Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Should You Get Back Together with an Ex?

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

On today’s episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman talks about Bennifer and whether or not it’s ever a good idea to get back together with an ex. Getting back together with an ex is extremely tempting, and for some, the urge can even feel downright addictive. If you’re going to get back together with an ex, you have to really make sure that you’re doing so in a conscious, intentional way. You need to be willing to examine what you did to contribute to the breakup in the first place, and what steps you both need to take to ensure that you don’t make the same mistakes this go-around. Next, Dr. Berman talks to couples who have been stuck at home together for a year and a half due to Covid. After so much togetherness during the pandemic, how can you and your partner start to bring more magic and passion back into your relationship? If you are feeling more like roommates and less like lovers, don’t despair: There are ways you can reignite the flame after this difficult year. Then, Dr. Berman talks to a woman who recently broke up with her longtime partner. He says he still loves her and misses her, but he claims he needs time to ‘find himself’ and have time alone. How can you move on from a ex-partner who still isn’t fully letting you go? When do you determine that the relationship is completely unsalvageable and quit taking your ex’s calls? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love-sex relationship questions, and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love.

I'm always excited to talk about sex, love, relationships. You know, there's lots of interesting news. I think it's I've been following the Olympics like everyone else. And there's been every year I'm always interested in the sex that goes on in Olympic Village. You know, all those Olympians, gorgeous, young, fit athletes coming together from all over the world. And there are all sorts of condom companies that sponsor and all kinds of things. But I'm really curious what's happening in the wake of COVID, you know, and especially since the spectators are so down there. And also just what's been happening with the volleyball and gymnastics uniforms, you know, and all the pushback around changing the TNA uniforms of women and them being fined for that.

I just think there's a lot of interesting stuff happening in the Olympics. So I've been talking about that in the media. I've also been, of course, asked a lot about Bennifer and the resurgence of the Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez coupling, but the whole principle of like, do you get back together with an ex? And can that really ever work? And a lot of people fantasize about that. They've both had whole lives, marriages, children, and now are back together. And is that going to work or not? You know, something that is an interesting question. So, yeah, I've been talking sex a lot lately and ready to talk some more. When you have a relationship and you love someone so much and then that relationship ends in some way, does that mean it's gone forever? And I think I've seen it happen both ways where somebody has gone back with somebody and it ended up being great.

But then I've also in my own personal relationships, I got to be honest, I cannot imagine dating somebody that I dated before. I just, I can't, it does not get, no, there's not anybody that I dated in my past who I say to myself, oh man, I wish I could be. That's the one that got away. Yeah. So I guess that's a, that's a testament to my wife, I suppose. Yeah. But I think it's also for a lot of people who aren't necessarily as happy as they want to be. You know, we very often idealize those earlier relationships, even if, you know, we kind of forget why they ended or were sort of identifying with who we were back then. I see that a lot with people who become kind of obsessed with their high school or college boyfriend or girlfriend again. It's almost like you're attracted to who you were

back then. And that's really what your attraction to them is about. But the bottom line is you broke up for a reason. And is that reason still there? And if it isn't, how do you know it isn't? How do you know, it's different. You know, for all we know, they broke up better for because of addiction issues, you know, which didn't come out for him until years later. And supposedly, he's clean and sober now. So maybe in this place, he's more capable of the kind of relationship that they could have had. I mean, we don't know. But that would be that's the main question. You broke up for a reason. What was the reason? What's different now? How do you know it's different? You know, can you really address that?

And I think very often you can, but very often you can't. It's just wishful thinking. We live in times right now that in a lot of ways, they're uncertain times. And there's so much happening in the world today. What is the advice you would give somebody who's, let's say they're in a relationship, but the relationship is a bit stale and they want to fire it up a bit. They want to add some spice to their relationship in a way that will reignite the flame. When you're cooped up with someone, and I'm not saying this is my case necessarily, although

my wife might say it is, when you're with somebody for a long time, and especially when you're with somebody in close proximity because of quarantine. Quarantining with them. Yeah, exactly. So what advice do you have to reignite the flame? Yeah, well, you're right that proximity breeds that familiarity. And the more time we spend with someone, it feels like the less you have to talk about because the natural things that you would be connecting around at the end of the day after being apart is what happened at work and who you saw and what adventures you had and what experiences you had. and you sort of are living at least part of the time a separate existence. So you have something to bring back home. And I think that is a really important part of a vibrant relationship. But you

don't have to be out of the house. I mean, that makes it easier, right? But I think honestly, a lot of us are going to continue working from home. Those of us who started working from home during the pandemic found that we really like it. And I'm hearing from a lot of people and a lot of CEOs that they're allowing their employees now to work from home. So I think, you know, it won't be as much togetherness as you can, as you can leave the house and go run errands or go work out or go do other things on your own throughout the day. But it is going to be a different kind of intimacy building where each of you, I think it's always important to spend time apart, even in a small location. I mean, I've had couples during the height of the pandemic who lived in small little

apartments in the city, you know, and they would, we'd have them hang blankets from the ceiling, just in like one corner to create some degree of privacy and separation so that they could go into literally, because I think we all, depending on our personality, but pretty much all of us need some rebooting and cave time. And I think if you can continue to incorporate that and continue to cultivate your own interests, hobbies, explorations, even if they're virtual, you know, I'll often talk to my husband about a class I'm taking, you know, that he makes fun of me, a psychic medium class that I'm taking, you know, that he thinks is very humorous. And, you know, I'll do that once a week. And we'll talk about that. Or, you know, I'll go for a walk and just

