Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - The Empath's Survival Guide with Anita Moorjani

Episode Date: April 28, 2021

Have you ever been told you are too sensitive? On today's episode of "The Language of Love," Dr. Laura Berman talks with the incomparable Anita Moorjani, author of "Sensitive is the New Strong” about what it means to be highly sensitive. What careers are best suited for highly sensitive? How can you tell if you are highly sensitive or if your child is?  Dr. Berman and Anita Moorjani also discuss the difference between being an empath and being highly sensitive. Turns out they are not the same thing, and it is very important for people to realize the difference between the two, especially if they suspect that they might have empath qualities.  Although being an empath can be very powerful and very meaningful, it also comes with risks, especially if you aren’t aware of how to harness your empath abilities. Empaths take on the emotions and energy of other people around them, literally experiencing their sorrow and anger and fear as if it is happening to them. So empaths can very easily become ungrounded and lose their connection to their own energetic state and therefore become unable to access their own personal power. And many times empaths struggle with codependency and a need to ‘fix’ other people, believing as Dr. Berman says, “If you need me, you won’t leave me.”  Learn how empaths can tap into their unique strengths without falling prey to these common pitfalls on this special episode of “The Language of Love” with Anita Moorjani…and stay tuned for part two of Dr. Berman’s interview with Moorjani coming soon!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love-sex relationship questions, and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to the show. So I'm super excited to introduce you to really, full disclosure,

what I consider to be one of my dearest soul friend teachers, Anita Moorjani. We're so lucky to have her. She's one of my heroes and one of my heart friends. Say hi, Anita. Hi, audience. And hi, Laura. Oh, my God, you are one of my most beautiful, sweetest friends, too. And so happy that we both live here in LA and Southern California. So I get to see you in person when when the whole COVID thing lived. We've even snuck a few times and done a beach walk or two. And in case you don't know her, you must learn more about Anita Morjani. She's an international speaker and New York Times bestselling author of Dying to Be Me and What If This is Heaven. And just a little background, Anita was born in Singapore to Indian parents, lived in Hong Kong

most of her life. And from the age of two, I always thought this was so fascinating and such a testament to just how smart you are. But basically from the age of two, she grew up speaking English, Cantonese, and Indian dialect simultaneously. Currently lives in Southern California, not too far from me, with her husband of 26 years, Danny, who you call Boo, right? Is that his nickname? Yes, that's his name, Boo. And actually, Anita, we're going to get into this a little bit later, but Anita actually was a runaway bride from an arranged marriage before she met Danny. We'll get into that. And Anita used to work in the corporate world, I guess until you were about your early 40s when you had a cancer diagnosis, a horrible battle with cancer for four

years, and a famous near-death experience that was on the 2nd of February in 2006, and a miraculous full recovery. And that really was the birth of the book Dying to Be Me, which is one of my all-time favorite books and I've actually been revisiting it a lot in recent months since losing my son but it really is about what happened on the other side really a powerful a powerful book and her most recent book which is what I really want to focus on in our conversation is uh just came out Sensitive is the New Strong the Power of Empaths in an Increasingly Harsh World it just was published about a month ago, and I'm so excited to talk to you about this whole, because we hear this term empath, right? And you hear it a lot now. I'm an empath. You're an empath.

I think it's more important than ever before with all the craziness in the world. I consider myself an empath, you know, but I think we need to explain it. I want you to explain in a minute, I think it's really powerful, your description of what an empath is, but also the difference between an empath and a highly sensitive person, because that's an important distinction. But before we do that, just tell me a little bit about what led you to write this book now. So what's behind it is, so there's a few things. The first thing was that it's only in the last few years that I realized that I'm an empath. I had, at the time when I had my near death experience and I came out of it from the other side, I knew I had always been sensitive.

