Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Surrendering to your partner, Long-distance relationships, & Spiritual Transformation

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

On today’s episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman talks about the experience that catapulted her into a spiritual transformation, and ultimately led her to write her book “Quantum Love.” Dr. Berman discusses how the science of energy and the way energy moves in the body led her to deepen her practice as a sex therapist and focus her practice on ‘sex, body, and soul.’ Then, Dr. Berman talks to a woman who wants to know whether long-distance relationships are worth entertaining when the person lives thousands and thousands of miles away. How can you build an energetic connection with someone when they live many time zones away? She also talks with a man who has a history of long-distance relationships who says he struggles with giving himself self-care during his alone time, and finding a way to acknowledge his own worth and sexuality after being solo in the Covid shutdown for so long.  Dr. Berman talks with a woman who says she struggles with ‘masculine energy,’ and feeling like she is too aggressive or domineering with her partners. She feels like she takes on a position of power in her relationship in which she’s always deciding where they eat, what they do, and how they connect with each other. Dr. Berman advises she tries a ‘surrender date,’ in which she intentionally hands over power to her partner and he gets to decide everything on date night. He can pick the outfit she wears, the jewelry she puts on, the route they take to dinner, the place they eat and even what she orders! Essentially, she goes ‘cold turkey’ when it comes to giving up her dominant side and lets her partner completely take the reins.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love sex relationship questions

and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. So sex, body, soul, that whole, that like trio just kind of came to me because most of my career, I guess I've been doing this work for over 25 years or more, maybe, you know, I would say that the bulk of my work was focused on sex and body, you know, and body as it pertains to sex and emotions and relationships and that sort of thing. And the soul piece came in probably around 2010, 2011, I kind of started my, didn't start, got catapulted into my spiritual

journey by a whopper of what I like to call an AFGE, another fucking growth experience. Those things that crack us open, break us open, transform our lives if we let them. And I can get into more details about what that was, but basically what I started, and that's what ultimately led to me writing Quantum Love about how to harness your body's energy to kind of really create the relationship you desire. And I went on this amazing journey leading up to that book where I learned so much because I needed to figure out the science behind what was happening in this spiritual awakening I was having. And as I came out of publishing Quantum Love and was doing all of this work around soulfulness and spirituality, I really wanted to, you know, people were like,

how can you be a sex and relationship therapist? Are you a sex and relationship therapist? Are you a spiritual counselor? Like, what are you? And so that's where I started sex, body, soul. Like, that's what I'm about. Sex, body, and soul. Because when sex is at its best, it's not just about our embodiment and being in our bodies and the physical sensations. It's a soul connection. sex in particular orgasm and sexual arousal is really energetically high frequency energy and you know that's where you hear about sex magic right like it's master manifesting energy from a quantum love perspective so uh that's the gist of sex body soul i'm totally up for digging more into it answering any questions about anything to do with your love life your sex life your

relationships as far as i'm concerned nothing's off limits cyra mohan so my question is uh regarding long-term relationships like do you does one even begin to explore a relationship with somebody living like a thousand miles away like i mean is it is it really conceivable is it really time well spent? I mean, like, do you do you just build the friendship and see where it goes? Or do you do you do you entertain that idea of a lot of entertaining a long term relationship? I don't know. I love your input. Yeah, I think that's such a great question. And and it's such a person specific answer. Some people do phenomenally well in long distance relationships. Others don't. But to answer the overarching question is like, are they even worth

having? Sure. And in fact, in today's world, not just because of COVID and social distancing, but because of how small the world has become because of technology, there are more long distance relationships than ever before. Often among teens. I mean, my sons have had girlfriends in Russia and Switzerland. I mean, they've had girlfriends that they've never met. You know, they're quote unquote dating and, you know, it lasts a month, just like any relationship in person. But, you know, it's just been an interesting development. So it's not just teenagers that are doing this, but adults too. And when you're talking about a long distance relationship lasting, there are some sort of aspects that help it succeed. First of all,

having some sort of ending in sight, right? So if both of you are extremely entrenched in your life, career, and family-wise for the next 10 years, and neither one of you have any flexibility or ability to go to where the other one is or go to a new place, yeah, I mean, I wouldn't necessarily pursue it long-term, right? But if, let's say, your kids are graduating from high school in a year and are going to be going off to college and you'd be up for a new adventure, or, you know, your partner would be open to transferring or moving to where you are moving someplace new entirely. Then you can start thinking about the ending, possibly being in sight. And then it really is worth pursuing. And in a long distance relationship, because of all the technology,

