Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - The Most Powerful Skill You Can Learn For Your Relationship

Episode Date: August 19, 2024

There’s an art to listening to your partner in a way that will change everything in the energy between you.    In this Language of Love Bite, I dive into why listening matters so much in relationships. Truly listening—without interrupting or planning your next witty comeback— can work wonders for intimacy and trust. In addition to advice and guidance on the art of listening, I share some of my own story as I used to be a terrible listener, always thinking of my return argument, instead of really tuning in. That is until I tried this one quirky hack. Tune in to find out what it is! Remember to visit my website and explore my free Quantum Sex course—an opportunity to elevate your intimacy to the next level! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. I am going to share with you the most powerful thing you can do for your relationship. I'm going to tell you this secret that I learned even sharing some of my own personal experience here.

But how can I build more intimacy and trust in my relationships is one of the most common things that I get asked. And of course, there's lots you can do. And I have lots of videos on how to keep the sexual chemistry going. That's a huge part of sustaining a healthy relationship and good communication and good quality time together and learning to fight effectively. But there is one thing that so few people talk about that is so powerful in love. And it actually personally took me a really long time to learn. It's the art of listening. Now, hear me out. No pun intended. I said listening, but hear me out. Because how often, this is a question for you, do you really listen without judgment, with only curiosity? I mean, usually you're judging the person or we

are judging the person we're listening to, either something they're saying or even something like the way they're holding themselves. We have this like ongoing conversation in our head. It's usually reflected by what we judge in ourselves, but there's some judgment going on. Or we'll be listening to someone and thinking about how we're going to respond or what we want to say, right? Or if we're having a conversation and they're upset with us, and this used to happen with my husband all the time, he'd be talking to me about something. And instead of just listening with open heart and curiosity, I'd be thinking, no, I didn't say that. I'm going to tell him that that wasn't the circle. Then that's not what I meant. And right. We're listening to respond rather than

listening. And we all want to be heard, right? That's important. And we have to think about how we want to respond. But the other thing that we tend to do is make conclusions about what they're saying. Oh, I'm dating some woman and she says she loves to travel. Well, she must just expect some sugar daddy or she must not really want to settle down, right? We make these assumptions based on our fears or concerns or insecurities that we project on people based on what they're saying. So as a therapist, I was a great listener to my clients, but not necessarily a great listener in my relationship with my husband, where the emotional stakes felt pretty high. And I'll tell you what happened that actually woke me up to this.

hey it's dr laura berman i've been a sex love and relationship therapist for over 30 years and the main question i always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship well if you want to take your love life your sex life to the next level whether you're in a relationship or not check out my free course on quantum sex it's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think.

I started experimenting with pulling coconut oil. Now, I don't know if you're familiar with this. It's a health practice where you put coconut oil in your mouth and you swish it around for like 20 minutes. Now it makes your teeth whiter. It's an amazing detox. It's really good for you. People swear by it in the ayurvedic circles and in the wellness circles. I decided to try it. The first time I tried it, I said to my husband, okay, I'm going to pull coconut oil right now. I put the coconut oil in my mouth and swished for 20 minutes. And I was sitting with him and he just started talking and he talked and talked and talked. I could not respond because I was swishing my coconut oil. It went on for 20 minutes straight where he just talked. And this is not a man that talks that

much. And I was just listening because I couldn't talk. I definitely had some thoughts, but I couldn't talk. And at the end of it, he said to me, oh my God, I love that. I have never talked so much and not been interrupted. That was amazing. And I was astounded sitting there at how much I interrupt and talk back or give some perspective or argue with his point of view or whatever else, or listen to respond. And so it started this new practice within me and even between us of just conscious listening, listening with an open mind, without planning a response, with an open heart, curious, open heart, like full presence of what is this person saying to me? What not in rushing to interpretation or judgment or response, but just really letting it land.

What are they saying to me? What is the feeling and the thoughts and words that are being communicate to me. Let me just receive this without responding or having any thoughts. And then you can take a beat. And if you do want to respond, you respond back. But I encourage you to try it because I think you will be astounded by the results. And you will also learn all sorts of new and interesting things about your partner. Now, with your kids, you often have to probe and ask questions to a certain point. But with your partner, even practicing, and I now do this all the time with my husband and encourage my clients to, even if it's just taking turns for 10 minutes and you make a commitment, I'm not going to say a word for 10 minutes. Just talk. Say whatever you

want, whatever comes to mind, stream of consciousness for 10 minutes. You will be astounded at what you learn about each other as a result. So let me know how it goes and let me know if there's a topic you want to hear about. I'm always here helping you learn to love and be loved better. If you like this episode, make sure to follow and let me know if there's a topic you want to hear about on the Language of Love. you