Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Reframing Love, Sex, and Potential Partners with Biet Simkin

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

After our vibrant and memorable introduction at an Association for Transformational Leaders event, I knew I had to have Biet Simkin on the podcast for a Language of Love Conversation. She’s a meditation, breathwork, and spiritual teacher that believes in the power of meditative practices and wrote a book called Don’t Just Sit There! During our chat, Biet shares her unusual upbringing, her journey into music industry and celebrity she found there, her struggle with addiction, and then her return to Fourth Way work.  Biet also unpacks how we can reframe things in the dating world and reframe our understanding of soulmates, falling in love, and what it means to genuinely invest in relationships.  In this episode, Biet and I dive into: How death presenting itself in early in life changed Burt’s journey and led her to be the spiritual leader she is today  What the “Fourth Way”is, and how you can use it to bring a spiritual perspective into your daily life How failure can serve us in achieving our true potential  What's really happening when we fall in love  The surprising way that seeing potential your partner as a child can serve us  How to use the power of sex energy   The keys to nurturing a monogamous, long-term relationship  Visit Biet Simkin’s website for more information on her guided meditations and spiritual direction, check out her book, Don’t Just Sit There!, to learn about the power of meditation and breathwork, and follow her on Instagram to stay up-to-date on her practices and events.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the past 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Here on the Language of Love Conversations, I'm talking to some of the world's most influential and revolutionary experts, thought leaders, spiritual teachers, and celebrities about love, sex, and relationships from a mind, body, and spirit perspective. And that way, my goal is to awaken your mind, body, and soul. It's time to become fluent in the language of love. Biette Simpkin is a spiritual teacher, a musician, a meditation guru. Russell Brand says Biette is a strong and enchanting teacher.

The only other methods I know to attain the states she induces through her work are illegal. She's a wonder. Also, Marianne Williamson endorses her as well, saying, Biette Simpkin combines a fabulously modern sensibility with an illuminated understanding of eternal wisdom. I hope many will both sit and walk with her. She is shining a very bright light on who we are and where we might go. Biette, I had the opportunity to experience her practice, her method, and to meet her.

And I'm so excited to share her with you. Her new book is Don't Just Sit There, 44 Insights to Get Your Meditation Practice Off the Cushion and Into the Real World. It's not only a guide to kind of bring the value of meditation into your life, but really a guide for life. We get into it all in this episode, some of the key laws, some of the ways to look at the resistance you're experiencing in your life when you're trying to create something or call something in.

And we even talk about the law of sex energy, which was pretty fascinating, as well as the power that could be found, I'd never thought of this before, in this way of seeing a potential romantic partner as a little innocent child when you're dating them. We're going to get into the value of that unexpected advice and lots more this episode. Biet Simkin, I am so excited to talk to you. Thank you so much for joining us. So excited to be here with you. So you guys, I met Biette not too long ago. I think, I don't know if I've shared yet on this show, but I was, I didn't even know about this Association for Transformational Leadership until I was nominated by some of my friends to join. You have to be nominated to join. I didn't know what it was.

I was like, okay, this sounds cool. They said, you got to come to this meeting. when they meet twice a year. You got to come to this meeting before you even decide whether you want to join or not. And I'm like, okay, what's going to happen at this meeting? Is it going to be some dark? I don't know. I didn't know what to expect. And it was amazing. I mean, there were about, I don't know, a hundred people there, all these amazing, beautiful souls, transformational leaders, no ego. I didn't know. I didn't care. I never care what anyone does. That's not the first question I ever ask anyone, but often that's the first thing someone introduces themselves as or comes up when you meet them. And I didn't know who anyone was. Nobody was leading with who they

were. Nobody cared. It was just like pure high vibration. In fact, I had to keep going to my room to cry because just being in the presence, I was releasing so much density that I was like, oh, my frequency was like rising. And one of the high frequency elements of the whole weekend was Biette. And when I first saw you, Biette, she's like this little fairy. I'm going to post some reels, but like this sexy Barney's shop, you know, decked out fairy. Is that a good description, Biette? I like it. I'm very small and I like Barney's. I mean, I miss Barney's. Yeah, Barney, so we do this. But like that kind of vibe of like really cool and also very approachable. And the Corrin Brothers, who are these amazing musicians, you should definitely, or Brothers Corrin, as they call themselves, as their group is called, amazing musicians. but they had one of their members of this organization also.

And one of the nights they had this kind of jam session and all these members were just like getting up and jamming. And this gorgeous little sexy sprite gets up there. They invite you up and she just starts channeling music, like singing in the most beautiful voice. And I loved how you were like, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to sing. and you just start singing this beautiful song

that I guess you are channeling. I was just making it up as I went along. Yeah. And what was really cool about it is that you start singing, you kind of, you know, you're getting into the groove of it. You were singing words as they came to you

that were just like perfect. And then you start singing this chorus that was love, love, love, love, love. And you kept kind of repeating it. And what was so cool about that, because you didn't, I don't think, knew many people there. You'd never been to one of these meetings either, I'm assuming. No, I only knew Barnett and Sandy. Yeah. So you were invited to speak there, which was why you were there. And what was so cool is

that another member had worked with the brothers, Corinne, to kind of create, because one of the things they do is help people find their song. And she's not a musician per se, but has a beautiful voice. And she had, and so she got up after you just to kind of jam and sing. And she was freaking out because you had been singing the chorus to her song. Well, it's like that Elizabeth Gilbert idea, right? And I mean, it's not her idea, but what she put in Big Love, which is this beautiful idea that ideas and sounds and everything is, they're not ours. They're like in the ether. They're in the collective consciousness. Yeah. Like I've been thinking a lot about that with the Kanye controversy too. You know, people are like, well, I can't listen to Kanye anymore. And

