very difficult situation, and this is one that's been going on for almost half a year, it can be extremely draining on your body. And so that's a really important question I want to ask you. What are you doing, if anything, for self-care? Are you taking any breaks where you just put down the computer and the phone and you watch a funny movie or you take a nap or you take a walk are you are you taking any time to reset um honestly

not really I have uh just school and basically just focusing on this and work that's all I've been doing and and my guess is you're on the younger side right because you're how old are you 28 so your body sort of can take it because it's still kind of young and hopefully healthy but the flight attendants know what they're talking about when they say in case of an emergency put your own oxygen mask on first you know it's that trite saying but it is so freaking true and the reason I'm bringing it up in relation to your question Danny about your relationship is that this is not sustainable what you're doing now it's completely understandable and I get it but it is not sustainable you are going to crash and burn if you don't take a little

bit of time even 30 minutes three times a week of your off time to unplug because your body is my guess is if we were to take you know measure your your body chemistry right now you would be starting to suffer from what's called adrenal fatigue, where your cortisol levels, your stress hormone levels are so high, it's starting to take a toll on your hormones, your neurochemicals, and your body. And that is how we start to develop chronic inflammatory diseases and chronic fatigue and cancers and exhaustion. And so the good news is that you're young right, and relatively healthy. So it's not happening as quickly because your body hasn't been through as much as a 50-year-old's body has been through. But it's really important because

what's going to happen if you get sick? Not only, obviously, are you not going to enjoy your life, but you're not going to be able to help your family. You're not going to be able to continue this war and continue this effort you're on. And so the answer to your question about your relationship is the answer that I'm giving you now for yourself. Because if you don't put your own oxygen mask on, not only is your relationship going to suffer, but your entire life is going to suffer. And you're going to be so much more effective in the efforts you're making now if you rest and recharge just a little bit. And I know that's very hard to do when you feel helpless

and you're so scared and there's so much to do and you're fighting what feels like an uphill battle. But if you don't take care of your body and your mind, you're not going to be able to take care of the people that you love most, like your family. Go for a walk in the park. Watch a ridiculous comedy. You know, just get out and away from technology and away from the noise and give your mind a chance and your body a chance to reset.

You're then putting in the quality time with your partner. More importantly, quite frankly, you're putting in the quality time with yourself. And that's going to be required. You're not going to be able to sustain this in the long run. I would give you probably another three to six months. And hopefully this will be resolved before then. but you're going to hit crash and we don't want you to do that we need you to keep doing what you're doing yeah it's lisa and dr laura i'm a longtime fan so this is nice to chat with you

thank you um i think my question is how well i know when i'm ready and when it's safe to get back out there um i've been single not only the whole pandemic year but a year prior because i just wanted to take some time after a breakup to achieve some professional goals and kind of have some of that self-care you were just talking about, recovering from Lyme disease. So there's a bunch of reasons I just intentionally took that time without being in the dating world. But I think since it's been over two years now, it's like, I'm really comfortable by myself. Is that just maybe like a self-defense mechanism or was it part of my COVID pandemic survival strategy or something that maybe I've put a few too many walls around me with the excuse of like needing

to be safe and by myself at home. But I would love a partner. And I think I'm a great girlfriend when I've got a man in my life. It's the right match. But yeah, I feel a little bit maybe gun-shy to get back out there. So I was wondering if you had any thoughts or encouragement on that. Well, I think the good news is that it sounds like, you know, you did what I'm always advising people to do, partly because of the pandemic and because of your own health struggles. But whatever the reason was, you did it, which is to take some time after a breakup of a serious relationship and don't jump right into a new relationship. Take that time to recalibrate, to learn the lessons, to get really clear on what your role was, because we always have one,

whether we want to admit it or not, what you learned about what you really want out of love and what you don't want. And most importantly, which it sounds like you've done, I mean, this is the irony about finding love, but is getting really, really comfortable and whole on your own. Because the only time you can really attract in and be attracted to a really whole person and a person who is really going to have the qualities that you most desire in love and meet you there is when you are totally whole and able to stand on your own two feet. And that other person is like you said a beautiful companion a compliment icing on your delicious cake whatever you want to call it but you're already your own whole person and that is magnetic

when it comes to good love so that's the good news in terms of getting out there this is such a unique time in our world history really you know in our living history you know everyone alive today most of us have never been through unless we're you know close to 100 years old we haven't been through something like this I think it's really important to get clear on you know what I would say your COVID values your COVID safety values are I know lots of people and work with lots of people who aren't for whatever reason whether they have the vaccine or whether they just believe in their immune system or whatever else they aren't nervous about it other people who maybe have risk factors or are for other reasons more nervous about it feel differently

And what you're looking for in your dating life is someone who aligns with your same philosophy. So if you really believe in social distancing and wearing masks, then you're going to want to date people who feel the same way. If you believe in staying in a bubble, you know, for the foreseeable future and only having your little pandemic bubble interacting and not bringing other people in, then once you do decide to bring someone in, you're going to want to make sure that they're kind of the same philosophy and aren't out there gyrating on the club floor every Saturday night.

