Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Springing Back Into Action

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

Dating can be a challenging proposition no matter which stage of life you find yourself walking through, but especially if you’ve been out of the game for some time. Setting standards and knowing what you’re looking for in a mate are critical steps.    In this Language of Love session, I spend time with Mary, a woman trying to navigate the often-complicated dating terrain to find her person. The challenge she faces is she thinks she knows what she wants, but I help her realize she’s actually focusing too much on what she doesn’t want! Listen in as I walk her through the process everyone should get clear on if they are seeking to manifest the love they most desire.  Resources and Links Dr. Laura Berman Language of Love Podcast Laura Berman Instagram – Dr Laura Berman Facebook – Dr Laura Berman Youtube.com – Dr Laura Berman Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Mary, welcome to the language of love. What's up? How can I help?

Okay. I am ready to go out dating again, and I've done a lot of work and grief work and all kinds of things. I was married for 27 years and my husband died 10 years ago. I kissed a couple of frogs and learned some lessons on all different levels. And I did go on match once before Christmas and I ran away right away because the guy told me something scary about his mom. And I was like, oh no, he's too, too messed up. So anyway, my energy work is like, I know I'm attracting the person that I have clear in my head with flexibility, but I'm concerned about the confusion with, I'm going to go online dating because I've been everywhere, done everything. I have a lot of passions. I'm part of the community. I dance and it's just not happening

that way for me. I'm confused, I guess, confused, concerned about dating a couple of different guys and then do i tell them right away that i'm dating or like one guy i've actually it's been three years since i had sex with anyone so someone who's been pursuing me for years who's not my material for longevity in other words he's not a keeper but you okay not but i'm good now so now i'm like okay i want more i want someone who wants more someone who's spirit ready to grow spiritually with me and maybe be a great role model. Well, will be not maybe for my daughters if needed. How old are your daughters? 24 and 28. And my stepdaughter is almost 40. Okay. So I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I want to be open and honest because I'm very honest.

And so like, do you go like, oh, I'm dating somebody. If somebody says, well, you sleeping with them or I just want to know how to navigate how to navigate dating many people at once as you're going to do in other words yeah even though I've done I've been on smart dating academy for eight years too but you have Bella yes I met you two at the same time on Steve Harvey so putting it all into play is where it's interesting that I'm circling back and we're here yeah I think this is great. And it's natural when you, for the forties and under really, they've kind of come of adult age and dating on dating apps, right? If you were married or in a relationship and have gotten out of it in the past 10 years, right? But you kind of came up through that age,

you know, lots of people of our age and stage don't necessarily know how to navigate this online dating thing. But the good news is when you are on one of these apps and you meet someone through one of these apps, it is basically the default understanding that you are dating multiple people until a conversation is had. And so you don't need, for your integrity purposes, I'm not saying you don't want to know on your end, are you dating other people, right? That's perfectly okay to ask. But you don't have to offer that you're dating other people. Now, that's important to know on both sides, right? So you need to know that you don't need to alert the date that you're dating other people. It's kind of assumed at first until it seems like something really might be

there. And then the idea is that you have a conversation, right? And we can talk in a minute about that conversation. And then it's also important to know that they're going to be dating. They're probably dating a lot of people as well. Unless they say, I'm not dating anyone else, you can assume they're dating other people and you can assume they're probably having sex with other people. And that's a question to ask yourself.

Like the things that I feel like is important to focus on when you're a newbie to online dating and you're getting ready to start that is like, where are your boundaries? What do you really want, first of all? Like, do you want a monogamous relationship? Do you want to just play the field for a while? Are you looking, are you really like,

because some people get online dating they just want to date and feel what's possible but it sounds like for you you're really ready to find a life partner is that right yes however I don't feel I feel that I need to date a few people that I feel are close to what I think I need I might get something totally different and go, oh, my gosh, great. Just to be open to. No, but your goal is to you're going to take your time. You're going to date lots of people. But your goal is to find your forever person. And what about sexually? How do you feel about having because there's a couple of ways to go about this. One is if you don't want to have sex with someone who is probably having sex with lots of other people,

then we have to talk about it that way. And then there's the question of, do you wait to be sexual? So there's two ways to do that. One is that if you're dating someone online, like I said, they're not only dating a lot of other people, they are likely, unless they say that they're a virgin or something,

they are likely having sex with other people as well. So if you are looking for a monogamous relationship and you're wanting to take your time, honestly my recommendation and this really clears the air is you don't say this on the very first date and obviously you don't have sex on the very first date hopefully I mean you could but not if you want a monogamous relationship eventually with that person so after like the second or third date when it's clear that you're into each other that you like each other that there's attraction there you say look I just want to be clear with you about something I think you're really attractive

