Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Quantum Love (and a Dash of Quantum Sex)

Episode Date: March 24, 2021

In today's episode, Dr. Berman talks about the energetic shift which changed her parenting style for good and how this "Quantum Love" practice also helped her son Ethan tap into his powerful empathy without losing his own boundaries. After writing a groundbreaking book about the concept of Quantum Love 4 years ago, Dr. Berman reveals how her profound grief over the recent loss of her son Sammy has renewed and deepened her practice of Quantum Love...And she explains how listeners can learn to access these life-changing benefits, starting right now.  Book link on amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Quantum-Love-Atomic-Energy-Relationship/dp/1401948855/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=quantum+love+dr+laura+berman&qid=1616460537&sr=8-2 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's just what I'm doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer your calls and emails and your most important questions. Because my goal here is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to also help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexual life really is.

So be sure to email or reach out with your very own love, sex, and relationship questions. And I might just answer them live on the air. Whether you're single, married, gay, straight, cis, transgender, I am here for you. And this is a safe space to ask all the questions you've always wanted to ask your doctor or your friends, but maybe have just been too embarrassed to bring up.

It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Hello, my friends. Welcome to the show. I am going to talk to you about something very near and dear to my heart, to my work in the world, and really to my personal evolution. Something that, you know, I've referred to, but many of you have been asking questions about, and we are going to talk about it. It is Quantum Love, right? That's the title of my most recent book, but it's something that I talk

a lot about in my videos and posts. It's certainly something that has come up very deeply in an entirely new level for me through the loss of my son recently. But Quantum Love is something that I discovered not long after my mother passed away. And I went through a very dark night of the soul back then. It was over a decade ago at this point. My mother, you know, suddenly got very sick and rather quickly died of what was ultimately metastasized breast cancer. And then within almost a year, I found I had breast cancer in the same breast as she did. And I had to stop my life. And as I was reeling and dealing with all this, my kids were all losing it in their own ways. And I was looking for support in all my usual places, therapists, psychiatrists, teachers, you know, especially for my kids.

My husband was OK. He was like the world's best can't see air. But my kids were really struggling. They had just lost their grandmother who they were really close to. Now their mom was sick. It was through just a whole series of beautiful coincidences, which now I know were not coincidences, but at the time they seemed like it, that ultimately led me down this path. And I can get more into the story. I don't want to spend too much time there because I really want to get into the nuts and bolts of this with you of how I discovered this. But it was ultimately discovered really in an effort to help my children, in particular, my oldest child, who's now 23, but at the time was a freshman in high school and was suicidal. And in an effort to try to help him, I tried everything else.

Nothing was helping. I went to a medium psychic who was highly recommended to me, who has since become a very dear friend and teacher of mine, Therese Rowley. And I asked her to help me with him. and she read his energy and she was the first one to explain to me what clairsentience was. I'd never heard that before. I'd heard of clairvoyant, right?

But never clairsentience. Clairsentience is when you can feel what other people are feeling. And it's what many people will call an empath, right? But in Ethan, in my son's case, and in the case of many empaths, he was not able to tell the difference between his own feelings

and the feelings of other people. And so he wouldn't understand why he was all of a sudden furious or depressed or whatever else. And his little ninth grade brain would start coming up with reasons. And he didn't realize that he was kind of taking on the energy of everyone else and not really holding his own. He was like an ungrounded electrical cord whipping around. And what she said to me that day really changed my life and changed his ultimately.

She said, look, what you need to get really, really clear before you go in the room with him, where your energy is at. And I didn't even know what she meant at first. And she explained, you know, what are you thinking about and what are you feeling? Because he is going to pick up on that, whether he knows that or not. And what I realized when she said that is every day when I would walk in, I'd come home from work. He'd already be home from school.

I'd, you know, go into his room. I'd be pleasant and happy and smiling. But inside, I was girding for a crisis or not sure what I was going to find. I was anxious, even if I wasn't really even aware of it myself. Even when I wasn't conscious of it, I was always kind of preparing myself for what I might find or was he going to be OK or, you know, whatever else was going on. So he was feeling that. And so that day started the beginning of changing everything, because when I walked into his room, I got really, really clear on how I was feeling. I moved myself into a really pleasant state of mind.