You know, that's just a term that's always used. And it's always used in a way, sort of derogatory. It's like, don't be so sensitive. And even, you know, you brought up the runaway bride thing. I was made to feel that the reason that I ran away from that arranged marriage was because I was too sensitive to handle the challenges. And I was told these are normal things that happen in a marriage and you're just too sensitive. You're just too fragile. You're just, and it was always a negative thing being sensitive. So my whole life, I was brought up believing that it was negative. And this was this thing that I had to overcome and suppress. And it was only in my near-death experience did I realize that I had to embrace all of who I am, everything. And then the book

Dying to Be Me came out and What If This Is Heaven came out. And it was not really only maybe around 2016 or 17 that I started to come across this term empath and I started to look into it and I was like oh wow there's a term for this there's a description and I related to it it was like oh that's me I'm an empath and it gave me a deeper understanding what happened is that so then I started to realize that there are other people in the world that are like that but I also started to realize that not everybody is like that because it clarified for me the parts of me that are different from the parts of me that are different from other people and and it kind of just gave me a definition and it was very liberating and often people say nowadays they say oh you say you're an

empath and you've written a book for empaths but I thought you don't like labeling people I don't consider empath as labeling. A label is something that restricts you and confines you. Whereas discovering I was an empath set me free. It liberated me. So that's the difference between a label and a description that sets you free. I love that. That's a really good definition. And I would agree with you. I mean, I think my first, and we'll get into the definition, so to speak, but my first introduction to the quote unquote empath was with my oldest son, my now 23 year old, when he was a freshman in high school and was just going through such a hard time and was suicidal. and I tried medication and therapists and doctors and treatment and nothing was working. And I finally actually went to a medium psychic just out of desperation. And she said to me, well, she didn't use the word empath, but she said, oh, he's clairsentient. You know, you hear about clairvoyant or clairaudient or whatever. Clairsentient is basically a version of an empath when you feel what other people are feeling. And in his case, which is one of the reasons that

I think this book and these definitions and understanding ourselves this way is so important because for him, and I think for many of us, he didn't know that was happening. So he would feel what other people were feeling. They even misdiagnosed him with Asperger's because the therapist would say, smile at him and say, what am I feeling right now? And he would say sad because he was feeling sadness and she was like oh he can't read social cues you know but what he was happening is he was feeling what other people were feeling and at first he didn't realize those feelings weren't his so he was like an ungrounded electrical cord whipping all over the place and I think it's so valuable for us to understand because it's really like you say in the title

sensitive is the new strong it's really actually an extremely powerful gift yes so the distinction is that an empath actually absorbs the emotions of other people into their own field, into their own energy field, and then they feel it as if it's their own, and then they can't distinguish between other people's emotions and their own emotions. That is the distinction. A highly sensitive person just knows what other people are feeling. They feel what other people are feeling, but they don't absorb it into their own field. There's still a distinction. So for example, a highly sensitive person would make a really good frontline medical worker or a nurse or somebody like that because they know what everybody needs right away. It's like the

person doesn't even have to say it. It's like, oh, I know this is what they need. This is what they're feeling. And they're able to give them exactly what they need to alleviate that discomfort. but an empath will actually take that on in their own field and their own energetic field in their own body and at the end of the day will wonder oh my god why am i feeling all this why am i feeling so sick and they think it's their own and then they go and try and heal it as if it's their own not realizing that actually the healing work they're doing is not going to work because they're not healing trauma of their own. It's someone else's trauma. They've just taken that energy. Yeah, there's nothing to heal. What they have to do is learn how to stop being a sponge and taking

that energy on. They have to learn to distinguish. This is not mine, so I have to let it go. I have to not take it on that's what they have to learn not how to heal this trauma how would you say because i think there's lots of ways to do this and this is one of the things because to me this is your first book where you have ventured into the quote-unquote prescriptive you know you you give really concrete tools and and and techniques in ways you know your other book was more of a journey and an illumination and this is what i've learned and this is what i want to share with you And it was really powerful. But this book does that. And you're giving really specific tools and techniques, which I think is so powerful. So just from that standpoint, you know, and I know you have an empath quiz, right, on your website. So if you want to check it out, go to AnitaMorjani.com. And you can even take the quiz, I'm assuming, and find out if you're an empath. But if you are, and you're taking in these energies and emotions and feelings of other

people, what would you say, you know, some simple, I know there's a lot, there's a whole book you've written on it, but what are a few simple techniques, just as an example to give people a taste of what you can do to kind of separate out other people's stuff you're sponging up from your own? So first of all, I tell people that if you are an empath, you definitely need to spend some time alone and you do need alone time this is a must and it can be like 30 minutes a day or it can be an hour every couple of days or more if you can if you can spare the time and one of the things that I suggest you do with your alone time and is that you can you can listen to music you

