Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - The Body as the Boss

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

In this Language of Love session, I sit down with Regine, a listener facing the dual challenges of a partner with PTSD and her journey through grief and caregiving. She's navigating the delicate balance between her social desires and her partner's need for solitude due to PTSD. It's a dance many couples know all too well – the push and pull of togetherness and independence. This has put a strain on their relationship, as Regine longs for shared social experiences and support, especially after the loss of her son and the emotional toll of caring for her mother with Alzheimer's. We also touch on something incredibly profound – the connection between our bodies and our emotional well-being. Regine shares her journey of caregiving and personal loss, and together, we discuss the transformative power of tuning into our bodies to find healing and peace. We deep dive into: Life's fragility and the desire to cherish every moment The roles of victim and villain in relationship dynamics The importance of understanding love languages in a relationship The importance of having a supportive community outside the relationship The impact of grief and loss on relationships Finding the middle ground and compromising in relationships Why you should be listening to your body and use your heart as a compass Don't forget to check out my website for helpful meditations on the Quantum Love page that can assist you with your relationships. Take a look at the list of available meditations and see which ones resonate with you.  Also, if you are a mother who has lost a child in any way, join my retreat for grieving mamas at 1440 Multiversity in Santa Cruz, California. Experience healing, community, and workshops with experts like David Kessler and Paul Selig. Visit 1440.org for more information and join us in the beautiful redwoods for four amazing days. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Regina, welcome to the language of love. So tell me what's on your mind. How can I help?

Well, I am a perpetually social person. I've had some serious life changes, but one of the things that helps me is being social. I like live music, all of that stuff. I come from a background where I grew up, my dad taking us to plays and musicals and stuff. My partner, on the other hand, who is a veteran and still works, does not like going places, especially places involving a crowd. Yeah. So I found myself going places by myself, which is okay. I'm okay with it, but sometimes I want him with me. So what do I do? Do I keep going places by myself? I think it's amazing that you do, because a lot of people, even if that's their longing, would not. And I think it's wonderful that you do. And we'll talk about that in a second,

but let me just understand him a teeny bit. You say he's a veteran. I'm assuming he doesn't like crowds in part because it can bring up some PTSD. Does he struggle with PTSD? That's definitely part of it. And I guess part of it is the control because I have some anxiety too. So part of it is the unknown. Yeah. But what we've come to realize

is that he was sort of always like that. Yeah. I mean, so that's part of it. But recently discussing it, he was like that as a kid, you know, wanting to do things on his own, not having to be with the crowd. So, yeah.

And how much does it bother you? Because the simple answer to the question is, no, it's not a big deal. that you go to these things alone or with a friend or whatever, except if it's a big deal to you in terms of your relationship satisfaction. Like my husband is sort of the same way, not because of any. I would never think that of you. Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. He doesn't like loud music. He doesn't like big crowds. He doesn't like being stuck anywhere. He likes to be able to control when he comes and goes. And so the way that we handle parties that we're both going to

is that he knows that he'll probably want to leave way before I do. He just goes home first and we understand that. And I stay and schmooze and do whatever I feel like doing. Or if I'm having a good time, obviously, if not, it's a great excuse because I have to go because my husband's ready. But the other is if you go out, there are lots of things that he has zero. I don't even ask him to come because I know he's not going to want to. And I just go by myself or with my girlfriends. But for me, and we've been together over 20 years, in the beginning, I had some judgments about it, but I realized the judgments were more my story or my fear about what other people were going to think if my husband wasn't with me, not participating, right? Because I

eventually was like, why do I, you know, so if we took out caring what other people think about you not being with your partner? Do you care that he's not coming with you? I mean, of course it would be nice if he did, but is it really a problem for you? Well, there's some layers to it. So part of it is that I recently lost my son. So sometimes I'm like, don't you want to be there to support me? So that's one. Okay. The second thing is that there are some things that he will go to now when he goes he says he's basically like you know it's basically a sacrifice he's going for you for me or for other people like some of his military friends I'd say yeah he's going because of them but the other thing is like right before you posed the question I was somewhere and

