Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - The Danger of Dead Bedrooms

Episode Date: July 27, 2021

On today’s episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman talks about the very real danger that comes from ‘dead bedrooms.’ As she explains, the longer you go without sex, the more difficult it is to reawaken that desire and save that sexual connection. From physical concerns like the decline of sexual response and atrophy in the genital region to the emotional valley that can grow between couples when sex falls by the wayside, Dr. Berman explains why it’s so important to get the flames going in the bedroom, because once that fire is doused, it becomes that much harder to reignite once again. Next, Dr. Berman talks about how older women can grow into their sexual prowess as they age. She explains that while older men can be seen as ‘debonair’ or getting better with age, older women tend to be seen as unattractive or simply not seen at all. She explains why this myth is simply false and why sex can be enjoyable and life-affirming for baby boomers and beyond, and how to deal with common issues like vaginal dryness and body image issues as they arise. She explains how older women can lean into their wisdom and embrace life and sexuality both during and after menopause. “I’m really interested in helping women understand what a powerful, innervating, freeing and exciting time this can be,” she says about life after menopause. If you have a question for Dr. Berman you can send a voice message to her on Speakpipe or send an email to [e-mail]. She might answer your question on the next podcast!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy. and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love-sex relationship questions, and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love.

Hi, that sounds like a good band name. Life, Sex, and Comics. I like that. well my comic book is called the wacky body sex the wacky sexy body mechanic and I owned a coffee shop for five years in downtown Victoria and one of the people that was a frequent supporter of our coffee shop owns a comic book store here in Victoria called legends comic books and I took a class with him and and that's where I that's where my book came from right and so I had it at the coffee shop and you know I had this friend of mine who's in her 70s and she was disgusted she

was like how could you even have that and one day one day she was sitting having her coffee and reading my comic book and she looked up at me and she said it's not that bad so you know it's really great that it was a very small coffee shop we had about 10 seats and all of the conversations were very intimate and everybody was allowed to say whatever they needed to say and we had people from teenagers to old retired lawyers and you know like just a gamut of people and being able to speak freely about how you feel about sex or don't feel about sex or don't want to talk about it or you know like just having the ability to be whoever you are however you are was really great so yeah we need more of that yeah and I'm a La Leche League leader so I've been I don't know

if anybody knows what that is. It's a breastfeeding support group that's been around since 1956. And generally the people in our realm, we do talk to our children about their body parts as though they are, you know, the wacky, sexy body mechanic. That is this, and this is the way that it works.

And, you know, you have penis pushups and that's just how your penis works every day. You know, it just does that thing. And it's totally fine. That's just your machinery, you know? So yeah, that's what I have to say for now. Well, thank you. And I'm a big fan of LLHA. I did some work with them way back when I was in graduate school, such an important international organization. But yes, thank you for that. And thanks for weighing in on this conversation and for contributing to the open dialogue about this topic, because it really does start with us. And I think you make an important point that it's, you know, in small groups, right, it's much easier to talk in a more intimate setting. But we learn, you know, that this is not polite conversation. This is not something, especially for women, nice girls do.

Although if you hear a bunch of girlfriends talking to each other about sex, you know, things get extremely raunchy among ourselves. But we all pretend, you know, that we're very my husband walked into a conversation I was having not long ago with a girlfriend. He was like, whoa, you guys get raunchy. But we but we but most women don't do that, you know, in public because that's not something nice girls do. Which, I mean, not that we have to go around being raunchy all the time, but we certainly should feel comfortable talking about one of the most fundamental, you know, aspects of human nature and the reason we're all here. Thank you for that. Right. And the other the other thing that I'm passionate about is sex with the community that is having some sort of disability and how they manage their sexual relationships in life. I had I had a spinal injury when I was 16 and so you know

It's like things work a little differently is not bad or wrong or whatever. It's just different, right? And so being okay with yourself and the limitations that you have sexually is interesting and then finding out other people that have I had a friend who was a Quadriplegic and and if I share too much more it everybody will know who it is So but you know that just their experience in life and how they manage things was very interesting as well And all the more reason to be able to communicate. I have several friends who work, you know, with populations that have gone through spinal cord injury or have other disability. And that's one of the biggest hurdles is getting, just like everyone else, getting them comfortable even talking about this topic. And then we can start troubleshooting and accommodating and coming up with solutions. So it starts with the communication on all fronts.