having that separation, I think, in addition to scheduling physical intimacy and making sure that's on the books, you would think when you're together all the time, that happens more easily and naturally, but it turns out now that we've looked at the data from the sexual behavior of people during the pandemic, that it was opposite, that having that much proximity, maybe that much proximity mixed with the stress, but it was that much proximity for sure left people with less sex rather than more sex. Hi, Dr. Berman. Recently, I've been through a breakup. It's been around three weeks I would say uh now and um at the beginning of the breakup so this kind of goes along with what you were speaking earlier about exes and kind of dealing with all that everything

was pretty clear that it was over the end was done uh his decision was made he left and to go to his to stay with his parents so I'm have our place and he's there but within the last week or so suddenly his behaviors his language his kind of complete personality is like doing the opposite he's saying basically I love you I miss you things like this but then when it comes to okay if this is how you're feeling if this is what you're feeling at the moment then doesn't that warrant being in a relationship like isn't that something that should be you're in a relationship for and he still is like no I need to find myself I need to figure out what I want with my future and my life but it's confusing because the the actions and the words are opposite of what he's

indicating yeah and so what is the reason he gave you for wanting to end the relationship it's been a culmination of many things I think over the years but he has a very bad panic disorder and anxiety. And a lot of the time he has these thoughts that he kind of latches onto and he starts obsessing over. And there's things that have happened in our relationship where he's had an idea about something and won't let it go. And it's caused kind of like a rift between us. Like a critical idea about something you did or said or some way you've hurt him and he won't let go. Right. And even in situations where it was actually his doing, where somehow it's been flipped around where that it's been me, like somehow I'm at fault for something he did.

Well, that must have been hard as much as you love him. That must have been hard to be in relationship with. It's been someone who's sort of stonewalling and holding grudges and ruminating and obsessing and not willing to move on from and let things go. You know, that's not that we should all just let things go and not deal with them. But it's another thing to be to sort of ruminate the way you're describing it from the anxiety perspective is that he tends to sort of ruminate and focus on what isn't working and then kind of latches on to that and loses perspective of everything else. And that makes for someone who's not very flexible or very forgiving, which is fundamental to having a healthy relationship. So has he ever been willing

to be in any kind of counseling for himself or even for the two of you together? And that's the strange thing is that when he first started with, when he first had his first panic attack and anxiety years ago before he met me, he did meet a psychologist. And as the things have continued in our relationship and has popped up and been an issue between us, I've, of course, I'm an advocate for therapy. I really believe in it. And I've said to him, you know, maybe you should need, you should talk to your therapist again. And he always says, no, I don't need it. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. What do you mean? What are you talking about? I'm perfectly fine. And even about the two of you together, he wasn't willing to go to therapy? No, he, he,

he thinks that he, it's like admitting defeat to him. It basically is like, nobody gets okay with couples therapy. Well, I can tell him differently about that. The bottom line is what it sounds like is happening is that obviously you don't just turn off your love for someone, right? You've been together a while, you've been married, you know, he obviously you can't just turn off love. He still loves you. There's things he, you know, he misses being in relationship with you, but he's not capable, it sounds like, of really being in a healthy relationship with anyone. And, you know, I don't know the nature of what happened in your relationship, what was said, what was done or not done or said. But I can tell you what my gut is telling me and what my experience is telling me

is that when you are in a relationship with someone like that, who is really triggered, easily triggered, stays stuck for a long time and is unwilling to get help, they tend to be emotionally abusive, sometimes physically abusive, but more often than not, at the very least, emotionally abusive. And if you are someone who comes from an abusive relationship growing up, that probably feels familiar. And the longing and the urge to be good enough for that person, to earn the love of that person, to have that person not abandon you, meaning your husband, but it's really about those earlier caretakers as well who didn't treat you well. That's a really intoxicating proposition to your sweet little girl inside you, you know?

And she's the one that's really suffering right now, feeling rejected, not enough, and confused because there's a push me, pull me. If he loves me, why wouldn't he stay? If he loves me, why wouldn't he want to work on the relationship? That little girl in you, even though the woman in you knows different, is saying it's because of me. It's some shortcoming in me. And then that makes the pulley and the confusion even greater. So what I would say to you is that your work is, you know, around getting your own support, and really working on your own healing, not just in this relationship, but your earlier life, abandonments, rejections and abuses, so that you can come to the point of recognizing that you can still love someone and feel deep affection and care for them, but understand that they aren't capable. of having a healthy, emotionally mature relationship. And that's what he is. He's

someone who doesn't make him a bad person. It just makes him a very damaged person. And there's nothing wrong with being damaged. We're all damaged, some of us more than others. The problem is when you're unwilling to address it and get the help, then your partner is completely stuck in a cycle of push me, pull me, dysfunction, and emotional abuse. And that's not what I want for Thank you. Yeah. And I see that. And I think the issue is that I'm actually pushing back and telling him what you're doing is unfair. And you're either this kind of limbo of I love you. I miss you. But I don't. It's just such a confusing thing and messes with my head so much. Yeah, and you may need to cut off contact or take a break yourself. Or you say to him, listen, I don't want to hear that you love me. If you love me and love this relationship, then go and get some help. And until you get some help, I don't think we can be together. And I really want you to mean that. I don't want you to just say that. I want you to value yourself enough to know that it wouldn't matter that he came back. If he came back tomorrow and said, you know what?

You're the love of my life. And I've decided I've made the biggest mistake ever. And I want to be with you. Unless he's willing to really go to therapy and work on his stuff, nothing's going to change. And you're going to find yourself here six months to a year from now. Yeah. And that's what I fear.

Yeah. Well, nothing changes if he's not willing to look at himself and get the help he needs. Thank you, Dr. But in the meantime, you can get the help you need. And I'm definitely working on that. Definitely. Thank you so much. Sending you love.