somebody said well I don't see you posting pictures with him anymore are you guys even together and i didn't like that i didn't like that so in general i'm not as concerned about what people say especially in light of what i've been through but i didn't like the feel of that yeah well i mean look you could post with him walk i mean do you let me just ask you this because i think this is a more important thing do you spend time with him outside of the house anywhere no no not even for a walk or no no and that's a I think that's what brought up some of the um emotions about this at the beginning of COVID I said well let's at least go for a walk yeah I was in health care so I was having to go to work yeah I was like let's go for a walk and

he didn't and then a co-worker who was having a hard time asked him to go for a walk and he went And I was really, I was really upset and we, and we started therapy then, but even like going to like Costco, like he likes to go and he likes to zip through and get the stuff on his list and I like to meander. I like to look, I like to get the samples. And so even then it's like, he's ready to go. And what you said earlier about going separately because of where we live geographically and where most of the events are. I'm in this Bay area. It's pretty spread out, lots of traffic.

It's just not usually, that would be a solution actually, but it's not usually practical for us to go separately and leave. So I ended up going by myself. Okay. And so let's just put a pin in this for a second, because this will be part of my understanding of the advice I give you. In general, all this stuff aside around his willingness to go out and be out with you, What are you getting out of the relationship and what is good about it? So definitely security. So on the other hand, if you try to look at other things, I kind of chuckle now because I prayed and said, you know, I want somebody who's reliable and I know exactly where they

are. Well, he's never leaving the house. So, you know, exactly where he is. I got that. So that like he cooks, he's a great cook. he's very family oriented very close to his family like I have never seen a person he literally calls his mother every weekend I mean and is he loving towards you is he yeah affectionate you want as loving as you want as emotionally supportive not as much as I want but he tries and you know what

you have to figure out is which you know this like people show their affection in certain ways So like he'll come home and he'll he'll say, oh, I got those yogurts you like. Yeah, he bought 10 of those yogurts and I'm thrilled. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. And you say you're counseling together. Are you still counseling?

We were. I'm doing some individual counseling now with the grief stuff and he's doing some separate counseling. So we are not currently. And do you guys other than this issue around being out in the world together? Are there like points of conflict or are there things that you argue about a lot other than that, potentially? Well, I lost my mother and then a year later I lost my son. So any points of conflict have fallen by the wayside, like they're just not. They're not. Yeah, I hear you.

And, you know, obviously we understand each other's pain, so I get it. But I also get because I feel the same way. And by the way, not everyone who's suffered a horrible loss feels this way. So I don't mean to imply in our conversation that anyone who's lost a child or anyone who's going through grief would feel this way. But when you go through a tremendous loss, it's not uncommon to, in a weird way, once you get through the initial shock or even within the initial shock, like feel a new lease on life.

Like life is so fricking, you get aware if you're moving through it. And if you have that kind of personality, you know, there are lots of variables, but it is, I noticed with a lot of people, myself, ourselves included, that you're like, to even just be in this body and be here is a freaking miracle, like life is a gift and I want to live it. I don't want to take any day for granted. Anything can happen at any time. And this is so fragile and I want to live it, right?

So you almost in a weird way get a new lease on life, as they would say. And so I totally understand and I have the same desire to enjoy the life I have. Right. And do what brings you joy. And you have very little tolerance for what doesn't bring you joy or people who don't bring you joy or bullshit that doesn't bring you joy. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So I get like, this is important to me and I want to be out and about and listening to music and going to parties and having fun. The real question that you need to ask yourself and I can't answer for you is it's not about convincing him to go to these things because it's not going to serve him. It's not going to serve your relationship and it's not going to serve you. It's what you call, what I call when I work with couples, being on the triangle, right? So there is the victim point, the villain point, and the hero point on the triangle. And all of us, when we're not in integrity in our relationship, we're on one or multiple of

those points, right? So in a relationship, one of the things that I really try to help people work on is anytime you notice, which one of the ways you know you're on the triangles, if you're convinced you're right but anytime you know so the victim would be like feel put upon feel pressured feel mistreated feel misunderstood the villain is you never you're always pointing the finger yeah the villain and the hero is the codependent right version of ourselves and we have elements of that who's gonna rescue you who's gonna make you feel better who's gonna to sacrifice their own needs and wants for you. And a lot of us, because of our parenting wounds, mistakenly assume or interpret that if someone really loves me, they should hero me. They should