there's so many beautiful ways to stay connected. I think it's still important to include snail mail, care packages, cards, but then you have Skype, Zoom, FaceTime, phone. You can have, you know, remote sex. You can learn a lot. And the advantages are, as you mentioned, Saira, you know, that you really get to know someone often in quite a deep way before sometimes you even met in person the downside is that if you've never met in person i've seen this happen many times too even seeing there's something about seeing someone in 2d versus 3d that can change things a little bit and so or like shift the chemistry because chemistry can be so subtle so i've seen it happen before that people build up this whole amazing connection they have

online and then they meet in person and it just doesn't jive that's very interesting do you think chemistry is translatable through zoom. Like, I mean, if you're FaceTiming with this person, probably feel it right to an extent, emotionally and energetically. Absolutely. But when it comes to, for instance, pheromones, right. And smell, um, I was just talking to a girl. Yeah. I mean, smells super important. And I just talked to your girlfriend the other day. Who's been, you know, seeing this guy they've met in person several times, but they've never gotten together physically and they've never really even made out. And they finally got together and, you know, he wasn't wearing cologne or anything strange, but she just could not stand his smell. And that was

it, you know? So I think smell, the feeling of their skin, the way they carry themselves, the way they behave at a restaurant, the way they engage with the world around them, their body language, of which you can pick up a lot sitting across from each other on Zoom. But those little nuances you know other than smell i can't imagine anything being a deal breaker that you wouldn't be able to assess online but smells a huge one smells a huge one yeah smell and taste you know you can you can you can you can attend to the other senses remotely but smell and taste at least so far until the technology improves great good luck ali is next thank you for letting me ask and um i want to ask like in long-term relationships after like years of living together and all of you know the

um the thing that like accumulates how can we keep the like a still a spicy top yeah like i think with all kinds of like different techniques still will be going down yeah and then um how can we keep a woman um still interested and still in love and happy and can you just give me some help you okay well i i really like the specifics of your question right because you know we could certainly get into how to keep the spice alive in general in a long-term relationship but what i think you're asking from what you're saying is how to keep her sexual interest and romantic interest going? How to inspire her sexual interest? Is that what you're asking? That's correct. Okay. Do you mind me asking, I'm assuming if you've been together

a while, you guys are in sort of early to middle age. Can you give me your ages more or less or the range? Actually, I am out of relationship now, but I had a relationship and I am trying to like, you want to avoid it moving forward. Okay. So, all right. So here's what, let me just back talk in general terms about women and desire in long-term relationships in general. Okay. We have emotional intimacy, which is closeness, connection, talking, sharing, hand-holding, cuddling, and we have sexual physical intimacy, which is sex, right? And the physical act. What's interesting about men and women is that they approach sex differently in general.

Obviously, I'm generalizing. I could say the masculine and the feminine, because it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship with someone of the same gender, one of you is more in their masculine and one of you is more in their feminine. So for the sake of your conversation, Allie, I'm going to say a woman and a man. So for women, we are inspired to be physically sexual when we feel that emotional connection and emotional intimacy. If we don't feel it and we get to an age where we don't have a lot of horniness and desire, which typically happens by the mid to late thirties, then we often disengage from sex. Now, the difficult part is that men are primarily driven to that

emotional closeness through the physical act of sex. So when she's less sexually available to him, less sexually motivated, less sexually interested. He not meaning to punish her. He just doesn't feel as close to her emotionally because that's his way of getting there. And when he doesn't feel as close to her emotionally, he's not as attuned to her, not as romantic, not as affectionate, not as sweet, not as present with her. And then she's that much less inspired to be sexual. So I call that the sex romance stalemate that almost every couple who struggles with desire has gotten into that I find. Now you layer on top of that anxiety, depression, a stressful life, which would be a situational woman to woman thing, depending on how she handles stress,

how much it affects her, whether she's prone to depression or anxiety, whether she has a history of sexual trauma or body image issues, you know, all of those things will factor in and will make her libido worse. And certainly the more young children she has, the more exhausted she is and the less interested she is. So for you moving forward, what I would say is that you're looking for a partner with whom you feel really inspired to have that emotional closeness and connection as well as the physical. And know that the emotional connection feeds the physical inspiration for her. And that I have found, in addition to just attending to any hormonal changes or medical changes that are happening, really is the key to keeping a woman's libido humming. Does that answer