Thank you for that, Darlene. Is Jude next? Jude? You know, I like this topic, Laura, a lot. And I've interviewed quite a few for television and TV talk, a lot of sex therapists, by the way. And you don't hear as many, maybe it's just I just don't see it because I'm on Clubhouse and I don't see what's being promoted on the talk shows. but you don't hear a lot about people talking about sex and I had a conversation not too long ago with the psychiatrist friend of mine we were

having lunch and and he said that the longer that couples stay away from from having intimacy from making love having sex that then the harder it is to get back to it it's kind of like if you haven't done it yeah anything else if you haven't done it for a while any habit going to the gym any and not that sex is necessarily a habit but when you fall out of doing what you'd like to do And I read, and you may know about this, Laura, that I was reading that during COVID, instead of having people having a lot of intimacy, there was actually less intimacy because of COVID. Because kids were home, there was more responsibility, there wasn't quite the allure. Right, and more stress.

Exactly. But here's something cute that I want to leave you with, at least I got a kick out of it. It was in the Wall Street Journal about this 83-year-old woman went into a sex shop because she wanted to add a little excitement to her life with her lover, her partner. and she said that no one really wanted to help her, even her girlfriend who went with her to help her, didn't know what she should be purchasing. And I got a really big kick out of that because I thought, here's a woman who's seasoned, shall we say, at 83,

and she's still looking for ways to spike up her sex life. And I thought that was pretty fun to add some spark. Absolutely. I'm leaving that with you, Laura. Okay, thanks. Yeah, I mean, I've had a lot of clients through the years who are in their 80s and want to either spice things up or are getting back out there to speak to your comment around use it or lose it kind of thing. It's not only physiologically, especially for women,

we can start to get atrophy in the genital region and sex gets more uncomfortable when we're not kind of keeping the plumbing going with arousal and sexual contact, but also between a couple, you know, it's sort of like this valley builds when you haven't been sexual in a long time and it can feel hard to cross that valley. But I also agree that, you know, you make an important point around comfort with talking about sex and the media's influence. It's always ironic to me that you see sex all over television, you know, and explicit sex scenes on primetime television shows, but on talk shows and news shows, they barely scrape the surface. And when I've done, I mean, I remember years ago, I was doing something around female sexual dysfunction, like challenges women

face physiologically from a sexual standpoint. And I was going on the NBC nightly news to talk, they wanted to talk about it. But the producer beforehand told me, and I've heard this many times, actually, that I couldn't say orgasm on television. And I couldn't say vagina. And I said, okay, well, can I say penis? Oh, yes, you can say penis, but you can't say vagina. And then the orgasm thing i remember doing a show about a segment about arousal aids but i couldn't say orgasm and i was like well what am i supposed to call it and they said i don't know that special place that a woman gets to so yeah i couldn't even say that i mean i couldn't even allude to it because they're so because they're so scared of you know losing advertisers or offending someone

and it's like a self-propagating thing well first and foremost um i would i just was curious about this but i'm now fascinated with this conversation um yes it's it's more than 30 years in financial services in fact i'll actually be on a podcast tomorrow certainly not talking about this particular topic but i did learn today a couple things and i also wanted to talk about the fact that i'll be turning 70 next year and i'm and so we bring a wealth of experience good and bad but today i learned a couple things that i think is important one is to appreciate the unique the unique value a human can bring i never really thought about that that much and to also be curious but the two things that i've learned in my almost 70 years that we never talked about and i

I wish they would have, was the two M's, menopause and masturbation. You're right. You're absolutely right. Thank you for agreeing. So when I was taught about, you know, all the things that we can do wonderfully in terms of experiencing your body, your first sex opportunity, your first boyfriend, the one thing that they failed to bring up in the conversation was menopause. Yeah. And I can't stand gravity. I'll take that all the time.