I'm having a really good time getting to know you. You know, I feel like there's some chemistry there, but I just want to make sure I'm clear that I don't have sex with anyone until we're both clear that, you know, not that we're ready to walk down the aisle, but that neither one of us are planning on having sex with anyone else. And if that changes, then obviously part of the understanding is that we would talk to each other about that. But I'm not interested in getting set and becoming sexual with someone who's currently being sexual with someone else. Right. And so you're not even at that point necessarily because you may not know. Right. Like for some people, they're like, I don't want to have sex with anyone until I'm sure I want to be in a monogamous relationship with them. The example I just gave you, you're saying I don't want to have sex with someone who's currently involved sexually with anyone else. And I'm not even sure I want to be monogamous with them. Right. You're not offering that.

If you did want that, if you didn't want to have sex unless you were ready to be monogamous with someone and commit to them in that way, at least, then you would frame it that way and say, hey, exactly what I just said, but I don't have sex with someone until we're both clear that we really don't want to date anyone else and we really want to focus on this relationship and see where it goes. And then you're kind of setting the stage, making things clear. And you don't offer that to someone unless you feel like this is someone. And it doesn't mean you have to be sure of them. Right. But that you can tell by the second or third date what someone's about. If there's chemistry, if there's kind of an understanding, if you get along, if if things are in ease and flow, you can get a sense of their values and how they behave. So you should know by then, not necessarily if you want to be monogamous with them, but if you if there's some real promise there. Yeah. OK. Does that answer your question about part of it? Yes. Yes. Because that part of it, the physical part is now like it's like now that I got it, it's like I know that's what I'm missing in my life because I'm very happy. otherwise. And I have men in my life and friends and go dancing. And I get, I call it my testosterone fix, you know, having the interaction with people on the dance floor and women. But now I know I would not have sex with anyone unless I felt connected to them. And it would probably take

me longer because I have like this infatuation stage and all the hormones. Like you think you like someone like, I'm like, no, no, that's not real. Don't do it. My body is sacred to me now. I'm 62 years old. So I would really have to feel like connected to you and like, trust you. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with you. And it's a tough call. Like it's tough for me to talk about this because I, I try to be really, I'm open, like whoever, however, anyone wants to have sex, I have no problem with it. Right. And if someone wants to have sex on upon first meeting someone or with 20 people a week, whatever, like, you know, you got to be careful with STDs and things like that. But I think what a lot of people don't understand and you're kind of alluding to

is that there is especially for women, because we receive right with somebody enters us and not that it doesn't affect men, too, but there is an energetic hangover to sex, whether we like it or not, whether we care about that person or not, whether we're bonded to that person or not, everyone we take into our bodies is leaving an energetic remnant of themselves behind. And so I feel like just energetically, it's so important to be clean and clear and have boundaries and not let anyone in there who you don't want to take on the energy of like that's.

Yes. And I learned that big deal. I learned that from you. you know I rarely drink so that's a good thing because people who go out and have a few drinks you know I've known people who you know on the first day they're done and some people end up together and they're like oh my gosh I'm not doing that and that's me like at all yeah so I'm probably a little bit I feel I'm a little too guarded with my energy with that but I will know So I just know that I have I'm trying to be open and allow other people in, even if they tell me their mom was the crazy mom and or whatever.