your question? Yes. Yep. You are very welcome. I just want to take a little segue here and talk about an important issue that I find really affects women's lives and the people who love them. And it's something not talked about nearly enough. Millions of women, so many of them struggle with chronic UTIs, urinary tract infections, and it can happen due to all sorts of reasons, menopause, pregnancy, other hormonal changes, other factors, but it can drastically and negatively impact your interest in sex as well as your enjoyment. And, you know, the most common prescriptions doctors will give you to avoid them is peeing after sex and lots of cranberry juice, which can help, but certainly often is not enough. And Eucora, this company I've

discovered, has a UTI relief products that will help you address the UTI symptoms until you're able to go see a doctor. But they also have a proactive urinary tract health supplement line that helps you maintain a healthy urinary tract and avoid those infections. So get proactive about your urinary tract health with Eucora. And right now, Eucora is offering 20% off when you go to Eucora.com slash love. But hurry, because it's a limited time offer. Go to Eucora.com slash love to get 20% off your order.

That's U-Q-O-R-A dot com slash love. Hey, Jude. Sorry, you probably get that every day, but I couldn't help it. Hey, Laura, I never get tired of it. In fact, I was going to ask if you wanted to please continue. You know, it's really interesting, Laura. This is a fascinating topic.

And I want to make a couple of observations and then get your thoughts. I've interviewed and coached both a lot of relationship experts, psychologists in this field, including men and women. And from a woman's standpoint, and from some psychologist's standpoint, everything begins before the act. And I think whether it's a long-term relationship or a new relationship, that anticipation, I think, is wonderful. And I am a woman who never had children, so it wasn't like in a relationship with my husband that trying to contend with being the partner, the lover, the mother, and all of the above. I think that the man and woman relationship is the most complex of all. So I just feel that for long-term relationships, because I'm in one, and my husband and I have been married 27 years, and so I feel that there's ebb and flow always with schedules and life and things. Sure. And relationships. But also, I really do feel that the intimacy of being away with each other and that constant discovery, if you will, because we are all evolving and changing. And what is your thoughts about that, that continued discovery with one another so that you rekindle that emotion? And what's your thoughts on that?

Well, I think that works to an extent. And of course, both of you want to grow together and not apart. And it keeps you interesting and compelling to one another. And it really is helpful to have your own interests and own life as well as those shared interests and hobbies and agendas. You know, that's what I see happen in families where there are kids and both parents have not been doing that, but just focused on the kids when the kids leave home. They don't have much in common and they don't even really know who they are, much less who the other is. That said, I think when I think we sometimes mistakenly search for intensity by trying to create novelty, which is a way to do it. But if you've known someone for 27 years, you know, there's not a ton of novelty. Right. But we're trying to somehow get back to that initial discovery, what scientists call the infatuation stage of a relationship when everything is brand new and you can't get enough of each other and, you know, you're discovering each other. Obviously, after 27 years, you know, pretty much, you know, you can still discover things as you continue to grow, but you know a lot about each other. So then, while it's still helpful to have those varied interests and to spend some time apart, I think it's also really important to search and source your intensity that you're seeking through more of a soulful connection. And that's where quantum sex comes in, as I call it, that what we're really looking for in terms of chemistry and sexual experience is that intensity, that full body awareness, that anticipation, those seven chakra orgasms, you know, whatever you want to call it. And in fact, if you can come June 6th, Sunday, June 6th, I'm doing a live stream with Unplugged Studios Meditation for Better Sex.