sacrifice their aliveness for me, right? Obviously, you got to make compromises in a relationship. You got to make accommodations for the person you love. You got to take one for the team sometimes. But in general, if something is really I just went through this with my husband literally two or three days ago or before that, he he's in Washington right now doing all this crazy lobbying stuff and sat during with the five social media companies in the front row with 75 other parents that he helped coordinate. They all dressed in black. They're holding pictures of their kids. And from the beginning of this, which, you know, maybe he's been planning this for a month. I was like, I'm not coming. There is not any part of me that wants to sit in a room in the front row and look at those MFs and watch their bullshit and not jump over and strangle them. Like I will, but I know myself like this kind of advocacy stuff makes me infuriated, me personally infuriated. For him, he loves it. It gives him meaning. It gives him purpose. It helps him heal. He feels like he's making a difference. And I love that about him. But I would be heroing him if I went with him to Washington and he knows our, we've worked enough on it that he doesn't want me to hero him and he doesn't want to hero me. And so the reason I bring all this up is with your partner, what you're asking him to do is hero you, right? Like there's no part of him that wants to go to that party and you're wanting him to

No part. Yeah. And you're wanting him to bypass that for your comfort or companionship, which I understand that's your longing, right? And when he is doing it like he does for his vet friends, he's heroing them, right? he's on the triangle in those relationships so the two of you you're in the villain and victim role right point of thing you never come with me why do you go with your friends and not with me right you're pointing the finger of blame and you're also a victim like i don't get to have

a partner that goes to i don't get well the having to bottle that up yeah the thing because at this point right now it's like i'm not going to be arguing about that no based on but it's the bottling that up of so I don't do that anymore and learn that in therapy about you know pointing the finger and the you always what you said but it's the bottling that up and it's the permanence of it knowing that it's not going to change right well that but that's sort of ironically I mean it's weird but it's sort of on you because what has to happen is that you have to decide if all that he brings to the relationship and to you is enough okay this isn't going to change now there are accommodations you can make like i work with couples all the time around speaking more

proficiently each other's language of love right so yeah his language we tend to love people the way we receive love so his language of love is probably acts of service so when people do acts of service for him, he feels loved. So that's how he loves you. He goes and gets you the yogurt you love, and that's how he expresses love. But your language of love is probably one of the highest ones is quality time and spending time together doing something you enjoy, right? And so that's how you love, want to love, and want to be loved, and that's not how he's used to loving. So there is some accommodations that could be made that would not require that he sacrifice his aliveness by going into a big crowd, right? Like even, for instance, taking you going to Costco,

the example you gave. He goes in, he gets everything. You want to wander. I mean, I do this with my husband, not at Costco, but in other stores. Like I think our partners- In all stores. Yeah. In all stores, he goes and sits in the car and waits for me and is on his phone or doing his thing. He doesn't feel like being in the store. He's bored and claustrophobic or whatever it is that he's feeling. And so he leaves me and I go a little quicker than I may otherwise go, but I still take my time. I'm still getting satisfied and he waits in the car. Right. So that's just an example of a compromise, but both of you have to be willing, right? And so it's a conversation with your partner, not like you need to change and start going to parties with me and be someone that you're not and hero me to a point where you're going to feel anxious and really uncomfortable.

No, but it is about saying, I need quality time that is outside the four walls of this home. So even if we're going and sitting on the porch or just let's take a walk around the block or let's go to the park and sit and have a picnic that I've arranged and made for us. Just simple things, but that in order for me to really feel loved, I need to feel some experience of being out in the world with you. And that's a huge part of my relationship satisfaction. And while your preference may be in all your free time to sit here at home, and there's so many things I love about our life together, I really need at least once a week for, let's start with 20 minutes and work up to an hour, be outside.

And then when he does that, when he does that, you say, thank you so much. I appreciated that. I enjoyed that so much. You give him lots of kudos for it because they are kind of like training. Yeah. Oh my gosh, there's so much to that. So like, for example, with the sitting in the car, the thing about it is, Dr. Berman, is that he wants to get back home as fast as possible. That's number one. Number two, it's so interesting you said acts of service because that is really about what he's about. Yeah. But the fact is when you've been in the military and you've worked and you've raised children, his thing is that I've done those things. Now I want to do what I want to do, which I understand. yeah and you know when my when my son passed you know people were making me do stuff and I think