And I walked up to him and I told him what I had learned that day. Now, this is not a kid who is open or was open. Now he is. But at the time, he was not open to any of the woo-woo stuff or any of this stuff. You know, he would mostly make fun of it. But as I explained to him what she explained to me about his clairsentience and how it was playing out for him, he said, I don't know why I'm saying this, but I think what you're saying is true.

And then I said, well, okay, let me then do the next thing she recommended, which is to give you what she calls a grounding hug. So I followed her instructions and he allowed me, which, you know, he hardly ever let me hug him back then, but he stood there very still while I wrapped my arms around him. And I grounded my energy, which I can show you how to do a little bit later. I opened my heart. I just poured love. Imagine pouring love from my heart into his.

And this kid melted. He just like melted into my arms. And then being a smart mother of an adolescent, I said nothing more about it because if I pushed it, you know, he was going to fight back about it. But a few days later, he came to me and he's like, you know, mom, today I was in a really good mood and I was at my locker in school. And all of a sudden I felt really angry and depressed and I didn't know why. And I looked up and there was a girl a few lockers down from me and I realized, oh, she

must be angry and depressed. and that was the beginning of his entire life changing because he started to recognize what was his and what was others and he started to realize how much he takes on from other people and that was also the beginning of my journey to quantum love

because I needed to understand what the hell was happening here and why my emotions were so intuitively felt by him and vice versa and so that is what ultimately led me to quantum physics, because that's the science behind all of this. And it's also the science behind what we know of as the secret or manifesting or the law of attraction or whatever you want to call it. Because here's the fundamental thing about quantum physics. We are all pure energy.

Okay. We seem separate from one another. We seem like our own physical entities and for all intents and purposes we are. But what each of us is and what every solid thing and non-solid thing around us is vibrating atoms. At an atomic level, we are pure vibrating atoms, vibrating at different frequencies, speeds, and pitches, right? And quantum physics has started to discover through really only the past 100 years or so, that not only are we all energy, but our energy affects one another. And more importantly, or as importantly, affects our reality. So here's the first quantum truth I want to, or the quantum love truth I want to really dive into. And that is that everything is energy. So what seems like is solid or separate,

we are all part of the same atomic soup where just the wooden table next to you is a certain frequency of vibration and you are a different one and here's the other cool part that our vibrational frequency think of it as one of those old-fashioned radio dials you know where you can change the station with one dial change the volume with the other that's kind of what's happening constantly, millisecond by millisecond in our bodies. Our frequency is constantly changing, both the tone and the intensity of it. And what we now know through a lot of experiments in quantum physics is that our energetic frequency affects our reality to the point where quantum physicists, when they do experiments, actually do them in a vacuum or leave the area because they

have discovered that the scientist, even unconscious expectations of the outcome of the experiment will affect the outcome, which is wild. I mean, it's mind blowing when you get into this. And I obviously go deep into it in my book and in my teachings about this. But here's the cool thing about love and about any relationship, parenting relationship, love relationship, is that we are all pure energy. That energy never dies, even when our bodies die. And this is one of the reasons that I can still feel so close to my son, because I know, and I've been practicing this for 10 years, I know how to tap into other people's energy, whether they're here in physical form or not. Because even though our body is no longer here, energy never dies.

It just takes a different form. The second thing that's really important to know, just in terms of relationships, is that our own, my body, your bodies, our energetic frequency, we are literally like a human tuning fork. You know how you put two tuning forks together and you strike one and the other immediately vibrates and makes the same sound? It's the same thing with us. We are constantly matching frequencies, totally unconsciously. Our systems are constantly matching frequency with one another, it is what scientists call entrainment, okay? So when two atoms are entrained or entangled together, they are vibrating at exactly the same rate, frequency, tone, everything. If I were to take one of those two entangled atoms and brought one across the

world and started spinning it the other direction, at the same millisecond, the one left behind would spin in the opposite direction as well. Really cool experiment at the University of Washington, they took couples in loving relationships. We do know that couples who sleep together and are even in loving relationships, their heart rate synchronizes, their breath synchronizes, their energetic frequency, which folks are now beginning to be able to measure, which is fascinating, synchronize as well. And this University of Washington study, they took couples and they put them in opposite sides of the facility and they put one person in a brain scan and the other person in the relationship, they shined a light into that person's eye. And at