can meditate but what I love doing is I love going out in nature nature is a great cleanser so one of the things that I did like I have a little small yard which you can see behind me for a few years it was overgrown with weeds but when while I was at home with COVID it became my project to really clean it up and grow stuff and fix it up and what nature does is it earths you it earths you with the rhythm of the earth and the earth the energy of the earth and the energy of nature is very very pure and clean and so you start to get entrained with that pure energy and you just without having to do anything without having to learn a process or study anything it literally just cleanses your energy and aligns it with the earth it is just the easiest way to cleanse your energy is you know

just go stand on the beach get your feet into the sand stand on grass play in the garden plant plant something, get your hands in the dirt, anything like that, go in the ocean, anything like that will actually cleanse your energy of everything else. Because what it does is it aligns you with the earth energy. It entrains you. I talk about this in my book in quantum love, you know, we're all vibe, everything, everything, including nature is pure vibration. You know, other people were matching each other's vibration. We're finding the happy medium. Some of us are more likely to match other people's versus hold our own frequency. But the thing I love about being out in nature is that it is unchanging. It is not going to match your frequency. It is just

at a high, beautiful, cleansing frequency. And you don't even have to do anything. Your system just automatically, like you said, entrains or matches it. Beautiful advice. I love that. And nature will never compromise its frequency for you. It'll stay at that high vibration. Empaths have a tendency, even unconsciously, even if you're with people you love who might be going through issues and all, we have this tendency to unconsciously match our frequency with the people around us. And we do it without thinking. Nature won't do that.

It's going to stay there. And when we're with nature, we'll slowly find ourselves matching to it. And I think that's, you know, as someone, I think it's also interesting, and I know you write about this and talk about this, that those of us who were born into families where there's been a lot of trauma or a lot, you know, or abuse or addiction or very difficult, you know, times in that from that very early age, we naturally honed our empathy, you know, our intuitive and empathy skills because it was key to our survival. We needed to know when we walked into the house, you know, should I turn around and, you know, walk back out to the playground

or is it safe to go in? How do I keep myself safe here? And so those of us who had the hardest childhoods often are the most empathic. So it's a gift in many ways. And I want to talk about that because it can be a burden. It can make you sick. It can make you depressed if you're taking on everybody else's energy and you aren't doing things and practicing separating your energy from other people, recognizing what's yours and what's theirs and releasing that. So you're not carrying that almost like a sponge squeezing out. What would you suggest when it comes to being an empath that the first step you should be, if you think that, or the first step you should take, if you think that you might be someone like this? So the first step is to

recognize and acknowledge that you are one. So it's to recognize that, oh, wow, all these energies I've taken on and maybe even the times I got sick it was not my own stuff it was because I was taking on other people's stuff so it's to recognize that you have a tendency when you recognize it it's already a huge step the second thing is to to realize that not only you know are you absorbing other people's stuff but you are because of that tendency you tend to attract more of it so here's what happens with impacts you don't even realize that you do this because you feel everybody's energies and emotions unconsciously you need them to feel good so that you can feel good So you have to start being aware that are my relationships codependent? Have I attracted people into my life because they have become dependent on me trying to make them feel good all the time? Are my relationships also based on the fact that I am trying to make everybody feel good?

So these are things where we really have to be very honest with ourselves. We really have to be very honest with ourselves and ask ourselves, are we doing this? Am I doing this with everybody around me? Am I? And so the more that you need people around you to feel good, the more you're going to just keep attracting people who only want to be around you because you make them feel good. Yeah, I call that the broken little bird syndrome. I was one of those two where I looked around on every one of my friends, you know, people that were in my life, I was really attracted to and they were attracted to me, the fixer uppers and the people struggling. And I know that part of that was because I was, I am an empath, but part of it was also from the codependent perspective that I was used to that, you know, I had to bolster my mom and my dad to emotionally take care of my parents so that they could take care of me. that was the only way I could get my needs met. But it also made me feel safe because if my story was, which is totally a ridiculous story, if you need me, you won't leave me. And so it gives this false sense of safety. It was totally unconscious. It wasn't like I set out to do this. But when I finally realized that I changed and I made a conscious decision, I was like, I want to attract in people who are wiser than me, who are more together than I am, who I can learn from, who I don't have to bolster and support like I can't be putting my energy out this much I need some for

