Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - The Silent Stigma: Herpes and the Fear of Disclosure

Episode Date: February 19, 2025

For far too long, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) have carried a heavy weight of stigma—whispers behind closed doors, silent fears, and the crushing anxiety of disclosure and the rejection that might follow. Many people would rather avoid dating altogether than face the possibility of judgment. But should a diagnosis really hold that much power over your life? Should it define your worth, your relationships, or your future? In this Language of Love Session, I’m responding to an email from Claire, a listener who recently received a herpes diagnosis. Claire’s feeling overwhelmed by shame and fear about her dating future. She’s worried she’ll never find love and is unsure how to share her diagnosis with potential partners. Here’s the truth: A herpes diagnosis does NOT make you undateable. In fact, 1 in 4 people have herpes, and 80% of them don’t even know it! The stigma around STDs, especially herpes, creates unnecessary shame. But at the end of the day, herpes is just a manageable skin condition—one that can be effectively treated with medication. In this episode, I dive into: The prevalence of herpes and why the stigma needs to end Why herpes doesn’t define you: You are so much more than your diagnosis, and the right person will see that. How to manage outbreaks and reduce transmission risk The best way to disclose your diagnosis to a potential partner If you need any help or advice, you can email me at [e-mail] and you can also get a chance to join me on Zoom for a one-on-one session. I’d love to hear from you! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Okay, we got an email from Claire. She says, Dr. Berman, I just got what feels like the worst

news. I was diagnosed with herpes. I feel so awful about it. Absolutely mortified. I'm single and ready to settle down and want nothing more than to find someone to spend my life with. However, now I'm worried I'll be alone forever because of this diagnosis. I casually date quite frequently, but since my diagnosis, I've literally been afraid to leave my house. I feel so much shame, let alone go on a date. How do I tell potential partners about this? I don't want it to be too soon and freak them out, but I don't want to wait too long either. Is this going to make me undateable. No, Claire, it is not going to make you undateable. And it breaks my heart that you are doing, you know, feeling this way and doing this to yourself. And you're not alone because

there is a lot of unnecessary shame around STDs in general, including herpes. And of course, because herpes, there are things that can manage it, which we'll talk about in a minute. It's not like chlamydia or gonorrhea, where you can take some antibiotics and it goes away for good. Herpes is something that can keep coming back. So it is a virus that remains in your system and under periods of stress, emotional or physical stress, or even related to diet or immune issues, you can have outbreaks. Some people have no outbreaks after their first one for the rest of their lives. Others have outbreaks frequently, once a month. Others have them once every several years, everyone's different. But here's the most important thing, and we'll talk about how to

manage it and keep those outbreaks at bay in a second. But what I want you to know, which is to me the most important, is that one in four, 25% of people, at least, and it's probably more than that, but 25% of people have herpes. And 80% of them, 80% of the people who have it don't even know they have it. Okay. It is so prevalent and it often goes misdiagnosed or not diagnosed because people think they just got a little chafed or they just have a little irritation and they don't get it checked out. So it's really common and it's something that we put so much shame around, but it is a freaking skin condition. That's all it is. And it's an occasional skin condition it. And you can manage the outbreaks and even how transmissible that skin condition is. The only

time that it really can make a difference is if you are having vaginal childbirth. And in that case, if you are in an active outbreak or have a new outbreak, normally they will want to do a C-section. But even there are many people out there who have the doctor will recommend if you're not having an outbreak, we can still even do a vaginal delivery. You have to talk to your doctor about that. And I know you're not at the point of even thinking about kids per se or having a kid, but that's really the main issue with herpes. Otherwise, it's an uncomfortable skin condition. And there are lots of medications out there. Valtrex is one of them, but there are others as well that will manage not only your outbreaks. So if you're someone who gets a lot of outbreaks,

then you could be taking Valtrex every day and avoid them that way. Or you can take them at the first tingle where usually someone will get itching or tingling as they're about to get an outbreak, and it will either stop the outbreak or minimize the length of the outbreak. And in terms of giving it to someone else, you have to have something that's called viral shedding, which means that some of the virus actively is there and gets onto the other person. It's very hard to transmit herpes, although it can happen in between outbreaks where there are no lesions, no blisters, no nothing. It's not easy to transmit herpes. And it's actually much easier for women to contract than men. Not that men can't as well, but just the way our anatomy is. So being aware

of the medications and talking to your doctor about medications, those medications will reduce viral shedding as well. But chances are the guys or the women or whoever it is that you're going to be dating also have herpes or loved someone who have herpes. That's what I find time and time again with people that they're worried about sharing it. And it turns out it's either no big deal or the other person has it too. Most of us have no idea how to move through loss. There's no roadmap to follow when you're trying to navigate grief. And I realized this when I lost my son three years ago. As a therapist who understood grief, a whole new level of pain opened up to me when I lost my 16-year-old son. And since then, I have been building resources