I'm like, Kanye's music isn't Kanye. Kanye's music is actually God. And Kanye is a mentally disabled person who's saying crazy things and now is being canceled because of this. But his music has nothing to do because my music, like someone said to me, you know, my book, my music, my huge events, my blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, I don't take credit for any of it. I mean, I'm, I think I take credit for the fact that I don't do heroin today, but other than that, like other than not being a total fucking asshole, then the rest I believe is something I'm, I'm bestowed. Like I am beholding it just as much as anybody. Yes. And you get to be the channel. That's something that I think is really the key to being successful in anything, but especially if you are a spiritual

teacher or a personal empowerment teacher or an artist, recognizing the humility of that, not getting caught up in the ego of like, I'm the one doing this, right? We are just, what we're doing is allowing. And I think that's, if we're doing anything, that's what I try to remember. If I'm good at anything or if I've succeeded at anything because I've touched you with what I teach or say or speak or write, it's because I was good at allowing it to come through me. And I think that's what you're saying too. So yeah, we could go all in. Maybe we will, if we have time, go all into the cancel culture. Cause I've been posting about that too, that like,

obviously there is the artist, the person, and then there is the channel and then there is the cancel and the duality, which I know is something that you talk about in your writing. So Biette wrote this book. Don't just sit there 44 insights to get your meditation practice off the cushion and into the real world. And to me, it is about meditation, which is, you know, I guess that's what you consider yourself, a meditation, breath work, spiritual teacher, right? But to me, it's really a guide for life. And there are these 44 principles. And when you spoke at this meeting that we both attended and you were, you shared a lot of your story, which I know you refer to in the book, but it's such a, and obviously you're a hilarious speaker and you're very funny, but you

are sharing a real heart-wrenching history, and you've just alluded to it earlier about struggling with heroin addiction. Can you just give us like a quick 411 of your crazy history? I came here to the planet with like a lot of love and, you know, a beautiful, beautiful family. I was created intentionally by two very gorgeous parents who were having a state of awakening themselves and then shortly after I was born everyone in my family started to die and I had a life riddled with cemeteries and funerals including my mom who died when I was six and I think I spent most of my life like wearing that like a leather jacket like a battle of armor like fuck you if you lost your mom at six I mean first of all that's pretty rare losing your mom at six

but yeah it's funny because my brother and just the way that it was growing up was you had to buckle it up suck it up and be cool and i remember like if ever i tried to like be a baby about it like oh well i lost my mom or something i remember people just being like well people lose their mom all the time or like you know you see that in the movies quite often because it's an archetype right it's the harry potter and cinderella yes yes ambi like everyone fucking loses their mom in disney movies and and hollywood films but in real life i don't know anyone lost their mom I was like looking around me and I was like, no, it's pretty much just me. So that happened.

I was very depressed. My father was an awakened spiritual teacher. I studied with him my whole life. It wasn't like being raised by a normal human. It was like being raised by Eckhart Tolle, which for anyone who knows who Eckhart Tolle is, like, he just doesn't seem like a dad. You know what I mean? He's kind of like a guy who's like, he's not going to like, you don't imagine him setting

a lot of limits or making you do your homework or. No, he's like metaphysically inclined, right? like, whatever, as long as you don't pay too much attention to that ego. Like, you know, like my dad was just very like loosey goosey. And so I think it was beautiful and it was what I got. And then I got signed to Sony, as you know, cause I'm a musician and took off like a wildfire with sex drugs and rock and roll and really destroyed my life with drugs. But inside of that, I had like a few very hard hits. And I think that was the universe just basically being like, wake the fuck up. This isn't what you're meant to do on the planet. And those hard hits were

my house burning down, my daughter dying of sudden infant death syndrome and my best friend hanging himself. And then my dad dying of a heart attack. And that happened all within like a span of one year. And that was when I was 28, which for anyone who's into like the stars knows that's Saturn returns. And so that's the way Saturn returned for me. And I got sober 14 years ago and returned to my father's work. And my career really took off like a wildfire when I fused the world of meditation, spirituality, fourth-way work in the art space, in art galleries, mixing it with music and fancy cultural events. So I've done events at the MoMA and Sundance Film Festival and so on and so forth. I'm more interested in bringing this work to the people than I am having

people like exit their life and go meet me on an ashram somewhere. Yeah. Which is what I think is really beautiful because you're so real and raw and just like the rest of us. Right. And what I see and what I've read in your book is that it really is about bringing the practice, the foundation of meditation and the benefits of it to your real world experience. And so it makes perfect sense from your story that you're the perfect person to do that. And one of the things you were talking about, which we'll get to, I think, is one of your 44 insights, or as they're kind of framed in the book, these 44 laws. I guess this would be the law of the accident, right? When you don't consciously decide what you want, life starts to give you these, I call them AFGEs,

another fucking growth experience after another until you like accept the invitation, right? It scratches at the door, then it knocks at the door and then it's like, fuck you, you're not listening. And it bangs the door down or that blows the whole house down. But let's start just at the beginning of what you sort of were teaching us at this meeting, but also what you start the book with, which is this, the horizontal and the vertical line and the point in between where we're meant to live. Can you talk about that just to set the foundation? Cause you refer to this a lot. Yeah. And you know, so my father was a fourth way master and that was the principal core work that I really focused on. And a lot of people don't