myself and it really changed everything in my life when I made that decision but I want to ask you you know in in dying to be me you you talk about your near-death experience but what you know one of the key messages is about how those negative thoughts that we have about ourselves our feelings about ourselves and our fears and actually contribute to the creation of illness. And that's what you learned about your cancer, right? Talk a little bit about how being an empath plays a role in that equation. Yes. So I'm going to share a story about myself, which I didn't go into this depth in the book and dying to be me, but I'll share it now. So I was an empath and didn't realize it. Didn't realize it until a few years ago. So at the time, I was an empath and

needed people around me to feel good. So my best friend was diagnosed with cancer before I was. So we were both healthy, vibrant, young people. And she was the mother of young children. I was married but had no children and we were best friends we were like sisters and then all of a sudden it literally felt like it was out of the blue she was having trouble difficulty breathing she goes to see a doctor they find a tumor in her chest and she was diagnosed with a very very aggressive form of cancer where her chance of survival was only five percent it was like a 95 percent chance of of her dying and the doctors actually told her that and her family they told her family she knew she was going to die and so what happened then was that was that when she

told me for me I just took it on as if it was the news was mine as if I had been told that this was my diagnosis. It just hit me in the gut. And I was like, I could not believe it. And I said to her that we're going to see you through this. You're going to make it. Don't worry. You're going to be that 5%. And I literally stopped my own life to be there for her. That was the kind of person I was. I would take on everybody's stuff. And so as I was going to treatments with her and I was watching her deteriorate and I was feeling the fear she was feeling, I literally, I was feeling everything she was feeling with her. I wasn't able to go out with my friends because I would feel guilty that she's dying how dare I go and have fun and I couldn't like I would try and go shopping to

to clear my head and maybe you know buy some new clothes or something and even trying on clothes wasn't any fun for me it was like like who do I think I am buying clothes while she's there in hospital I just couldn't it was like it was happening I took it all on my own life started falling apart. But every problem that I was facing in my own life, you know, I was feeling my health was deteriorating. I was getting tired, sleepless nights. I wasn't there for my husband, my extended family. My mom lived there as well in Hong Kong, my brother. I wasn't there for anyone else. My life was falling apart, but I wasn't paying attention to it because to me, even when other people wanted me and I would turn them down. It was like, oh, that's not important compared to what she's going

through. And I was getting, you know, my immune system was breaking down. Oh, this is nothing compared to what she's going through. So I undermined everything that I was going through because what she was going through was more important because I needed her to feel good until I got this lump on my neck and so this was going on she was deteriorating for it was going on for over a year so my life is like crumbling I got this lump on my neck and I went and had it I went to the doctor he did a biopsy and he said it was lymphoma they did scans and they said it was stage two so the interesting thing is I was of course very fearful I was scared of cancer because I was watching what was what she was going through but there was a small part of me that said

ah now I get to take care of myself so it was like now I had a reason yeah I was able to say I have cancer too so now I can take care of myself but the interesting thing is even during the process so so she died which of course completely shook me but even during the process of me dealing with my illness um i was still always concerned for other people like if other people put their lives on hold for me um i would feel uncomfortable i wanted to take care of people who were trying to take care of me i always worried that oh don't go out of your way don't go out of your way to do that and it was literally only when i died did i realize that you don't need an excuse or a reason to take care of yourself. And empaths have a tendency to have that pattern

that I just spoke about. Even when I was on the other side, you know, I didn't know anything about being an empath. But the thing is that I questioned when I was on the other side, I was in the state of clarity. And I wanted to know, why was it that, you know, because I realized that I had not loved myself enough that I didn't need a reason to take care of myself but I wanted to know why did I get such a drastic wake-up call as end-stage cancer and dying from cancer why did I need such a drastic wake-up call and the answer that came to me was that all the other wake-up calls were not good enough and you needed a wake-up call that so in other words your friend's terminal cancer was more important to you than anything so you needed an equal diagnosis an equal thing happened to you

to make you realize that no you got to take care of you first if you want to be there for everyone else and that really changed everything for you obviously you came back you had a complete miraculous recovery and it's been one of the lessons obviously you've carried forward and now taken to this new level and one of the things you know and by the way I talk about this too when my mother was dying of what was ultimately breast cancer I was basically doing what you did with your friend and within a year of her dying I had breast cancer in the same breast she had it but you know one of the things that you talk about and you write about I mean I know your story because you've told it to me personally you know as my friend but you talk about it in this book as well