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Right now, Uquora is offering 20% off when you go to Uquora.com slash love. But hurry, because it's a limited time offer. Go to Uquora.com slash love and get 20% off your order. That's U-Q-O-R-A dot com slash love. The question that just came through is, is it true that people who talk a lot about sex have little sex? Where would that put me? I don't think that's always true. I know what this person is asking that sometimes we have a lot of bravado about things that we really are insecure about, you know, and we certainly will see, you know, your average.

i was like i mentioned earlier i've had this crew of 16 boys at my house for the past four nights playing poker with no more than like you know quarter buy-ins i was watching it because i was so scared one of them was going to go home to their parents and dad but i've had them all in the house which of course i love because i get to listen you know listen in on all of their conversations with not all of them but as they're sitting around eating or whatever and boy is there a lot of sexual bragging and so like yeah with teen boys you know oh yeah you know acting like they're all experienced or like they have get all this play and you know that they're not you know so there is this kind of adolescent quality that I think a lot of people

have where they talk a big game but when push comes to shove they they don't really have that much sex or they're not that comfortable with sex. But I wouldn't say that that's a general rule. I'm curious why you ask that question. Maybe you can do a follow-up. Question then, you know, and it's a great point, especially being around adolescent boys. You hear a lot of this bravado in this talk. One of the things that's very clear is as we develop, especially when we're young women develop much more rapidly than men if you're looking at the other end of the spectrum when you get older it seems like men for whatever reason maintain a lot longer from a standpoint of wanting sex yeah and i'm curious what advice do you have for i mean

i've heard it over and over again women who just have lower libido they just don't have the same sex drive they once had. What are some ways to reignite that desire to have sex? Yeah. Well, I think for all women, pretty much, and I wouldn't say every single woman, but the majority of women in a long-term relationship where you don't have the novelty and excitement of a new relationship working for you, you don't have all the romance and whining and dining, you know, working for you. And you have a lot of distractions in your life, kids, work, mortgage, whatever those things are. All of those tend to work against a woman's desire, which, you know, for men and women, our main sexual organ is between our ears.

But this is why it's been so hard for scientists and researchers and pharmaceutical development companies to come up with a magic bullet for women because we're too complicated. That's our blessing and our curse. But I think for men, first of all, they have more testosterone, even as that testosterone starts to decline. That's a hormone of desire. Secondly, they're conditioned from such an early age to be so intimately connected to their own sexual arousal and sexuality in a way that girls really aren't. I was just working on a blog today about and released it with a video about, actually, this was yesterday now that I think about it. That was about this sex educator in this New York school that got basically was pressured into resigning. So for all intents and purposes, got fired because she was teaching second graders that it was normal to that. It was normal that it felt good to touch themselves and that that was something that should be done in private because that was their private parts.

That's all she said. Like there was a movie that said where the little boy said, what happened? You know, my penis gets hard sometimes and I like to touch it. Is that weird? And the commentator said, no, that's totally natural. Boy, you know, that's called an erection and it can feel good to touch your genitals, but that's your private parts and it's something to do in private. Like that's all they said. And the parents went crazy, which is insane to me. But the bottom line is that boys, whether or not they're allowed to hear about it in sex education, get the message everywhere that it's okay and that boys are sexual and always want it. Girls do not get raised or allowed or conditioned to be connected to their bodies and their sexuality in a positive way. it's always, I can't say always, but so often it is a transaction, unconscious transaction. She's not thinking transaction, but that's how she's conditioned. It's a way to get this guy to like me. It's a way to get him to commit to me. It's a way to get him from going with the other girl in the school who will have sex with him. That's how it starts. And then it becomes, it's a way to get him to want to date me. It's a way to get a ring on it. It's a way to get pregnant. There's always this exchange. Even in long-term relationships, women talk to me about

the honey-do list. When he does the things I want him to do, then I give him sex. It's still a transaction, but it's not something inherently like a beautiful, fabulous, God-given birthright of the woman. It's like something outside of herself. So then when her hormones slow down a little bit and she's tired and she'd rather be watching Bridgerton or doing some things on her to-do list, she doesn't really, and she already has the guy and has the babies and has the life, you know, she's like, what's the point? Like, I don't have the energy. I'd rather be doing these other things. But what will happen is when she does have sex, then she really enjoys it and thinks, oh, I should do this more often. So it's really about recognizing how crucial sex is and a

healthy sexual connection is to a successful heterosexual relationship or any relationship with a man, whether you're heterosexual or not. And that it is, you know, for a woman, it's really important to source your desire from places other than spontaneous horniness, especially if you've been raised this way. So sourcing it from wanting to be close to your partner, wanting to nurture or your relationship, wanting to let your partner know how much you love him, wanting to build a deeper connection, wanting to be in touch with your body, those start to be as much or more of a motivation than, ooh, I'm in the mood. What about from the man's perspective? So as somebody who's married or in a serious relationship, what could they be doing

proactively to help their significant other, their spouse or their significant other, maybe guide them to source their reasoning for doing it another way? Like, how do you either have that conversation or how do you help them on that path? Well, assuming she doesn't have like serious inhibitions or stories about what nice girls, you know, or that it's sex is bad or I'm a dirty, let's just assume it's natural decline in libido. She doesn't have any major hangups. Then it's really about, ironically, connection and taking the pressure off. So two of like some of the best things I have found sort of accidentally in my clinical work at first, but now it's become sort of part of the plan was that I would, you know, when couples would come in with this sort of dilemma, she was totally shut down and uninterested sexually, you know, things had gotten really complicated and awkward because now he didn't want to to initiate and she was avoiding physical affection because he might think, you know, there's all of these unspoken things that start to happen. So I would say, okay, no more sex for

