Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - She’s Not Pulling Away, She’s in Perimenooause

Episode Date: May 13, 2026

What if the distance growing in your relationship is not about love fading… but about a transition neither of you fully understands yet? Perimenopause is the often-overlooked phase leading up to menopause, when hormones like estrogen and progesterone begin to fluctuate, sometimes unpredictably. It can start in a woman’s late 30s or 40s and last for several years. And while it is commonly associated with physical symptoms, what many people do not realize is how deeply it can affect emotional regulation, mental clarity, energy, and intimacy. For many women, perimenopause does not just change their bodies. It changes how they feel in their bodies, how they relate to themselves, and how they show up in their relationships. Mood swings. Anxiety. Disrupted sleep. A drop in desire. A shorter fuse. A sense of disconnection from the person you used to be. And for partners trying to make sense of these shifts, the confusion can quickly turn into hurt, tension, and emotional distance. In this episode, I respond to Tessa, who feels caught between the emotional intensity of perimenopause and the fear of losing closeness with the person she loves most. But this conversation goes far beyond symptoms. It is about understanding what is actually happening beneath the surface and learning how to move through this season as a team instead of turning against yourself or each other. We talk about the hidden relationship dynamics of perimenopause, why so many women feel unseen or dismissed in the medical system, and how couples can begin to reconnect with more compassion, clarity, and support. In this episode, you’ll discover: What perimenopause actually is and why so many women are caught off guard by it Why hormonal fluctuations can impact mood, anxiety, sleep, and libido so dramatically How these internal shifts can create misunderstanding and distance in relationships How to talk about what you are experiencing without shame, blame, or defensiveness Why many women leave doctor appointments feeling dismissed and what to do instead Small but powerful shifts that can help you feel more supported, connected, and like yourself again If you have ever felt disconnected from your body, misunderstood in your relationship, or afraid this season is changing who you are, this episode will help you make sense of what is happening and show you a more compassionate way forward. If you'd like to learn more about building better love, check out Quantum Love, and to get your question answered in a future session, email me at [e-mail] or leave a voice note here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, and for more than 30 years, I've worked with individuals and couples to help them build deeper, healthier relationships with one another and with themselves. Welcome to Language of Love Sessions. This is where I work one-on-one with you, my listeners, in real time. These sessions are intimate, personal, and grounded in what's actually happening in your life and relationships. Let's get started and get fluent in the language of love. It's a language of love session where I get to answer your calls, questions, emails, whatever

is on your mind about life, love, relationships, dating, mating, anything. I am here for you. You can always reach out at languageoflovepod at gmail.com and email us your question or let us know and we'll get you live on the air as well. Tessa emailed me a question. She says, Hey, Dr. Berman, I think I'm in perimenopause and it is messing with everything, sleep, mood, anxiety, libido. My partner takes it personally, like I'm rejecting them or becoming a different person. I'm scared and honestly angry sometimes. What should couples know about this transition so the relationship doesn't become collateral damage?

And how do you advocate for your needs without feeling broken? Yeah, really good question. And so common, Tessa. If you are, especially if you're 35 or over, that's the average age where a woman is starting to be in symptoms of perimenopause. Like you're talking about sleep, anxiety, mood, slow libido, maybe some dryness, difficulty getting aroused when you are a sexual. but the emotional symptoms, the sleeplessness and the moodiness and the anger can be even more

debilitating than the sexual symptoms. And first of all, really normal. But second of all, really important to get support. Of course, your partner is going to take it personally unless they realize what is going on. So your first step is to go to see a specialist. Not all, most OBGYNs are getting educated now, thank God, because finally they've taken the warning off the labels. You know, when I first started my career 30 years ago, hormone therapy was a huge part of my practice and the work that we were doing. And then about 20 years ago, this dumb study came out, the Women's Health Initiative that was so flawed and poorly designed, but it went, you know, viral in the way things went viral back then. And all of a sudden, everyone was ripped off their hormones and it