the same millisecond they shine the light into that person's eye, the ocular receptors in the brain of their partner lit up across the building. So we are connected in ways that we can't even fully understand. And we are in training and matching each other's frequencies in ways we heretofore have not understood. And that's why for many of us who are a little more attuned, you know, when you walk into the house before you even see your partner, what their mood is, you think about someone and all of a sudden they call, right? Like this is all quantum physics in action. Now here's the cool part that I discovered in the very beginning with my son and really flushed out and built and created systems around and experimented with. But what I discovered is

that we don't have to be human tuning forks. When you set yourself at a specific kind of frequency, most specifically how you want to feel, and I'll show you a little bit later how you can do that, and you hold that frequency, everyone else entrains to you. It is literally like a Jedi mind trick for your relationship, whether you're in a relationship or not, whether it's with your best friend, your children, your parents, whoever, or you're calling love in. Because the only thing that we can perceive with our five senses, because I think we can all agree that there's a lot more going on in the universe than what our five senses can perceive. When you are perceiving things with your five senses, you are actually only perceiving that which vibrates in harmony with your frequency.

That's why this is the science behind manifesting in the law of attraction, because you can change your reality by changing the way you feel. And I don't mean bypassing your horrible feelings and trying to tap it all away or tell yourself positive thoughts or whatever. I mean, that can help. But this is at a fundamental level because it's really on an unconscious level that you have to really change your fundamental beliefs because it is our beliefs that lead to our thoughts.

and it is our thoughts that lead to our feelings. So I can go outside and look at a rainy day. I just had this conversation with my 15 year old. We were looking outside and it was a rare rainy day in California. And he said, oh, you know, I'm looking at the rain outside. I'm like, oh, this is so cozy and I'm cuddling up to him. And he's like, I find rain depressing.

I said, really, why? And he's like, yeah, because, you know, when I was younger and used to struggle a lot with anxiety, I just remember going to school and being so scared and it was raining all the time. And so for him, his belief about rain is that it's a memory of difficult, dark times. His association with rain is yuck. And then his feeling is yuck.

My association with rain is yum, right? We have two totally different thoughts and feelings about rain. And it's that way all the time, way beyond even our conscious awareness. this. So I'll tell you a quick story just to illuminate what really was the light bulb moment for me and what led to Quantum Love, the book that is, and really the discovery of the system is that my husband and I, you know, I adore him. And one of the reasons I love him so much is because he's so freaking smart. But it's also one of my biggest frustrations because I can't win an argument with him to save my life. You know, this guy is not a lawyer, but if he wanted to be, he could argue in

the Supreme Court. Like he's so good, which is a blessing and a curse. And he was upset with me one evening. This is when I was first starting to dig into this. I don't even remember what we were arguing about, but he was upset about something and talking. And I was doing what I would normally do in an argument, which is listening to him, but also thinking in my mind, that's not true. I didn't say, no, that's not fair. And like preparing my response, I call that listening to respond, right? Rather than really listening. And I caught myself inside my mind and I thought, oh, wait, I've been playing with this quantum love thing now. What would happen right now if I continue listening to him but change the frequency with which I listen to him? If I can

really move into the larger picture here and the fact that I adore this man, and even though he's frustrating me right now and may not be factually correct in everything he's saying, I love him. And I can see that this argument is just a blip in the screen of our relationship. And I can open my heart and move my body into what I call home frequency, the quantum love zone where you move your body into that place of acceptance, reverence, love, appreciation, openness. So I did that just quietly while I continued listening to him. And this man who this never happens to loses his train of thought and just kind of gets quiet and sits down next to me. And then I put my head on his shoulder and we start having a very different conversation. And that was a real light bulb

moment for me because I started realizing how powerful my energetic states really are and how freaking entrained he is to me and I to him and my kids are to me. And it really is like a Jedi mind trick. Not in an, I mean, you could probably use this for evil, but I use it for good that you can, you know, I do it when I go into business meetings. I do it when I go to speak in front of an audience. I set my frequency for that, which I want to create. And the way that you do that is very specific. And it is about moving yourself in your imagination to that, what you want to create. And we'll get to that in just a little bit, okay? We talked about two quantum truths here. One is that everything is energy. Two is that we are all connected.