Don't jump. It doesn't matter if they had a crazy mom or they have a crazy family. We all do. I mean, Lord knows I had a crazy family. It really had. And I think I'm a pretty I mean, we have to ask my husband, but I think I'm a pretty good partner most of the time, at least. But I think it's about how much work and healing you've done. Right. So don't write someone off just because they mention an abusive history or they're a toxic mother or whatever else. It's the follow up piece of like, so how do they deal with that? How do they move with it? What kind of boundaries do they set? What kind of healing? I'm not saying you interview them in the moment about this, but you watch and you listen and you ask a few questions here and there where you start to get a sense of like, is this person emotionally healthy? Like what I would encourage you, and we'll talk in a second about what to really look for for you specifically, but for all of us, if you want a healthy, emotionally,

not to mention physically vibrant relationship, you want to get in a relationship with someone. And it doesn't mean they don't have shadows because Lord knows every single one of us have those. But are they able to be friends with their shadows? Are they willing to explore their shadows? Are they open to learning? At this age and stage of your life and the guys you're going to be dating, have they been on any kind of journey of personal growth and discovery?

Are they in therapy or have they ever been in therapy? What kind of healing work have they done? You can tell this just by the way they talk. So I'm just saying that because I don't want you to like write anyone off who's ever been wounded because you're going to be sitting in your living room alone for a really long time because that guy, he actually lived in Santa Monica. That's where he does all kinds of work because he had a divorce from hell, too. But yeah, I just was like, oh, my gosh, you know, this poor child, what he told me.

And you just like seem like working so hard to stay up high. And I'm like, I don't know. I'm going to pull me down. Yeah. See, that's something that I think you have. Nobody can pull you down, right? When you feel that way, that means that that you're white knuckling your high frequency a little bit.

Not that it's not authentic, but that you aren't like you're working to keep it there. You know what I mean? and obviously we all have to work sometimes to keep it there, but the more you're willing to be with those shadow parts and dark parts of yourself, the more those parts of you have less of a hold on you and they in and of themselves get lighter. So you don't have to hold on to the light so that you're not sucked in because that which sucks you in is no longer as powerful. Right. And so I get it that if you're like struggling a little bit consciously or unconsciously to stay on what Abraham Hicks would call your high-flying disc, that high-frequency

place. That takes work and effort and conscious intention for you that it would feel tentative or scary to be around someone who isn't naturally there as well. I just want to suggest that you stay a little open-minded to that. Now, if someone is seriously depressed or is struggling to stay afloat then that would be hard that's okay that's what I mean yeah I'm working on that like if someone complains about something or whatever and I'm like oh my god like no you gotta stop that you're gonna be alone all by yourself if you're if you make that a rule because that borders on and and this isn't a criticism of you and I'm not saying this is you but what you're describing borders on toxic positivity, like good vibes only. I'm not going to let any, you know,

the world doesn't work that way. You walk out on the street and there are people all around you that are now more than ever that are off the rails, angry, fly into a rage at you, are sad. People around you are going to be sad or scared or angry. And so it's not about only allowing high vibration things and people around you. It's about remembering that you are a beacon of light and you can transmute anything to light and nothing has to affect you unless you want it to. Right. Or you allow it to. And while bad moods can be contagious energetically, they don't have to be if one of you is willing to put up to hold your own frequency. And the only way we're able to hold our own positive outlook and frequency as if we've already been doing our work to deal

with our own shadows so that they don't so easily suck us down because they're not that vortex of suction isn't really there anymore. Once we do that healing work, once we're willing to be with the darkness, once we're willing to go into the belly of the beast and really feel it and be with it and rise from it again and again and again, then you start to feel the comfort and resilience audience that, yeah, I can be sucked down. I can be disappointed. I can be around someone who's really kind of sucks the energy out of the room. Not that I'm going to choose to hang out with them all the time, but I can be around that and it doesn't have to affect me. Right. So just be really careful of that when you're vetting your potential dates, because you're going to have a

hard time finding someone who doesn't have some shadows. We all do. Yes, absolutely. We're human. I mean, we did have some deep talks that the guy and I, but yeah, I just working on communicating and understanding and connecting that the feelings are okay. That someone has, if they complain about something or whatever, that's about them. Yeah. And I, I'd prefer not to go out to dinner with you anymore. If you're going to treat the server that way. That's important information, right?

