Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - The Journey to Self-Love & Self-Discovery Through Creative Expression with IN-Q

Episode Date: March 15, 2023

Songwriter, poet, speaker, and bestselling author IN-Q is joining me on this week’s Language of Love Conversation to discuss the process of self-exploration through art and the journey to transformation and self-love. Through Inquire Within, his recent book, he shares the role that poetry has played in his life as he’s walked through a life of grief, joy, fear, love, and everything in between.  In this Conversation, we unpack:  How to move beyond fear to fully express our authentic selves  Ways art can be a path to self discovery  The fact that everyone is a poet of some sort and how to begin your own creative expression  When you know your own creative expression is complete  Visit IN-Q’s website, follow him on Instagram, and check out his book, Inquire Within, for more information on his story as an artist and the storytelling workshops that he holds for individuals around the globe.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. At the end of this episode, I'm going to share with you the number one thing I have found that

predicts for kids getting through divorce successfully. So stay tuned for that. How to effectively co-parent your children after divorce. I get so many questions from you about this and a listener called in just recently and asked me about this. By the way, if you ever have questions that you want me to tackle here, I am always ready for you. Just mention it in the comments section or go to drlauraberman.com where you can ask me questions as well. So this person was saying that they just recently got divorced and they're worried about their kids, which is obviously one of the number one concerns that divorced parents or divorcing parents struggle with. So in this video, I'm going to share with you some of the keys that I think

make for successful co-parenting after divorce, at the end of this video, I'm going to be giving you my number one thing that I have found best predicts for how children are going to do through divorce. Okay. So the keys that you're going to be, or the struggles, let's talk about the struggles that most people report to me after divorce, when they're going through the co-parenting challenging. Once you're, you know, figured out the custody agreement, it's still tough, right? There's lots of ways that families organize custody, but no matter how you design it, even when it's the kind of custody where the parents are the ones coming in and out of the house and not the children moving houses, it's an upheaval. Each transition is an upheaval for the children.

And that's okay. Pretending it's not is where there's a problem. So the main thing is to acknowledge that this is an upheaval and to make it as easy as possible. So if it is possible to have school supplies in each location, if it's possible, maybe you can even talk to the school about getting a second copy of textbooks so that each parent can have a copy at home. Now it's a lot easier because so many textbooks are digital and if the kid has some digital device with them, they're traveling with their textbook, but some schools don't have that. So make sure they have their toiletries and their clothes and that they have supplies in each home and that they also have items of comfort in each home that are already there. So the kid and you don't have to remember

as they go back and forth about what to pack. It's really important to talk to your children, ideally before the divorce is happening, right? When you've decided to get a divorce and helping them understand that your primary goal is to do as much as possible to make this as smooth as possible for them and really hitting home to them that none of this has to do with them because children are narcissistic and they will automatically assume that the divorce is happening because of something they've done or haven't done or they're too much of something or too little of something. So to overtly, and not just once, time and time again, to without them asking, reassure them that there is nothing you could have done to change this. This has nothing to

do with you. This has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. This is between me and mom or dad. It has nothing to do with you. And we both love you so much. And it just is between the two of us. And we know this is an upheaval for you. And if there was any way we could have avoided this, we would have. And we're just going to do our very best to make this as comfortable as possible. And we so appreciate that this is hard for you and it's okay for it to be hard. And it's okay to talk about it being hard. A lot of parents sort of try to pretend that everything's perfect. Obviously your kid wants you to be happy and stable. I'm not saying that you sit around the couch crying 24-7 in front of them, but to allow them to acknowledge the frustration and upset that

this is causing is healthy for them. And understand it's a process of adjustment and you have to also keep them out of your problems, right? Let the kids be the kids. So if you're struggling or exhausted, if they aren't bringing up their concerns, you don't share your concerns. I see this happen so often in divorcing couples that when you no longer have that spouse or if you're estranged from your spouse and now you're going through divorce and you haven't gotten into a new relationship necessarily, one of two things happen, okay? And they're both equally damaging. One is that you start to confide in your kids, which you should not do. That is creating parentified children. Your children are not here to be your emotional comfort. You are here to be

their emotional comfort. The other big, big mistake that people don't think about, which really blows my mind, is how they talk to their friends and their family about the other partner and about the divorce and about the trials and tribulations of the divorce in front of their child as if their kid can't hear. Like, what is going on with that? And by the way, children as early as one, two, three years old, they may not understand the exact content of what you're saying, but they hear their father's name. They hear you're upset. They hear your frustration. They're being exposed to your chaos. And they're not idiots. Children are so smart and so intuitive. So do not talk about this stuff with them present. And I see this happen so often. You're in the car,

the kids are in the back seat, maybe sometimes even as old as five, six, seven, where they really can understand what you're saying because they're quiet in the back seat doesn't mean they're not listening to every word you are saying. Or just because they're sitting at the kitchen table eating their snack and you're next to them in the living area where they can still hear you, they are listening. They are picking up everything. So don't think they're not and save them from that. support the other parent's role with your children. So it may be frustrating, but you are going to have to find a way, and this is the biggest co-parenting challenge, is if you both have different parenting styles, right? So one of you is really invested in the children eating

healthy, and the other parent, that's not a priority for them. So every time the kids are with them, they come home full of ice cream and cookies, cakes, and candies, and you don't want them to have that, right? Or maybe one parent lets them watch a lot more TV than you let them watch or use a lot more media than you want them to watch or vice versa. There needs to be some leeway because probably part of the reason you got divorced is because you really have a hard time finding a way to get on the same page in lots of areas in your life. And my guess is co-parenting is going to be one of those struggles. As most of you know, for the past several years,