And what they don't explain to you is what happens to your body as time goes on. Obviously, we live in a very cosmetic world. I know I'm very suspect to it. I love cosmetics. I love to look good all the time. But the one thing I cannot change is gravity. And as my body changed, to be perfectly frank with this group, I not only could not accept it for a long period of time, it affected my level of professional confidence. It affected my social well-being and everything that I thought about myself.

So I really wish someone would have said, you know, when you turn whatever age it is, your body is going to change. Well, what changes were what I was supposed to expect? I didn't realize the droopiness, the dryness, and all the discomfort. They should have included that in the conversation. So I'm thinking, you know, this is the way it's supposed to be. And just recently, and I was with a group of friends, I said, you know, I don't look the way I feel. You know, obviously, I'm going to be turning 70. So for the first time, and I know nothing about it other than going into a doctor's

office, I said, you know, I'm going to find out about a vaginal rejuvenation. No, don't do it. All right. Well, there you go. All right. So let me just stop you right there, because what you're saying is so important for a couple of reasons. One, you're absolutely right.

I mean, my first book, actually, that I've written nine, but my first book was called for women only. And it was addressing all the medical and physical, you know, it was mind, body, but for the first time, it was really addressing no one, you know, no one really addressed the medical or physical causes of sexual issues in women. And obviously menopause, which I wrote a tremendous amount about, is one of the primary medical or physiologic reasons why women struggle with sexual response, dryness, difficulty getting aroused. And then of course, are the body image issues that evolve for all of us men and women you know but especially women since we have a uh you know men seem to be seen as sexier and debonair often as they age you know

and women not so much i think that's more of a commentary on the power structure of our society than anything else and i also have been noticing a shift over time as more and more older actresses and models are saying, oh, no, like we baby boomers are not, you know, going to pretend we don't exist anymore after 50, especially when we have another 50 years of a healthy, active lifestyle. And you're not going to tell us, you know, that only a woman who looks like she's in her 20s genitally and physically from the outside is attractive. We're not going to accept that anymore. And it really does start with us even more than it does, because I guarantee you, any partner you're with is not analyzing your droopy labia that gravity might have taken a

toll on. Only you are worried about that. And the sensation and the arousal is still there. You may need some hormonal support. You may need added lubrication. There are medical interventions you can do to support your changing body. But I am a huge naysayer to vaginal rejuvenation and they prey on people just like you, Kina, who think that they're not desirable anymore because their genitals don't look like a 20-year-old airbrushed picture in a magazine or online. And the truth is those surgeries are cutting into tissue that is piled to the rim with nerve endings and blood vessels that are central to your sexual function. And when they go in and cut and tuck. I can't tell you how many women have come into my office now struggling with

pain, severe pain. They can't even have intercourse or dryness. And it's also doing a surgery that, that, you know, very likely is going to interrupt whatever arousal you have left, not to mention a totally unnecessary surgery. Um, because you're the only one that sees it or of thinks, you know, I remember this crazy woman. I mean, she's, she wasn't a patient of mine, but this crazy woman talking to me on the street once about this. And she said, she said, I have droopy labia. And I said, well, how do you even know you have droopy labia? Because when you're lying down or when you're looking at yours, she said, I put a mirror on the floor and stood over it and saw that gravity had happened. And then I later found out that this is a really common

occurrence maybe you've even done this oh absolutely okay well so how often are you standing i mean i know you may i'm just going to be frank or perhaps maybe you'll sit on someone's face but how long how often are you standing over someone's face you know what i mean where they have birds like a perfect view like they don't you're either lying down or you're on your you know they aren't seeing the effects of gravity on your labia so do not cut those beautiful things well mine's i i i'll be honest with you i'm totally obsessed with it and i look at it nightly and i don't and i don't have i don't ask my husband to hold the mirror up i figure it out a way that i can look at it all by myself um but yes nightly before i go to bed oh i have