I did do a little bit too much because it eventually caught up with me and I think he was like how can you be going places and I'm like I can't sit here with the flowers and the cards and everything everywhere I can't yeah the paint I can't sit here so you know one of the things that we would do I love going to movies I go to a lot of movies I go by myself and now you know you pick your seat at the movie so it's not like you have to be worried about am i gonna get a seat but during covid he as many other people got used to watching movies at home and streaming so that kind of fell off so but that's the conversation so the first step is to have a conversation like let's create a list of things you would do outside of the house that we could

do together like go to a movie or even though you'd write just assume sit home whatever like that's his instinct, right? But he can reach a little bit if he understands he may want to do what he wants to do with his time. Amen. But he also wants to be with you. And so there's another human being involved here who has their own needs and wants. And so where can we meet in the middle in a way that doesn't sacrifice either of our aliveness completely, but we can stretch ourselves a little bit, right? And if he's unwilling to do that, which he may be unwilling to do that, or maybe he's sort of willing, but won't follow through. Then that's the question is now in your hands to hold is what he brings to the relationship. Even though you would like to have a

partner who was in an ideal world, the life of the party with you and coming with you to all these things, or at least being willing and being patient as you wander through Costco, like you could design the perfect partner in that way. Sure, you could, and maybe you could even call that in, but is what he brings to the relationship enough? And if it is enough, not that in a way that you have to sacrifice, this is also about building your community, right? And I'm sure you have friends, obviously, and family, but you don't have to go to everything alone, right? You can find and call in. I mean, that's what I do. I go to some things alone, but I also have a community of, of girlfriends and who are my plus one to a lot of them. And it's fun. And I don't have to

take care of my husband while I'm having fun with my friends, you know? So there's joy in that and some fun in that, but that's just me because what he brings to the relationship is feels so significant to me that that's not such a big deal. Yeah. I'd like it to be different. Yeah. when the kids were little and we would have their birthday parties at home and there were 30 parents in the house and my husband had disappeared for an hour or two. And everyone's like, where is your, where's Sam? And I was like, I, first I was so cringing and then I eventually was like, why the hell am I, why? It's not about me. What he's doing is about him. So I just be like, I don't know. He's hiding somewhere. Yeah. Like I just didn't, I stopped making excuses or

justifications right or caring and you can take pictures of the two of you sitting at home or making dinner or whatever and post those if you want everyone to know you have a man you know not to think things wrong in the relationship right there are ways to get around this but the real question regina is is he enough is what he brings to the table in the relationship fulfilling and important enough that while you would like this to be different can you live with it yeah fill it in yeah and i think like in reality i don't really care that it's just how that statement made me feel in that moment i actually don't care what people think yeah but if you made me answer today and say is what he brings in enough i would say

definitely yes i would say definitely definitely yes i think it's also just the um i shouldn't use the word just because i don't want to diminish it but it's as a mother and as a friend and as a middle child i'm always saying i'm always doing stuff i don't want to do yeah which is probably not and that's on you girl that's on me yeah right this is one of the greatest gifts i think or opportunities that tremendous loss when everything feels stripped away and you don't have the wherewithal or capacity to bend over into pretzels like you used to, right? It's an invitation to say, I'm not going to say yes to anything that I don't want to say yes to. I'm going to say no to things that I want to say no to. I'm not going to hero anyone. And then maybe

i will maybe there's someone i really love and isn't going through a hard time and i'd rather not talk on the phone for two hours because i'm tired but for sure like there are those moments obviously but in general i think that's an invitation he could be a role model for you about maybe scaling back all the hero yeah doing that's true now that is true and maybe you'd be a little less resentful of him not doing things that are out of integrity with him or feel like and I kind of think it think of it so that's like that's two extremes so how do you handle two extremes like that well you said have the just have the conversation find the middle ground right so it's separate right each of you are on your own individual journey and then there's this

entity that is the relationship right and so you on your individual journey separate from him but this is part of what's underneath your resentment of him you on your individual journey i see two assignments one is to stop to scale back significantly the stuff you're doing that you don't want to do or that you're sacrificing to do or that you're forcing yourself to do like scale that back a lot to completely and to start embracing ways that you can do what you do want to do with or without him and just it's not about the relationship it's not about you he's got his own stuff to deal with that has nothing to do with you and that's true and that's true you know when you were saying that it occurred to me that I have been like, I better say yes to everything

