Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - The Caregiver's Turn

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

Most people know or love someone who’s a cancer survivor. But it’s not just the cancer patient who survives and hopefully recovers from this kind of medical trauma. Caregivers, while they didn��t have to personally weather the life-threatening illness and its treatment, they did so by proxy, holding the patient up emotionally, physically and logistically while still managing and usually repressing their own fears and exhaustion.  Most caregivers put their own needs, and even their lives, on hold when their loved ones are suffering or undergoing treatment. And then, when the worst is over and it’s time to move forward, it’s not just the patient who must recover. The caregiver needs and deserves time, grace and support to do so as well. This journey can be especially complex in the case of romantic relationships as it becomes necessary to shift out of caregiver and patient roles back to partners and lovers… In this Language of Love Session, I have a follow up chat with a listener, Veronica, whose boyfriend has now finally finished cancer treatment. Against all odds, he’s now in remission. But instead of the celebration she was expecting, Veronica finds her life remaining on pause as she waits for her love to come back to the relationship they were building at the time of his diagnosis. Instead of excitement about enjoying their lives after their harrowing year, he’s been depressed, angry and distant. And Veronica is feeling resentful and abandoned.   In this episode we discuss: The ways medical trauma compares to other kinds when it comes to healing. Steps one can take to assist and inspire a loved one to move forward when the worst is over after trauma.  Some of my own struggles I had as a cancer survivor when my treatment was finally over and my caregiving husband was ready for me to come back to life. How the caregiving journey can be an opportunity to learn to hold our own peace (or even happiness) in the face of those we love remaining stuck in frustration and sadness.  What’s realistic to expect from a partner after a traumatic illness, and when it may or may not be time to throw in the towel.  If you’ve been a caregiver or you love one, you will get so much from this healing conversation! Resources and Links Dr. Laura Berman Language of Love Podcast Laura Berman Instagram – Dr Laura Berman Facebook – Dr Laura Berman Youtube.com – Dr Laura Berman  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Veronica, welcome to the language of love. Back to language of love, because you're

calling back with an update, right? Tell us what's going on. Yeah, I had spoke to you last fall about my partner being diagnosed with cancer and just trying to navigate how to best support him and how to best, you know, keep our relationship going. And a lot has happened actually since I last talked to you. So he at this moment is cancer free and it's really amazing and miraculous. Yeah. And, you know, it's the results that came from this big surgery.

he had or everything that we wanted to happen. But mentally, it's been a really, really big struggle for him and for me. And I've spent this past year overgiving, over caring, not taking care of myself. And so quite frankly, I'm at the end of my rope and I'm ready for someone to kind of take care of me a little bit. Yeah. He's mentally just not really in a place where he's providing me like the support I need from a partner. And he keeps on begging me to please be patient. He'll be himself again. We'll get back there. But in the meantime, I'm just I'm really suffering. And I'm kind of like, what am I what am I even doing in this in this relationship? Sometimes it's how I feel. Yeah, I mean, because I if I remember correctly, you had just moved in together and

just really launched your relationship around the time that he was and he's a young guy, He was diagnosed with cancer and it's been a year where you have been, like you said, caring for him. And so now, now that he's out of the woods and life can start, quote unquote, getting back to normal, obviously you've been waiting for that for a year, right? And if I understand you correctly, you're saying that it's not only that you want someone to take care of you, is that the main issue or is it also like what's going on with him? I know, like, why can't he care for you?

Like, what's the story with him? how is he acting? Is he still struggling emotionally? Is he struggling physically? What's happening? Both. I mean, so he had this big surgery and, you know, there's always complications. And so after the surgery, he did get an infection. He kind of has had this like drain attached to him, which he really hates, but it's kind of always, there's always been something attached to him really in the past year, there's maybe been a week where he hasn't had an ostomy bag attached to him or a drain of some sort. So, you know, he keeps on saying, well, when the drain is gone, then all, and I'm like, then you'll what? Like, I kind of,

you know, just know how he's been and it's kind of blaming it on something constantly. And just emotionally, I mean, sometimes I look at him and I'm just like, what is going on up there? And I can see there's so much like emotional turmoil. He is in therapy and we do see her together sometimes, but I also see myself not purposefully, but I am pushing away slowly. It's like, I'm slowly and I'm doing things that are weird and I don't mean to be doing them. Like for example, we were supposed to get these t-shirts together to go on this, like actually this cancer walk that was supposed to be, you know, part of it is for him. And I bought my own t-shirt and didn't buy his. And he was just like, so confused why I did that. And I said,

I'm confused why I did that too. So, and I'm, you know, talking to my therapist as well. And, you know, he said something to me like, well, it seems like maybe you feel abandoned in some ways and you're subconsciously kind of doing the same thing. And I felt terrible when I did that. I really didn't mean to consciously do that. Yeah, no, I'm sure it wasn't conscious, But it's also like, you know, screw this. I'm tired of taking care of you or anyone else. I'm just going to like do what I need to do for me because no one else is taking care of me.