um i i think in in the chapter where you talk about breaking through gender norms and the runaway bride you left this arranged marriage or before you got married you stopped the arranged marriage and and this was before you met and married your husband of what 26 years i think but this whole idea of just being unapologetically authentic and that was a great example of your willingness to buck the system and not be the good girl and not toe the line. What advice would you give to all of us, but especially the empaths out there for whom other people being okay is so important? What do we do when you're scared to really step into your authenticity? So I would say that you need to check in with yourself and remember that basically

one of the things I speak about in the book is that we are actually energy beings much more we are six sensory beings we're not five sensory beings we are six sensory beings there is an unseen sense there is an energy about you that other people are picking up on and this is why for empaths it's super important you are actually more connected than people who are not empaths if you are a psychic, a clairvoyant and so on, chances are you are an empath. Empaths are super connected. And so what I would say is that remember that, remember that you have this sixth sense and you have to tune in and say, okay, am I honoring myself? Am I loving myself? Am I doing something that feels good for myself? And if it's a no, then that means you are not embracing

yourself unapologetically you need to get to a place where you do feel that you are honoring yourself because what happens is when you are authentic as an empath when you are authentic and when you can embrace all of who you are then what happens is that you actually um your energy expands and you impact people around you you make other people feel good just by your presence an empath's desire is to make other people feel good but the mistake we make is that we do it by wearing ourselves down the key that i'm trying to show people in this book is that there is a way to make other people feel good by making yourself feel good. And yes, and that's what I teach is that you make yourself feel good. You emanate this energy where other people become entrained by

your energy field, the same way you become entrained by nature. This is the way to uplift other people. I think that's beautifully said and so true. And, you know, we tell ourselves we're being selfish or we don't want to hurt other people with our authenticity or we'll be rejected if we're our most authentic selves. And I think it's such an important message and such an important lesson that actually, yeah, you might, you know, some people who just start a much lower frequency than you or who, you know, have their own issues, it's not to say that you won't impact people or they may take issue with you, but those aren't your problem. What you'll find when you really step into your true self is that you're like a magnet for other beautiful people.

Yes. And I, and I want to add one more thing is that empaths very often can't distinguish the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. And so I want to actually differentiate that for empaths. When empaths are being assertive in their heads, they think they're being aggressive. so here's the difference aggressive people want to control you and they they want you to they want to control you because it serves their life assertive people want to take their own power back and control their own life they have no interest in controlling other people but they just want control over their own life passive people allow other people to control their lives so basically so if it's a scale and you've got passive at one end aggressive at the other end

healthy is in the middle and that's being assertive it's about just taking control of your own life and allowing other people their own authenticity and their own autonomy over their lives you have no interest in controlling their life but many but very often empaths actually believe that even taking their own control back from other people is being aggressive Remember, ask yourself this. Are you trying to control their life or just your own? If it's just your own, then you have the right over your life. If they are trying to take control of your life and that's why you're feeling uncomfortable,

remember, it's them that's being aggressive, not you. By being assertive. I love that distinction. Thank you so much. Thank you for writing this book. Thank you for all of your teaching. definitely check out the book sensitive is the news strong and you can learn more also you can follow anita right at anita morjani and morjani is spelled m-o-o-r-j-a-n-i so at anita morjani

if you go to anita morjani.com you can find the empath quiz see if you're an empath definitely read the book and i always recommend to people anita that they listen if you can like on audible listen to your books did you read this book too as you can tell she has the most beautiful voice and accent and i've both read and listened to dying to be me and i highly recommend listening to to your books as well because you have a really beautiful voice oh wow thank you i love you to pieces and um anything you want to say as we end i've said i've said what i i think what i need to say except that I want to say that I love you as well and I miss you and uh yeah and uh and I want to thank the audience for listening in um and remember being an empath is a gift it is a gift

truly not a not a burden or a curse when you know how to use it amen to that thank you and uh make sure that you subscribe to the podcast if you like it the language of love you can always reach out to me on drlauraberman.com. You can find the links right there to ask email questions or voicemail questions. And I will see you next time on the language of love. For a crush All I wanna do, I wanna do Is take you home with me I wanna make a move, I wanna make a move

But I'm too shy I can't fall asleep without Your arms around me I guess I'm falling in love Baby, you're my love Thank you.