know what fourth way is. It's like a cult mysticism. And again, because I'm my duty on this planet is not to do weird things in a, in a room with four people where we all get weird with each other. My work is to bring this to millions of people while I'm really into fourth way. I had to really adjust myself and bridge who am i be at simpkin and how am i bringing fourth way to the world right right it had to be mainstreaming it yeah mainstreaming it no you know not to like the level where i'm like defiling it in any way but i think i don't like there's a lot of dogma like with anything historical usually there's dogma involved and there's a lot of dogma with fourth way where it's like you have to enter the school and then there's all these rules and then

they kick you out, like you may be like, you know, ruined forever. And I just, I don't, I'm not trying to start a cult. Like I really want to help people to awaken. And fourth way work is based on the idea of how do you find enlightenment while pursuing great achievements on the planet? And I don't know about you, but like, or for anyone listening to me, like some of the most painful stuff is actually facing my, what's that word? When you're really ambitious, like my ambition felt very scary to me and it felt safer to hide inside of anything. It didn't matter if it was a vision board or a meditation or a candle lighting, Sarah, Sufi twirling, you name it. I felt like those things were, while they were beautiful, were places where I could hide. And while I could hide

inside of a Sufi twirling ceremony, I could not hide when I was faced with the question of what am I here to do on this planet? And am I willing to make the spreadsheets, do the cold calls, like make buko amounts of money, become famous? Am I willing to go that leap to get uncomfortable on the planet? And this fourth way work is saying, how can that process of really awkward, hard to do, fear-facing social experiences that one has to face to actually do something, anything in the world, science or in Hollywood. You got to put yourself out there proactively. Yeah. Yeah. And you have to like self-promote and so many things that most of us as creatives have zero interest in doing. And certainly if you consider yourself a spiritual person,

you're not supposed to. Yeah. Yeah. Because even if you think about Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, like all these famous characters that have we we've been fed for many years are selling us gorgeous materials but if you think about the rhetoric that goes with that i've never heard any of those people say you know i really really really really wanted this i've never heard them say that they were like yeah i could take it or leave it and then it just happened i don't care about worldly concerns yeah I don't care about being famous and wearing diamonds on my like it's just like I wanted to admit to the world that while it is true that I am enlightened I have found enlightenment and I have the keys and the fucking notes and the 40 years of I've done it

I'll show you how to do it I can do it in my sleep backwards upside down you name it while that's true I'm also self-involved selfish vain as fuck like desperate to be seen to be loved to be connected to other humans to actually leave a mark on this planet and that to me is wildly embarrassing and like to be able to say all of that and claim it yeah and not be like oh and that detracts from the fact that I actually have succeeded and I'm a best-selling author et cetera, et cetera. Like to actually like go there and say, well, you know, I wanted it. I wanted it. And that's why I'm actually here. And that's why I'm going even further is because I, I want even more. So that's fourth way work. And I think you said something. I just wanted to make

sure. No, I forgot. I was talking about the vertical and the horizontal line, which you're diving into and you're circling there, right? Like that the, well, you can say it better, but the horizontal line is sort of the 3D practical stuff, wealth, your day-to-day life, right? Yes, achievements, your body, health, wealth, like things that exist that you're supposed to, as spiritual people, supposed to let go of the desire or concern for.

And that is the horizontal plane. Vertical is this invisible line of getting on your knees and begging this ephemeral energy to guide you and to speak through you, to work through you. And it's that combo of those two things and leaning on them. Right. Which is kind of cool when you think about it, because one of the most obvious and classic religious symbols is the cross, right? And that's sort of what we're describing, an infinite cross, right? But there's the horizontal line and the vertical line and the sweet spot is that point where the two lines meet. That is the sweet spot is where those two,

for me anyway, those two moments colliding. And so for me to veer off to an ashram, which of course, as a spiritual person, I sometimes go and do things that are completely disconnected from the world or go to the forest or whatever. But at the end of the day, if I can't bring that back and integrate it into the world and vice versa, like going into an office or shooting a course or being featured in a film, these things are beautiful in and of themselves. They are kind of empty wastes of time. So they has to be that both. It has to be me in the forest, having the epiphany and me at the boardroom awakening people. It has to be both. Yes. And you can access both at all times, right, in that intersection, which I thought was such a beautiful image and something I've really been thinking about a lot. One of the insights laws of the 44 you talk about, and guys, it's a really easy book to read.

I was saying to be up before we got started, one of the things I love about it, especially given our world's short attention span, is that there are these, they're bite-sized kind of concepts that are laws to live by, I think, or to live above, as you say. And one of the laws you talk about is the law of three, which I thought was really important, right? This idea that there's sort of this desire force and with every, you know, that kind of forward momentum of something we're creating or something we've accomplished. And then there's this denying force that there's always these two forces that are inevitable. And then there's this third force of neutrality where the real power is found, at least as I interpreted it. Can you talk about that for a minute? Absolutely. It really feels like you digested and you're an embodiment of this stuff already. So it seems like it really landed for you. It did land for sure.

