Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Seven Keys to Building Sexual Confidence

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

Are you ever uncertain about your sexual confidence? Whether it's feeling self-conscious with your partner or nerves about your first time, rest assured, you're not alone. No matter your level of experience, I'm here to help you feel more comfortable with your sexuality.  In this  Language of Love Bite, I dive into a topic that many people shy away from discussing—sexual confidence. Strengthening your sexual confidence can greatly enhance both your mental well-being and your relationships. It might feel like opening Pandora's box, but fear not! I'll guide you through how to cultivate that crucial sexual confidence, unveiling the seven keys to mastering it. I'll reveal what it takes to bring your A-game to the bedroom, leaving your partner craving more. Get ready to feel empowered and equipped with everything you need to excel between the sheets! Looking to spice up your sex life? Start by prioritizing open communication, experimenting with the fantasy box technique, joining my Seven Days to Better Sex program, and exploring Quantum Sex. Visit my website to learn more about how you can reignite the passion and create a deeply fulfilling sex life with your partner. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. At the end, I'll be telling you how to handle it if you really are in the moment

and having a crisis of confidence. So in this episode, I'm going to be covering the seven keys to sexual confidence. Number one, get really clear on what you want and what you like. Now, this may take some sexual experimentation, but it's still surprising to me how many people don't really know what they really like in the bedroom and beyond what feels good, what hotspots they like touched and when and how, what positions they enjoy, what makes them reach orgasm. They don't know. They're hoping that somebody good kind of does it for them once they're having sex. but sexual confidence is rooted in sexual self-knowledge. So that means you have to experiment on your own first. What is it that you really like? What kind of touch? What kind

of stroking? What kind of stimulation do you really enjoy? What helps you get there to orgasm? And then maybe experimenting with your partner or partners, because the confidence part is that if you know what you like and how you like it, then you can start giving some direction. Now, make sure you watch my video on how to give direction sexually. But if you are sexually confident, you are definitely giving some direction because you know what you like and you're asking for it. Number two, you want to get clear on your boundaries. So just like you know what you like, you need to know what you don't like, because what will happen, and this is where the confidence comes in, is that you'll be in a sexual scenario and all of a sudden your partner will spring

something on you and you're not sure. Right. So you'll either shut down or you'll kind of go along with it, even though you don't want to, or you'll get upset. Right. But none of those things are coming from a place of confidence. So obviously you can't predict everything you're not going to like. I mean, your partner may still spring something on you. But for the most part, if you're A, clear on what you don't like or where your no-goes are in sex, and hopefully that's not like a 20-page list, but a much shorter list, you are certainly allowed to have those and should have those. But then when the moment comes, the boundary is, no, I'm not really up for that, or I'm not really into that, or that's not really my jam, or no thank you, right? You are holding

that boundary. That is what a confident person does in general. And that is certainly what a sexually confident person does in a sexual scenario. Number three, it's extremely helpful to sexual confidence. If you can build rituals into maybe before sex that make you feel confident and sexy and desirable, maybe it's taking a really sensual bath or shower. Maybe it's some sexy lingerie or outfits or costumes. Maybe it's just the lighting, dim lighting, pink light bulbs, candles that make you feel sexy and erotic or music or meditation, some sort of ritual that makes you feel really sexually energized, grounded in your sensual and sexual energy and ready to take charge and enjoy your sexual encounter. Number four, practice awareness.

A sexually confident person stays in the room and in their body during sex. So often we're not even in the house, literally. We are either thinking about, you know, how's my body look and what is my partner thinking and am I doing this right and am I taking too long and what do they think and what do they want and how can I please them? And of course we want to please our partners. That's an extremely important part of a sexual exchange, but the way we can most please them. And certainly the way that we can get the most pleasure is by staying present in our bodies. Now that can be hard to do if you have a history of trauma, because you probably learned to disassociate and leave your body. So you may need some added support to do that. But this is a really important

ingredient of sexual confidence is presence and awareness of your body, of yourself, observing and listening to your own self and your partner. Staying attuned is going to make you feel really confident about moving with whatever's happening and enjoying it. Number five, kind of related to what I just said at number four, is deal with the past, right? So if there are any traumas, And by that, I mean big T trauma like sexual, physical, emotional abuse, or even little T trauma like bullying or sexual shaming a little bit or inhibitions, any of those things that come from your family of origin or just the feedback you've gotten growing up or even recently in the world around you can cause inhibitions and tamp down sexual confidence.

So if you have any big T or little T trauma, make sure that you get support from a therapist or coach who is trained in that to help you move beyond that, because that's a really important piece that can block your confidence, much less your enjoyment of sex. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years, and the main question I always get asked is, how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship well if you want to take your love life your sex life to the next level whether you're in a relationship or not check out my free course on quantum sex it's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms how to use sex

magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner Just go to Dr. Laura Berman dot com and you'll find it right there on the home page. The quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. Number six, really focusing on what you really like about the way you look and the way you move as you are. okay without the surgery you think you need or the diet or the workout plan or whatever it is

you think you need to change there are always going to be things you want to change about yourself but it's worth noting especially in the sexual scenario in my control to change first of all or not and the things you can't control are not worth hating because you can't do anything about them anyway, and they are part of you and the beauty of who you are. Now, it certainly takes time to accept them, of course, but they are naturally part of you and not something to stress over, even though so many of us do. And if it is something that you can change, okay, what are the steps you can take to changing them? But most importantly, how can I fully accept myself as I am. I find myself saying this to people so often recently when they're wanting to change things

via diet or something else, that there is no worse motivator than shame. So shaming yourself or criticizing yourself does not motivate you to eat better or exercise. Accepting and loving yourself is where your willpower actually comes from in a sustainable way. So the more you can move towards self-acceptance. Even if it's just for this hour or this sexual exchange, not only will you enjoy sex more, but you will feel more confident, which is really important. Number seven is to acknowledge what's happening if you're having a crisis of confidence. One of the hardest things is the same thing as stage fright, right? If you get up on stage and you're feeling nervous and you're having to pretend that you have it all together in front of your colleagues or the

presentation you're doing, it makes you more nervous, right? Where if you just say, oh, I'm so excited to give this talk to you. I'm feeling a little nervous. Then the nervousness dissipates because you're not pretending to be something you're not. So if you're in a scenario, there is a sexy way that you can acknowledge you're not feeling the most confident. It is not by bringing up, you know, I'm not feeling confident because my ass is huge or I'm worried my roles are showing or I'm worried I'm not pleasing you, right? Like you don't want to bring up your flaws, but you can say in a charming way,

oh, you know, I'm feeling kind of shy right now. Like I'm kind of inhibited by this whole thing. Like this is kind of overwhelming and I feel a little self-conscious. I don't know why. Just naming it will release some of the anxiety you may be feeling. And it allows your partner to acknowledge

that they may be feeling a little bit nervous too. There is something to be said, of course, for faking it until you make it, but we don't want to do it so much that when we're really feeling anxious or lacking confidence in that way that we aren't acknowledging it. If you like this episode, make sure to follow and let me know if there are any topics you want me to cover on the Language of Love. Thanks for watching!