Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - There's Hope in the Unknown

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

This week, I’m sitting down for a Language of Love Session with a listener that’s currently navigating a divorce and feeling like the world before her is pretty unclear. As she fights to trust her own instincts and desires, I offer her some helpful techniques to hold on to her clarity in the face of external pressure and doubt.  Her story is a good reminder that we have to honor our truth in the face of great pain, change, and divine timing. We also discuss the power of therapy and working through childhood trauma in uncovering the possibilities that are available to us after loss.  In this episode, we’re diving into: The reasons why a marriage ends  Deal breakers in a relationship and unmet expectations Families of origin and the shadows that follow us into adulthood Understanding divine timing and living in the present The importance of inner child work and assessing what our inner child wants  How to claim what you want for your life  Remember, you don’t need a reason to want what you want. You are the author of every chapter of your life, so find your peace, open your imagination, and forge your path!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Tara, what's on your mind? How can I help?

So I am going through a divorce with my, well, ex-current husband. And the situation is that like, it's pretty amicable. We've spoken about it and we've both realized that this is what is required as the next step and in all the conversation what came up was we've been married for like six and a half years now and what came up was that he actually sort of abandoned the relationship in 2019 which was about three years ago I had no idea what the reason was or what was really going on and I was just you know it's like barking against the wall so I was just asking again and again like what's wrong and like you know I was upset I was sad then I was angry like all of those emotions that I went through but I never got an answer and it was just now that you

know now that we've reached this point that he said that you know you were not the wife that I expected you to be quite honestly even I think that he was I was just in love but maybe he's not the kind of person who I sort of authentically would want to end up with and it's just difficult because I started taking therapy three years ago when all of this started coming up and I've been doing quite okay initially it was really bad of course but I found happiness in being by myself as well I think I was quite codependent but now I'm like you know in a better place mentally but as we keep going through each step in the legal procedure like every time like we have to just like maybe go to the lawyer just call the lawyer just one thing he just always comes back

and he's like are you sure and that just you know like kind of shakes my entire belief then I go back and think like am I just doing this out of ego do am I really doing this because it doesn't work for me and I I'm quite sure that it doesn't but it's only when every time those questions keep coming up and it also frustrates me because I'm like why are you asking me this now because you left this relationship like years ago and we've not had any physical intimacy in the past three years we're just living like roommates so it's just really frustrating and I feel that if I end this I definitely will level up because it doesn't work for me in a lot of ways but like this question just like I don't know it just puts me back a few steps every time yeah well that makes sense and

I'm going to ask you a few questions in a second but let me just say this first which is that one of the hardest things, sort of like one of the more later steps in resolving and recovering from codependence is learning discernment. And what I mean by that is what is yours? What is someone else's? What is your truth? And can you hold your truth when it's challenged with someone who knows how to put, you know, by anyone, but especially with someone with whom you've been or are codependent with, right? Or a higher stakes relationship or a loaded relationship, a relationship with a lot of load behind it,

emotional load behind it. That can happen with your family challenging your truths, your ex challenging your truths, even your children, your friends, your colleagues. So I only say that to say that what you're describing is normal in terms of like, okay, I have my truth, I'm all fine. But when someone challenges and says you're wrong,

you're kidding yourself or starts to gaslight me, I start to slide a little bit and that's normal. So the main thing to do in that situation, especially in the beginning, is what I'm going to do with you now, which is some reality testing. Okay. That's what we call it. So why did you end the marriage? What is it that makes this person someone who you really can't have, and you don't have to disparage him and say horrible things about him, but what was it about him and the relationship that makes it really impossible for you to have the kind of relationship with him that you most want and desire? I think the first thing is that I feel completely unseen and invisible when I'm with him a hundred

percent. And I think the opinions we have on things, well, not opinions, but the foundation of a lot of things that we have in our marriage. I come from a place which is heavily patriarchal And I have been sort of fighting that from day one. He has expectations that as a wife, you should be doing certain things. And I just don't think so. So he subscribes to those patriarchal ideas. Yes. Yes.