the foreseeable future. We're going to take sex off the table. So that pressure and that expectation and is she, isn't she, all those unspokens are out of the equation. And for the time being, you're not going to have any sex. All you are going to do is spend 15 minutes twice a week without the kids, without technology, kissing, cuddling, making out, talking, no genital contact, it cannot lead to sex. You're just spending quality time together, sensually and physically affectionate, but not sexual. And I can't tell you, I would say, you know, this is just anecdotal, but probably 98% of

the time the couples come back and after a few weeks, they've started cheating and actually having sex because once she's allowed to drop into her sensuality and feeling really connected and romantic and cuddly and kissing and all of that kind of stuff without having to feel the pressure of like, and if I do this, if I enter into this exchange, then I'm going to have to have sex. And I'm just really don't feel that energy right now. Once she gets going and is in this more sensual framework. And once the pressure isn't there and the expectation isn't there, it almost makes it easier for her to want it. And that is counterintuitive, right? To like take the pressure off sex in order to get more sex. But I have found that the combination of that

with a lot more emotional connection and romancing in her language of romance, whatever that is, and taking things off her plate as much as possible so that she's less stressed and she feels your investment in the relationship and in the nest. Those three things really help surprisingly a lot. Well, it can't feel like an obligation and it can't feel like a job that you have to do. To your point, lowering the expectations, taking the pressure off. I know for me and my relationship timing is everything at night my wife is tired she's been working she had a long day she's a preschool teacher most people try to have sex at night it's the worst time it is the worst time but what i figured out is afternoon's great or morning's great and and

she's much more likely to want to do it then as opposed to evening time most women say that when they think about it if they have a moment of horniness or that would be nice it's like 10 or 11 a.m., you know, and they think, oh, maybe tonight. But by the time five o'clock rolls around, they're exhausted and they've moved on, you know. So it is about catching them at the right time, which is why also scheduling it can be really helpful, because if you know when it's happening and you know it's going to be 10 a.m. on Saturday or whatever, then you're also, you know, I always say that if men are like a microwave oven when it comes to sexual arousal and sexual interest. Women are a slow-burning stove that you got to stoke all week long with emotional

connection, non-sexual or non-demanding kissing and cuddling without it leading anywhere else, emotional connection. And then when the time comes, she's nice and warmed up. I have another question from the same individual who asked the question about talking about sex. The question is, Dr. Berman, do you have any tips on how to speak openly about libido or erection when it is negatively affected by medications such as antidepressants? This is from a man's point of view. And so any thoughts you have in that realm? Really common to have for women and men to have arousal issues, in particular from SSRIs, Prozac, Zoloft, those kinds of medications. The first thing is to talk to your prescribing doctor.

And if you just got, you know, an antidepressant from your general physician, I really want you to go to a psychiatrist or at least get a consult with a pharmaceutical consultant who can make sure that you're on the right medication and also understanding any side effects you're having may be able to help you shift medications because some antidepressants have more sexual side effects than others. The other thing that has been found in numerous studies is that if you, you know, I'm not suggesting you get off the antidepressants if you're depressed, because that's not going to help anything, including your sex life if you're depressed. When WestJet first took flight in 1996,

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Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at WestJet.com slash 30 years. But there have been numerous studies that show Viagra and the other drugs like it, Cialis, Levitra, those blood flow enhancing drugs actually can help to counteract those erectile function side effects of the SSRIs. So I would also talk to your prescribing doctor about maybe adding in some Viagra, which will help achieve and maintain erections. And in terms of being open about it, you know, I think for someone who is struggling with depression, you know, this is, I would mention it.

First of all, I wouldn't have sex with someone on the first date necessarily, especially if you have some performance anxiety, you want to feel a little bit of a comfort and a connection with them. And when you do have sex with them or you're getting ready to or you're talking about it, you know, saying to them, listen, I just want to tell you that I've been on a medication that sometimes causes a few side effects. It has nothing to do with you. And you just kind of are preparing them for that. You also make sure you're very well educated on how to please a partner. Right. So if things do go south in your functioning department, you're not dependent on intercourse in order to help her get to arousal or orgasm. In fact, only 30% of women reach orgasm with intercourse.

So there's lots of things you can do without an erect penis that will please her and leave her feeling good about the sexual encounter. So it's just about knowing how to do that and being open and honest and taking your time before you jump into a sexual scenario with someone and talking to the prescribing physician about either shifting the medication and or adding in a vasodilator like Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis. You say something there that made me think, as men, I think maybe we look at this very binary, either we're going to have sex or we're not, and it's intercourse. And so you just talked about that you don't need to have intercourse to have a sensual, intimate experience. And so my question to you is, do you have any advice for, I guess, what should be a healthy mix of experiences sexually, including like, okay, so I'm just going to throw this out there. Like if I'm going to have sex with my wife, I think there should be other times where it's not just that.

And I think hopefully she'll appreciate that. I'm curious, do you find with either clients that you've worked with or others that there is a good middle ground, you know, 60-40, 50-50 or anything like that. I know I'm a guy, so I'm trying to solve the problem, right? And trying to get like very specific. But I wonder if you found anything that is helpful from just a general makeup of sexual experiences. Yeah. Well, I would say that for most men whose penises work and can achieve and maintain an erection and can ejaculate with orgasm, or can have orgasm, they want to include that eventually, right, whether it's through intercourse, or through oral or manual stimulation, you know, but I call it Venus very

erotic, non insertive sex, I used to talk about that in terms of safer sex options, avoiding the exchange of, you know, fluid or whatever, for safer sex purposes, especially HIV prevention, But it applies to relationships, too. I think, you know, there's nothing wrong. Every sexual encounter can include intercourse if that's what you want. But it's also about including all of those other things. And especially and not only if you have any kind of sexual function issues, but especially if you do focusing on those things that are typically, you know, typically that it's typically that those things are the foreplay and intercourse is the home run. Right. That's the analogy that we use. And it's really about potentially turning, you know, those other bases into a home run and that you can absolutely. And so this is for men who have early ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, just want to broaden the playing field, you know, focusing and learning more about how to stimulate your partner through means other than intercourse. those things that are typically in the realm of leading up to intercourse, but making that the main act can be very satisfying. Now, I will say that when a woman has low libido, and isn't that interested, she will often be like, okay, let's just do it. Because she thinks if you just have intercourse, bada boom, bada bing, it's kind of it happens quickly. And then she can go back to