Yeah, I love it. I love when like, cause I live this stuff, but to have, I just love the way you frame it and phrase it beautiful, but go ahead. Sorry. No, no, no. It's okay. Yeah. I think the third force is everything like, because the one is the other it's like, you

know, in the similar to the Vedic principles of Rajasic, Tamasic and Sattvic energy. So the idea is like either I'm really aggro and I'm pushing for it, which leaves me fatigued. It leaves my adrenal glands fatigued. leaves me with a sympathetic nervous system and just being really like hyper, like I need to whatever, be rich or whatever, like whatever someone's trying to do. I need to have a boyfriend, you know, whatever someone's desperately trying. And then the Temasek is like this kind of like, whatever, I can take it or leave it, laissez faire, whatevs, passive. And while that is also awesome, it usually leads to absolutely nothing. And if you know, practices, like, if you know,

type A people who go Rajasic, you know, that they've probably achieved quite a few things, but they're fucking insane and miserable. And then if you know, the type B or whatever category that these other fall into, they're usually failing at life on the three dimensional realm. They're either financially unstable. They don't have a good ground. They're not a good household or their family life may be a mess, they might be cheating, who knows what's going on, but it's a it's a mess. And then this third way says, what if there's a neutral avenue that like you said earlier in this podcast, like allowing for what is meant to happen to happen. So yes, there is effort when needed. And yes, there is passivity and relaxation as needed, because it's

absolutely a, you know, very important ingredient. And then you blend these two together. And then you just see like, what does the universe actually want? Because there is a desire happening, I find, that is happening outside of me. There's a desire. And even I write about this at the end of the book I talk about in the Tibetan Book of the Dead, there's this idea that time runs forwards and backwards, right? And that we're falling back into our lives. And like Shakespeare, when he was writing the sonnets, you know, if Shakespeare was one, in fact, one person, or if he was a group of conscious people, I don't know exactly what's happening with Shakespeare, but I do know that whoever wrote that shit wrote some real ass shit because we are all this time later and plays

have been made, films have been made, whole theater companies exist just to salute this one auteur of wisdom. And what I write about in the book is this idea that actually his pen was being flooded by the millions of lives of people he had changed in the future. Because if you think about time running backwards, so in that same way, like my destiny has already been written by the people whose lives I've changed, by my family, by my children, who one is in my belly has yet to be born. Like she is, has a whole life in front of her that I played a role in. And if you go time backwards, I feel sometimes like I'm being possessed by the love and gratitude of the people who's the ripple effect, who my life affected and that infects

me. And then I do, and I can only do that when I'm in that third force. In that neutrality. Yeah. And I guess it's also connected to the law you talk about of beholding, right? This idea of not, I love the image you talk about of like, if your life is a movie with all the ups and downs and trials and travesties and wonderful things as well, instead of watching the movie, you're madly trying to stand in front of it and make your own shadow puppets because you feel like you got to control the story where if you just were willing to behold, right? And kind of soften and know that there's this larger story being told and that all of the things that are happening to you are for you. It feels related to that. But one of the things that

I think is really powerful for people to understand with that law of three is that we're all seeking to create something, right? Whether it's a job we want or a relationship or a change in our relationship or something we want to create. And we're like, okay, I'm going to do this. I'm going to manifest this. And then you like move forward and it's manifesting. And then there's like a gobsmack or a barrier or that amazing movie you finally get written and now it's going to be produced and then it gets stalled at the studio. Right. And so I thought that was really important in a practical way for people to understand that there's that desire force, which is kind of creating that momentum to whether it's energetically and practically. Right. You're

doing both at the same time. But then there is this always to every action, there's that reaction. So to almost, I thought it was really empowering to think about like almost expecting that denying force. Like that's going to be there. That doesn't mean that your desire force isn't more powerful and isn't still going to, and it isn't still going to happen one way or another, but that there are going to be these denying forces at play. And so I'm wondering if you can talk about how to kind of work with both of those, whether it's by rising above with neutrality or whether holding it differently, how you would advise? Well, it lights me up even just hearing about it, because for many of us who are very optimistic, we are what is called in my work, denying force

blind. And so we go into each project and each wish fulfilling venture of our lives, whether it be romantic, financial, career, or a community based, whatever we're up to, we go into it with this zeal and passion of someone who cannot fail. And we go into it with this feeling of, it's almost like dumb optimism, which is kind of like, this is going to be great. Like I'm going to be number one. And then I feel that, you know, for some, for many of us, it's different for each person. But for me, like, I feel like I've eaten humble pie after humble pie, humble pie after humble pie. And the funny thing is, is that while I may be eating humble pies, my life looks pretty extraordinary on the outside. Like anyone looking at me is like, well, she's famous.

She's married to the man of her dreams. She has this gorgeous child. She's wealthy. Like she dresses really cool. She's got a huge following. You know, they see, they see what's like at the top of the water. They don't see all your failures. Oh my God. Like the only reason that I'm this successful. And I'm not even like at the top of my game yet. The only reason I'm even this successful is because of the endless humble pies failure and looking bad and being treated like garbage that I have walked through and continue to walk through and open to walk through to be able to have such an extraordinary life. And if everyone knew what it came with. So yeah, again, so back to what you're asking in terms of denying forces, like it lights me up because there is a

way of reinterpreting. And I remember one time I had this huge gig at Madison Square Garden. I was being commissioned at like my then full rate to do this huge event at Madison Square Garden, which has been a dream of mine my whole life. And right before, and I was like, I could feel something was off. Like right as we were going into the event, it was like about a month before the event. I was like, I still haven't received the contract. Something feels off, you know? And I had this moment where I was meditating and a voice went off inside me and it was like, you already know that this event is going, they're going to cancel either you or the whole event's going to, like, it's not going to happen. You already know this. And if you could just be with what's about to happen, you can face what's about to happen with grace.