while people are offering, because this is not going to last forever. That is a crock. Where'd you get that story? I don't know. I just really, I mean, I just remember hearing people say, you know, when you have a loss, like everybody's around and then it goes away and then you're by yourself no yeah I just realized that yeah that's a really important realization I'm glad you connected to that because as you try that on I think you know we carry these beliefs that maybe our inner children are attached to but we're not really thinking about with our adult mind but if you hold that with your with this Regina I'm talking to right now is that true in some ways but I don't want to, I don't want to complain about it because people have shown up in

incredible ways. Right. No, it's true. It's true that people stop showing up. But is it true that you won't have any opportunities to go out to things being, that if you do less of what you don't, if you stop doing what you don't feel like doing, that when you do want to do something, no one will want you. Is that really true? I do. Yeah. There's a part of me that I don't know if it's true, but I feel that. Yeah. Well, that's important to look at because I'm here to tell you, well, I guess it depends on what you want, right? Like if what you want is to be out in the world, doing things that light you up, that you're excited to do with people who you really enjoy being with, then stop doing what you're doing and only do those things that light

you up and with those people you really want to be with. Because when you do that and you're living from that place, I can guarantee you, I don't even have to say it might happen, I can guarantee you that that makes you a match for more of that. When you are willing to spread yourself in with shit you don't want to be doing just out of fear and scarcity, which is what this essentially is, if I don't do it, I'm going to be all alone in the world and no one will want to hang with me. right you don't want to hang with those people anyway you're just hanging with them so you for fear that you won't have anything to do when you do want to do something right but if you scale that all back you can see how that's coming from a place of a double bind or

scarcity right i don't want to do this thing but if i don't do it then when i do want to do something i won't have anything to do but i don't even want to do this thing that i'm doing but i don't want to not be able to do what i something if i ever want to do something right that's exactly it yeah you see what a double bind you're putting yourself in and then you want him to join you in the double bind and he doesn't even want to leave the house yeah as most of you know for the past several years I've been on a pretty intense grief journey and it's been a path of healing I've shared lots of that healing with you and lots of the healing resources that I found and I am so thrilled to announce

that I am doing my first ever retreat for grieving mamas. So if you or someone you love is a mama who has lost a child in any way, at any stage, at any age, I would love for you to come join me at 1440 Multiversity in the Redwoods near Santa Cruz, California for four amazing days of beautiful, uplifting community and healing. We've got David Kessler.

We've got Paul Selig. We've got Catherine Woodward Thomas. We've got me. We've got body work. We've got organic food, beautiful rooms. Go to 1440.org. Check it out. It's right there on the homepage.

I really hope you can join us. So what I would encourage you to do is just start. And even if you just try it for two weeks, you don't have to make a commitment forever or for a month. I don't know how many invitations you get or whatever. But if you just start saying, and I'll give you my excuse in a minute, it's not an excuse, my explanation that people can't argue with, but if you scale it back and start, like you get an invitation, you don't respond immediately, you hold it, you run it through your body,

just ask your body how it feels about it. And right now I want to do an experiment with you, okay? See if you can feel the difference. I want you first to say the word yes. Like you can even think of something that you wouldn't even think twice about saying yes to, or you can just say the word yes. Yes.

Yes. And just notice, say it a few times and notice how it feels in your body. Any sensations, anything. Yes. Now say no. and just while you're staying in this state of yes right now go to no and say no and notice if there's any change no no you feel any constriction there or any different yeah okay yeah i felt a

little something in my belly yes yes your body will tell you exactly what is in alignment and what isn't and if you're ever doubting you run it through your heart and your heart if your chest constricts, that means you're maybe making up stories, but if it stays open and relaxed and then you run it through again and you check in with yourself, but if it doesn't respond and it just kind of stays relaxed, then that's your sign that you're on the money. So if you're ever doubting it, you can do that. But this should be your compass because I don't think you're even in there checking before you say yes to things you just say yes oh you're right about that so here's what i say to people and i did this i did this for real in order to survive the grief but i decided

i made an arrangement because i was out out out out of my body and i needed to be back in in order to heal and so i made a deal with my body i was like and i have kept it for almost three years and it has changed my life for the better. I do not say yes to anything that I don't have a full body yes to. And I say no to anything I have a full body no to. And there have been many, many, many times that I have actually wanted to say yes in my brain.