Bridgerton or whatever. I don't know if that's what's happening for you. But I do see that happen. So I have another question. This is another question from the same individual who's asked some amazing questions. So this is his last one, or so he claims, but we welcome more. So here's this question. If I have a certain preferences and my partner doesn't share them, how can I get her excited about that? She may have to try out certain things first to find out that she likes them. Is there a good way of doing this that we both feel comfortable? Yeah. I mean, I guess it depends on what it is, right? Like if what you're trying to do is a threesome, bringing someone else into the relationship, that's different than maybe trying anal sex, right? Or, you know, it depends on what it is, I guess, that you're wanting her to try or, you know, bondage or dominance and submission or a little S&M. She may be inhibited by that or have some nice girl stories or be afraid that it's going to hurt or be uncomfortable.

And then I think it's really important, especially if those are your unique preferences and something that's really important for you to get aroused and feel satisfied in a sexual relationship. You definitely want to be with a partner who is open to that and accepting of that. So, yeah, she may not be the most adventurous person on the block and willing to jump into any new sexual scenario. But I think if you can, you know, if you give me more specifics on what your preference is, but if you start off so, so let's say, you know, your thing is bondage and dominance, right? So maybe you don't like bind her up and choke her and tie her up against a pole, but you put on some furry handcuffs and leave her feet free at first. And you make sure you have a safety word and you make very clear what's off limits and what isn't off limits and what you'll be doing so she knows what to expect. And so you kind of help her get more comfortable with that by starting off really slowly and more innocently, get her used to that. And then you work your way up as the trust is built. And as she gets more comfortable to those other things, assuming she's willing, you know, and she may not be willing. And you obviously can't and shouldn't force someone who really isn't willing or interested in doing that. So it may just also be that she's not the right partner for you.

And that doesn't mean she's a bad person. That just means she's not sexually compatible with you. Let's say we're in a relationship that's maybe a newer relationship and we're still figuring out each other's likes and each other's dislikes. When should we start having the conversation? because to me, communication is so, it's important with everything that we do in life. Communication is everything,

but it's often a bit hard to communicate about sex. So what suggestions do you have in that realm? I think as soon as you know, you really want to have sex with that person and you're, you know, started to get physical with them, especially if you have any real preferences, you know, to start to talk about that is important. And I don't think, you know,

and it really is a conversation. I think you can acknowledge and even call out the awkwardness of it. You know, this isn't something that I'm not used to talking about. Often when you call out the awkwardness, it's less awkward, certainly than trying to pretend it's not awkward when it is. But I also think it's not just in the beginning of the relationship. You know, we're growing and evolving sexually throughout our lives, even if we're with the same partner during that entire our time, just by what we're exposed to, how we're evolving, what's changing in our bodies, what's turning us on, you know, we're all sort of works in progress. So I do think it's important to keep that conversation going with your partner, whatever stage of the relationship is every once

in a while to have that meeting, like, Hey, you know, um, how are things going? And is there anything that you really want to try? You know, here's what I was thinking. I really would love to try or the here's what has been on my mind that I think would really turn me on if we did this or that or you touch me this way. And having those conversations all the way through, I think is a super important part of a sexual relationship that grows with you. Where some see heroes and others see egos, Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes. While others follow the noise, we follow the money. Learn more at Bloomberg.com. Well, you're right because we change over time and our partner also changes over time. And even if you've been with somebody

for 10, 15, 20, or even 30 years, last week we spoke to somebody who says she's been in a relationship 32 years and the sex has never been good. And so with that in mind, knowing that there's this wide spectrum of people who have had either great sex lives or maybe not so great sex lives. The communication piece is so important. So what about timing? Is it something that we should be talking about before we start to have sex, in the middle? Is there a bad time to do it at the end? Yeah, I don't think it's good ever, ever to talk about it in the middle or in the sexual scenario. Not a good idea to introduce new ideas or complaints or constructive criticism. And after right after I wouldn't because you're sort of not in that nice dopamine place. But later on and before the next encounter, you do it in the positive. So, you know, you don't focus on what you don't want. You focus on what turns you on and what you do on. I was thinking that, you know, the other night was so amazing. And I loved when we did this, that and the other. And I was thinking it would really turn me on if we did more of this or I would love to try that.

