Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - The Naked Truth

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

In this Language of Love Bite, I'm going there. We are talking about the impact of pornography on our love lives.  One of the main concerns I discuss in this episode is the accessibility of porn to young people. With the internet being so readily available, it's easier than ever for children and teens to stumble upon explicit content. It turns out that newer research is demonstrating porn can have a profound long-term effect on the developing brain, impacting one’s ability to get aroused without using it. Another issue we are covering is the addictive nature of porn. It's not uncommon for individuals to become hooked on watching porn, spending hours upon hours consuming it.  We also get into the ways porn is being misused as a poor form of sex education, setting couples back who have a skewed perception of what pleasurable sex looks and feels like. This can lead to a distorted view of what constitutes a healthy sexual relationship, as porn often portrays unrealistic scenarios and expectations. I’m also sharing: Why porn is not all bad, and how it can be used in a healthy way  The digital distortion of porn and how it affects how your brain perceives what it sees How porn can negatively affect your dopamine levels The misrepresentation of sexual relationships by porn The pressure on women to engage in activities influenced by porn Why porn is not a substitute for intimacy If you or someone you know is struggling with the impact of porn on their relationship, I encourage you to seek professional help — a therapist who specializes in sex addiction can provide guidance and support in navigating these complex issues.  Also, if you’re looking to heighten the intensity and connection in your sex life, don’t forget to check out my Seven Days to Better Sex program! Visit my website to explore my range of books and courses on love, sex, and relationships, and be sure to tune in regularly to the Language of Love podcast for thought-provoking discussions and invaluable advice aimed at helping you love and be loved better. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. okay so here's what I really think about porn I get asked this all the time what I think about

porn how I feel about porn okay here's the deal I'm not like an anti-porn girl I think whatever you want to do in your sexual life as long as it's consensual and doesn't hurt anyone seriously, right, and they're consenting to it, then it's fine, right? Do whatever you want to do. I think there is a place for porn in a healthy relationship if used in a healthy way. But here's what I see happening that is not healthy. First of all, it's really been in the past five to 10 years only that porn has become so hugely and easily available in mass, not only to adults, but to children and adolescents. And we don't even fully understand yet. We are just starting to understand the effects of watching porn on young minds. I can

tell you in my practice as a sex therapist and my sex therapy part of my practice, I see a lot of men now who are in their 20s and struggling with sexual response in a real relationship because they have come of age sexually with porn. Now, here's the tricky thing that we're now starting to understand about porn because it wasn't as hugely available before and also it wasn't available digitally. Because here's what we know, and this is kind of wild, but when you watch something on the computer or even on the television, your brain is processing it as if it were 2D, not 3D. So your brain is processing what you're seeing as if it's a two-dimensional object, not a human being. So when you are accidentally conditioning yourself to sexually

respond to porn, you are accidentally conditioning yourself to sexually respond to a 2D concept versus a 3D concept. And this is why scientists believe that when you start then to make a transition to a live 3D person, the body isn't computing that this is sexually arousing. The other thing that is particularly dangerous about porn use, and this is why it becomes compulsive and or addictive, is that when you watch it, it stimulates the dopamine center of your brain. Now, the dopamine centers are the addiction centers. There's the same part of the brain that light up when you do cocaine. And what happens just like with cocaine is your brain gets used to that dopamine, then it wants more and more and more. And that is why people who start

watching porn and are watching a lot of it, their brain is getting used to and their body is getting used to the wash of dopamine that comes through when they watch it. And then they need more and more and more. And so they watch more and more and more and they start watching more and more and more trying, you know, they start craving something. They stop getting aroused. Basically, they get desensitized to whatever they were watching. So now they up it. Now they're going to bring in choking or animals or something else, right? Something a little kinkier and a little kinkier and a little kinkier so that they can get that dopamine rush. And then it becomes this compulsive instinct that they don't even mean to be having because their system is craving the

dopamine rush. All right. The other reason that porn can be dangerous, in particular for young minds, but also for adults, is that it is the crappiest sex education on the planet because it is geared toward men. So when you are looking at heterosexual porn, there is almost nothing in those videos that replicates what is actually arousing physiologically to a woman in real life, right? So if you watch porn of a man and a woman having some sort of sexual act, he barely touches her and she writhes and moans in orgasm, right? Or he gives her a pearl necklace and she, her head almost explodes with pleasure, right? There's no foreplay. There's no clitoral stimulation that isn't about something that is really racy and really intense. When in

reality for most women, what turns them on is sensuality, a slow build, lots of foreplay. And yeah, all that other fun kinky stuff can be fun and women do like that, but that's like more of the icing on the cake, not the main act that's going to really get her to arousal and orgasm. So if you are getting your sex education from porn about what women really want sexually, you are not in the right place. And I am noticing a larger and larger population of young women who are watching porn because they are convinced that that is the way they need to respond to get a man to want them. So for instance, let's just take choking. That is something that's become really, really prevalent. So you have a whole population of men who need that more and more

dopamine. So now they're watching the choking videos and because the choking videos are really popular because they're a really, they're kind of a next level once you've moved through and you've gotten dopamine and sensitivity to the kind of more run of the mill porn, you up it usually to a little BDSM, little bondage, dominant submission, and you get into the choking. And then I see these women who are not at all interested in choking, but because that's what they see that men are watching, they're like, oh, I better ask to be choked. So I'm hearing from all these women that don't want this at all and actually think that that's what they're supposed to be asking for or encouraging or doing because that's what men are watching are porn. So it's not

just boys and men that are getting a false sex education through porn. It's women as well. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage,

the quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. And so if you're in a loving relationship where sex is working and it's something erotic or playful or thinking outside the box, you guys want to watch some porn or act out something that you see in a porn video, go for it. Enjoy it. There's nothing wrong with porn when used occasionally and intentionally, but not when used as your primary sexual outlet or as a crutch or as a compulsion and not when used as sex education. And the final thing I'll say, and I want to be really careful with this, is that you hear from a lot of feminists about how all porn is evil and how it exploits young women. And in many ways that is true, but I by no means

think that every woman who is in a porn movie or in a porn video is somehow a sex slave or unempowered or a victim. Okay. There are plenty of women who really enjoy what they're doing. They're making their own home videos and putting them on a porn hub or wherever. But I would agree that the majority of the time, not all the time, but the majority of the time, The women that are in deep in the porn industry did not enter it by choice, do not feel like they have recourse to do anything else and aren't really enjoying themselves. And so I only say that as a caveat. So when my boys were younger, and this was as early as nine or 10, because I knew they

were being exposed to digital porn, I talked to them about all of this, including the fact that most of the women that they were seeing in these films were not necessarily there by choice. They maybe were choosing to be there, but they didn't really feel like they had that choice to make a different one. And I think that is an important part of understanding porn and the decisions you make around how to use it. So long story short, by no means is porn all evil. By no means should it be banned, but we do want to use it consciously, carefully, and with conscious intention. And don't let it replace your sex life. That's when you know that you have a problem with addiction, is when you can't stop watching, when you are compulsively watching, and or when it

takes the place of intimacy with a real person. I hope that gives you some guidance on how to look at porn. That's my take on it. If you want my take on any other topic, you just let me know in the comments. I always want to hear from you. Always here to help you learn to love and be loved better.