Well, this seems fun, but I run it through my body and body's like, hell no. I'm like, okay, I can't do it. And sometimes I really want to say no. I don't feel like going out tonight or I don't really. And my body's like, yes, you are. This is a good thing. Like, we want to do this. So I listen to it and I do what it says, whether my brain is saying, unless I've never needed to be like something that I absolutely am dying to do. But there was even like an event I was invited to with all of these change makers and people who would seem like I should, quote unquote, meet to help promote the work that I'm doing. And it was a really. As if you need to. Well, I do. But like it was a really high status, you know, and it's some mansion in Beverly Hills and all these people are going to be there. And I was like, oh, that sounds fun. And I ran through my body and my body was like, you're not doing it. and so I went to these people and this is what this is my first experience of the excuse because up to then I just would say no thank you but I changed after this moment because they the head

of this organization invited me right and I was like fuck I gotta tell no and so I said listen I've made this pact with my body that I won't say yes to anything it doesn't say yes to and I'll say no to anything it says no to and even though I like excited to come my body is giving me a really clear signal that it's a no. So I'm so sorry. Like I have to do this. I've made this promise to myself. That would have been a better response. I just texted somebody and said, sorry, I'm not going to make it this time. And they sent me a crying face back, but that would have been better. Right. Well, that's why I'm offering it to you because it's a really valuable and authentic. You're not lying, but it's a really valuable explanation that is unarguable. Nobody can

argue with what your body's telling you and your commitment to your body's health and that you're in a place of healing. And this is fundamental to your healing, which by the way, it really is. Yeah. And I think that's sort of what I was doing. I didn't have those words, but that's kind of what I was doing when I, when I say no, but for example, I went to an event Saturday, which was not an event that it was mainly a women's breakfast, but you know, I saw people I hadn't seen since my son's service and they were all giving me the sad look. And that's exactly what I didn't want. But I was like, OK, I have to have to normalize this.

I have to for me, I have to do this because that is something I wanted to go to. OK, because of the topic. But yeah, I think I would try for a couple of weeks to see or a month or however long it takes. I don't know how many invitations you get a week. but try i'd be really curious what your body would have told you about doing that not that something bad happens when you did it but i am telling you that your whole world will change for the better and your healing will be supercharged if you try this and and keep doing it i mean you have to yeah yeah what you know i need i need a tool i need something yeah what you just said

about going to that party that you really wanted to go to make sense, but that's a perfect example. I wonder whether your body wanted to go, right? Your brain wanted to go, your ego wanted to go too. And even your, your story about what would quote unquote help you to go. But did your body want to go? No, your body didn't want to go. So you listen to your body and you trust it because Your body has wisdom of everything that you really need and want that's going to make it feel safe, that's going to make it feel grounded, that's going to make it feel less in fight flight, that's going to allow it to heal, that's going to minimize inflammation and chronic disease. If you start listening to your body, your entire energetic frequency will rise. And then you start becoming a frequency match to so many beautiful things that are in alignment with what your body wants and what your health wants and what your heart wants. And regardless, and your mind will get on board because all this cool stuff is happening.

Right. I'm going to have to listen to that over and over and over so that can sink in. because I, that morning, the whole time I was out of my body. It was like, exactly. There was somebody walking around the room and eating, but I don't know. It wasn't me. And you know what you're accidentally doing and you're trying to do this in some therapeutic way for yourself from a good place. But what you're accidentally doing is telling your body, your pain doesn't matter or needs don't matter. And so the only way your body can walk around that room is if you freaking leave it and you're disassociated, and then you're not in touch with your intuition.

You're not in integrity with your body. Your body doesn't experience, you know, this is what, listen, Gabor Mate, who's one of the most in-demand speakers in the world right now, who has so much wisdom to share, even talks about this. Like this is real, what I'm talking about. And I see that it's impacting you. So what's going on as you listen to that? Well, I was thinking, you know, I saw a few people and they gave me a big hug and then they say, we'll get together. And that probably won't happen. So it's the ignoring my I don't want to say ignore because I don't know people who disappear. I don't think I was consciously doing it, but it's the yeah. and so what happened when the what you said that those people hugged you and said we should get

together and you knew they were kind of full of shit but but that's once again okay okay but inside yourself what did that do i think i i felt a little i could feel disappointment for something that never happened yeah and this is one of the problems that we all have with grief is that, like you said, the world moves on. That is true that people disappear and don't show up for you. And all of that has zero to do with you. You could be the most lovable human on the entire planet and they would be behaving the same way. It is because of their discomfort with what you've been through. It's because of their fear of facing their own grief. It's about their fear of what could happen to them. And it's their fear of not of saying or doing the wrong thing. So they just