And so you're having that conversation outside the bedroom and not in the middle and you're not springing something on your partner. And I think that tends to be the most successful way to bring those things up. What tips do you have for dating yourself and turning yourself on? Oh, that's a good one. I think it's so important if you want to fall in love with someone and for them to fall in love with you, you have to fall in love with yourself first. And that's the advice I always give, you know, my friends and clients when they've gone through

a breakup, take the time, do not jump into a relationship, take years, if you need to, at least a year, if it's been a long term relationship to discover and fall in love with yourself. And that means emotionally, as well as physically, I just did podcast interview that's going to be airing next week on the language of love with Jeffrey Marsh, who is non binary, a trans advocate, an amazing human being so smart and articulate and wrote a beautiful book called the art of being you. And it's one of the best books I've read about self love, self acceptance. You know, we talk all the time about self worth and self love. And people are like, Okay, but how do

you get there. He really does a great job using his own journey, but also in general, does a beautiful job of helping to lay out what really goes into building self-worth and self-love. So that's sort of from the emotional standpoint. From the sexual standpoint, I would say absolutely dating yourself. I think all of us should date ourselves all the way through, even if we're in a relationship because your body is evolving and changing what turns you on or how much stimulation you need, where you need the stimulation does evolve and change, especially as we age or go through different stages of our life. So exploring self stimulation, and it is important to do that consistently just for your health and blood flow and understanding your sexual response cycle,

but also as a form of self love. And so, you know, if it is part of your self love, self-discovery journey, then make it into something really beautiful and sensual. Run yourself baths regularly, use oils, massage oils into your skin, use a waterproof vibrator, use my sexual healing kit with the rose quartz wand to remove those negative energies from your yoni, you know, really create ritual around your relationship with your body. And that actually puts you in a beautiful place because the more you love and understand your own heart and your own body, the better quality person you attract into your life and the better quality person you're attracted to. And so the more you can work on that in your singledom, not only the better

quality life you'll have, but the better quality partner you'll have as well. I have another question. The question is, I'm in a celibate relationship until marriage. It's currently at three and a half years. Any ideas on intimacy or things we can do to grow intimacy? I guess it depends on what celibate means. By celibate, if you mean that you are not having intercourse, but you can do everything but, then you have a lot to work with there physically, sexually, right? You can do all sorts of activities, sensually, sexually, orally, manually, that don't involve intercourse or penises into any orifices, even in some cases, I've heard that's what virginity is for some people. I mean,

everyone has their own. I've even spoken to people who consider it themselves still a virgin if they have had anal intercourse, but not vaginal intercourse. So everybody's different. I don't know what your standard is, but if your standard is literally no sexual contact beyond kissing, then I would really focus, obviously I would stay away from those scenarios if you don't want to engage more physically, stay away from those scenarios where you might and really focus on emotional intimacy. I have a blog on my website. If you go to Dr. Laura Berman, I think it's 36 or 32 questions you can ask one another to grow intimacy, emotional intimacy, you know, really kind of getting into each other's minds and hearts and asking the big questions, not just about religion, you know, but real questions about childhood and wounds and stories and dreams.

And I think sharing all of that, as well as sharing your sexual ideas and preferences, and if you want to be sexually intimate without being physically intimate with each other, you can, you know, do it remotely. Skype or Zoom, you can have phone sex, you can have a conversation, you know, about your masturbation session last night, you know, there's all sorts of ways that you can kind of create and maintain that sexual tension. but you've probably heard me on here before as I've gently and lovingly confronted some people who make this decision. It's not that I have a problem with the decision not to be sexual until you're married. It's that I often have a problem with the why you're making the decision not to be sexual until you're married. And if that decision is coming from a place of shame or judgment or hell and damnation, then that is not something that just flips a switch once you have that ring on your finger and it's going to be super easy to swing from the chandeliers and have fun together. It's something that I find that shame is really embedded in there and I don't

support shame. So I just want to say that as I'm giving you advice on how to maintain that separation that I want you to look at that piece as well. One question I have is you describe in a lot of cases, women don't have the same sex drive, but there are some cases where women do have a very strong sex drive. Why is there that difference? Obviously not everybody's the same, but what have you found to be the common thread when you meet women who have a very, very strong sex drive, maybe even stronger than their significant others? And is there a problem with that? No, I don't think there's a problem with it. And I, and I think it's important to say that it's not always the woman that isn't interested very often. It's the man and that there's a

continuum of low desire. You know, a woman may be considered to have low desire because she's really only interested in having sex maybe once a week, but her partner wants to do it six times a week. And so what's low desire? Low desire is having really no little to no thoughts, fantasies, motivation to be sexual. And so very often, when I see younger women with high libido, that's really normal. It's more as we get to our mid to late 30s and beyond that I start to see women losing their desire. If a woman still has desire, then either she has really healthy hormones, she knows how to source her desire from those other places other than spontaneous horniness, or the transactional relationship she's created with her sexuality is such that it supports a

high libido. And what I mean by that is that if sex is the way that she feels valued, attractive, let's say, or good about herself, then she's going to want to have a lot of sex to get that confirmation. And that can be a blessing and a curse if she's having sex with lots of people for the wrong reasons, who aren't treating her well, but at the time she's just trying to feed her worth, that can be a problem. But very often when I see women with a healthy libido, especially beyond their mid to late thirties, it's because of one of those factors. Hey, Dr. Laura. So good to see you as always. I'm loving all the information. And when you were speaking about self-pleasure, so many different things came to mind. So this is

something that i've actually been speaking a lot over the last few weeks to women however um through like me just doing some studying and exploration one of the things that comes up is like you know if we're trying to learn something in university we have different learning styles you can be an auditory learner you can be like kinesthetic which is all about touch and i was thinking oh that can relate to sensual pleasure but i was thinking about like the visual side because when it comes to men I often see like videos online saying that you know porn is actually very detrimental and it's not a good thing so I was curious on your thoughts on porn and then secondly on if you have ideas for the different like learning types ways that people can arouse themselves without just

having to watch watch a video yeah okay so I don't think porn across the board is bad I think there can be a healthy use for it in a healthy relationship with yourself or with someone else. I think that a lot of the porn out there and the mainstream porn out there is typically geared toward male arousal and male fantasy. And when we get into trouble is when that becomes, which unfortunately it all too often becomes his primary source of sex education. So if you are taking from porn, what you think really turns a woman on, you're going to be misguided. you know, ejaculating, you know, touching her shoulder and then ejaculating in her face does not really make her writhe in orgasmic pleasure. You know, that is just for male fantasy, which is

