Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Same-Sex Fantasies: What Do They Mean?

Episode Date: July 23, 2025

What do same-sex fantasies really mean? You’re in a loving, heterosexual relationship. You feel close to your partner—emotionally and physically. And yet… your imagination is taking you somewhere unexpected. Somewhere that involves desire, intimacy, and sex—with the same gender. In this episode of Language of Love Session, we dive into this very experience through Chelsea’s story. She’s been with her male partner for years. Their bond is strong. The love is real. But lately, her mind has been drifting. Recurring sexual fantasies about women have started popping up—quietly, insistently, and powerfully. She hasn’t acted on them. She doesn’t want to end her relationship. But she can’t help but wonder: “Does this mean I’m gay or bi? Or are same-sex fantasies just… fantasies?” This session unpacks what fantasies are really about—why they don’t always match our lived desires, and how you can explore them without fear or shame. You don’t need a label to ask the question. You’re allowed to be curious. If you’ve ever wondered what your fantasies might mean—or if they mean anything at all—this one’s for you. We explore: Why same-sex fantasies are far more common than you think (especially for women) What the Kinsey Scale can teach you about the fluidity of sexual desire How to separate fantasy from identity—and why they don’t always need to match Why you don’t have to act on a fantasy for it to be meaningful, fun, or real The difference between curiosity, confusion, and true longing And if you’re exploring new territory in your mind or your relationship, I’d love to hear from you. Email me at [e-mail]—your story could help someone else feel more seen.  Visit my website or dive into my latest book, Sex Magic, for a transformative look at pleasure and self-discovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to the Language of Love sessions, where we address your questions and concerns,

or I work with you specifically around issues that are coming up in your love life, relationship, sex life, all here to help you learn to love and be loved better. Here is an email I got from Chelsea. And by the way, if you ever want to send an email question, I love answering them. You can go to languageoflovepod.com or you can email me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com. Chelsea says, hi, Dr. Berman. I'm a woman in a long-term relationship with a man. And I've recently found myself having recurring sexual fantasies about other women. I've never acted on them and I still feel deeply connected to my partner. But the fantasies are present and honestly a little confusing. Does this mean I'm gay or bi? Or can same-sex fantasies just be that, fantasies? I'm

not sure what to make of it and I'd really appreciate your guidance. That is such a good question, Chelsea, because it's one of the most common fantasies after threesomes, which is typically a fantasy that men have. Same-sex fantasies are one of the most common themes that I hear from women. So here's what you need to understand first and foremost, is that there is a scale called the Kinsey scale. It was created in like the 50s, 60s, somewhere around there. So a long time ago, but it's really fascinating and it still holds true today. What they did is they asked people when they looked at their fantasies, their experiences, even in earlier childhood, their actual behaviors, they found that almost no one

is either completely and utterly heterosexual or completely or utterly gay or homosexual. So what they created was the Kinsey scale, a scale of zero to six, zero on one end of the scale being totally never having any thoughts, fantasies, dreams, behaviors, experiences, experimentations with anyone of the opposite sex and on the opposite end of the spectrum, never having had any thoughts, fantasies, motivation experiences with anyone of the same sex. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship well if you want to take your love life your sex life to the next level whether

you're in a relationship or not check out my free course on quantum sex it's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner Just go to Dr. Laura Berman dot com and you'll find it right there on the home page. The quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. So what they found is almost no one is a zero or a six and three would be completely bisexual,

right? Everybody is somewhere in the middle leaning toward one end or the other, or if they're purely bisexual, meaning they have equal thoughts, fantasies, motivations, and experiences with both genders, then they're in the middle, right? And we're not even talking about more modern understanding of pansexuality or this idea of throwing out gender altogether, right? I'm not even talking about that. But the point is that we all, if we were to look at our thoughts, fantasies, meanderings in our mind, sexual experiences, earlier childhood or adolescent experimentation, there almost always is, if we identify as heterosexual, there's almost always some same

sex stuff in there. And that does not mean we identify with, in your case, being a lesbian or that you want to be a lesbian or that you secretly are a lesbian or bisexual, or that if you were given the opportunity to have a really a sexual experience or relationship with someone of the same gender that you would want to do that it could be right and that may be something you want to explore but if you feel really clear that you want to be with your current partner male partner that you are attracted to him that you enjoy being with him sexually and that you aren't having a longing a real longing not just a fantasy but a real longing to be with another woman, then this probably is just a fantasy. And it is extremely common for heterosexual women

to have lesbian fantasies, even during sex, not even necessarily during self-stimulation. It can be extremely erotic, extremely sensual. And that doesn't mean that you necessarily want to act on that fantasy. And by the way, that's true with all fantasies. That's the joy of fantasies is that they are just that. Most fantasies are things that we would never really want to do in real life. Plenty of people have rape fantasies and they would never want to be raped in real life. Or they have fantasies of having sex with five people at once and they would never actually want to or feel comfortable doing that or picking up a stranger. And they wouldn't necessarily ever want to do that, even if they were given the full carte blanche and

opportunity to do that. So that's the cool part about fantasies. And I think you're not at all alone. So many people get caught up in that, oh my gosh, I'm fantasizing about this. So this must be what I really want. No, fantasies are really, sometimes in rare occasions are in fact, especially if there is something you aren't allowing yourself or a need or a want, you aren't letting yourself have, but you really want, then of course, fantasies can be used to satisfy that need. But the majority of the time, I find that people enjoy fantasies because they are taboo, because they don't really want to act them out in real life. And that's part of what makes them so erotic and sensual and exciting to them.

So that's a long way of saying that your same-sex fantasies probably are just that. Fantasies, as you said, enjoy them, have fun with them. And if you find yourself out and around being attracted sensually, physically, erotically, or even emotionally, romantically, I mean emotionally, to other women, then maybe there is a place of exploration you could go. But I don't think that's what's going on here. And if it is, reach back out to me and let's talk about how to explore that, which would really just mean getting really curious, starting to explore that. maybe talking to someone about it and then if it really does seem like that's something you want to explore

then talking to your partner about it but we can tackle that if you want to you can always reach out to me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com I love answering your questions on the language of love I wrote me a prescription, but there's no cure for crying.