So the next day I get an email saying that they are canceling me for the event. They're deciding to go another direction or they, I don't remember what the problem was, but they were, they could not go forward with having me do my thing. In comes the denying force. Yes. Yeah. If I, I won't mention which company this was because now there's just so much drama around this company, which is going to be funny. But back then this was a company that had all the money and they were at the top of their game and they wasn't like, it was such a cool opportunity. Yeah. Yeah. And so I said to the guy, I said, the fact that you're canceling me for this event just lights me up inside because it makes me remember how much my career and what I'm up to

on this planet and guiding at Madison's Garden, how much it means to me. And it reminds me of who I truly am and how much I love what I'm doing. And then I'm on my way to doing that. Like the fact that you're even- Whether with you or not, it's happening. Yeah. Like that's how it felt. And I felt this state of enlightenment and such a state of grace when I lost that opportunity and it was so painful, but at the same time, so like, I felt like I was like levitating for the next week. And yeah, so I tell this story, but I just think that goes across all kinds of categories for people. If they can just see things differently and ask the question of like, how is this a part of my amazing story rather than like getting the pie

in the face being so terrible. Part of my story, right. Or for me or opening another door. It's staying in that neutrality, that above it-ness, that curiosity. And I know you did this with us. Bia took us through a couple of exercises. She, by the way, as she mentioned, is an amazing musician and she creates music to go with her meditations. And she has a unique kind of breath work she takes you through. And one of the things that you had us do, which I of course was really into as someone who's very much into what I call quantum sex. I mean, this was not a sexual exercise, but you had us do an element of that, which was essentially soul gazing. I don't know if you even called it that, but that's what you were having to do. And so you, I don't know how

many minutes that was, but it was a fricking long time. How long did you have a soul gaze for? Five, six minutes. I mean, it was long. I don't think I've done that with my husband for that. And it was profound. And I was doing it with someone who was essentially a complete stranger, but we had thankfully had, I mean, it probably made it easier because we had had this very deep conversation earlier in the day. For some reason we had met and we're talking about stuff, but like, I don't know much about him at all. And oh my God, like it was profound staring into his eyes and him into my, I mean, I had tears. So everyone did. I heard people sobbing. I mean, it was profound. But one of the things, the reason I'm bringing it up here is one of the

things you had us do, and you also spoke about, and I know you write about, and I think it's related to this idea of seeing the bird's eye view of how these roadblocks, resistance, denying forces, accidents are ultimately for us, it's part of the surrender, is that you had us kind of rise above ourselves and look down. So while you're still staring into that person's eye, you're also above yourself, looking down at yourselves, staring into each other's eyes. And I just wanted to mention that because that's something I've had that experience unintentionally many, many times. I've like left, you know, zoomed up to the ceiling and looked down at myself. I remember first time I was conscious of it really happening was on my

16th birthday, but it happens all the time unintentionally. But what I've been doing since reading your book, you know, and listening to you speak as I've been intentionally doing that. And it's a very powerful point of view, right? Am I correct that that's a big part of where neutrality is found? I think neutrality and also just like love and wonder. I feel like when I get out of myself and use, which is the law of divided attention in my book, why are we meant to, you know, sometimes you'll meet people who are gazing into your eyes at a party or at a festival or whatever. And they're gazing, gazing, gazing, and it feels fake and inauthentic. And when that's happening, that's because the person does not have divided attention. What they have is fixated

attention on you. You are the object of their attention. To me, like, I don't want to be gazed at that way. That isn't what love is anyway. If you think about true love, true love is the several people, I think it was Oscar Wilde who said it's like two people in complete solitude side by side or something like that. That's one interpretation. But another idea is just to me, true love is someone that I can be around where I'm able to re-fall in love with the universe inside myself through them. They're using me as a reminder of who they are deep within themselves. And I'm using them as a reminder. And those are soulmates. And when we're younger, Sometimes we think that those people are the one, or we think that those people are, you know, we need to go chase them and marry them and God knows what else, you know, and for many of us, we end up, you know, quite heartbroken because the whole idea of the soulmate is that oftentimes the soulmate is not someone who you can really be with.

Because on the outside, on the three-dimensional plane, you have nothing worldly that fixes it in common. It's not a life partnership, right? So as I've gone older and wiser, whatever the fuck you want to call it, whenever I have soulmates in my life, it's like, I know what's up. I know what's happening. I'm not like, oh, let's go. And I know we were going to talk about sex energy too. Like, I'm not like, okay, let's fuck. And then, well, first of all, I wouldn't, I'm in a monogamous relationship with my husband, but also that seems to me like a huge waste of that energy. If I'm meeting someone who's a soulmate, yes, we could have great sex. Obviously that's on the table and the chances of it being phenomenal sex are high. But the thing is, is that

that sex will be followed by despair, heartache, confusion, disorientation, people not knowing what to do with that, what just happened. Instead, you can take that sex energy and transform it into something else. Yeah. Yeah. I want, I definitely, we're going to get to that in a second, this idea of the law of sexual energy, because I am all about that and totally with you, but I do want to highlight this idea because this is something I talk about all the time as a couples therapist or a love and relationship therapist, that when we are having a relationship with someone else, we actually are having a relationship with ourselves through that other person, right? It's really that that person is a reflection, a catalyst, and that we can have many, many,

many soulmates. Every relationship is a meaningful relationship that shapes us, challenges us, wounds us, heals us is a soulmate, right? But people get caught up. I love what you said, because I think it's important to highlight that people get caught up in this idea of, oh, if this person's my soulmate or God forbid, my twin flame, I got to stay in this abusive relationship because they're my soulmate and I signed up for this. And I'm like, no, it's like no no run yes when west jet first took flight in 1996 the vibes were a bit different people thought denim on denim was peak fashion inline skates were everywhere and two out of three women rocked the rachel while those things stayed in the 90s one thing that hasn't is that