fine. But I think using it as sex education is when we run into problems. Also, using it exclusively is when we run into problems, especially as we're starting to see younger and younger guys, early teens starting, you know, when they're masturbating constantly, like most teen boys do, but they're using the videos and the images being fed to them. It's sort of, they're starting to see some longer term results where it's harder to get aroused with a real woman because having it spoon fed to you in these rather aggressive ways

can skew your brain body connection to arousal. And so I always say to young men, it's not that porn is bad, wrong, dirty. It doesn't mean you can't look at it. It's A, knowing that that is not what turns a woman on. It is only fantasy. And also keeping your fantasy muscle alive. And what I mean by that is also practicing self-stimulation using your imagination and not just using the porn and keeping all those skill sets and all those synapse connections in your brain alive. When it comes to sensory learning

and building sensuality, I would say two things. One, to play to your strengths. So if you're more of a visual learner or an audio processor or whatever, then really build your sensory awareness. If you're someone who's really into smell, you know, spend a lot of time. The next time you eat an orange, really focus on how it smells, slowing down your senses. It doesn't just have to be in a sexual way. It can just be in a sensory way. And as we build our sensory awareness, that naturally creates more sensuality. But I also like the idea of helping people cultivate their other senses. So for me, I'm definitely more of a touch person, but I also really like to build the other senses, which I typically won't smell, no pun intended, won't spend as

much time on. So continuing to build all your senses, even if no one is better cultivated or more natural to you, I think is important as well. That's really fantastic. Thank you so much for clearing that up and for sharing that as well. Of course. Thanks for asking. So I have another question. Any advice for a man who ejaculates too soon before really satisfying a woman? What advice or suggestions do you have? Usually if that's happening, it's happening during intercourse. So more often than not, a man who has early ejaculation will be okay if he, certainly if he is giving the foreplay, maybe not if he's receiving manual or oral stimulation or having intercourse, but usually if he is giving and he won't be too

close to ejaculation. And then I would say, if you want to please a woman, you know, focus on that. So basically what you would be doing, it would be a two track kind of prescription of sorts. One is when you're with a woman to really focus on oral and manual stimulation and getting her to orgasm first before you even start the intercourse thing. First of all, because as I've said before, only 30% of women reach orgasm through intercourse anyway. It's usually through those other means. And secondly, it takes a while for a woman. It takes your average woman who really understands her body and can have vaginal orgasms up to 20 minutes or longer to have an orgasm through intercourse. It takes your average guy who doesn't have early ejaculation seven and a

half minutes. So there's 12 and a half minutes there in an orgasm gap, even with those people that are, you know, don't have issues. So really focusing on those other things before intercourse, to orgasm. Then you don't have the pressure to get her there during intercourse, which is hard enough as it is. And you probably aren't that close to orgasm as you're focused on her as much as when she's focused on you. The other thing I would say is to practice on your own techniques. And I have some videos on YouTube about this, but techniques for slowing down your ejaculation, using your breath and muscles. And you practice that during self-stimulation alone without the pressure of a partner. So if 10 on a scale of one to 10 is the point of no return, what we call

ejaculatory inevitability, it's happening no matter what. You get yourself to a seven of arousal, and then you either pull back using, you know, taking your hands away, squeezing your muscles, sometimes even squeezing the tip a little bit. There are different techniques, but you slow yourself down to like a five and then you start stimulating again and get yourself to a seven and then back down to a five and then back up to a seven. And you're doing this on your own. And it's a great way to learn ejaculatory control. Tantra tantric techniques are a beautiful way to also cultivate your ejaculatory control. And a lot of men are using, you know, obviously with a prescription Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, some of those vasodilators, because even if they do

ejaculate, if they are taking those medications, they can get an erection again really quickly. And so it's not that big of an issue that they ejaculate. So I think the combination of all of those, and 30% of men have early ejaculation. It's the most common issue. There's also an amazing product out there that I really like. I ended up investing in the company because I was so impressed with this product it's called promescent and they have a way you put it on the penis it's like an oil but it goes beneath the skin to the nerve receptors underneath the skin of the penis so it's not rubbing up off on her vulva or vagina and limiting her sensation but it is slowing down his sensation so he can still have an orgasm and he still has sensation but it's

less intense. And that is an over-the-counter product called Promescent, P-R-O-M-E-S-C-E-N-T. And I've been really impressed with how well it works for people. We talked already about this idea of communicating to help your partner know what may interest you or what you want to try, what you want to experience. We didn't talk as much about finding out what your partner wants, what will help them. And especially from a guy's perspective, what suggestions do you have to have that kind of conversation? Because you said not in the middle, but as I think about this, I'm just, again, just kind of visualizing this idea of like, there's no better time than when you're doing it to understand how to better do it.

Well, you can say like, do you like this or tell me what you like, or, you know, do you, does this feel good? I mean, those kinds of things you can definitely do. But, you know, to have like a running commentary and direction during sex or constructive critique during sex is not going to work. Certainly talking to her outside the bedroom and saying, you know, I really want to please you as much as possible. And if there are things that I could be doing more of or focused on more, I really want you to let me know that all that being said, I find it still almost shockingly common. And I don't get shocked by much, but I'm pretty astounded often by how few women know what turns them on sexually. And they've somehow gotten the idea through the

media, through conditioning, through shame, whatever, that they just need to be with the right guy. And he just needs to know what to do. And if I'm just with the right person, you know, And so you'll say like, what do you like or what do you want? And she'll be like, I don't know. I don't know what I like, you know, and they really don't know. And that's where encouraging your partner to really understand her own body and to explore herself and to learn what feels good to her, then it can be translated into sex with someone else.