No one else is looking out for me. And I'm tired of that. So maybe unconsciously you're being a little passive aggressive and acting out in those ways. But it does sound like you've tried to talk to him about it. And his his response is give me until I can get these, you know, it'll get better. It'll get better. Right.

So let's just say this, and I'm speaking to you with my therapist hat on, with the hat on of someone who's been the caretaker of many people with cancer and as someone who has been the one cared for with cancer when I had breast cancer. And I will start there because I vividly remember I was finally done with chemo and I had been barely holding it together through all of that. And now I was same thing out of the woods, done with chemo. And my husband all of a sudden was like ready for me to start stepping in on a whole new level with the kids and doing stuff and driving carpool and things that I hadn't been doing for a long time. And I still, even though it was done, it was so traumatizing, not that it wasn't traumatizing for him or you as well, but it was so traumatizing for me that it was almost like even though I was complaining and struggling and barely holding on through the whole thing. it was like, now that it was over, I just needed to like almost go into a cocoon for a little bit. That's what I was craving and wanting. And I remember feeling so bereft and depressed, even though I intellectually understood that like, of course now, like he's been dealing with this for a year. Of course he's ready for this, you know, but at the same time I wanted more time. And so there was a real grieving process that I had to kind of go through.

And I rallied. I didn't want to, but I rallied because I understood what he needed. And I would say, even when you called in the last time, if I remember correctly, what you were communicating to me, I don't know your boyfriend, but it was giving me the impression while he might be a very empathetic and kind and loving person, he is not very resilient. He's not very good at weathering big upheavals, and nothing is more major than what he just went through. I mean, I don't know that a lot of people would do great in managing an upheaval of

a major cancer scare and surgeries and ostomy bags and everything else, especially as a young guy. But this is really important for your future, and this is when you learn who each of you are when you're going through times of crisis like this. It does not mean that every moment is grace filled and conscious and resilient and perfect at all. It's a hot mess and you're allowed to each be a hot mess. But at some point, he has to be able to rise above his circumstances because the universe

has already showed you guys that life for every single one of us, we're all going to go through different trials and tribulations. But it's often, not always, but it's often a shit show, our lives. And so in a life partner, you want a co-captain who can weather those storms with you, who is a good partner. Sometimes the focus is going to be more on that partner. Sometimes the focus is going to be more on you. Sometimes it'll be on your kid.

Sometimes it'll be on a family member. But the two of you have to be able, even when you're the one who's struggling, to be able to move outside yourselves at some point and rise to the occasion. And it sounds to me like this is that point where he needs to do that. It is time. And I don't mean to be insensitive, God forbid. Like, I pray to God that I never have to experience the other side of this. But I am so grateful. I thank God every day for the miracle that he has given because, I mean, a year ago, it was bad.

Like they it was devastating and we really did not know what was going to happen. And so there's a part of me that, to be honest with you, is a little bit turned off by his lack of awareness of how lucky he is. And, you know, and every time I try to change the narrative for him and try to use the tools that like I've been taught, but I know you can't push those on someone else. They just kind of have to come to them themselves. But just that, like, he's still in this place like F the world. I can't believe this happened to me. And, you know, I have made a couple of friends online with like these two women in Canada whose partners had the same cancer. Canada is so behind on the times, insurances and even approving immunotherapy, like, and their partners aren't getting the treatment that like they need and deserve. And so I and I see in a bigger scope, like how lucky he is. And he just can't see it. And it upsets me because I'm sure that would upset a lot of other cancer patients like then. And then that also gives him this like survivor's guilt, which I, you know, feel he's going through as well. But I just I just sometimes I just want to be like, snap out of it. Like I hear that. Listen, we all go through phases like that, I think. I mean, I certainly have in my relationship where I'm just like, all right, you know, you're being lame, like, you know, and you're trying to call them to consciousness, but they won't. Right. And so you're in choice there. And I get that you're getting turned off. Right. And I think that's important to honor. But it's also important not to run yet because you do want to give yourselves a grace period. Right. And you don't know, like the dust is still settling.