So wherever you are in the world or country, you can come at 4.30 p.m. Pacific. If you go to Unplugged Studios or Unplugged, I guess it's unplugged.com. You can find me there. But that's what I'm going to be talking about is how to really take your sex life and your desire to new heights by creating that energetic intensity between the two of you which is less intellectual and more energetic soulful and yeah and intimacy you know I think the intimacy strengthens that's not there initially absolutely you can be totally attracted and totally

infatuated in that discovery and you know wild crazy sex but I think intimacy as as as couples grow to, you know, together. I mean, just in terms of, that's what I mean about discovery. Sure. Into me see intimacy. Well, you know, and one of my friends, I love this. She said, she's a psychologist and she said, women continue to fall in love with their ears and men of course continue to stay in love with their eyes. I just always liked that observation. Anyway, great to be with you and thanks for inviting me into the room. I have one more thing to add as I'm thinking Jude about what you're saying is that it's, it's also that which you feed proceeds just like that, which you resist process, you know? And so feeding and looking for ways and

reasons to desire your partner, I think is really helpful. I was just sitting out in the sun with my husband yesterday afternoon and it was really hot and we got up to go inside and he gave me a hug and I put my face in his neck and I was just smelling it. Cause I, speaking of smell, I love the way he smells. And I was, and I was saying, oh my gosh, the way that your neck smells really, really hot, you know, it's hot skin in the sun. And the smell of your neck is reminding me of the trips. You know, we used to take many years or pre COVID where we would go to these really warm, sensual locations. And it brought me right back there and sharing that appreciation with him I think really landed, you know, he appreciated it. So I think looking for those ways to articulate

your desire and your ongoing desire, we've been together almost 19 years, is really helpful. Well, I think what you said is so meaningful to everybody is that sometimes people think these things and then don't say them. But the fact that you experienced it and you expressed it to him, that's that form of intimacy that that I think that I really am talking about and I think is great thanks Laura thank you my name is Mika Altidore hello everyone hi Dr. Laura hey thank you so much for the last of your podcast and you gave me really phenomenal insight and i just want to report back to you all um tell us to to catch everyone up that wasn't a part of that um basically uh i mentioned to dr laura that i have a bit of a bit more of a masculine energy

than i would want to have and dr laura dropped the bomb on me and she just basically read me my whole life and it was basically because when my partner was a child and I was a child just the type of dominance that um that his mother played in his life and the type of dominance that my parents played in my life affected just whenever I would ask him to do something then he wouldn't do it and then I would end up doing it and I would end up you know being puffing and puffing and mad yeah and then just be a director the advice he gave me was ask him his thoughts ask him so what do you think where do you think we should go what do you think we should do I did that and it was it was different it was different

it was just new it was a very new experience and um so good bad in between it wasn't bad i think it was good i think it was good it was good wasn't it good was it uncomfortable for you it was uncomfortable because it's not the normal i mean when you're with someone for five and a half years i mean just something like this where i'm being intentional and I'm being like, and I'm building that self-awareness on how we interact is just different. So it was really interesting. So I would say, so what do you think we should do?

He goes, well, what do you want to do? And I would just like flip it back. Well, I'm okay. What do you want to do? He's like, well, I don't know. Tell me what you want to do. Because he's not used to it. That's the reason I think I said to you,

and it sounds like you did a version of this, but not, you know, full, fully, full force. is to just bite the bullet and do an experiment and tell him, ask him if he would be willing to do what I call a surrender date with you. It only, it could even be just for an hour or two, but he picks out what you're going to wear, where you're going to go, how you're going to get there all with your, what he knows. He knows you very well, your likes and dislikes all with pleasing you although you're not going to be really critical you're going to be really flexible you're going to be really open and you'll make that clear to him but he has the reins to plan

everything and you frame it to him not like you're a loser who never steps up and I need you to but like and I'm not saying he's a loser I'm just saying don't say like but like I really love when you take a little control. And I'm starting to notice as much as I love that my instinct because of the way I was raised is to not let you. So I kind of want to just do an experiment where I go cold turkey on my usual controlling nature so that you can totally be in your power and I can let you take care of me and take the reins. That would really excite me. wow that that's great i like that because when you try to dribble it in he's like no what should we do no no you know and he's all awkward and he hasn't planned anything this way

he can organize his thoughts and his plans and make a plan and feel a little more a little less anxious wow that's good wow thank you so much dr laura let us know how it goes and thank you again Mika sent me some yummy vegan treats, which I loved. Those were good. They're really fattening, aren't they? Thank you. Actually, we use, what, like a third of sugar, less than that. Really?