What does that look like, though? Because it's such a great point. You said exactly what I was thinking, that I'm sure a lot of women don't actually know. what they like just like a lot of men maybe they don't fully know fewer of them don't know the fewer of them right they figure it out they figure it out but to your point especially true with women yeah and so how do you encourage a woman to explore their body to become more in tune with what they like you say dr burman said so it's a prescription i mean i literally have to say that to women because the women who don't know are typically women who have a lot of

inhibitions and a lot of shame that they've been raised with around their sexuality otherwise left to her own devices a woman will start a girl will start with self-stimulation later than a boy on average mostly because her stuff isn't just hanging out there you know calling her attention the way boys are their penises are anyway but but girls will discover self-stimulation and if not interrupted by shame or religious constrictions or other things, will kind of understand their body, know what turns them on. When you get an adult woman who has no clue and has never self-stimulated, that is unbelievably common, but it is a result of inhibitions and shame almost always. And so you as the partner, you know, even when I have those women in my

office or on the show or whatever, I will say to them, this is really important, not only for your relationship, but for your health. It is a way to understand your body, understand your arousal cycle, stay in touch with yourself, recognize when something isn't working or when something's changing. So it's not that it's a good idea to masturbate. I am prescribing masturbation to you, you know, I sometimes have to say to your partner, you know, if you're that woman's partner, it's about, look, you know, I, I love you. I love your body. I love our sexual connection. And my greatest longing for you is that you understand how much power your body has and how beautiful your sexuality is. And if you're not willing to do this for you, or you're not

sure how do it for us and do it for the relationship, I'm going to run you a bath. I'm going to give you these bath oils and this little toy, and I'm going to put out some candles, and I'm going to set this all up for you, and then the kids and I are going out for an hour, or we're leaving the house, and your only job is to explore yourself and to see what feels good and what doesn't feel as good, and to just enjoy yourself. And if you reach orgasm, that's great. If you don't, that's fine too, but it's just about understanding your body and starting to practice with that.

Okay. Okay, so the same individual who asked about dating yourself and turning yourself on, she wants to know, how do you get comfortable with your body, especially as it changes? And she says, my body in my 20s is different than my body in my 30s. And it's changed the way I engage with sex. Also, curious how to let go of the past comparison of body from before versus now, so she can let go and have more fun in the bedroom. Yeah, you know, that's something that's a really interesting question. And it's been up for me on a whole new level. Personally, lately, if you go to my Instagram page of Dr. Laura Berman, there are probably like 10 videos on the IGTV called being in body. And you'll see several of those videos of me talking about being in the body and what and as I've been doing that partly just to heal my grief is how it started.

But what it's evolved to and what I've been talking about recently is body image. And I've put on a lot of weight, not only over the pandemic, but because of just trauma and grief and almost like wanting to unconsciously put a padding around me in the world. And as I've done that and come out like publicly squeezing my fat belly and showing myself in a way that I never would normally do. If I don't have the perfect weight and size, you know, I'm someone that has always fluctuated in my weight.

I've never been the size zero that, you know, and the only way that you can maintain that size beyond your 20s is through shame, severe shame and severe scarcity with yourself. I'm not talking about a healthy, thin, realistic weight. I'm talking about the size zero that most of us feel like we need to be to match the starlets and the people in the airbrush pictures we see on social media. And so I'm really interested in moving beyond that. And what's been coming up for me lately is just all the ways that I bought into

that. Like who's to say that we have to be a certain size in order to be desirable, in order to get a good job, in order to find a good partner, in order to have the respect and admiration of others? And who's to say that we even need the admiration of others in order to feel good about ourselves? And why the hell do we get so embarrassed and ashamed if our bodies aren't perfect? You know, that's something that we do to each other and we do to ourselves. I'm not talking about being a hundred pounds overweight and your heart is at risk. And, you know, I'm talking about being healthy and strong and active and eating healthy. And all of that is important. It's an important part of self-love. When it shifts over to self-hate and poor self-worth is when we try to match and sustain an unrealistic ideal. And I can tell you that if it's about being attractive to other people, I have yet to find an emotionally, not just a somewhat emotionally mature man.

I'm not talking about, you know, the pinnacle of emotionally mature men, but I have yet to find a man that you would want to have a relationship with who wouldn't say, oh, sure, you know, okay, a model's body would be great, but that's not really what it's about for me. It's about her confidence. It's about how good she feels in her body. It's about her openness. It's about her connection to herself and her sexuality and me in the moment. And that's why you see all of these women who don't have the perfect body or face and have men falling all over them. It's because they have that healthy relationship with their own body and their own sexuality. And I can't tell you how often I hear from women that they shut down from being naked in front of their partner or from enjoying a sexual connection with a partner because of this ridiculous shame that they have about meeting this unrealistic, unsustainable idea. Everyone

I know, it doesn't matter what genes you were born with. I don't know a woman that reaches mid to late thirties and can sustain a size two or zero, which some of these women want to sustain without chronically dieting, withholding, and shaming themselves. And it's not realistic and it's not fair to do to yourself. So I don't support that. Anyway, watch the videos because I think you can go on the journey with me. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode of Language of Love. I love all these questions from you.

and you remember that you can keep them coming. You just go to drlauraberman.com right there on the homepage. You can either leave a voicemail question or an email question. You can also go to speakpipe.com backslash languageoflove directly and leave a voicemail question as well.

But it's sometimes easier just to click on the link. I will meet you back here. A brand new podcast is coming out next Wednesday. So look for that. Make sure to subscribe if you like it. And I'll see you next time on the Language of Love. We'll see you next time. trillion dollar swings, the end of jobs, or the end of human struggle, we see the endless funds fueling the AI hype. While others follow the noise, we follow the money. Learn more at bloomberg.com.