fuzzy feeling you get when west jet welcomes you on board here's to west jetting since 96 travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years and that doesn't mean that they aren't a soulmate right but that like you said in the 3d it doesn't mean it's meant to last or to work and i think that's so important so let's talk about the law of sex energy and also i love because i completely and i loved so much that you said this because i get kind of in you know people have like a weird reaction when i say this because i'm a sex and love therapists, especially the sex that, you know, you're supposed to be supportive of everybody having sex. I always say, especially to women, like, because if it's good sex, even just

neurochemically, our brains are going to get washed with oxytocin and we're going to be attached. Even if we intended to be a one night stand, we're going to be upset when they don't ask for our number the next day or something, you know? So we do get attached whether we want to or not, and it does muddy the waters. And so I'm always saying like, wait three months, wait three months to have sex. And people are like, what three months? Are you kidding me? Like, that's crazy. And I was doing cartwheels because in that chapter, you literally said, wait three months. So talk about that as well as the energy of the power of the energy of sex. Yeah. I love it. You know, for me, it's like, I use that technique when I was single before I met

my husband and I felt like, you know, it was hard. No, I'm not a sex addict, you know, by any stretch of the imagination, but I, I am someone who has historically as a young person really gotten a kick out of people being wildly attracted to me. Like I thought that was hired. Yeah. I just thought that was like such a huge compliment, which is so funny to me now. Cause I'm like, how is someone wanting to stick it in me? A compliment. Yeah. Whatever. By the way, You are not, all of social media is built around that being desired. And we see this with young girls, especially like that. It's everything for them.

Like their self-worth is they're being taught that their value is by virtue of how much they're desired. And so I really want you to hit that home that that is not like now that seems funny to you, but that is where so many people live. Well, it's where I lived my whole life. I had been taught that women are objectified. Not that I'm not a feminist, but I wasn't raised in a way where I felt one needed to be a feminist to love women or to honor women. Hey, don't forget to go to drlauraberman.com. You can find so much great information there and sign up for my newsletter so you get weekly updates on how to love and be loved better.

And also on my website, you can get my brand new ebook, You're Not Crazy, You're Just Ascending. It's a practical guide to spiritual awakening that many of us are going through right now, and it's enough to make you feel crazy. So check it out. I'm here for you, always helping you learn to love and be loved better. For me, feminism felt a little bit extra, like, again, speaking of Rajasic, Tamasic, and Sattvic, I feel like I've taken a Sattvic approach with feminism in that I love women. I also love men, and I'm not at war with anything. And that's the best way that I've come to deal with it. Like, I'm not out ripping my bra off and fighting for, I just, I don't feel like that's going to solve anything. I agree. But I did feel like I was someone who liked being objectified and I wanted to objectify others. I would number people. I would get together with my girlfriends and talk about,

you know, men's body parts. Oh my God, he's so hot. This hot that I love his legs, this, that, you know, and one of the agreements I made at that time was I'm not going to objectify people anymore. And I'm going to treat them like children. I'm going to treat human beings like children. So now if I'm dating someone, or if I'm even remotely interested in someone, and this person, let's say, says to me, let's go on a date, right? If I'm like, okay, I'm going to do that. Sure. I'll go on a date with you. In my mind, I'm like, I'm going to treat this person like a six year old. Why? Because you wouldn't want to have sex with them. Well, I would not. Unless you're a pedophile.

And I, there's something deranged about having sex with a six-year-old or even flirting with a six-year-old. And I think for most people who are healthy, that that's not where our pedophilia. But that's, I mean, is that why, or what is the reason behind seeing them as a six-year-old? Yes. It was to remove my own weakness, which was to objectify them and to want to be objectified by them. I do not want to be sexually objectified by a six-year-old and I do not want to sexually objective. Okay. So it was for that. Yeah. It was a tool that I use. So anytime my mind or my orbit would switch to, oh, well, can I turn this person on if I slay my hips or if I do this, or if I talk with this voice, like, can I get them to want me? I would just remember like you're hanging out with

a six-year-old. And it just readjusted my orientation to be kind and of service, generous, to be a good listener, to treat them like a child of God. You know, I'm not religious, but like a child, like an innocent. And once I did that, and the idea was, let's see how I can get to know someone under those conditions, under that umbrella. And what do I learn about someone when you remove all that? I'm going to fuck the shit out of them. I'm going to seduce them.

I'm going to be wanted by them. Am I wanted by them? Is he or she attracted to me? Am I attracted to them? Like, how are we going to do all that? Power, power, power. Everything you're saying right now, it's just like power, power, power, power, me, me, me. Right. So I took all that out and I ended up falling in love with my husband who I had to remove. Like I had objectified him. He happens to be extraordinarily attractive. He was

then, he still is now like a hot guy. He kind of looks like George Clooney meets Ryan Gosling, not unattractive. No, very hot. And so I had to really change it because I could tell that the way I was like eating him alive with my mind was actually repelling him on a spiritual level. It made him feel objectified. And he wanted to, I think secretly and subconsciously, he wanted to find the woman he was going to marry and fully seen. Yeah. Like, like an innocent child of God. And so when I treated him that way, it felt like a repellent. And so what I did was I stopped and I started treating him like a child. And we ended up being friends for something like six months where we saw each other only as friends. I never flirted. He never flirted.