Like, and how, right. Because I have a girlfriend who's really particular. In fact, I'm pretty, my husband makes fun of me because I change every order, you know, or just order things as they are. But I'm really nice about it and I'm really appreciative about it and I'm not complaining, right?

But I also have a girlfriend who does sometimes, like she'll get stuff and something is overcooked or undercooked or whatever, and she will not even send it back because she doesn't wanna, you know, right? So there's two ends of the spectrum and or you could send it back and say, listen, I'm so sorry, but I really hate chives and chai. Like I'm allergic to them or they make me sick. And this drives me crazy, by the way.

That's why I'm mentioning I'm not allergic and they don't make me sick, but it drives me crazy that they never put chives on the menu. They give you every detail of what's in the dish and then they sprinkle chives all over, all over it. And you can't even take the chives off and they don't put that in the ingredients. And when they're or in the in the menu description. So anyway, something like that will happen and she will just suck it up and like try to eat around it or whatever. And so I don't think there's anything wrong with complaining if it's the complaint, it's a request and it's polite.

So, yes. Listen, regardless of your sexual orientation or your gender or your relationship status, every single one of us has struggled at one point or another with a lackluster or disconnected sex life or difficulty finding the partner that we most desire. So I have designed an amazing program for you. Seven Days to Better Sex. Each day, you're going to get a video and an information packet all designed to help you jumpstart your love life. Just go to www.drlauraberman.com. So that's what I mean. I feel that you're so guarding your frequency that that's the biggest rate limiting factor and you giving people a chance and finding love is like you're on the

frequency defense. And what I want you to do is be frequency confident. Yes. See the difference? Yes. I do. And give them a chance. Right. And don't jump to too many conclusions because that's just your system trying to write people off. That doesn't mean you have to let them into your body. It doesn't mean you have to marry them. Doesn't mean you have to take them to meet your kids. but you can give someone two or three dates if there were redeeming qualities about them that even if things weren't perfect even if the chemistry wasn't initially through the roof even if they're not yeah there's there's nerves there's trying to be whatever yeah in the beginning they're who they are and not who i'm making up in my head or going home

you know, whatever. Meet them as who they are and not who you're afraid they might be. Well, yeah, that's happened to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I really have never had a man I could 100% trust. So I'm ready. I will. I will be meeting a man. I mean, the universe is just showing me it's like cards of all these different men that are like a compilation of and i'm like okay all right i feel like i feel it and that's why i finally took action to do this and i would say maybe try bumble first because that's a little more female directed i mean not all the guys obviously there were there are trolls and creeps on every platform and every one of these platforms, you have to kiss a lot of princes or a lot of frogs, excuse me,

before you find your prince. But I feel like when you go on an app that is female directed, right, you're willing to kind of let her take the lead a little bit. And you have to be confident. You have to be not necessarily, I mean, there are men on there that are just looking to get laid, of course, but maybe a little bit less on there because of the way that it's female driven. And so I would explore that. And I would also make sure, I know you said you've done the smart dating category, make sure that your profile really reflects what you want, right? Like, so do you know what you don't want? Do you know what you want? What do you want? Yes. I want someone who wants to be interdependent with me. I want someone who's conscious and knows what that means. Or if I put the word ego in there or something, I want someone who is spiritual and not religious. I've had a lot of that and they're like, well, what does that mean?

And like, you know, and I'm open to everything, but someone who will be on that level with me, I'm open to what they do. And an honest person who is truly who they say they are. Okay. And then if you had that, if you were waking up next to someone who was authentic and honest, spiritually attuned, emotionally mature, trustworthy, how would you feel? Safe. safe did you say okay that's gonna be I mean that's beautiful and I'm so glad you said that

and that is gonna be your compass for like do I feel safe with this person but my only concern and I'm not saying this should prevent you from trying this or dating but I also feel like just from the this conversation that the desire for safety while totally a normal feeling to want in a relationship in your case is also going to be a potential barrier to love, right? Because that desire to feel safe comes from, as you alluded to, from being hurt and betrayed and gobsmacked a lot through your life. And now you're not just trying to be safe from that, from betrayal or people not being and doing what they say they are or are going to do. But now you've added in a new layer of you've got to keep your frequency safe, right? You got to keep your mood safe. So there's