So you want to find someone who kind of shares your philosophy. And I think for you with the Lyme disease, because I, you know, grew up in Southeast Georgia where there's a lot of Lyme and also have worked with a lot of people with lots of complications from Lyme disease, it's not easy to move beyond and a lot of the side effects afterwards are triggered by emotional stress and so it's going to be super important for you and this is one of the unexpected I think silver linings or gifts if you will of what I call these crises in our life whether they're health crises or emotional crises or losses I call them AFGEs another fucking growth experience You know, there are these big, big kahunas of things that happen to us that teach us an immeasurable amount that this has, I hope, taught you a whole new level of self-care and self-regulation that's got to be paramount, the most important thing.

so anyone who comes into your life can't mess with your peace and so if you can get really really clear and we talked about this at our last clubhouse meeting about getting really clear about how you want to feel in love not even the qualities you want that person to have or how you want them to look or act but how you want to feel and one of the ways you really I hope want to feel I think for you in particular is going to be supported I don't mean like necessarily financially supported but just like emotionally cherished and attended to and aligned with. And I want you to start, as you get back out there, whether it be with dating or with friendships or colleagues,

every decision you make, whether it's a job you take, a gig you take, a person you go and have lunch with, a trip you go on, whatever it is, I want you to put it through that litmus. Is this something, if I do it or when I'm with this person, am I going to feel supported and connected with and aligned with and cherished? I don't mean like a fragile little flower, but just like really valued. And I think if you use that as your litmus in life, you're going to find a lot of juicy, fun people and experiences come into your world.

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And it can happen due to all sorts of reasons, menopause, pregnancy, other hormonal changes, other factors. But it can drastically and negatively impact your interest in sex as well as your enjoyment. And, you know, the most common prescriptions doctors will give you to avoid them is peeing after sex and lots of cranberry juice, which can help, but certainly often is not enough. And Uquora, this company I've discovered, has UTI relief products that will help you address the UTI symptoms until you're able to go see a doctor. But they also have a proactive urinary tract health supplement line that helps you maintain a healthy urinary tract and avoid those infections. So get proactive about your urinary tract health with Eucora. And right now, Eucora is offering 20% off when you go to Eucora.com slash love. But hurry, because it's a limited-time offer.

Go to uquora.com slash love to get 20% off your order. That's u-q-o-r-a dot com slash love. My question, Dr. Laura, is, you know, the conversation is post-COVID, and I'm curious, what would you say are your top kind of three tips for people surviving, thriving in lockdown, in COVID. I think it's about using this time to really get clear. You could use this time to go unconscious, to drink a lot of wine and watch a lot of stupid television.

Not that I'm opposed to either one of those things. I do my fair share of both of those. But it's such a gift in many ways for our, I mean when else has our lives ever stopped in the way that it has during this time and so taking this time to really go inward and work on your relationship and get clear on what you really want and what I'm also feeling in the energy of people everywhere is this real ambivalence about getting back out there so I would say getting really using this time to get really really clear about what's important to you in terms of your life. How do you really want to feel and live

your life day to day and really making a commitment to yourself and moving to alignment with your partner if you have one and moving into alignment with what you want to create with a partner if you are looking for one and really committing to that and also using this time as a reset button because we don't have to, nor should we, go back to life the way it was. Everybody, you know, you hear them saying, oh, I can't wait for things to get back to normal. I hope they don't get back to normal. I mean, I hope that we've learned enough about ourselves, what's important, about the value of downtime, about the value of quiet, about the value of introspection,

about the value of balance, that we don't get back on the hamster wheel right away or at all. And that I'm talking to all sorts of CEOs who, because of the pandemic and all the remote officing, aren't even going back to bricks and mortar and are letting all of their employees work remotely, not permanently, at least for a while. And so I think the way that business is done is going to be inextricably changed. The way what people value is going to be changed, the way that we choose to spend our time, and who we spend it with is going to be very different. Those of us who had, you know, 80 people a week on our social calendars and went down to five suddenly realized, hey, I'm having as much fun and even a deeper connection with the five

people than I ever did with the 80 I was hanging out with. So maybe I don't need to be loosely connected to a million people, and I can move toward more deeper connections with less people. Maybe for other people, it's, I can't wait to get, you know, there's no wrong answer, but I think we need to be really conscious about how we want to move back out into the world and create a new normal, both in our love lives, you know, and in our life in general. And I would say that till we move, because I know, you know, LA is still sort of in lockdown. A lot of places are, and I know a lot of Europe is going back into lockdown. Use this time to work on your relationship.