We like, he came to all my shows. I was in an off-Broadway musical. He came to that. Like we had tea, we had coffee, we had brunches, lunches, like you name it with friends, but we never flirted. And by the time it was time for us to date, which was over a year of us knowing each other. I was, these are the things I knew about him. I knew that he was kind to his mom. I knew that he was funny. I knew that he was really funny. Like, like roll over diehard laughing. I knew that he was very giving and that he mentored many people and that he was very giving of his spiritual wisdom. I knew that he'd done a ton of spiritual work and here are things I did not know about him. And I made a point not to know, which was, I didn't know who

he had fucked. I didn't know who he had dated previously to me. And I made a rule of that with him when we did start dating, which was again, over a year after we knew each other. One night we had had sex and he was about to tell me something about a previous lover of his. And I was like, Hey, so I have this rule, which is that I don't talk about like anything that happened prior this moment sexually with you. And as far as you're concerned, I'm a virgin. And as far as I'm concerned, I would love it if you could be a virgin too. Like if I don't have to ever compete with other vaginas. I agree. I don't think there's anything to be said. My husband, the only caveat to that I've given, and I'm curious what you think about this is like, look, if you've had,

God forbid, some sort of sexual trauma that you're still working through, or there's been like a really valuable lesson that you've learned that still applies to your life and will apply to this love relationship. It doesn't mean you give the details of that sexual scenario, but like, that's what you share, but your number or your past sexual experiences, first of all, because that's really hard to get out of your mind. Yeah. Once you know. It's a ghost and it enters. And I saw through doing the work and what I take my current clients through is looking at, this was infiltrating my previous relationships. I was bringing ghosts in as power tools. Like I would be like, Oh, look at this. I, and it's happened. Like, I remember I was dating like

a famous actor. And I remember one time I was hanging out with my husband and that famous actor was on the TV with his shirt off, no less. And my husband was sitting there watching the show, you know, and unbeknownst to, he has no fucking idea that I did it. Now he does. If he listen to this podcast. No, he won't. He will not know. Again, this is so abstract. He won't even remember the summary, but like that moment happened and there was this ego thing inside me that was like, Ooh, I want to tell him this guy. And it's so ironic because this guy is like, he's an iconic sex icon. Like people, he's always with a shirt off and everything, you know? And it's just like, it would have been so detrimental to my relationship with my husband and it would

of incited jealousy and I didn't do it. I chose to be like, it's disgusting. Like, don't tell him that. Like, he's not going to, he's not going to live that out, you know? Well, so let me ask you this, right? Because you said it was a year and we're just using you as an example to demonstrate this, but it was a year. It could be three months, six months, a year, whatever, before you kind of, and it's not to say that you start, I don't think you're saying that when you start dating someone, you're only going to be friends with them. I think what you're saying is that you are keeping sex out of it for a while so that the waters aren't muddied. And so you aren't getting caught up in that dynamic that we're talking about. And you're really getting to know their soul, their heart,

who they are as a human being, and then deciding whether you want to have sex with them or whether you want to take it to the next level. But what I'm curious about regarding your story of like seeing this person, your tool or your strategy for seeing them as this innocent? Two questions. One, how, just using yourself as an example, how you shifted, like how did that shift happen? Was it a conscious decision that in a conversation you had? Was it all of a sudden you knew it was the right time? Was it just intuitive? So how did that shift happen from friendship to romance? and also how you go from seeing someone as a six-year-old who you would never be sexually attracted to, to now someone who you think is unbelievably hot and you want to tear the clothes

off. Is that a complicated shift? Because I could imagine it might be. It was not a complicated shift because the six-year-old thing is a lie. It's a game you're playing. It's kind of like, you know, it's like pretending, you know, if you think about the law of attraction, like pretending you're rich when you have no money until you make it. And it's like, is it hard for me to have lots of money now that it's actual money in my bank account? No, I love it. It's great. Even better than when I was just walking around feeling like I had money, you know, but that's what started it, you know, was me walking around feeling like I had money. And so same thing with that. And in terms of the transformation, like I had gotten to know my

husband very well and getting to know him. I thought he was a really sincerely, very wonderful, wonderful man. And when I asked myself the question, like, do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Do I want to create children with this person? Do I want to have this man's dick inside my pussy? Like, do I want these things to occur? I had clear answers. Those answers were yes. Yes. And that's very different. If I had just met him, I may have had a vague notion. Okay. Here's a guy who looks like a blend between George Clooney and Ryan Gosling. Do I want his dick inside me? I could probably get a yes. Oh yeah. You'd get a yes to that. But that's about it. I wouldn't know. Do I want this person to be the father of my children? I

wouldn't want to know. Is he really funny? Is he faithful? Is he kind? Does he seem like the one who has the same dreams as me? Does he want the same life as me? The same house, the same geographical location as me? Does he want the same amount of money as me? Like, do we have anything in common? And did you have that conversation with him finally where you're like, okay, like I let's take this. Was it a conversation? Yes. Because he wanted to sleep with me and I was like, okay, we can't sleep together, you know, yet. And he's like, well, what do I need to do to sleep with you? And I was like, well, you're going to need to answer some questions, you know, just like, Oh, like what, you know? And I just asked him, you know,

cause I believe that romance is not dissimilar from a business exchange in the sense that like, I'm not going to hire someone to be my client if they don't know what my rate is like, or like, I'm not going to work with someone if I don't know that I have the tools to help them with their problems. Like we need to establish clear understanding of what we're doing with each other and what the expectations are. Exactly. And so I said to him, like, are you thinking about being with me forever. Like if we start dating, if we have sex and he was like, oh, definitely. And I was like, do you want kids one day? Are you not interested in that? And he was like, definitely. I want kids. And I was like, are you interested in monogamy? Are you like more of a polyamorous

person? He was like, ew, no, I really like monogamy. Like, and so I gathered very clear answers to things that were non-negotiable for me. And then we had sex. And then it began. So for someone listening, right, who is, okay, I'm going to do this. I'm not going to have sex with someone for at least three months. I'm going to spend that time really focusing on their, whether it's using the strategy of seeing them as an innocent or just kind of drawing that line in the sand, but the energy I'm going to invest in this person and that I'm going to welcome back is not about sex or even attraction.