avoid none of that, even though it's horribly painful and I've experienced it too. It's really important to say that that's not, that that's, you know, and I think, you know, that, that it's really about them, but it's just adding insult to injury. And so your body has been with you every second of your life. It knows your heart and your soul better than your brain does. and as Bessel van der Kolk says it keeps the score right it has so much oh my gosh my partner bought that book the body keeps the score read it and he's been saying I need to please take this as your quantum wink from the universe yeah you got to read that book because you will be astounded and I'm telling you as someone who has been on the same journey you're on I've been on it coming

up on three years and I feel really amazed at how good I feel. I mean, obviously I still have my moments and there's still presence of the loss, but I know for a fact, not just with the research I've done and the clinical hat I wear, but with my personal experience, that if you can start listening to and letting your body guide you so much of what you're trying to fix will fall away and you will heal even more and you will find grace and you will find rest and you will find connection, not only with other people who can really show up for you, but with your higher self. There's this fear within you of abandonment, of being totally alone in the world with your pain, which by the way, most of us have, but that's my son was my person. So

yeah. So now I have no one, I'm going to be alone. No one's going to care about me. No one's going to be with me. Right. So as you do that, this is the crazy thing that I didn't understand until I did this experiment and kept doing it. Cause in my mind, having a spiritual connection to my child on the other side to my angels, to God. It was like up in the, the more in the spirit we can be, the more we can connect. That's not true. This is the crazy thing. And so many metaphysical healers have confirmed this for me now that I figured it out for myself and I've been checking it out, that the body is the bridge to the soul. And ironically, it doesn't make intuitive sense if you think about it. But the more in your body you are, the more of a relationship with your

body, it's like your tuning instrument. It's your communication instrument. It's how you can feel the subtleties of the communications and the relationship that you want to have with spirit, with your child, with whoever. The more in your body and with your body and in alignment with your body you are, the more those channels open and the less alone you are, even when you're physically alone, you feel and can access the immense support that is always flowing into you and companionship that is always flowing into you, whether you feel it or realize it or not, right? But as you are in your body, you can actually access it and you can't be in your body if

you are fighting what your body needs and wants and is asking you to do. Right. So besides asking my body how it feels about these invites, how else can I get in more in touch with my body? Well, somatic experiencing anything that is see, because what you're doing is what a lot of us do is you're the term is sort of being externally referenced. You're looking for your peace outside yourself in community, which is important. Community is important, but I don't think you have the right community, frankly. and as you do this work you will literally call that in but what i would encourage you to do in the bay area you said you live is check out two key things find yourself a somatic experiencing therapist or coach so go to traumahealing.org i have no affiliation with them but that's a website

i send people to because they have a big list of somatic experiencing therapists look for someone who works with grief and who does that kind of they'll teach you all sorts of ways to calm down your nervous system to access your body to move emotions through your body and out of your body the other thing that is amazing for attuning to is ecstatic dance oh i don't know we did a good grief day yes well that was just one minute but you could feel right you could feel when you came to the good grief day. This is for several hours and it's like a silent disco and you're with a whole bunch of other people, but everybody's in their own world and you're just moving to the music and being in your body, right? If you go on my website and you look under the meditations,

I think it's on the quantum love page. I would love for you to read quantum love because it's also going to help you with your relationship. But on the quantum love page, there are a bunch of meditations and do the grounding meditation. It only takes a few minutes, but if you can do that, like put sticky notes around on the mirror in your car that just say ground, because you're not, most of us after trauma are not in our bodies 99% of the time. So grounding is a way to bring your consciousness back into your body real quick. Just come back into your body. It takes about five breaths and that's it of guided you'll once you listen to the meditation once you'll be able to do it okay okay but those would be places to start somatic experiencing ecstatic dancing

grounding walking out on the beach or the grass barefoot asking your body you're going to decide what to eat tonight ask your body do i want chicken or fish do i want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt, like start with low stakes things and including invitations and just really get to really familiar. So it only takes a split second. I don't even have to ask most of the time because my body and I now have a communication channels opened where I immediately know, right. Cause we've been practicing this and I did at first practice pink shirt, blue shirt, right. Or left. And I would just, whatever, cause you have to know what yes and no, which we just did. You have to know what yes feels like in your body. And then once you do,

