Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Reigniting The Spark

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

Let’s dive into a topic that many couples can relate to: bringing back that spark when sex starts to feel predictable. We all know that at the beginning of a relationship, everything is new and exciting. But as time goes on, it's natural for things to become a bit routine. So, how can we inject some much-needed excitement back into the bedroom?  It's all about shifting our mindset and energy during intimate moments. It's about being fully present, letting go of any distractions or worries, and truly immersing ourselves in the experience. When we approach sex with this kind of intention and focus, it can lead to mind-blowing connections and experiences. And with a little effort and creativity, you can reignite that fire and create a passionate and fulfilling sex life with your partner. Listen in for some of my tips that you can try out with your partner! Check out my Seven Days to Better Sex program! It’s a fantastic resource that provides you with practical tools and exercises to help you reconnect on a deeper level, perfect for couples who want to reignite their passion and take their sex life to the next level.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. What to do when sex gets boring. Well, first of all, know that sex can get boring just like anything else if you do the same thing again and again and again. And for most of us, that's what

we do when it comes to sex. We kind of create a formula, right? You know, you start as in a monogamous relationship, in a long-term relationship, you start to focus on what works, right? I do this to you. You do this to me. I do this to you. This is our little routine. OK, we're done. Right. And then it becomes really predictable. And as it becomes predictable, it loses some of the charge and it gets a little boring. And if you're in a monogamous relationship, monogamy is not easy. Right. Because you don't have the novelty of a new partner and a new chase and a new exciting body to explore. Right. You know all the crevices, ins and outs of your partner and their body and their sexual response, which is a beautiful thing. And it allows for tremendous intimacy,

but it can start to feel lackluster, mostly because it is predictable. So what do you do about it? Well, first of all, you commit to talking about it, right? And that doesn't mean talking about it as a complaint, but it means honoring your commitment to one another and that you want to stay together, but that you want to find ways to create more excitement between the two of you. And you may already have some ideas, but I'm going to give you my number one exercise for helping couples spice it up a little bit, which is that you create what I like to call a fantasy box. Now, here's how it works. You set some time aside, maybe an hour. It may not take that long, but give yourself plenty of time.

You can even make your list ahead of time before this meeting, right, if you want to. But on this list that each of you are going to make are all the things you'd like to do together. So this could be fantasies, role plays, positions, activities, locations, anything and everything that you would like to do, fantasies that you've always wanted to do or fantasies you know you like to do with your partner, okay? And there should be as long of a list as you can think of. And each of you make that list, and then you come together with very clear boundaries. The first one is that nobody's going to make anyone feel bad. So as your partner is reading

their list to you or you're looking at it together, you're not, oh my God, that's disgusting. You're not judging them. You aren't making them feel bad about their fantasies. OK, that's boundary number one. Boundary number two is that you don't have to do everything on each other's list just because it's your partner's fantasy doesn't mean if it makes you feel uncomfortable or it's something you would never do or never want to do, doesn't have to go on the final list that we're going to work toward. But there are ways to negotiate. So we'll put a pin in that I'll tell you an example in a second. Once you've both read your list and looked through them without judgment, then as you're doing that, you go through and you check off the ones that you

both agree you'd be into or at least open to trying. For those ones where it's like, let's say one partner's fantasy is to have sex in a public place and the other partner is like, no freaking way. I would never do that. I would be too self-conscious. I would be too scared. I wouldn't even be able to get aroused. Right. Then the question is, OK, is there a common denominator we can find? Like maybe we're not going to have sex in a restaurant bathroom, but we could potentially have sex in the dark, in the backyard, you know, at night when everyone's asleep, but maybe theoretically the neighbors might see, right? Like you could work it around so you can still have the fantasy, but so both of you are comfortable with it. And then you create

your master list, okay, that you both agree are all the fantasies, role plays, activities, props, toys, everything you've ever wanted to try or could imagine trying. Then you write that master list on little pieces of paper individually, each fantasy, and you put it all in a box, shoe box, a jar, whatever you want. And once a month, maybe twice a month, you pick one out and whoever's fantasy it was is responsible for making that happen. So if it was, you know, my fantasy is that you're a cop and I'm someone that you pull over and give a ticket to and we end up having sex, right? Then the one whose fantasy that is, is responsible for getting the costumes. If there are costumes and setting up the scene and dealing with the logistics, right?

Whoever's fantasy it is, is in charge for carrying that fantasy out. So once or twice a month, you take a little something out of the fantasy box and it adds some spice. That is a really easy and wonderful way to create more excitement between the two of you and more communication because you are going to learn a lot about each other when you hear more about each other's fantasies. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex.

It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level, capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the Quantum Sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. The second way is to dive into quantum sex because I can give you, and I found this to be true, 365 toys, tools, role plays, actions to do. And then once you've tried them all, maybe tried them all once or twice, and the novelty has worn off of those too, you'll be asking for more spice, more spice, more spice. Because anytime we get used to something,

the novelty wears off and we want more. The only antidote that I have found to that is quantum sex, which not only is less about novelty and more about what we're really looking for when we're looking for novelty, which is that feeling of intensity. That's what we're really looking for when we're saying we're bored with sex or sex has become more predictable. It is that we're looking for that feeling of intensity that came so naturally when you were first getting to know each other. And so when you start to play with the energy between you and you start to move the energy through you and between you, it creates a kind of intensity and excitement that never ends, right? That continues no matter how many times you do it, you're having a physical

and emotional intensity. So make sure to watch my video and listen to my podcast on quantum sex. If you want more information on how to spice things up, make sex less boring, or any other topic about how to love and be loved better, you know I'm here for you. And if you like this video, make sure to subscribe and hit the bell if you want to be notified when the next video comes out. There is no cure for cry...