They are so yummy. And I was thinking, I don't care that I'm probably eating thousands of calories right now. But I'm glad to know they aren't. No, like diabetics can eat our fruit bread. So we're good with you. so yeah thank you so much i appreciate you guys i appreciate this podcast and my name is mika and i'm done speaking i'm loving this finally got to jump in and actually participate i've got to listen a little bit you know i i was married 13 years uh and going still going through a divorce

of the last six years um but my i guess my question or this insight is you know after i got I proposed my senior year in college. We have three amazing, beautiful little girls. And so for the last six years, I travel 45 weeks a year. And I've had two long-distance relationships. So one with someone in California and currently one with Jennifer, who is in Atlanta. And my life was, since I started after college, has been about 45 weeks a year on the road. And with last year, although I've always worked from home, last year, I actually really worked from home and didn't travel.

Therefore, we didn't get to see each other the same amount of times that we normally would. And I also have recently realized that a lot of my life, my self-care, my self-love was oftentimes tied to what was given to me when I was on the road as a speaker and kind of how people set me up. And so the thing that I've been working towards or trying to figure out how to better kind of embrace or share is I had a year of trying to figure out, OK, I have to I have to learn to pamper myself. I have to learn those elements. And when I say pamper, it's everything from I have plenty of alone time, but it's more of figuring out ways to allow myself to reward myself. And I'm just curious from just like, you know, as we come out of this pandemic and we move kind of forward, how do you look at people kind of approaching kind of like this, just this coming into their own after having all this time, you know, in their houses individually? And I don't think I said at the beginning, but this is Brian Fanzo. So I'm just curious your thoughts on just, you know, how will our own ability to be more sexual, more in touch with what we want? Because so many of us have had so much time alone in our houses.

Yeah. And have you been sheltering with a partner or by yourself? Solo. My house has frozen blankets and Moana blankets on it. And you're not still married, right? no i've almost three years long distance relationship okay self-care as it pertains to sensual awareness embodiment is crucial and it's and for many of us this whole covid shut down social isolation, many of us have been isolating alone, like you, leads to a lot of introspection, a lot of soul searching, a lot of dark nights of the soul sometimes as we're facing things. Because as I've been saying throughout this whole pandemic, now that we can't go outside and

burn the candle at both ends, we're being forced to go inside, which is honestly what I think on a metaphysical level is why this happened to us as a country and as a world is that we couldn't keep going the way we were unconsciously running around like chickens with our heads cut off, trying to consume and achieve and prove and looking for love in all the wrong places and nothing else was going to make us freaking stop, you know, much less save the planet at least for a year so that we could roll back some of the global warming. So that's the good news and the bad news. Now that we get to come out of that, the question is, I don't think it's worth or worthy to say, I want things to go back to normal because there is no

way to go back. And I don't think normal is serving us. It sounds like it wasn't really serving you. So what I would say is, what do you want to design, because each of us can do that, for your new normal? And what kind of rituals for yourself, space for yourself, time, lifestyle, do you want to put in place so that you can not only practice self-care, but really continue to fill your energy reservoirs up. Because for all of us, I think coming into COVID, we were spending, spending, spending that energy. And if you don't do things, women, I would say are a little bit more susceptible to this than men. But I would say for all of us, it's true. And it sounds like certainly for you traveling as much as you did, if we don't do things to replenish our

reservoir of energy we don't have energy for anything much less sexual energy you know which requires even if you're having a quickie it requires a lot of physical and uh energetic energy does that make sense it does i'm curious i feel for me the you know this idea of being alone and kind of just figuring out, you know, I'm very, very open and very, I'm very communicative and I open and, you know, kind of, I'd say my marriage taught me lots of things. And one of them was, you know, towards this idea of willing to try anything twice. But I've also kind of noticed in that idea of alone is my desires, needs, expectations have actually increased now from the standpoint of what they were when I was home prior to and I think that to me is the

one that is probably the most difficult to communicate because for two years of the three that we've and I've been in two long distance relationships for six years total so I feel like I've had a pretty good stint of long distance but this year of long distance my how I you know look at things or how I expect things or even what I need is so drastically different and I didn't expect that to come to light based on, on the pandemic. And that's why I think the thing that's impacted me the most. Yeah. I, that makes a lot of sense to me, especially because early on you were saying that you've realized that in those 45 weeks of travel and speaking and being, you know, Mr. Celebrities main attraction, whatever it was that you were, that a lot of your emotional