I've been on a pretty intense grief journey and it's been a path of healing. I've shared lots of that healing with you and lots of the healing resources that I found. And I am so thrilled to announce that I am doing my first ever retreat for grieving mamas. So if you or someone you love is a mama who has lost a child in any way, at any stage, at any age,

I would love for you to come join me at 1440 Multiversity in the Redwoods near Santa Cruz, California for four amazing days of beautiful, uplifting community and healing. We've got David Kessler, we've got Paul Selig, we've got Catherine Woodward Thomas, we've got me, we've got body work, we've got organic food, beautiful rooms.

Go to 1440.org, check it out. It's right there on the homepage. I really hope you can join us. So you are going to have to lower the bar of the level of control that you have over your children and focus on the long game. Your children can learn that when they're with you, this is how it goes. When they're with the other parent, this is how it goes, right? And they can start, they will work that a little bit, you know, obviously they're kids

and they're smart. So they're going to do that. But you can't control what your co-parent does. You can try to get on the same page and you should get on the same page with as much as you can around schoolwork being a priority, around medical care being a priority, around getting them to counseling or therapy if that kind of support is needed, around parent-teacher conferences, around discipline about the big things like those things you really need to be a united front but you're also going to have to let a lot of the smaller things or maybe prioritize what's most important and really pick your battles because you're going to drive yourself crazy trying to control what the other parent is doing keep those communication channels open do not

use your children as the go-between, okay? So if you can't talk to your ex without arguing, get into a system of texting or emailing. Keep it very matter-of-fact, but keep the communication lines open. Your children's job is not to be the one that communicates for you with your ex. That is a recipe for toxic parentified children. And that's honestly one of the greatest risks that I see for divorcing families is that the child has to take on way too much emotional and literal responsibility for themselves that is too great of a burden. And kids need to be allowed to be kids even through divorce. Now, you ready for the number one thing that I think is the most, most, most important predictor of how kids are going to do through separation and

divorce. It is how peaceful they feel like the relationship between you and the other parent is. So that means you do not say one disparaging word about their other parent. You do not criticize them. You do not name call. You do not talk negatively about them. Why? Well, there's two key reasons. Number one, that child sees themselves as coming from both of you. So when you are talking about how their other parent has these major character flaws or personality issues or is a horrible person or is whatever, you know, fill in the blank, the child experiences that as, okay, well, if mom or dad are that thing, then I must be that thing too. And they actually internalize the criticism you're making of the other parent as being part of them as well. Now,

if you say to them, you're not like your mom or dad who is X, Y, or Z, that's not going to solve it either because then they feel like they have to be unlike their other parent or separate from that other parent in order to be worthy of your love. And your child always needs to know whether you're divorcing or not, that they are unconditionally loved. There is nothing they could do or not do that will change how worthy of your love they are, okay? Now, the second reason it's really damaging to talk negatively about your ex is because your child, whether you intend them to or not, starts to feel like they have to take sides. And either they have to separate from and demonize the other parent in order to have your love, or they have to lose your love if they want

to stay in relationship with the other parent. Even without you saying that, if you are consistently criticizing and negative about their other parent, that is where their minds are going to go. And in my experience, the number one predictor of what's going to determine how well your kids move through divorce, it's not the divorce itself. In fact, children want their parents to be happy. They want to have a model of what a loving relationship looks like. And if you and their other parent can't do that for them and you are so unhappy, they want you to be free of that relationship and to find another relationship in the long run. I mean, obviously, they don't want the upheaval, but it's better for them if you do that.

But the key to them doing well is the peaceful and healthy co-parenting relationship that both their parents have through the divorce process and beyond. So the more you can work on that, whether it means going to family counseling, couples divorce counseling, whatever is needed, you do that and you keep your mouth shut in front of your child, around your child, and to your child about the other person, even when you think it's deserved because of the reasons I said. If you can do that, that's half the battle or more in helping your child get through divorce, not only intact, but surviving and thriving through it as all of you should in an ideal world. Because let's face it, some relationships just aren't meant to last forever

and are toxic and are not serving anyone, including the kids. But grace, patience, and healthy communication is more important than ever when it comes to your kids and helping them move through divorce in a healthy way. Thank you so much for listening. I love being with you. I love your questions. So keep them coming. You can always go to languageoflovepod.com and there you will find a way to leave me voicemails as well as email questions that I can always answer because you know me, I'm here to help you learn to love and be loved better.