all of this already in the field around you, so much resistance versus curiosity, so much self-protection versus openness. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but it's a tricky thing because it means you're going to write off a lot of people that don't deserve to be written off. I've done that with at least six men. Right. And that there is a way in which you might in your because safety is based in fear. And I'm not saying it's invalid fear. It's valid fear. Right. So so the need for safety comes from fear. And if your dating life is being driven by the need for safety, a.k.a. fear, what are you going to accidentally be a magnet for? right because you're not there's two ways to come at the desire for safety right like okay so let

me use myself because your issue I have lots of issues but your issues are not my issues so I can use myself as an example here so I don't have this issue of safety even though I've been gobsmacked a lot in my life in other ways and even in love I've been betrayed a lot in love I've had 20 years of really trust, you know, I, I now know thanks to my husband, he was the first one to teach me that there are amazing men who are loyal and wonderful and trustworthy and honest and authentic. Right. So I don't have that, but I definitely, if, if God forbid something happened to him or our relationship somehow blew up and I was out there in the dating world, I would also want to feel safe, right? Like I would want someone who, if I would say the same thing, I want someone,

I would probably have a very similar description to what you gave. I want someone who is spiritually attuned, who's self-aware, who's authentic, who's loyal, who's honest, all of those things. And what would come to me when someone asked me that question, how do you feel? It would feel, I would say things like connected, excited, inspired, right? Even though I want to feel safe too. Those things would make me feel safe. Safety is not my driving need, right? In love. I mean, I know it's not the reason you want love, but it is a driving need in love, right? And so if your driving need is a fear-rooted need, then that is flavoring the energy that you're putting yourself out there to the dating world. So A, that's going to make you super

defensive, suspicious, writing people off and B, you now are in a frequency fear of the frequency of fear, right? And so what is that going to, that's not going to bring in these amazing men. So all of this is to say, what is going to make you feel you don't yet, you've done all this amazing work on yourself and you've been able to call in all of this amazing stuff into your life in a community and you feel happy, as you say. But I think there is a tenuousness, a fragility to your happiness and your peace that you could be too easily knocked off of it. There is a way in which maybe it's time to go to some of the darker places that you tend to avoid in yourself so that you can have the experience and learn because you're clearly very smart and able to grow and

learn very effectively. But when you start having that experience of that book, I always think about that parenting book, The Blessing of the Skin Knee is the name I think of the book. And the premise is you let your kid fall and scrape their knee and get hurt because then they learn, yeah, hey, sometimes you get hurt and I can still go out there and try to do fun, crazy things, right? And I maybe will adjust and be a little bit safer, but I also will learn that when I scrape my knee, it heals and I'll be okay. And then it's fine, right? So it's a blessing to learn that I can hurt myself or be hurt. And it's a blessing for the parent to let the child learn that rather than rushing in to swoop them up before they fall and scrape their knee. That's

the premise of the whole book. That's what I've done with my kids, but then putting it to play with myself. Like when you just said the word safe before you said peace, I was like, well, the whatever, the same word would be peace. Cause I always think, oh good. My life's peaceful right now. I have peace. And if I let somebody in, they might mess with it. Right. But nobody can mess with it. Yes, we all want peace, but what I want you to do is, because what you've done is wrap yourself and your life in this beautiful, brilliant kaleidoscope bubble wrap of peace and safety, but inside you are not peaceful and safe because you're afraid of losing your peace and safety, Right. So the only way you gain confidence in the fact that you cannot nobody and nothing, I mean, maybe for a minute, maybe for an hour, maybe for a couple of days, someone can take away your peace and safety.

Right. But they really can't ever take away your peace and safety. And you can't learn that, really know that. Like, I know you know that, but you can't really know it until you get some experience of going into those dark places and rising from them and going in and being in the pain, which sucks and hurts and is uncomfortable and then moving through it and realizing it. And then you start to actually create some resilience in yourself where you don't have to hold on so tight to that beautiful, gorgeous, protective frequency shield you put on. Does that make sense? Yes, it does. Good. So that's what I know you I can tell, you know, you don't like to go to those corners

of those places. Who does? Right. I just can't like I can't access them. I don't feel them. Like when I think of all of those things, I just say to myself, this happened. Of course, I've gotten very angry in my last relationship. I've been angry and done work around that recently around communication.

