Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Stop Asking for Romance - Do This Instead

Episode Date: July 9, 2025

Does your partner feel more like a roommate than a lover lately? You’re definitely not alone—and you’re not wrong for wanting more. In this Language of Love Session, I help Shauna, who’s been with her partner for three years. She misses the early days—the surprise love notes, spontaneous date nights, the simple act of hand-holding. Now? It feels like they’re stuck in a routine, more like roommates navigating a to-do list than lovers sharing a life. She’s tried dropping hints, even having honest conversations, but nothing seems to shift. Her question: How do I ask for more romance without making him feel like he’s failing? Together, we dig into why passion so often fades in long-term relationships—and how to revive that spark with intention, not pressure. You’ll learn: Why the “infatuation phase” ends—and what comes next in a healthy love story The sex-romance stalemate: what it is and how it silently sabotages connection How to give your partner a roadmap to romance (without it feeling like a chore) Why men and women often feel loved in very different ways—and how to bridge the gap How emotional and physical intimacy feed each other in a lasting relationship What role sexual availability plays in inspiring affection—and how to talk about it The subtle ways your own behavior might be discouraging romance (and how to shift it) When to seek couples therapy—and why it’s not just for marriages in crisis Plus, I share a simple, powerful communication strategy that invites your partner into deeper connection—without shame, blame, or ultimatums. If you feel stuck in a routine that no longer feels like love, this episode is your invitation to begin again. Have a question about your own love life? Email me at [e-mail] to be featured in a future episode—or even join me live on the show. Looking for tools to deepen your connection and reignite your passion? Head over to my website for expert-backed resources designed to help you heal, grow, and thrive in your relationships. Explore my 7 Days to Better Sex program and take my free quiz to discover what you truly want in love. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to Language of Love Sessions. This is where I am getting to your questions about love,

sex, relationships, dating, mating, ovulating, whatever it is. There's no question off limits. And I always love hearing from you. Whatever's going on in your life, your relationship, you can always email me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com. And I will either answer your question on the air like I am now, or often we will bring you on if you want to so that we can talk one-on-one and actually work things through in a two-way conversation. But here is an email from Shauna saying, Dr. Berman, I've been with my partner for three years, and while we have a strong connection, I miss the romance we had in the beginning. He used to surprise me with little notes, plan date nights, even just hold my hand more. These days, it feels like we're stuck in a routine, more roommates than lovers. I've dropped hints, even brought it up directly, but nothing seems to change. How do I get him to be more romantic without making him feel criticized or like I'm asking for too much? I just want to feel wanted again. Yeah, it's such a common scenario what you're describing, Shauna, and it's probably one of the biggest complaints I get from women in long-term relationships. So in the beginning, all that stuff is really naturally there because you are in what scientists call the infatuation stage. That is where there is huge chemistry. You're just

discovering each other. There's tons of novelty. You can't get enough of each other. And that usually lasts anywhere from three months to three years, depending on how quickly you become committed and how comfortable you are together and how much time you're spending together. And then you move into the attachment phase, which is a much kind of quieter, softer, sweeter kind of love. It is much more sustainable. Like if we all lived in the infatuation stage indefinitely, leave, society probably wouldn't function. So it's just kind of the natural evolution of a relationship to move to the attachment phase. This is where I see a lot of couples get stuck and complacent and kind of taking their hands off the wheel because they don't understand

that for intimacy and connection to really remain strong, once you move out of the infatuation stage, you have to start making an effort, both of you, right? So I appreciate that you have talked to about it directly, that's much more important than dropping hints because let's face it, most people, especially guys, don't get the hints. You have to be very directive. But I also think, and this is what I hear from a lot of men, is that, you know, she keeps saying she wants me to be romantic. She wants me to be romantic, but I don't really know what she means by that, right? And so, yeah, maybe in the beginning he was doing those things, but I think it would be really helpful. And I find this, men really appreciate this when they get this

complaint. If you made a list of like, here are all the things, do some of the work for him. Here's a list of 10 things that if you did, I would feel really loved, romanced, and appreciated. If you planned a picnic in the park, if you got tickets to listen to some music, if you, you know, whatever it is, just, and make it all in the positive, not like it would make me feel close to you and loved if you weren't a jerk, you know, make it in the positive, what he could do. Bring me flowers spontaneously, leave me a post-it or send me a text for no reason or whatever. And then there's another piece to this, and this is what I call the sex romance stalemate. And it's something that I see in almost every heterosexual relationship I work with. Okay, so here's how it works. Most