He's still getting, he's still like, he's traumatized, right? And he's in a total victim space. This is important information for you because this has shown you, you know, who he is under the ultimate stress, right? He moves to blame and anger and that's important to know, right? And maybe you can tackle that on more

on the other side of this, right? Now he doesn't have enough 2020 hindsight to tackle it, right? So you're in choice here. And if it were me, so I'm talking to you as if you were my sister or my friend or my client or whoever, my advice would be if you really love this guy and want to give the relationship a chance, the only way any of us can ever create change in our partner is by inspiring it. We certainly can't force change on them. We can create conditions that put them in choice, like either you change or you lose me and really mean it, right? But I don't think you're at that point yet.

But I do think you can start modeling change and start start creating more boundaries around the energy that you want to be in. Right. So when he and I've been through this through times with my kids, not so much with my husband because he doesn't tend toward depression and victimhood. but some of my kids do and a lot of my friends do. And it's really easy as a codependent, and I can already tell that you're a codependent. I consider myself an in-recovery codependent, but it's really easy for us, especially with someone we love, to fall into trying to convince them to see the world differently, joining them in the hole they're in rather than standing up on the surface, enjoying the sunshine, enjoying the beauty of life, extending them a ladder, showing them the path to come join you there, but not getting in the hole with them, right? That is the challenge of the codependent. Yeah, it's so hard. Why? Because we are trained as

codependents in our childhood to make other people's happiness our responsibility. If they're not okay, we're not okay. And we feel guilty and shame and like we're bad people, bad daughters, bad partners if we don't join them in their pain or get in the hole with them. But that certainly doesn't serve you, but it also doesn't serve him, right? And what happens when you stay on the surface, but stay on the land and don't get in the hole with him, stay in the sun and don't get in the hole with him is two things. One, by not joining him there, you're making it harder for him to stay there. you're indirectly inspiring him to climb out. But as a more importantly, you're modeling for him

what it's like in the sun. So as he sees you enjoying your life or taking classes or going out with friends or doing things and inviting him along, inviting him into the sun, inviting him into the light, right? All the time. And I don't mean you're prancing around being Pollyanna when he's in a ball on the floor and you're totally unempathetic, but you also don't have to join him there. You don't have to convince him to look at things differently. And if you do that, if you can hold that empathy and hold a little bit of compassion and stay with him for a minute where he is and offer him a different perspective.

And when he rejects that different perspective, say, okay, I understand that here I am over here. I'm going to go out now for a walk, or I'm going to go out now. and you really start taking care of your own vibration and your own mood and you don't let yourself get sucked in, one of two things is gonna happen within the next three or six months, I can promise you,

if you do this consistently. Either things will continue to improve if he stays in therapy and he keeps working on things and the two of you keep working things together and he's gonna eventually follow your model and want to be in the sun with you, right? That's probably what's gonna happen. The other option is that you will have healed enough

from being in the hole with him and have soaked up enough of the quote unquote son that it will no longer be tolerable for you to be in the relationship and the decision will be clear. And then you will probably set an ultimatum that you will mean and you won't be bluffing. And then there will be another choice that he'll be in.

Either he takes responsibility and changes or he doesn't, but it will be much easier for you because you will be in this fortified place of clarity of what you really want in your life. and it won't feel as horrible to leave a situation where someone's committed to being stuck. As most of you know, for the past several years, I've been on a pretty intense grief journey

and it's been a path of healing. I've shared lots of that healing with you and lots of the healing resources that I found. And I am so thrilled to announce that I am doing my first ever retreat for grieving mamas. So if you or someone you love is a mama who has lost a child in any way, at any stage, at any age, I would love for you to come join me at 1440 Multiversity in the Redwoods near Santa Cruz, California for four amazing days of beautiful, uplifting community and healing.