Although obviously there will be attraction, it's going to be a getting to really know them. there is this pressure, right? Like in your case, both of you were kind of in this tacit, almost silent, probably agreement at first that you were just friends and the flirting wasn't happening. Right. But let's say you go on a date, like this is your strategy. And now you meet someone online, you go on a date, that person is expecting, you know, if not to get laid tonight, to get laid soon. Right. So I have my answer in my head of what advice I would give, but I'm curious what advice you would give that person about how to set the expectation with and frame

it for the person you may be that you're now interested in when you know they're now interested in you as well. I think I would, you know, point it out about evaluation, you know, like I, my pussy or my dick, whether the person that you're speaking about is male or female is a value. And it isn't something that I'm interested in having defiled by any which person. And for me to gather the information of whether you are worthy of this vessel and then, and furthermore entering into my heart and becoming like someone who's an intimate partner in this planet, I need some more information. And so if you want to, if you find me this amusing that you want to hang out with me for like approximately three months and get to know me and have delicious, adventurous experience

where we go to the Cloisters or where we go see the Van Gogh exhibit, or where we do Sufi twirling as we spoke about her, like whatever the fuck you want to do. But it's like, if you, if you think I'm that fascinating that you want to spend time with me doing those things, great. If you're interested in just banging, then like, also I don't urge people against banging. That's okay. if that's what, if that's what you're looking for, but if you're looking for a long-term monogamous relationship. Yeah. Yeah. And to be clear, if you are looking for a long-term monogamous relationship, I would recommend not banging for these three months, like you suggest same, the same suggestion. Yes. But if you are looking to just bang and bang any rules around

that, my rule is go bang, except tell the person that you're about to bang that you have absolutely zero intention of ever being in a monogamous relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's true. Right. And be prepared for the energetic. It doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but there is an energetic hangover with every person you bathe your body in or let into your body as the case may be. You want to hear how I would say it, which is a little less brave than how you just said it. How I would say it, because if you're listening, you may not be as brave as Viet, although that's certainly a worthy goal, is to say, listen, so what I would say is, okay, you go on a date, you can tell there's chemistry, maybe even you've kissed them and

you can tell and you say, listen, you don't necessarily say this before you go out with them. It's once you know there's that chemistry there. Then you say, listen, I just want you to know how I operate. I'm looking for a monogamous relationship. And so I don't have sex with anyone until we've really gotten to know each other. And it seems like there's a potential for like a real relationship there and we get to know each other. And so I really like to wait like three months of just really spending time together and getting to know each other and making sure that this is what we both want before we have sex. Because once I have sex, then you're in my heart then I'm sharing something really powerful with you and so that's that's just

how I operate and immediately you will filter out all the assholes who are pretending they want a monogamous relationship or pretending they want one with you and don't really want one and you can say like I'm really attracted to you like that's definitely there but this is not what where we're going to go in the short term what do you think about that yeah it definitely filters out those other guys for sure. And I did that. I filtered them out. You know, it wasn't just my, my husband, before I was with my husband, I had several conversations with people who wanted to date me and I gave them sort of a spiel similar to what you just described. And some of them were like, Oh no, I just, I just want to fuck you. Yeah. Sorry. Bye. At least they were honest.

Well, I say my vagina is really magic. And once you're inside there, you're never going to get over me. So we need to wait to make sure that I want you to stick around. My vagina is so different from like the 20 girls you just spoke to. So, so different. I love that. Oh my gosh. I could talk to you forever. I can't believe it's already been an hour, but there's so much more guys. There's so much more to explore of Biette's work. Is it the Biette system, the Biette process? I I always forget what you're. Guided by Biette Method. Guided by, listen, I'm such a loser. I don't, I'm interviewing you and I don't know the name of your method. Okay. Guided by Biette Method, guys, so powerful. And she incorporates breath work, meditation, music that she makes

that feels so soul filling and really is channeled. Like she was saying earlier, she is one of those people that it comes through and is such a beautiful allower. I had like a million notes of things I wanted to ask you about, but check out her book. Don't just sit there. 44 Insights to Get Your Meditation Practice Off the Cushion and Into the Real World. And they can follow you on social media. What's your handle, Biette? We'll put all of this in the show notes too, so you guys have it, but what's your handle? It's at guidedbybiette. At guidedbybiette, and Biette is B-I-E-T. And can they find links to your music and events? And I know you're also just opening to new one-on-one clients that you're working with again, that

you're opening up your schedule to that. So if people want to work with you personally, which I mean, I may be signing up myself. Do they DM you? How do they reach you? Yeah, just to DM me. That is what, yeah. And I take on very few clients at a time. So it's a rare and just a wonderful opportunity. Well, thank you. Thank you so much for being the channel you are, the allower you are, the teacher you are, being such a badass. And I'm so excited to explore more of all of your offerings. So thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you, Laura. It's such a joy. For 50 years, Canadians have wondered what the names of IKEA furniture mean.

Like Natopa, the guardrail for children's beds. Natopa means giving your favorite person room to grow. It means their safety and your piece of... No. In Swedish, Nattopa means night monkey. Mom! He's back! IKEA. 50 years of Swedishness at home. Look! He's wearing little pyjamas. So cute!