that makes me so sad see i think this is about something else you're you're channeling all of your fears about aging to your poor little genitals and making that the litmus of your desirability as a woman and a human being. And I assume since you're with a husband, it's men who you're attracted to. And I can tell you that what is, I'm not a man myself, but I certainly talk extensively and maybe some of the guys can weigh in as you come up here and confirm or deny this, but what's most attractive to men is that sense of confidence and comfort a woman has in her own body and her sexuality. And they are not analyzing the length of your labia or how they're sticking out or not sticking out. And I encourage you to go and check out, even on Instagram,

I follow this woman. I just, let me see if I can find her as I talk to you, but she posts photos, not photos, paintings, but she takes real pictures that people send her of all kinds of genitals. Because believe me, if you look at what genitals actually look like, they are all different sizes, shapes, textures, colors, and she paints them. And her whole Instagram profile is one kind of genital after another. And you will see that you are trying to match an ideal that no one ever would hold you to. And I think you're, my sense is that it's really not even about your genitals. It's just that your genitals are the ones that are, are getting the brunt of your resistance to getting older. And what I would encourage you to do is instead of cutting into

your erectile tissue in your genitals and doing potential damage to maybe do some real soul work and personal growth work around staying juicy and sexy and gorgeous from the inside out at any age, because we really can. We may not look like a 20-year-old anymore, but we're not supposed to. And that doesn't make us any less desirable or any less sexual or any less capable of enjoying sex. In fact, even more so because we've lived much longer, we've had a lot more experience. And if we allow ourselves and do the work to really embrace our bodies and ourselves, then we're more comfortable in our bodies than the 20-year-old who's got the genitals, you know, that you may be thinking you're supposed to have. Thank you. Obviously, I don't want to monopolize.

And this is great. This is sage advice, and I truly appreciate it. So I'll wait until next time that you get together to talk about the topic. We'll talk more. of masturbation so oh yeah we stopped talking about masturbation we'll do that maybe it'll come up later but yeah we'll we'll get to masturbation thank you I just want to take a little segue here and talk about an important issue that I find really affects women's lives and the people who love them and it's something not talked about nearly enough millions of women

so many of them struggle with chronic UTIs urinary tract infections and it can happen due to all sorts of reasons, menopause, pregnancy, other hormonal changes, other factors, but it can drastically and negatively impact your interest in sex as well as your enjoyment. And, you know, the most common prescriptions doctors will give you to avoid them is peeing after sex and lots of cranberry juice, which can help, but certainly often is not enough. And Uquora, this company I've discovered, has a UTI relief products that will help you address the UTI symptoms until you're able to go see a doctor. But they also have a proactive urinary tract health supplement line that helps you maintain a healthy urinary tract and avoid those infections. So get proactive

about your urinary tract health with Eucora. And right now, Eucora is offering 20% off when you go to you quora.com slash love but hurry because it's a limited time offer go to you quora.com slash love to get 20 off your order that's uqora.com slash love super excited dr laura burman to be speaking to you today following from all yeah the oprah years and hearing you reference that is really validating and just knowing this journey that we're on. My comments are going to be around Tina talking about, you know, the aging and sexuality. And so I just really, I am a midlife mom is how I describe myself. I just turned 55. I've been in a marriage for now almost 30 years. We're at 29 years. So when we talk about sex frequency and how often

it should be happening, I mean, I've seen droughts as it relates to that. And what I'm excited about though right now is you've hit on it about kind of owning our power. I'm excited about these books that you're sharing because that is truly the season I'm in and rekindling, reclaiming my own power and then recognizing that a lot of the intimacy, the creativity, the ability to release and let go was all within me. It was my power and it was for me to design that so that I can be more receptive and more open to my partner and more receiving. And so I'm just excited about the life's journey and the opportunity to see intimacy happen in different ways. And it's a lot of mental. It has been a lot of mental for me lately. It really is. And I love that you brought