We're all matching each other's frequency all the time. The key is in being the one who sets the frequency rather than the tuning fork that's going around and training to everyone else's frequency and affected by everyone else's mood, conscious or otherwise. And the third quantum truth is that we're all creating our reality because what quantum physics has shown us is that all potentials are possible at all times in the quantum field in which we all exist. But where attention goes, energy flows, right? So if I were to say to you right now, look around your environment just for two seconds,

glance around the room or the environment where you are right now and notice everything blue, the color blue that is around you. And in just a moment, I'm going to ask you to tell me everything blue, right? And then you come back after a few seconds and you say, yeah, the sky was blue. The screen on my computer was blue. My couch is blue, whatever. You know, you tell me all the things that are blue. And then I say, okay, now don't look back at the environment. Tell me everything that is green. You wouldn't be able to do it. I mean, maybe from memory perhaps, but if it was in a new environment, you wouldn't be able to do that because you were looking for blue. And that is very important because when you are looking, you know, if you have a story that

your partner is selfish or that your life sucks or that you're never going to find love or that you're doomed or all the stories we tell ourselves, I guarantee you, you are going to find evidence for that all around you because that's all your five senses will be attuned to. Where attention goes, energy flows. And that accidentally is the reality you start creating. It's why when you're stuck in traffic and you get pissed off and you're angry and you're like, oh, I have the worst luck. I can't believe I hit a traffic jam. And then you get into work and you stub your toe and then you realize you left your wallet

at the parking lot. And then one thing after another happens, right? That's that negative energetic cascade. And those things are going to happen to all of us. But it's a very empowering reality when you start to realize how in control you really are. So I want to just take you through a quick exercise to show you how you can move yourself into the energetic frequency, because we now know that different emotional states have different energetic frequencies. The lowest frequency that is going to create the opposite of what you most want in your life is shame, shame, guilt are the lowest frequency.

The highest frequency is love and bliss. And we have something that is kind of our sort of where we tend to hang out in what I call the quantum love map. You know, for some of us, we've spent a long time stuck between shame and despair. For others of us, we swing between shame and hopefulness. There's tons of emotions on this quantum love scale that I discuss in the book and in my teachings. But the pivotal point of change where you move into what I call home frequency, our natural state that unfortunately most of us get conditioned out of in our childhoods, but our natural state is home frequency, which is anything from openness, curiosity, acceptance, those states, all the way up to bliss.

So you could have acceptance, forgiveness, hopefulness, playfulness, joy, curiosity, optimism. There's so many places in the home frequency zone. If you can spend 51% of the time there in your life, your entire universe will change for the better. I can promise you that. And I've certainly found that to be true. Okay, so here's the exercise. And don't do this while you're driving if you're listening. Make sure to listen back and do this when you can sit quietly.

close your eyes, take a couple of deep breaths just to ground yourself. And the way that I love to ground myself is to imagine that there is energetic cord going through my spine. So as you breathe in, you imagine breathing a beautiful light, any color you want, through the top of your head. And as you continue to breathe in and start to breathe out, it is flowing in through the top of your head, through down your spine, filling every cell in your body. and then as you continue to breathe out, it shoots out your spine, out your tailbone, deep, deep, deep into the center of the earth.

It can anchor there, it can spread like tree roots there, whatever's gonna make you feel grounded and centered on the earth. So just take a few breaths like that where you breathe in super deeply, let the light flow down your spine and through your whole system and as you breathe out,

goes deep deep deep into the center of the earth one more breath like that and as you are ready without a lot of thought or editing yourself I want you to think of a time in your life real in your past or imagined and wanted in your future or made up in your mind okay but a time when you felt pure unadulterated love joy and acceptance so when I first did this exercise guys, I imagined holding my baby in my arms for the first time. For other people, it's when they kiss their beloved for their first time, or when they finish the race, or when they made it to the top of the mountain, or whatever it is. Just choose that moment, and there's no wrong answer. And once you have that, this is really important. I want you to imagine being in that scenario

in first person, okay? So you're not watching yourself holding the baby. You are holding the baby. You're looking down at the baby in your arms. Imagine what would be happening in all of your senses in this now moment as if it's happening right here, right now. How it would smell, how it would feel,

how the air around you would feel, the sounds, the feelings, right? Just be fully in that as if it's happening right here, right now. And just be there for a minute. And as you are here, just notice what's happening in your body. For me, I notice a spreading and like a beautiful bubbling in my chest and a softening of my body. Right?