needs, worth needs, nurturing needs were inadvertently being met by that. When you suddenly stopped and were no longer getting that feedback because you couldn't travel and you couldn't go anywhere and you couldn't get that, then you felt the absence of it. And then you thought, okay, I want that from my relationship, which isn't a bad plan. However, I think it's really valuable to get clear. And it sounds like you're starting to get really clear on what it is that you need and want from love specifically, because what we don't want is to have our partners be everything to us and responsible for how we feel about ourselves, because that never works out well. And my guess is, and I'm, I'm recovered one of these. So I say this with love

in my recovering, I can't say recovered. I'm a recovering codependent. I think you probably are too, Franzo. Without question. So that means that you look for love, acceptance, kudos, appreciation, value outside yourself. And that makes you at the effect of everyone and everything around you, including your relationships. And the good news is that you've recognized this year that there are needs and wants that you have, that you were getting met through the adulation that you were getting, you know, on the road. But the real question is, are the things that you're asking in love or from your partner realistic or codependent or both? that's a great question that's that you hit it right on the head that's where i'm

without question at and also this idea that now that i've decided to own my own you know personal happiness and some of these things that i guess before i didn't realize i was relying on my lifestyle to fulfill yeah that's a big realization and it's probably going to lead you to a whole new set of material to teach and to inspire around, but you need to sit in the soup a little bit. And my guess is your relationship may or may not make it through this, but it's definitely going to change because you are now different. And as you get clear on what you really want, and maybe after you get clear on that, please come back on and tell us, you know, I'll help you parse it out. But A, is that reasonable to ask of someone else to be those things or to give

those things to you within reason, obviously? And B, is this partner the one to do them? Because who you got into a relationship with as the guy who got those needs met elsewhere and had a successful relationship in the midst of that, you know, she may not be the one to have a relationship to meet those needs without you being on the road, those 45, getting them elsewhere. You know, she may, she, that relationship may have in fact worked because you were getting those needs met elsewhere. That's so true. I will definitely come back and share.

Thank you guys for having me on. All right. Thank you. Good luck. This is Jill speaking. Super excited about this topic. I jumped in a little late, so I missed a good bit of all these great nuggets. I'm sure you've been sharing everyone.

And thank you, Laura, for Dr. Laura, for being here with us and helping us out today. This is awesome. I just was listening to what you were saying to Brian because of Enzo, because it's like that is so true. I kind of have the same tendencies. And that's something in my current relationship that I've been dealing with is that whole like being in a truly independent, like we appreciate each other in our independency and having always had like different relationships that were more codependent and my upbringing

and that type of thing. it's, you know, when I truly wanted to be in a relationship where that didn't exist, now that I have it, it's like, wow, that feeling of like, this person isn't noticing me as much as I thought, or I don't feel this connection. And it's such a, it's so different. And so I'm, I've been struggling with that, but we have this beautiful thing that we do that actually he started and he said, let's have a weekly huddle where we chat. And so we share every, every Sunday morning at eight o'clock, we meet and we talk about our appreciation, what we appreciate about one another, our challenges, and then our calendar and things that are going on for the week for us.

And so that really helps a lot. So we've been really working on that. And when I've expressed that I needed more attention or to notice me more, you know, we talk about it and like, why do I need that? And what is that about? And what does that really mean? And how can it be genuine? I just wanted to share that little tidbit about the week, the couples huddle we do every week. And also just how you see, I think you kind of, you know, answered my question already about the whole thing with dealing with that needing to be noticed and getting attention and getting approval. But I think that's a really awesome topic. So thank you so much. This is Jill and I'm complete. Okay, good. Yeah, I love that. I'm a big fan of relationship business meetings.

And I find if you're with someone in their masculine or a man, that is really appreciated because they know it's coming. They can prepare themselves. They can give you their undivided attention. It's much easier than, you know, trying to bring up these bits and bobs throughout the week when you're doing something else or he's not focused or whatever. And I love this idea of sort of taking the temperature of your relationship, even on a weekly basis, because then things don't build up. What I will say about wanting to be noticed, of course, you want to be with someone who is attuned to you and empathetic and notices you and finds you delightful. And we all want that and deserve that and should have that. There's a very interesting fine line, I don't mind as