that up. And I remember meeting, I was talking to this Chinese medicine doctor and he was, something about menopause came up and he said you know you know why menopause is the transition is so tough and I said why you know I was curious what his take on it was and he said well the chi which is you know in Chinese medicine the life force a woman's chi her entire life the you know that travels through the meridians the life force that's traveling that enervates us that creates energy and creativity and sexual energy that's all flowing toward our womb our uterus those meridians there and when we go through the menopausal transition the transition is actually the chi changing directions so that now it's feeding the entire body and traveling not all

centralized around the womb but all over the body and then that's why you know older women and menopausal women in every indigenous culture and in our culture as well, before farming came hundreds of years ago, women, as we pass that menopausal transition, that's when we became the wise women. That's when we became, you know, we were no longer focused on raising children, small children, and we now have lived so much and have so much wisdom gained that we start to not only share that wisdom with those who are younger than us, but also share that with the world. And our creativity and our sexuality absolutely come from the same place. I have zero doubt about that from doing this work for 25 years or more now. I think that you're spot on that this actually,

I'm really interested and have been spending a lot of time trying to teach women. And I'm also perimenopausal myself. I haven't gone through the transition, but I'm getting up there. And, you know, I'm having some of the symptoms that I'm learning to manage physically as well as emotionally. But I can tell you that I'm really interested in helping women understand what a powerful, enervating, freeing and exciting time this can be. You're not worried about getting pregnant. You have much less responsibility. You have so much more flexibility. You have an empty nest in many cases where you don't have to worry about kids and all the errands and them walking in or finding the time. You know, you may be slowing down, hopefully, if you can, in the work. You may be reinventing yourself. You know, there is, I think retirement is becoming a thing of the past in the sense that we, retirement really means working for joy, you know, rather than just for the paycheck. And so I think there's so many beautiful opportunities to make this transition a, and I keep saying juicy because it feels like we equate menopause with drying up, you know, and it's not. It can be the most juicy, beautiful, creative, productive, sensual, sexual time of your life and certainly one of the most empowering. So I love your I love your take on it, Cynthia. And I say keep going. We'll keep the conversation going to and listen to those podcasts because you will.

It'll be right up your alley. I have the books and I'm certainly going to be listening to the podcast. Yes. And juicy, that's a wonderful word. And I just want to share that healthy lubes may help too. So as that, you know, that woman who was going into the store and didn't know what to look for just recently, and my husband was very excited and he was probably shocked to hear me say, I think I could have sex every day because this is amazing. CBD infused lube. And it's, you know, I actually have a product that I created with my friend who does, you know, these sorts of she makes these potions and lotions and things. And it's called yoni silk. And it is a organic fractionated coconut oil with Damiana and CBD in it. And it is

amazing. But even just using organic coconut oil, you know, you got to be really careful what you put there. A lot of the lubricants that are out there have preservatives or chemicals in them. And your genitals are mucus membranes, which means whatever gets put there goes directly into your bloodstream. So whatever you're using, make sure that it is organic and all natural. Shopify won't let me won't let people sell anything nationally or internationally with CBD in it. So I had to take it down. But if you DM me on any of my social media platforms, I'll get it for you. But, you know, if you're using condoms still, if you're if you're practicing safer sex or use condoms as birth control, you don't want to use an oil based lubricant because that can break down the integrity of the latex.

