Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - The Trouble with Faking It

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

Have you ever faked the “Big O?” If so, you aren’t alone! Studies have shown that the majority of women, and even a large proportion of men have faked it…regularly! But, even if it’s a “mercy fake” (because your partner is trying so hard and you know it’s just not happening but you don’t want to make them feel bad) is it really a good idea ? What happens when you find out that your partner has been faking? What kind of fracture does that create and how do you repair that? And what happens if you’ve been the one faking it, but you’re now tired of not receiving the pleasure you desire.  How to let your partner know the truth?  Finally,  what’s standing in the way of your “Big O” pleasure and how can you have more of them?   I’m answering these questions and many other juicy ones on this episode of Language of Love Bite!  Resources and Links Dr. Laura Berman Language of Love Podcast Laura Berman Instagram – Dr Laura Berman Facebook – Dr Laura Berman Youtube.com – Dr Laura Berman  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Really common question. I get from you is about faking orgasms. I hate to break it to you guys, but when it comes to women

in particular, 70% of women have faked orgasm at one time or another, and many women fake it often. And let's face it, from Harry Met Sally, you learned that women can be pretty good at faking it. Now, is it OK to fake an orgasm? Well, I mean, yeah, it's OK. But is it healthy? No. And if certainly if you're in a relationship with someone, it can really start to fray the fiber of connection between the two of you. I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with where she has been faking it. And really, you know, I kind of call it the mercy fake because for whatever reason she has difficulty reaching orgasm or she can't reach orgasm or she can reach orgasm, but she doesn't feel empowered or comfortable enough articulating what she needs, right?

Or maybe she just got in the habit early in the relationship of faking it before she was comfortable articulating her needs and now she doesn't know how to do it, right? Or she doesn't know how to tell her partner that she's been faking it. And the reason I call it the mercy fake, because this is the most common reason I find that women fake orgasms in relationships is because their partner is so enthusiastic and trying so hard and she's done. She's enjoyed the sexual scenario. She's done, but she knows because he's, you know, or they, whoever she's having sex with is being such a generous partner and isn't going to end the sexual scenario until she reaches orgasm, she mercy fakes, right? Throws him a bone and fakes orgasm. A, so the scenario will end,

but B, they'll feel good about the sexual scenario. The problem is in a long-term relationship, eventually resentment builds, right? Your partner's rolling over all pleased with themselves and you're sitting there having had no release and having faked the whole thing. And then it's been so long, I can't tell you how many couples have come into my office where this has happened and she finally admits that she's been faking and the partner is devastated and feels totally bamboozled and humiliated and is like, oh, my gosh, you are such a good liar. You know, like if you can fake this so well, what else are you faking? Right. So we have to do all this reparative work before we can even get to the issue of having orgasms in the first place. And there are lots of reasons why

orgasms are hard to achieve, in particular for women. A lot of it has to do with the need for education and information. And I will make a video specifically about how to help a woman reach orgasm. But very often, it's really a lack of communication and or something has changed with childbirth, with medications, with hormonal contraceptives, with perimenopause, with menopause, something has changed to make it harder to reach orgasm. Listen, regardless of your sexual orientation or your gender or your relationship status, every single one of us has struggled at one point or another with a lackluster or disconnected sex life or difficulty finding the partner that we most desire. So I have designed an amazing program for you. Seven days to better

sex. Each day, you're going to get a video and an information packet all designed to help you jumpstart your love life. Just go to www.drlauraberman.com. And also the truth is as wonderful as orgasms are, they are not the key. Ironically, you would think so. They are not the key to a woman's sexual satisfaction. I did a huge national study with Rand survey company on what the most sexually satisfied women had in common. And it was not how many orgasms they had or whether or not they reached orgasm with every encounter or any encounter for that matter. Orgasms were great when they happened, but the key to their sexual satisfaction was the emotional intimacy and connection they felt with the person they were having sex with. If they felt that deep

intensity of connection and satisfaction in that connection, even in a one night stand, right? Much less in a relationship. That is what ultimately led to their true sense of sexual satisfaction. And I think that's really important to understand in particular for men who, by the way, also fake sometimes because of performance anxiety or they drank too much or they're just feeling uncomfortable or it's not really working for them. They can fake too. So don't think men can't fake. But for the majority of men, orgasm is the punctuation mark on the sexual encounter. So they can't imagine having a sexual encounter without orgasm, which is why they so generously, I mean, generations ago, men wouldn't even bother. They didn't even care or think about a woman

reaching orgasm. Now it's really important. And that's a wonderful thing that it becomes really important to men now to help their partners get there. But it's important for men to understand that not only is that not the key to her sexual satisfaction, but no woman orgasms every single time she has sex with someone else. It might be for reasons of stress, distractions, where she is in her cycle. It could be so many different things that can impair or impede our ability to respond. And so it has to be OK for her to say, you know, at this time, I'm not going to get there. But that doesn't mean she's not really enjoying the physical sensations, the sensuality, the sexual intimacy and the emotional intimacy of the encounter. Now, if she says, I really want to reach orgasm, let's work on this.

And that's a different story. But it also has to be OK for her to say, you know, this time is not going to happen. And I think when you can have that kind of communication, it takes so much of the pressure off. But I really encourage women not to fake, not only because you're giving credit where credit isn't due, but because it isn't authentic and you are going to start resenting it. And you do deserve maximum pleasure. Like I said, you don't have to reach orgasm every time, but you should be able to reach orgasm with your partner and be able to express and experience that level of fulfillment. So don't fake. Be honest. Open the lines of communication and enjoy the sensuality

and the connection and the joy that sex brings beyond the goal-oriented focus on the big O. Let me know if you have questions about this or anything else, because I'm always here to help you learn to love and be loved better. I went to the