I took a really good workshop called Love at First Sight, Fight, Love at First Sight. Oh my God, changed everything for me with everyone. And the words, the words, the soft emotions, this is what got me going. And the hard emotions. So I can go to hard emotions first, which I really don't show anger a lot. I have to be really mad or upset or, you know, someone has to do something to me or I'm scared to get really angry, like hitting the pillow, like we talked about. I'm just like, well, that happened, you know, this happens and nothing's really permanent anyway. So, OK. Yeah. Well, so then why is it so scary in love? It is because it takes effort to do that. Yeah. It doesn't have to take effort. I don't want to let somebody in and let them. And yeah, I'm like, no, maybe it's not worth it. But it is because I know the work is I'm going to do the work. And I'm willing to do the hard work.

Yeah. And I would also say, like, get into some somatic experiencing because you're such a good bypasser, which is a beautiful gift. And we don't want to undo that gift or throw it away. We want to keep it. It's not it's I can't it's like. Yeah. But I do want you to work with someone who can help you get beneath that defense and

bypass your thinking brain that rationalizes and moves to those better feeling thoughts and allows you to kind of move out and move through some of the more painful, sad, scared, and maybe angry, whatever. But the stuff that, that you are, that you don't like feeling like for me, and this was, did not happen until Sammy died. And I went to the, you know, I had no choice and, but it was, has been one of the greatest gifts that have come out of it. I spent my entire life and probably the reason I became a therapist to help others find ways to avoid or release or not be in pain. I wanted to avoid pain at all, emotional pain at all costs. When I was a little baby or a little girl and could hardly talk, I remember my parents thought it was so funny

because people would say, what do you want to do? And I would say, I either want to be a nurse because, you know, back then there were no female doctors. So I either want to be a nurse or a comedian, which seemed like such a random thing for a kid to say, but it makes total sense to me now because from the time I was little, that was how I could take away my mother's pain. I could either make her laugh. It was also the way I could stay safe. I could make someone laugh or I could pet them and soothe them and take care of them and make them feel loved. And then I could make them feel better. And even inside me, I never had a model in a healthy way to deal with pain. Now, pain is my constant companion. If you had told me that pain was going to be my constant

companion one day, I would have wanted to off. That seems like the worst thing that could ever happen, like an anvil around my neck for the rest of my life. But the truth is, it's just one of many, many, many companions. And so grief comes in and I sit with it and I feel it. I say hello and I let myself cry and scream and I let myself go into the belly of the beast and it takes about 15 minutes and then I'm done and then I'm lighter and then I'm not driven, directed or avoiding the pain. I'm free. It is a freedom that I didn't know because there's no emotion that scares me, right? There's no pain that scares me. So I'm not scared or freaked out by being around other people's pain because I know what to do with mine, right? And I think, so that's what I'm

wanting for you, for you to kind of get that sense of agency and comfort and resilience that pain is not something to be avoided. It can't be avoided without white knuckling it in one way or another, right? It is just a state of being that you move through. And so I just really want you to do that work as or before you start looking in earnest for your forever person or else I'm afraid, afraid, but I'm worried that it will dissuade you further, right? That you'll use, okay, so just forget it. I'm not going to even try this, right? Because it's not working because I'm rejecting everyone unconsciously or I'm to at the effect of everyone

and everything around me, right? So that's where I want you to put your attention on that somatic piece and see if after you do a little bit of that, after you start to recognize that you are, not that you don't want to feel safe, that you can trust that what someone says they mean and that they're going to do what they say they're going to do

and they're going to be honest. But if safety is what is driving you or is the feeling you're most seeking, that to me means there's some fear to release before you can find true safety and you're not going to ever find it in someone else perfect this is better than i expected the you know more than you hoped yes thank you you're so welcome keep us posted on how it goes okay Absolutely. I will 100%. You know I will. All right. Thank you.