You know, that money that you haven't been spending, if you have some disposable income or financial means that you would otherwise have spent on travel or entertainment or events, spend it on a little therapy and work on yourselves and your relationship. I think this is an invaluable time to do that. And we're really at the cusp of creating something brand new together if we choose to do that. i'm danica dr burman i kind of want to circle back to what you were first talking about in the beginning of the the chat about what to do when your partner has a completely different viewpoint about kind of the pandemic and the virus so let's say you want to get the the vaccine but they don't you're a little more concerned by it but they aren't how would you kind of approach handling the different

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to keep your day moving. Or go with the flow and choose Ginseng Delight, our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on Nespresso.com. I think it's a personality thing.

Like I was saying in the beginning, I know people who this is such a huge deal for that they couldn't hang with someone who doesn't feel the way that I do. I personally don't think that feeling that certain that you're right about anything ever serves us. Because none of us freaking know, including the companies that are making these vaccines, like none of us know the vaccine could be the best thing that ever happened or maybe it's not. Who knows, right? And who knows that getting the vaccine

or not getting the vaccine or anything that we, this is all such new territory. And I think it's really the most important thing is open-mindedness and respect. Like for instance, I am not at all an anti-vaxxer and I'm not opposed to the COVID vaccine at all, but I'm not getting one for the foreseeable future. I just, my body tells me,

no, I don't have any interest in getting one. my husband the second he could get one ran out and got it it makes him feel safer he wants to get it he wanted our son to get it I talked to my son about it and he really wanted to get it okay when you're 16 and of age to get the vaccine if you still want it I'm not going to fight the two of you but they're not fighting me on not getting it and that's just the way it is And it's sort of like I can respect their reasons, my husband's reasons and his feelings. He doesn't love the fact that I'm not getting it because in his mind, I'm not safe, right? But he's not pushing me or trying to force me, nor could he, to get it.

So I think it's really fundamentally about mutual respect and allowing for differing opinions in a time like this when it feels so certain that it's life or death then people get very emotional about it and very sure they're right and the one way you can be guaranteed that you're not at your most conscious self about anything is when you are 100% sure you're right because you're not none of us are hi this is robin writer i appreciate you taking my question because it's a little bit more piggybacking off of what you were talking about with Danny about the self-care. I've always had that analogy in mind that you mentioned about the oxygen mask. And if anybody ever comes to me with the type of issues that I am presenting to you right now,

that would be what I would tell them. But when it comes to me, a little background is at the beginning of the pandemic, I got pregnant because I happened to still be extremely attracted to my partner and we were at home all the time. So that happened very unplanned. I'm a little bit on the older side to be a new mom. I'm going to be 43 next month. I'm usually still with it, but even that has gone, you know, as far as the having baby brain and just the stress of virtual learning. I also have a soon to be seven year old in first grade who's exactly like me and very precocious. Since my first son was born, we really didn't take time out for our relationship separately. He was with us all the time. We never really were able to have a babysitter

financially. Where we lived in New York, it wouldn't be feasible. And now that we live someplace else, it's just very, very difficult to manage that. But now we're in the pandemic and we have no intention of reentering the world anytime soon. He is a teacher, So he does go to work and we're both half that. Well, he's fully vaccinated and I'm half vaccinated. But with, you know, the new information that that I've been getting until my kids are able to be vaccinated, we just don't feel comfortable. So now that layer of how we used to live our life with just basically being with our son, our son all the time. Now we have another son. Now we really never can leave the house. we're basically trading shifts because the baby's three months old and starting or almost four

months old and starting to teethe. And, you know, all of these things, I just started working from home again. You know, he is also now in grad school, as well as this has been his first year being a full teacher with a difficult population of children to work with. And so it's just it feels like it's one thing after the other. You know, I just I heard what you were saying to Danny about how unsustainable it is and I agree and I feel like I'm at the point where I don't know what ends up I don't know what month it is I don't know what day it is I'm missing appointments what is your advice to maybe go a little bit further I understand that I have to take care of myself but I just don't know how that's possible and even for this I'm sitting here

with my baby on my lap I begged my seven-year-old to let me come into the room I think this whole thing we have about, oh, yes, it could be so much worse. And gratitude is lovely. But don't use gratitude to bypass the pain you're in. That's the opposite of self-care. I mean, I'm not suggesting you sit around, woe is me-ing all day. And it's a great exercise to look around you and recognize what you're grateful for. But it's like that clean your plate because they're starving children out. It's like inserting guilt and fear where gratitude is supposed to be. And that's not in anyone's best interest. And so there's a couple of things that occur to me.