you'll notice, using myself as an example. This was many years ago in my now almost 19-year marriage. I found myself repeatedly, and my husband is very attentive and very empathetic. He often knows that I'm struggling even before I do. But I found myself repeatedly, I'd be sitting next to him or with him somewhere, and I'd find myself wanting to say to him, do you really love me. Yeah. I knew he really loved you, but it was like, do you see me? Do you really love me? Like I found myself repeatedly have, I wouldn't actually even say it out loud, but I would find myself wanting to ask that question. And, um, I had a really, I still work with her, a beautiful shaman therapist, spiritual counselor, a woman named Maureen Riley, who I still work with a

great deal and she's taught me so much. But at the time I was really starting my spiritual journey And I, like many of you that have already asked questions, sourced my worth outside myself, you know, and there's a huge difference between self-esteem and self-love. Self-esteem is I approve and love myself because I'm good at something or I'm talented at something or I'm this kind of person or I can do this kind of thing, you know, whatever those things are. And that's not self-love. Self-love is the inherent cellular recognition that you are love, made of love and deserve endless love and receiving endless love simply because you exist and you're the unique one of a kind expression. even if you're an identical twin, there are still differences between you, one-of-a-kind expression of God's love. And spirit, God, universe, whatever you want to call it, I'm not talking about religion. I'm talking about that connection to the oneness and to the energy that drives everything and consciousness that drives everything. And as you start to tap into

that. It's really hard not to love yourself because you can start to really feel it. You can start to connect with how powerful that connection is always there. We just don't feel it and aren't aware of it and it gets conditioned out of us. We're born with it, but it gets conditioned out of us by our families and the toxicity and organized religion and all kinds of things or lack thereof. But what I have found and during dark times in my life or times where I'm feeling rejected professionally or personally or whatever, if I notice myself feeling that urge, I'm like, oh, I have to connect more with spirit. Like that's where my true I'm enoughness, I'm beyond loved, I'm beyond cherished is ultimately found in me and my relationship with source.

So I don't mean to get all preachy, but since we're doing sex, body, soul, I figured I'd mention that because that nothing has been a deeper builder of self-love for me and the people I work with than that. Hopefully that'll give you something to chew on, Jill, and you can play with that. Thank you. I appreciate it, Dr. Laura. That's awesome. Thank you so much for the time.

I just want to thank everyone too. It's always such a joy. You really, it's a joy to be with you. And today, as I was saying at the beginning, it's such a relief, such a pleasure to be able to get out of my own head and into and present with yours, all of yours. So tomorrow on the language of love that you can get wherever you listen to your podcast, if you subscribe, obviously you'll get it automatically. But this week's podcast is one of one of my favorite teachers, Martha Beck. She's of old Oprah fame, bestselling author. In fact, her new book, which we talk about on this podcast is already a bestseller called The Way of Integrity. And the way that she defines integrity is, you know, not how you would think, but it's really a lot about what we were talking about today of really being in integrity with what your heart, you know, and your soul truly wants and how to tap into that and use that as a compass and how to know if maybe you aren't in integrity.

And she shares because what happens often when we move into integrity, and I think a couple of you I were talking to today who have moved into integrity over COVID are facing this. Sometimes old relationships end. Sometimes things come undone, but they're always in service to maximum joy for you when they end because you're now in integrity. It means what was happening before was not in integrity, and that's what causes illness, disconnect, difficulty on the job, things not coming together. It's almost always because you aren't in integrity. Your actions and what your heart and soul really desires aren't in integrity, aren't whole with themselves. So that was a really cool and fascinating conversation. That's this week's podcast on the language of love.

And remember to go to unplug.com. look for me, Dr. Laura Berman. If you want to join at 4.30 on June 6th, my class meditation for better sex, how to use guided meditations and body awareness to maximize your pleasure. And if there's a topic you want us to talk about or tackle, just message either one of us, a theme or anything else. We're always here for you. And I love hearing from you, but I will see you on Tuesday or talk to you on Tuesday at 2 p.m. I went to the doctor Said I'm crazy for your love

Wrote me a prescription But there's no cure for a crush All I wanna do, I wanna do is take you home with me I wanna make a move, I wanna make a move But I'm too shy I can't fall asleep without your arms around me I guess I'm falling in love Baby, you're my rockstar

Smashing all my guitars One day I will charge you For breaking my heart Nothing's like I thought it was Where some see heroes and others see egos Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes A fad to some, the future of money to others We see crypto's trillion-dollar swings

The end of jobs or the end of human struggle We see the endless funds fueling the AI hype. While others follow the noise, we follow the money. Learn more at Bloomberg.com.