But otherwise, assuming you're not allergic to coconuts, the best, I'm telling you, the best, just the organic coconut oil that you cook with is one of the best lubricants I've been able to find. But what you're looking for in the stores are things with basically ingredients you recognize and, you know, you can pronounce and that your grandmother would cook with, you know. and or maybe not the cbd but you know what i'm saying um and that um so you know things that don't have a lot of scent in them or sugar any kind of sugar product can cause urinary tract infections and a lot of those edible things that they sell in the stores have sugar in them or chemicals in them that make them sweet so just keep it as simple as possible okay laura i'm a very big fan and and love uh i've watched you on many shows uh from sydney australia and uh it's funny you should say that eve is going my wife's going through i think menopause too and

yeah i love the advice that you said and pity that australia can't get cbd um we're trying to i'm trying to develop some products in the in the lolly and edibles but yeah yeah just i'll dm you if you don't mind, and I'm more than happy to send you some just for shits and giggles. Crohn's was an old confection of many, many years ago. It's P-R-O-N-S, isn't it? I think so, yes. Yeah, yeah.

I was a little girl at the time, but I remember going in that chocolate factory and all the things. And my dad also used to get ants and make him make chocolate-covered ants, which was really gross. But I had an unusual childhood, but that's a story for another day. better. Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem. Hi, thanks for having me. It's Andrea. Dr. Laura is a big fan. Super excited to hear,

you know, you on TikTok, on Clubhouse. And I just wanted to say, I love the advice that you've been giving out. I am divorced and just out of a two year, you know, divorce and then in a relationship of two and a half years and that's just over however perimenopausal so I'm like dating now is going to be a little different I think I don't know I feel like it's going to be a little different not really sure what to expect and but I have been listening to what you've said in the books that you've referenced and I'm definitely going to listen to the podcast but just wanted to say you know thank you for all this advice for women you know my age who are going through this because we need to hear this because we don't hear it so I just wanted to just give my thanks

Yeah. And if you can get they even make and actually I'm looking for someone to make suppositories, vaginal suppositories, because I've had a lot of women say that when they're single and dating and especially if they're in their late 30s or early 40s when this is happening and especially if they're dating younger people, they shouldn't be. but they are self-conscious about pulling out the lube, you know, and so I like the idea of lubricant suppositories that you can just sort of pop in there and they melt, you know, and then you're lubricated for the next few hours. Isn't that a good idea? But I think, you know, I think Johnson and Johnson actually may make one, but it's not organic. But the other nice thing is that the studies have shown even with menopausal women who are well into menopause and really experiencing dryness when they have a new partner that they're excited about and into they actually lubricate so so at least the first couple of times until you get to know the person you probably

won't have a problem i love that there's hope yeah just keep jumping from a person relationship sorry i'm gonna i'm gonna need lube the next time i can't see you again or just claim it and be, cause I really think it's something that all women, even younger women really enjoy it. You don't have to have dryness to enjoy lubrication. So, or extra lubrication. So, um, you know, I think it's really about how you present it in your own comfort level with it and your own confidence that really makes a difference. For sure. Thank you. I really appreciate that. I can give a tip that just having a glass of water beside your bed with a little bit of olive oil dropped on the top so and then you put your hand into it and it just puts a just the right

amount that's a good idea because sometimes you want a little bit more friction right you want just a little bit more friction wait Darlene are you saying that you don't tell them you just said you just pretend it's water and that you're being like really sexy dipping your fingers in the water and dribbling it over your genitals but it's actually water with some olive oil in it well know I've always been married to the people I've been having sex with well at least for the last 40 years you know so well Andrea I think you could do that as like a secret you know what I mean if you didn't want him to know or what I used to do is I used to go into the bathroom and lube myself up before I went into the bedroom this is when I was dating when I was dating my husband and then

I would just get on top of him and you know like slide on and it was just lovely you know so that's option too yep I really I really like the idea of the secret just kind of like playing with it being sexy with the water splashing on his face and just yeah you know and then he'll be like oh it's very olive scented is that oregano oh that's funny I like that after a spaghetti dinner it all works yeah thank you for that oh oh I have something I have something so so so blood as lube is an interesting experience when you're going through menopause and for other people that have a lot of bleeding issues it's one of the things I it was actually a topic in my comic book because I happen to be going through menopause as I was doing the comic book I'm done now