We've got David Kessler. We've got Paul Selig. We've got Catherine Woodward Thomas. We've got me. We've got body work. We've got organic food, beautiful rooms. go to 1440.org check it out it's right there on the home page i really hope you can join us i don't want that it's coming up in my mind more and more that like i might have to do this

at some point because i can't like i can't take this anymore and it is i mean even last night he said to me you know i feel like when i'm around every time it's like a dark cloud is around and And I was like, yes, like to, to be honest with you. And, you know, I was, I almost was like coddling him for the past year and, you know, and now I just, I've just reached a point where I just, I cannot do that anymore. I need to notice that my, my attitude is changing. And I'm like, it's, I'm just trying to draw some, some boundaries, you know, between us because he, he's like, I can't lose you.

I can't lose you. And then last night for the first time, he said to me, you know, but if you do have to go, like, I'll understand. And I just wanted to be like, shake him and be like, don't let it get there. You know, if you really. Well, you can't you can say it's up to you. I want to stay, but I need to stay with someone who's willing to rise to the challenges that life gives us, even those challenges that we don't deserve and that are horrible and feel like God, you know, slapped us down and ground our face into the mud. I need to be with someone who is willing to keep

rising. And, you know, my father passed away from cancer a few years ago and his battle was about four years long. He was only supposed to live for three to six months. So we got him, you know, extra time. But and God forbid, I hope this doesn't happen. But as you know, as you are too, I'm familiar with cancer. And once you get cancer, it can always come back. And it scares me that like, if, and when it might come back for him, however many years that may be, I hope it doesn't, but you know, it also worries me that he's just going to lose it. Exactly. This is when you learn who someone is now he's a young guy, right? And so, and we don't know exactly, he's still in the trauma of it. So we won't really know how he's

going to grow out of this, assuming he stays in therapy and really commits to moving beyond this for another three to six months, right? And so he could surprise you. I get that you're scared, but your timeline is a little shorter than his. And just speaking as a cancer survivor myself, I just want to encourage you to just give it a little time because he may surprise you, especially as he feels your firm boundaries around this and that you won't coddle him anymore. But with every relationship that isn't working for us, when we're struggling with what to do, whether to stay, whether to go, and I know you're not quite there yet, although it's starting to enter your mind, it becomes really clear if you keep doing your work on

your clarity, your ground, your boundaries, your happiness, and you hold that with compassion for his needs reasonably, then there will come a time if he doesn't rise to the occasion where the pain of being in the relationship is going to be greater than your fear or sadness of leaving it. And that tipping point will be clear. So you don't need to worry about that now. Now it's about being as patient as you can with him

without coddling him, encouraging and making sure that he continues to do his own work and you do your work and live your life. And by doing that, be a model of what resilience and the light can really look like so that he starts to see what's possible and that there's that constant open door and invitation to join you there, but that you aren't going to be getting into the hole with him.

Yeah. And it's like, sometimes I feel like he wants me to, and then sometimes he doesn't. And I mean, the other day we were watching TV and he said, I love you to me maybe about a dozen times over the course of a couple of hours. And finally he goes, what the hell's wrong with me? Am I dying. Like, I don't know why I keep on saying, I love you. I love it. But like, I could tell, you know, it was just because he's so afraid of losing me and feeling insecure. Yeah. And I, sometimes I look at him and I know he knows what he needs to do, but he's completely frozen. Yes. He's in trauma. He has been through, it's like the equivalent of having been in a bombing, a bomb went off in his life and in his body and exploded. His body hasn't even caught up

with what's happened to it, right? He hasn't caught up with what's happened to him. He's been in survival mode and tremendous pain for a really long time. And so now is when the work begins. He's been in survival mode. He can't even think about his mood, whatever, you know, and he didn't, maybe he didn't handle it as well as someone who was a little more conscious and evolved might handle or someone who was a little more resilient. But here is where the opportunity begins to integrate all of that, to heal that, to move through that, to clarity and grace. And that's where therapy is going to have to help. And maybe it's a therapy's in, maybe it's some somatic experiencing, but if he does that work, then he could very well come out

the other side of this, having healed from and integrated from this trauma where he can see, oh my God, I'm a freaking warrior. Look what I just went through. I'm so lucky to be alive. this is grace I'm so much stronger than I realize I can handle what life throws at me like that's where we want him to get but we can't drag him there you know he has to be willing to go through that dark night of the soul and do the work to get there and we will know in the next three to six months whether the difference the distance between the two of you has deepened or shortened yeah and that's around the timeline I'm thinking to you know the end of the year beginning of next year like, see how the holidays and everything go. And, you know, it's so hard, like the people