was said to cause cancer when that study was so messed up, it wasn't accurate. And now they've come back and said, whoops, we made a mistake. These are actually pretty safe and even could be preventative of a lot of illnesses in women. So most OBGYNs are, if they're not already educated or getting educated on this, but I would go to someone and make sure when you make the appointment that they are prescribing hormone therapy to perimenopausal women and that they have experience with it. And then what they'll do is they'll look at your symptoms,

they'll look at your hormone levels. And for instance, I mean, I'm not an MD, I'm a PhD and I couldn't prescribe to you anyway because I'm not an MD and I'm not seeing you. But usually with these kinds of symptoms, I've certainly ushered thousands of women through this process. You probably need progesterone for sure.

that seems to be the first thing to go. And if you're a candidate for that, that will really help with the moodiness and the sleep. Magnesium can be really helpful as a supplement. Pregnenolone, which is a precursor to progesterone, can be really helpful as well. So you can talk to your doctor about those. I find that perimenopausal women, you don't need estrogen because your estrogen isn't that low. Estrogen plays a role in lubrication and also in mood, but usually there isn't a real drop in estrogen until much closer to menopause or with menopause, which would be around 50 for most people, 51, but everybody's different. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And

the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level, capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the Quantum Sex Free course. Check it out and let me know what you think. and then progesterone plays a big role in sleep and mood and anxiety and then testosterone now

testosterone can start to get low in a woman in her mid-30s and beyond so think of it this way a woman in her 20s has double the testosterone that a woman in her 60s has and it's slowly declining throughout a woman's lifespan. So by the time you're in your mid to late 30s, it's getting low enough where you may feel, you know, kind of a lack of general well-being emotionally, kind of like a blah feeling and low libido and even lack of sensation, difficulty getting aroused sexually. And if you are in hormonal contraceptives, it makes it even worse because hormonal contraceptives increase a protein in the blood called shbg which binds to testosterone the hormone of desire and sensation it binds it up

and makes it unavailable for the body to use so you're free circulating testosterone you already don't have a lot of testosterone and then your free circulating testosterone is bound up now does that mean you just stop taking your birth control? No, talk to your doctor first, but it may mean that A, you look at other forms of birth control, like maybe an intrauterine device or contraception that way, or you take a little bit of testosterone. So you can talk to your doctor about that as well, but do not. I remember when doctors were prescribing hormonal contraceptives as a way to regulate a woman's period in perimenopause. That is not helpful.

First of all, it's a fake period that you're getting. It's not even real. You're basically taking all these hormones to make the period happen. You aren't really regulating yourself. And B, you're making your testosterone levels even lower. So don't get on hormonal contraceptives as a treatment, but do talk to your doctor

about getting hormonally supported. And even tell your partner in advance, I'm going to the doctor. I think I have these symptoms of perimenopause and I'm going to see what can be done and then come home and or bring your partner with you if they're up for it. But otherwise, come home and give them the report on like what you're going to do, help educate them about what the symptoms are and what you're experiencing. And you'll notice if you really track it, like when I was perimenopausal, two weeks out of every month, I was ready to blow up the world until I got on some progesterone. So I understand that you're scared. It is scary

and confusing because you don't know what's happening to your body and it feels so different. And I understand why you're angry, not only because of the changes, but the hormone changes make you angry. So yeah, it's a big transition and it can affect, of course, the relationship because it's affecting your tolerance. It's affecting your patience. It's affecting your frustration levels. It's affecting how big your anger gets. So I noticed that this is a really sensitive time. You know, also you have most women in their mid thirties are busy with work and kids and older parents who need their help. And so there's all of these other things going on that are stressing you out as well as not being hormonally supported. So really important to

advocate for yourself, to get the medical attention you need, to educate your partner about what's going on, and to know that by no means are you broken. You definitely are not broken. You are just perimenopausal and you need a little added hormonal support to get you through this transition. I hope that helps keep us posted on how it goes. And you can always reach out to If you have a question about anything, life, love, relationships, dating, mating, ovulating, whatever it is, I'm always here for you on the language of love. a prescription but there is no cure

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