Other people feel other things. But just notice what it feels like because this is what it feels like to be energetically in the frequency of quantum love. Spend as much time here as you can. And when you want to create a different reality in your life, you do the same thing. You imagine that reality which you want to create. Sometimes I do it with how I want my husband to show up in a difficult conversation I want to have with him. Sometimes it's, you know, when my kids were younger, it was about just like getting them to fall asleep. but I would imagine in first person

the reality that I wanted to create and let my body move into the frequency of that which I wanted to create and cement and anchor that frequency. I got my body really used to feeling what that frequency felt like. So now I can go and just move myself into that zone without thought

because your body knows what this feels like. It wants to feel this way. And you can move yourself there as you practice this without having to do this exercise. And by the way, this is the frequency with which I can connect to my son, Sammy, because he and everyone who has departed our bodies are at the highest frequency there is.

They are at pure love and light. And so they can't connect to us when we're down in the depths of despair. That doesn't mean we should avoid that at all costs because it's impossible to bypass those feelings. You have to let yourself feel them. But it's also important to know that in those moments that you can be in joy and abundance and hopefulness and optimism and openness and excitement, that those are the frequencies

where you can find your beloveds who are no longer here. It's the place where I commune with my mother, with my father, with my grandmothers, with my grandfathers, and now with Sammy. And it is something that gets easier and easier with practice and something that comes naturally to us and something we can all learn. And the one other thing that I will tell you is that there is an entirely additional application of all of this, because you know I can never just completely leave the topic of sex by the wayside, to what I call quantum sex. Because what starts to happen as you become really attuned to your system's energetic frequencies, how they feel in your body, you can

start to move that energy around your body. And if during sex, you start to notice where you are feeling the energy and move it up your spine or move it up your chakras or exchange it between you and your partner, right? And imagine even from the tantric principle that the masculine, it doesn't have to be a man, but the one who is more in the masculine energy in the relationship takes energy sexually through their genitals and shares it through their heart. And the one that is more in their feminine, doesn't have to be the woman,

you know, it could be two women together, two men together, doesn't matter. But one of you is more in their masculine typically and one in their feminine. The one that is more in their feminine takes in energy through their heart and shares it sexually through their genitals. So a circle gets created.

And so while the two of you are making love, you imagine welcoming their energy through your heart flowing it down to your genitals and sharing it back with them or vice versa. If you're in the masculine, you receive it through the genitals and you share it through the heart. You can also bring that energy through the top of your head and share it through your heart or share it through your genitals. It's really magical the things you can do. And this is what creates amazing intensity and full body orgasms and all the great stuff when you can start to really be in your body and play with this energy this way.

So I'll be talking a lot more about this. I actually am going to be doing a course this summer that I'll, so make sure that you sign up for the newsletter on my website, drlauraberman.com. And you also can follow me on social media on all platforms at Dr. Laura Berman. But later this summer, I'm going to be doing a course with Catherine Woodward Thomas,

who's an amazing relationship coach. She wrote Conscious Loving, which Gwyneth Paltrow made famous, and also Calling in the One. And we are doing a course together called Higher Love, Quantum Sex, and Sacred Song. It's going to be really good. So I'll keep you posted about that. But I've just been thinking about this because many of you have been asking me about this.

And this is also part of the reason that I'm able, people keep saying, how are you still standing? How are you doing what you're doing? I'm certainly wouldn't call myself doing great. You know, I'm struggling and I'm in grief, but I'm also fully and completely in quantum love. and that's where I live and I invite you to live there with me

so come join me here in the quantum field and keep me posted on any questions and follow-up that you have and also how it's working to apply it to your life and if you have any other questions about love, sex, relationships you can always reach out to me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com

and you can leave a voicemail at speakpipe.com backslash languageoflove All of those links are up at drlauraberman.com. I'll see you next time on The Language of Love.