Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Sex on the First Date: Bold Move or Big Mistake?

Episode Date: August 6, 2025

So the date’s going really well. The drinks are flowing, the laughter is effortless, the chemistry? Off the charts. One thing leads to another... and you sleep together. Now you’re lying in bed, wondering: Was that a mistake? Should you have waited? Does having sex so soon make you seem less serious—or just honest about your desires? Can it create real connection, or does it shut the door before anything deeper begins? In this Language of Love Session, I  respond to a heartfelt question from Susie, who finds herself second-guessing her decision to have sex on the first date. I explore the emotional landmines of modern dating—especially in a world of ghosting, dating apps, and conflicting advice. You will learn: Why dating apps have changed the rules—and how to protect your heart How delaying sex can reveal true intentions (without playing games) What oxytocin does to your brain (and why it matters after sex) The truth about “earning” intimacy—and how it builds mutual respect Why your sexuality is a gift, and how to share it with intention When first-date sex does work—and what to watch for if it doesn’t If you’ve ever second-guessed sleeping with someone too soon—or felt like you gave too much too fast—this one’s for you. And if someone disappears after sex, I explain why that says everything about them, not you. Have your own story to share or a question for Dr. Berman? Email [e-mail]. You might hear it featured in a future session. For more on navigating intimacy and dating with confidence, visit my website or check out my newest book, Sex Magic. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to the Language of Love sessions. I love answering your calls, your questions. You can

always email me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com. I've gotten a lot of new emails lately, so I wanted to start getting to them. Here is one from Susie who says, Hey, Dr. Berman, I went on a first date recently, had an amazing chemistry, deep conversation, laughter, sparks flying. And we ended up sleeping together that night. Now I'm second guessing it. I really like this person and worry. I may have ruined something by moving too fast. Is first date sex always a bad idea? does it really change the way someone sees you or can a real connection still grow from that kind of start? Oh, this is a good question. So, okay, Susie, I guess what I'm really curious about is I don't know how recently this first date is, but my guess is that you're reaching out because you

haven't heard back from this person after you had sex with them. So you're questioning things, right? I don't think you're writing me this email within 24 hours of your sexcapade, but maybe you are, it doesn't really matter. There is no absolute rule with any of this stuff, but I'm going to be honest with you about what I have found after 30 years of doing this and talking to people and coaching people through the process and, and hearing their stories of what has worked and what hasn't worked. What I understand is the best way forward. If you are looking for a serious monogamous relationship. Okay. And especially if you're a woman looking for a serious monogamous relationship with a man, there's some things that are specific to that too,

but I think it's true across the board, especially when there's a woman involved, that if you want that long-term monogamous relationship, it is a better idea to wait to have sex for a couple of reasons. First of all, most people in today's world are meeting each other online through dating apps and the dating apps are out of control. I mean, they're beautiful in a lot of ways because it gives you access to a wide range of people that you wouldn't meet otherwise. That's the great part out of it, but it's a huge wide range of people. And there's almost like a feast of riches that I have found allows people to come in and out of dating and like kind of throwing people aside, being really cavalier about meeting people. So they'll have

long-term texting things and do that with multiple people at once. They'll ghost people, they'll go out, have sex with them and then disappear. You know, there's, it's really important in all dating, but in particular with online dating that you separate the wheat from the chaff or the chafe, whatever it's called, that you really are able to see, you have to put effort into seeing who really means it, who's really interested in a long-term relationship and who's really worth my time. And so one of the ways you see that is if you don't have sex with them right away, right? The people who are willing to stick around and actually really get to know you first and are interested in getting to know you will be fine. If you want to wait to have sex, it's the people

who are only looking to get laid or don't really want anything serious, who are the ones that are not going to be okay. So you're already weeding out all the people who aren't really interested in a monogamous relationship right away. And I think you can tell them on the first date, if you're feeling attracted to them, or even before that, if you're having zoom conversations or text conversations or phone conversations, you can say, look, you know, I'm feeling really attracted to you. I definitely feel some chemistry here, but I just want you to know that I don't have sex with anyone until we are both sure we don't have to be ready to get married or anything else, but that we are both sure that until further notice, we don't want to date anyone else and that

we're really going to see where this goes. Or maybe you will say it's up to you and your values that until we're monogamous or whatever, I mean, you can insert your own values, but at the bare minimum, I would say, until we're both sure that for the time being, we really want to invest in this and see where it goes. And if we obviously change our minds, then we would let each other know that. And you will know right away if they balk at that or if they disappear after that, that was not the person for you. If they're like, OK, that's fine, then that is someone who really wants to get to know you. And if you wait until then, several things happen. One, you're getting to know them and whether you really do want to go the distance with them

beyond just being physically attracted to them. Because when we have sex with someone, especially good sex with someone, the oxytocin washes through our system, which is the chemical of attachment. So even if it was just meant to be a one night stand, you end up feeling kind of attached and uncomfortable when they don't call you or reach out to you afterwards. And there's no point in getting attached with someone who you don't really want to get attached to or who doesn't want to attach to you, especially if you're looking for a long-term relationship. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous

relationship well if you want to take your love life your sex life to the next level whether you're in a relationship or not check out my free course on quantum sex it's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner Just go to Dr. Laura Berman dot com and you'll find it right there on the home page. The quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think.

I mean, we could talk about the evolutionary things, about how men typically it's kind of in their DNA to hunt and to earn things. I'm not a big fan of playing games or the rules or, you know, manipulating men into wanting you. There is some credence to that. You know, we could say that if you have sex with someone right away, I wouldn't say that it makes you less of a catch by any means. There's nothing wrong with having sex whenever you want to and with whoever you want to. He is going to think this is what you do with everyone. He's not going to feel special, right? So that's the irony of it. He wants to have sex with you and you want to have sex with him and that's fine. But if you have

sex upon first meeting his assumption, probably rightly so is going to be that you have sex with lots of people and that there's nothing special about him. So there is an added advantage. It's not a requirement, but it's an added advantage and even compliment to him in many ways. If you are getting to know him first and he has to quote unquote, earn the right to enjoy your body and your sexuality because your sexuality is a beautiful priceless gift. Every time you share it with someone, not just the first time, but every time. And so whoever you share it with should really deserve it with whatever criteria you deem makes them deserving. Right. But that's something to be really conscious of and when you wait and he's willing to wait he's not only

letting you know that he's really interested in you and interested in a relationship not just getting laid but he's also when you do have sex with him he's understanding that that is a gift you're giving him and it's one that you've deemed him worthy of and that's a huge compliment and a huge turn on I find in men. So back to this guy, if he has ghosted you after this or does ghost you after this, that is really valuable information, right? Because all other things being equal, this is not the guy for you, right? I think as women, we tend to blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong. Okay. You did nothing wrong by having sex with someone. The fact that he has decided that he's going to go on to the next thing is on him and his loss. And it also shows you who

he is because there are plenty of guys who do want relationships who actually would, if they were really into you and capable and wanting a real relationship, they would pursue it. I'm certainly not saying that you should never, ever, ever have sex, you know, that it will never work out if you have sex on the first date and your relationship will never work. There are millions of cases where that does work. But if you want the odds in your favor and you want to weed out the jerks, wait to have sex until you are both clear that you don't want to have sex with anyone else, at least for the time being. And you make an agreement that you'll be honest with each other if that changes. I hope that makes sense. You let me know if you have a question. I'm always here for you

on the Language of Love.