so you know as I was bleeding because lube was getting kind of weird and I was like oh I don't know what's going on so so when I was having my period I would just use that for lube and that actually worked really, really well, you know, once the cramps are done and all that. So that and that's a taboo subject to talk about. Yeah, sex during your period, a lot of people are uncomfortable with. But, you know, that is a taboo subject, but it is a good lubricant. That's for sure. Yeah. And in menopause and perimenopause, a lot of women start spotting. And so if they're trying not to have sex during their period, it can be kind of hard to, you know, your period gets irregular. I would say the, you know, the two keys that I think, well, three things that I think

menopausal women need to address to optimize just the physiologic aspects of sex. You know, I'm not talking about all the stuff we were talking about emotionally and empowering and all those other things that are as or more important, but, you know, to, to get sexually aroused, you need blood flow and nerve stimulation, basically. And that comes from stimulation to the genitals, you know, emotional stimulation, and blood flow, right? So as the hormones start to diminish, the blood flow diminishes, and that's what actually to the genitals, and that's actually what causes the dryness to happen. So the things that really help are lubricants, obviously, that we've been talking about, becoming friends with a vibrator because you often need added

stimulation in order to reach orgasm because sensation wise, especially as our testosterone declines and even the estrogen that causes the blood flow declines, then it takes longer to get aroused. The sensation is a little less. And so I always tell my over 35 and certainly over 40 women and their partners embrace the little baby vibrator that can fit in between the two of you or a hands-free vibrator that your partner can wear for direct clitoral stimulation either as part of foreplay or during intercourse and it really helps with arousal and orgasm and having simultaneous orgasm for any age obviously but certainly for your over 40s so lubricant added stimulation, lots more foreplay. And, you know, from a hormonal perspective, there have been a

lot of, there's been a lot of controversy, I would say, over the past 20 years about are hormones safe or not safe. There was a big study that came out in the early 2000s, the Women's Health Initiative that put the kibosh on all hormones and they became bad and evil and cancer causing. And most general doctors and gynecologists won't touch them really, other than a few synthetic versions, pharmaceutical versions. But even then they make you sign your life away in case you get cancer. But if you really dig into the research, a lot of that research that they use, you know, that, that caused so much fear is really flawed. I'm not going to get into all the reasons why, but, you know, I'm not an MD, I'm a PhD, but what I do know, having shepherded as many women

through this and going through it myself is that there is a lot to be said for what's called bioidentical hormone therapy. So those are hormones that are still made in a lab, but they are made from natural sources and they can be compounded in a way where you're getting the smallest amount of whatever specific hormones you're lacking, you know, and they slowly titrate up until your symptoms alleviate the dryness. You know, the symptoms of low testosterone would be low desire, difficulty, you know, low sensation in the nipples and genitals, less intense orgasms, less energy, weight gain, and less of sort of a joy in life, you know, mild depression, not depression, depression, but just feeling kind of blah. And the symptoms of low estrogen,

you know, is dryness and arousal issues. And progesterone, a lot of sleep and moodiness, estrogen and testosterone play a role in the moodiness as well. And so bioidentical hormones, if you go to someone who specializes in that, can really alleviate, especially during the menopausal transition. So I think that's something that isn't talked about enough as well. Love being here and love being with all of you and the organic nature by which these conversations unfold. And I think that's really the crux of it, that there's a collective consciousness and we're all struggling with the same thing. We all go through ebbs and flows, no matter what our gender or biology is. We all go through ebbs and flows in our sex lives, in our sexual response, in our

sexual experience. We all have our big T or little t trauma, you know, and it's really about opening the conversation and letting go of that, which holds us back from being authentic and honest, because it's only then that we can start, you know, not until we ask the question, can we find the answer? So hopefully we'll be able to help find the answers and continue to find the answers together, loving and learning to love and be loved better. And I guess we'll see you next week. Thanks for everything. This was great. Baby, you're my rockstar, smashing all my guitars. One day I will charge you for breaking my heart.

You're just like my sport car, driving fast, you go far. When I'm sitting by you, we get high.