that have allowed me to navigate through loss, not only in a healthy way, but in a way that has transformed me for the better. We can move through the most terrible loss with grace. And that's why I have created the course, Good Grief, Healing from Loss with Love. You can find it on my website, drlauraberman.com, right there on the homepage, as well as free resources letting you know how to support others who are going through loss. None of us has to do this alone. So we've said, we've explained what it is. You can manage it with medication. You can manage your symptoms with medication. Now, how do you handle it in your dating life? How do you share the information? This isn't something that you want to share on the first date, obviously. But

as soon as you know that you're attracted to this person and that you may want to be intimate with them, so you don't get intimate on the first date, especially if you're looking for a monogamous relationship. I don't think anyone should. I mean, not that there's a hard and fast rule and there's no way you're going to have a monogamous relationship if you do it on the first date, but your chances are much better if you really get to know someone and you don't have sex with someone until you both feel like you're really only interested in dating each other for the foreseeable future and you want to see where this goes. And I would say that from the beginning. So here's what I would recommend if you both want a monogamous relationship and to manage the herpes thing is

that you go on a few dates, maybe you make out with them or whatever, but you see that there's some attraction. And on the second or third date, when it's clear there's some attraction, you say, listen, I just want to talk to you about something. I make it a habit that if there's someone I'm dating who I'm attracted to and I feel some physical attraction to, and I would put you in that category, I just want to make clear a couple of things. First of all, I don't have sex with people until I'm clear that both of us really want to just pursue each other, not that we have to be ready for marriage or moving in together or major commitment, but that for the foreseeable future, we're only having sex with each other. And if that changes or wants to be changed,

that we tell each other about it. So I don't really have sex in a relationship until I'm at that point, just to make that clear. And the other thing is that I, you know, I don't have sex until we've talked about our STDs history. So I don't know if you've ever been tested, but, you know, I thought we could talk about that because I have, and I was diagnosed with herpes. Here's how I'm managing it. I don't really get outbreaks or I get outbreaks this often, and this is how I deal with it. And I'm wondering what your history is, or you can ask them their history, you know, have you been tested for sexually transmitted diseases? Do you have any? And if they, you know, you can say, I'll tell you, we can talk about it. Right. So I think that's something you

don't have to have that conversation at the same time about only having sex with each other and about the STDs, but you just say it when you say it really matter of factly, without shame, without apology, it's a skin condition that you manage. And by the way, if they get that skin condition, which there's a one in four chance they already have, it's not going to be the end of the world for them either. There are so many great ways to medically manage this. So it is not at all the death sentence to your love life that you are making it. And you do not deserve nor need to feel the shame that you're feeling about this diagnosis. So when you share it, you share what the diagnosis is, how often you get outbreaks and how you manage them and how you manage

avoiding giving it to anyone else. Remembering that if they have an issue with it, and I can tell you from all the people I speak to in this arena that more often than not, the person doesn't have an issue with it, or they're not that worried about it, or they have an STD themselves. So don't worry, okay? You can talk this through. Now, the one thing I'll say is that if you are dating someone with herpes who also has herpes, just be aware there are different strains. There's SHV1, SHV2.

There are different strains within that. So don't just assume that if you both have herpes, you can go to town because you're already both infected unless you want to be prepared to get another strain of the virus in addition to yours. So you still want to treat contraction with care. You want to be careful when you're in an active outbreak or when an outbreak is coming not to expose each other, even if you both have it. But my guess is you're going to find a much more positive outcome when you share this with people than you think. And it is good to share not in the very, very beginning, but relatively soon so that you

know and that you don't get too invested and or too scared to share it with them, right? And just know that if someone has a problem with it, that, okay, they have a problem with it, but bye, they probably are someone who isn't for you anyway, because they aren't flexible, they aren't open-minded, they aren't forgiving, they're judgmental, any number of things. So you probably dodged a bullet. Someone who is really worth your time and who's open-minded and loving and caring and thinks with an open mind and an open heart probably is not going to have the issue with

this that you're imagining. So I hope that gives you a place to start. And just remember, you have so much more to offer. Thank your STD. Don't be afraid of speaking the truth, okay? Because when we bring that which is hidden into the light, that's when shame disappears and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you have a question, you can always call into the show. You can come in on Zoom and we can talk face to face or you can email. So just reach out to me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com and let me know your question and we'll try to get you on the show. I'll see you next time i went to the doctor said i'm crazy for your love