that aren't involved in the day to day are just like, yes, like you beat cancer, you know, life is good. Like this is, you know, but life is not good. Like life is actually pretty crappy right now. And someone recently said to me, and it was so true, but I hated it at the same time. They said, you got through the scary part. Now this is the hard part. Yes, that's right. That's right. You've been in survival mode in fear and now it all lands. If you think about like a dog, not to compare you guys to a dog, but a dog who's like almost got hit by a car or got grabbed up and put into a dog carrier and couldn't come out and was scared and freaking out and then brought to the vet or whatever, something traumatizing and or painful. What do they do when they're done? They have to shake it off. All they do is kind of shake it off and integrate it.

We have to, especially with something as big as what he's been through, we have to do our own emotional and even physical shaking off and integrating and releasing what happened to us. And it's easy to stay stuck there if you're not, if you don't get the support you need and if you don't do the work, you know, and no one can do it for him. And I get that, like, there's this frustration, like we're lucky to be alive. God damn it. be happy, but he's got to get through this before he can be happy. The key to everything I think as

a codependent or recovering codependent to finding peace and happiness in life. This is what this relationship, probably many things, but this is one of the key things that this is, this relationship is giving you an invitation to learn to do. Thank your soul for signing up for this is to learn how to move in the world so that your peace, your grace, your happiness is not contingent on or dependent on anyone else's state. You have no idea how to do that yet. No. And I mean, I've never lived in a city where I know so few people, where I have such little of a support system. Like if my mom was here, you know, like it would be easier. Like I literally have like two friends here because I've, you know, how was I supposed to make friends here in the past year? Well, now you're

going to. Now you're going to create a life for yourself and you're going to go out there. You don't have to coddle anyone anymore. You don't have to go to a million doctor's appointments. You don't have to be in survival mode. Right. And your happiness doesn't have to be contingent on his mood or whether he's willing to join you or whether he's willing to match you where you are or whether he's in a horrible place and asking you consciously or unconsciously to match him in that dark place, right? And even better that you don't have your usual places that outside yourself, your mother, whoever to go to, to not fall prey to that, right? Now you get to build the solo muscle that is so crucial because your peace can never be, I get that friends and

activities definitely help for sure. And you're going to create those. But in the end, what I want for you is for you to be able to just do that within yourself. Right. And to be like, you know what? I'm going out for a run. Well, I'm going to go out and enjoy this, the sunset. Well, I'm going to go out and get my favorite sandwich. You know, I'm going to do things that fill me up, that make me happy, that take care of me and my body and my heart and my soul and my mind. And I'm going to live a happy life and create a happy life. And you can join me here or not. And let's see what happens. Yeah. And I did just sign up for improv classes. Right. That's a perfect example of what I'm talking about. That's fantastic. Yeah. So, you know, we're going to I mean, do you have any

other tips on just like how to keep more patient with him over these next three to six months? Just continue doing the things. I don't even know what I like. Sometimes I don't even know what I like to do anymore. So I'm just kind of still learning. Yeah, I think that's what it's about and really any impatience you feel with him trying to remember that that impatience you're putting on him is also impatient. It's really about the the codependence. Think about it. If you saw someone you knew who your life wasn't intertwined with being stuck like he is, you would feel compassion for them. You would feel grace for them. You might feel sorry for them. You might wish it could be different, but you wouldn't feel at the effect of them. And that is why you resent him

right now. Because you feel at the effect of him because you are making yourself at the effect of him. But when you are unwilling to put yourself at the effect of his mood, where your mood is not contingent on his, your happiness is not required, doesn't require his. Your enjoyment of something doesn't require his participation, always that invitation is there, but it's not required and it can exist whether he's there or not. If you can cultivate and strengthen that muscle during the next three to six months, regardless of what happens with this relationship, your life is going to be a hundred times better in every aspect because then no one and nothing can ever take away your peace. So if you get nothing else from this, that is a priceless gift.

I hope I get a husband in the future and that's, you know, what we want, but. You probably will, but this is the only path to getting there, right? You can't drag him along. You can just show him what's possible and require something different. And, and if you, when you are doing that and you shift to that perspective, you're much more in your power and then you're much less resentful. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Thank you so much for talking to me again. You're welcome. Keep us posted three to six months. Call me back and let me know what happens. Okay. Thanks, Dr. Berman. I went to the doctor

Said I'm crazy