I absolutely agree with what I think you already know, which is that you need some breaks. And deep in it with two 24-hour need machines right now, and that's what young children are. God bless them. they're beautiful and wonderful and the best thing ever, but they are, it's an intense amount of energy needed. And I think there are a couple of things that could work. One is a bubble, as I was referring to earlier. I have a lot of parents who, maybe Billy's in your bubble, but who all kind of feel the same way and are either vaccinated and or operating with the same level of safety and social distancing and stay at home or whatever else, and you guys trade off.

So you and your husband take their kids one night a week, they take your kids one night a week, that kind of thing. The other is to get, you know, and it sounds like you're not really that comfortable with this yet, but to get a vaccinated babysitter one day a week, where maybe they just stay outside at the park or somewhere, you know, where there's fresh air and social distancing. If the two of you can't get that quality time alone together, which lots of couples can't during this time or at any time, then we move toward triage, which is each of you taking that time for yourself. So even if it's two hours once a week, your husband takes the kids and you go take a nap, take a walk, work out, go to the beat, whatever it is, you get that two to four hours a

week, each of you, to decompress and take care of yourself. And it's not something to fill with more things on your to-do list or errands or whatever else. It is a time to recharge your batteries. And what you will find is that if you can do that, then you actually have more energy and more presence with your kids and with your husband than when you don't. Before the pandemic, and especially when my kids were younger, I would have in my schedule every single week at least an hour or two with a girlfriend, even if it meant going for a walk or getting a pedicure or going to a yoga, whatever it was, because I knew that when I got out of my role as mother, daughter, wife, whatever, and I could just be with a girlfriend, which for me is like ease and flow, then I would

come back recharged. And we only have a certain, it's like a reservoir of energy. And if you're draining and draining and draining that reservoir, you got to do something to replenish it or you have nothing left to give. So you're actually doing your family a disservice if you don't take that time. So take it. This is Avi. So my question is, you know, during the pandemic, a lot of us are coming from home so that we don't have that. And I'm sorry, I wasn't here for the whole time. So I don't know if this question was covered, but it's one that's been on my mind. So I'll just ask it. We don't have the novelty of missing each other because we've been at home together every day, all day. So I guess my question is, what is the best way to create

some of that, a little bit of that mystery where in confined spaces for long periods of time? How to keep that alive a little bit? Yeah, it can be really tricky. And I think where before this, I would have been saying to couples, you know, make sure that you are scheduling time together where you're in the same place at the same time. Now I find myself saying, make sure you schedule time apart. And you don't even have to leave the house for that. I mean, I've had some couples that live in teeny one bedroom apartments that call into my show and I'm like, you know, I'll have them hang a blanket from the ceiling and just to create some division where every day one or the other of them goes behind there with their computer and the headphones

and like goes into a different space. So you don't need like a sprawling estate to be able to get away from each other a little bit. And you're not doing that necessarily because you're on each other's nerves or because, but to create some distance and coming together. And I think also it's about looking for new things to discover about each other. So you may be stuck at home all day, but are you doing the same thing every day? Are you playing games? Are you having dance parties? Are you playing the 30 questions? I just not long ago put up a blog on my group and on my website about, you know, questions you can ask your partner to fall back in love with them. there are ways it's not you don't have to depend on missing each other to feel that connection

although that's an easy and a great way to feel the connection you can also use this time yes to create a little separation so there's something new to report each to each other and you're not seeing each other all day and you have a break from each other but also making the time that you have together more interesting, where you're playing more or exploring more or doing something adventurous or silly or discovering new things about each other. I mean, you can be in a relationship for 30 years, hopefully changing and evolving. So even if you knew when you first got together what your dream vacation was or where you saw yourself in 10 years, what are the answers to those questions now so I think there are ways to there's no better solution for boredom than play

and I find during this time especially we don't play nearly enough especially with our partners and I say like pull out the twister board have a naked dance party or do whatever to just get the silly back and that will definitely create some connection I love this. I love being with all of you and hearing your questions. I love the sense of community. We're going to be back next Wednesday at 2 p.m. We'll have a different kind of discussion topic,

but it'll all be about learning to love and be loved better, which is what I'm all about. And also I would say that if you have a topic you want us to tackle about love, sex, relationships, let us know because we're putting together a whole list of topics. We're going to try to do this every week with you, and I'm looking forward to it. So we'll see you hopefully again next Wednesday at 2 p.m. in the Language of Love Clubhouse. Baby, you're my rockstar, smashing all my guitars

One day I'll charge you for breaking my heart You're just like my sport car, driving fast, you go far When I'm sitting by your wheel, you're hot