it gets louder and louder and you can hear it real quick. And not having this knowledge and not being in my body that causes anxiety. I know something's wrong. I just, I just didn't know what it was. Huge anxiety. Yeah. Huge anxiety. Yeah. Well, I know we've taken this, but one thing I do want to say that I've I realized from this conversation is that I was a caregiver for my mother who had Alzheimer's and then I was going she lived with us and we put her in a nursing home then I was going back and forth to Houston and then I was with her when she passed which was around Christmas of 2021 then I had to go back and forth to Houston with her arrangements in the state. And then I had a few months and then this happened with my son, Justin. So now I find

myself and I felt like I was just on a treadmill and a lot of the, I wasn't doing stuff and a lot of stuff with friends fell off. So now I find myself looking back going, well, maybe I didn't show up because I had all this going on. Maybe I didn't show up and maybe that's why I'm not getting back yes but also this kind of loss is and i really think it happens i believe that our soul kind of comes here plan in the gist not the all the details and there's free will but the general sense of the crap we're gonna have to face while we're here in service to learning or expanding our souls or our soul's growth and i think i know now having talked to thousands of people who have who are moving through and have moved through terrible loss that it is a

recalibration of your entire life and where a lot of the pain comes from is trying to keep the old when you are someone totally new you are a phoenix in the process or of rising from the ashes or let's make it even more specific to what happens with terrible loss is the caterpillar goes into the cocoon and it does not grow wings, it literally melts into mush. And then the DNA is in the caterpillar to become a butterfly and it reforms into a butterfly. Now, if as you're in the cocoon and you're reformulating and you're coming into your wings, the caterpillar is only hanging out with other caterpillars. As the wings come on, it starts wanting to jump a little bit and fly a little bit or break out of the cocoon or whatever, and it's only hanging out with the

caterpillars and it's not reaching and connecting with all the butterflies that are available that could show it how to fly and find nectar and all the other things, right? But until you're willing to be in the cocoon and to do the healing and to let go of anything that doesn't serve your body And to be with yourself fully, two things happen. One, you recognize that, yes, of course, I want and need other people and friends and community, but I am tapped in and tuned in and have so much support. I am not alone. None of us are alone, even when we're physically alone, right? And that's one of the calls that grief, the invitations that this kind of loss gives us. And the other is that as you move into integrity with yourself, there will be people who fall away, but they are not, they are caterpillars, but all kinds of butterflies are going to come in.

And the people that are also turning into butterflies who were your caterpillar friends before are going to come in, but you have to be willing to let go. And the grasping that you're doing and the forcing that you're doing out of fear of being alone is not serving you much less your relationship yeah and that makes a lot of sense now because my my instinct was to just go back to what was familiar which couldn't serve me no and then I'm saying to my partner I need you to fill in all these yeah and he's not god bless him he's not able to yeah and I love that too because he's perfectly positioned in your life to also force you to come to this, what we're talking about now. You can't externally reference

your peace with him. You can't externally reference it with your community. You can only do it within your body and then being tapped in and tuned in to all the divine energies that you can't access until you are home inside your body and in love and relationship and reverence of what your body has to teach you and listening to it and moving the pain out of it it will free you in ways that are like i can't it makes me want to cry i can't even put it into words yeah so that so that means as i do the work to do that wherever i am i should feel at home yeah in your body and my body and listen to just let your body be the boss just try it for two weeks and let it be the boss that's one of my favorite songs by Diana Ross, the boss. So I can't remember. There you go.

Put on that song and dance around and tell your body, like, I'm going to listen to you. I am willing. I'm willing to listen to you. I'm going to keep coming back into you. I'm going to keep grounding. I'm going to listen. Okay. Red shirt, blue shirt, chicken, fish, right, left, party, stay home, party, beach, party, walk. Which do you want? Let me try these. What do I have a yes to? Why do I have a no to? Just play with it and you will be astounded how how much appreciation you'll get in return. Yeah. Right. Will you keep me posted on how you're doing? For sure. This is I didn't know what to expect. So this was very helpful. Good. This is like 10 weeks of therapy. Amen. You're welcome. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Be well. Thank you. Nice talking to you.

You too.