heterosexual men, assuming he has a healthy libido, right? Assuming your partner has a healthy libido. Most men achieve a sense of emotional closeness and romantic connection through the physical act of sex, okay? Most women are inspired to be sexual with someone because they feel emotionally close and romantically connected to them. So what starts to happen in long-term relationships, we could do the chicken or the egg, he pulled away, then you lost interest you lost interest whatever however it started you perhaps because he's being less romantic and attentive don't feel as close and connected to him and so you're that much less inspired to be sexual with him or maybe you've just kind of you know we're together now I don't

really have the same desire I'm really busy or I don't feel great about my body or other things are going on so I'm just not as sexually available when you are not as sexually available we will see the romance diminishing on the guy's side. Not because he's trying to punish you, but because he doesn't have that vehicle with which to be inspired to be romantic. You know, it would be the equivalent, if you're not sexually available to him, it would be the equivalent of him not being willing to ask you about your day or hold your hand or cuddle you or anything if he was unwilling to do those things and was never available for that right you not being sexually available to a man with a healthy libido feels that way whether

he's conscious of it or not so when you are sexual with him you will often see an uptick and connection romance effort once again not because he's thinking tit for tat but just because that's what motivates those thoughts and actions hey it's Dr. Laura Berman I've been a sex love and relationship therapist for over 30 years and the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship well if you want to take your love life your sex life to the next level whether you're in a relationship or not check out my free course on quantum sex it's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic

to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to Dr. Laura Berman dot com and you'll find it right there on the homepage. The quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. Now, other reasons you might be kind of pulling back is that he's a little depressed or he is, I see this a ton with younger couples, especially getting addicted to gaming and social media. And so all of your free time, he is distracted, right? And so if some of those things are happening, then you really want to attend to them. So what I would recommend is that you give them the list, you do it in the positive, you don't make it like a whole critical thing, but you say, look, I'm really feeling distant

from you and you take your 100%. I'm aware that I haven't been as sexually available to you, or I'm aware that maybe I've been nagging you a lot lately, or I'm aware that maybe I haven't been doing my part. I want more romance from you, but I'm realizing that maybe I haven't been behaving in a way that inspires romance. Maybe I haven't been putting much of an effort into looking really hot for you, or I haven't really been showing you a lot of appreciation or whatever those things are. And I really want to work on my part and I would love if you were willing to join me in this effort. And so I've made a list of like 10 things we could do together. And if you were willing to plan them, that would be amazing. That would make me feel really loved and seen and

romanced. And see what happens, right? And make yourself more available and make an effort and be appreciative and look for things he's doing right. And when he does the slightest thing romantic or sweet, celebrate him and tell him how much it means to you. If nothing changes and or if he really is kind of doing that compulsive gaming or depressed or other things going on, then I really recommend that you get into some couples therapy. And this is the thing that you have to understand about couples therapy. It is not just for couples who like are married for 30 years or couples that are in huge crisis. Couples therapy is amazing for couples who are just starting to have problems when you still really like each other and before a big rift has formed between

the two of you. And then it's so much easier to fix and address and get the two of you back on track. And you're learning priceless skills for keeping your relationship on track, which frankly, most of us never learned. So it's an amazing tool to use. And it's usually short term if there hasn't been a lot of damage done to your relationship. So I encourage you to embrace that possibility plus hopefully you'll stay together forever but even if you don't all the things you're learning in this process you are going to then apply to other relationships in the future if you don't stay together so there's no way to lose working with a couples therapist together you're going to learn so much you're going to learn skills you're going to most likely

really improve your connection in your relationship and whether or not you last it will serve you in the next one and the next. So hopefully that gives you a little bit of guidance. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how lonely and sad and helpless it can feel. So hopefully this has given you some action items. Keep us posted on how it goes and you can reach out to us too if you want some support anytime. You can come on live on the show and I'll talk to you one on one, or you can always send a question in like Shauna did to languageoflovepod at gmail.com.