So I think that is. That's a big deal. That's a big deal breaker. Yes. If that's not what you want. Yeah, not at all. Not at all. I think that's what, you know, it started with little things like about fighting about chores

and things like that. but I would just constantly keep coming back to this one sentence that why are rules different for you and me? And that's, you know, then all of this came up after I took therapy and I sort of realized that, you know, it's not the person it's like I'm fighting the society. So that is, I think one of the main reasons why I don't think this can work. He really buys into that and he's committed to that. Is that what he meant when he said you weren't the person that I thought I married? He thought he was marrying someone who was going to toe the line of the cultural beliefs that he subscribes to and that yes he said that in those many words as well that as a woman it's your

duty to yeah blah blah yeah okay well that's to me that seems like a deal breaker is that a deal breaker to you yeah yeah certainly so then let me ask you the question that he asks every time you have to do something to move forward the divorce. Are you sure? Are you sure that you do not want to be married to someone who subscribes to the patriarchal ideals and is committed to those ideals and doesn't want to debunk those ideals? Are you sure you don't want to be married to someone like that? Yes, quite certainly. Yeah. Because he can be an amazing guy. He can be a kind person. He can be smart and handsome and interesting and thoughtful and all of those things, right? But if you are with him, you are going to be pushing up against that value system.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been doing that since day one, I feel. I didn't recognize it in these many words before that. It was just like a fight over chores and things like that, like I said. But then I started to realize that I can see this more and more in conversations, even in a group, where he's saying things which i just don't agree with and yeah i mean i the thing is i was always scared to address it because i i mean i come from a family where my mom is like constantly and we're raised in the page yeah so and to be honest actually my parents are quite progressive so they don't believe in all of that it's just that i was scared to say these things to him because I have been walking on eggshells around my mom having anger issues. So away from this

subject, that is something that I've come from. So it was so hard for me to voice my opinion. And the problem started when I started voicing my opinion about things. Then to him, it was just a whole disconnect. And he was just like, oh, that's not the person I want to be with. Right. So I just got some major truth chills when you were saying that about your mom. And I'm going to talk about your mom for a minute, not because she's a bad person. She's a wonderful person. I'm sure she's a wonderful mother. When I talk about our families of origin and your parents, I'm not saying they were bad people or bad parents. Believe me, I have fucked up my kids good, despite all my best intentions otherwise, because of my shadows, my wounds, my misconceptions, whatever, right?

This is what we do as parents. And on some level, I believe why our souls choose the parents we choose for their wounds so that they can hurt us and trigger us and do whatever they're going to do during this lifetime that will be the catalyst for our soul's growth, right? So we can thank your parents for any mistakes they made. Like I told my dad on his deathbed, I told him not only did I forgive him, but I really thanked him because I could see the trajectory of how the wounds he gave me shaped my life that led to the gifts, right? And lessons, not that it's an easy road. So when you are raised with someone who has trouble self-regulating their anger and when challenged or when you have to walk on eggshells, right? So as a child, you, as the adult, you may

perceive it differently, but the way a child perceives it is your parents are God, right? Without them, you will die. And children also confuse approval with love. And so if you are faced with very frightening anger right to a child it's petrifying because she's much bigger and stronger and more powerful in every way than you and is the key to your survival right so when she gets furious when you just speak up you have to come up with a strategy as a child unconsciously a child doesn't sit down and like write out what their strategy is going to be they just unconsciously do this right but you have to come up with a strategy to survive and we all come up with different strategies some of us disassociate some of us fight tooth and nail some of us do what

i did and what you did and what most codependents or recovering codependents did which is to take on the truth of the person who they're scared of right so this is like if i said oh look there are five people over there playing a game and my dad said no they're not they're three and they're not playing a game they're having a conversation I would tell myself oh I must be seeing wrong right because it was not safe to contradict my father and the way my sweet little brain made sense of it is like oh okay so I'll just take on his truth but the only way I can take on in order to stay safe. But the only way I can take on his truth is to let go of my truth. Yeah. So then that becomes the inherent ingrained pattern. I'm going to, if someone contradicts my

truth, who's important to me, I will let go of my truth in order to survive. Right. And you don't question it. So that's what's happening with your ex. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So why are the tears coming? is that resonating with you? Yes. Yes. A hundred percent. I do see the pattern and it's definitely there. I'm upset about the, the years wasted, of course. I just feel like you could have just spoken about it, said something. It was really a very difficult time. Yeah. But what would have been different? I mean, maybe your marriage would have ended three years earlier, right? Yeah. I would have probably liked that. if you had three more years yes absolutely I feel like like not that I was I'm thinking of

some monumental thing that I would have done in those three years but when I look back I just it's just regret like yeah could have had a conversation and for me it's very uncomfortable to do that like you know after what I've told you so but I would still like write down questions and then you know sort of be like is it okay can we just for five minutes discuss something then ask the questions and just get no reply yeah just like just get shut down yeah yeah and so that was that was obviously really hard so i just i'm gonna have it like that but i wish i just maybe no one already or maybe they can head up the audio who knows but yeah but can you be open to the idea of divine timing right like these things happen as or when they're happening right so we could

argue, we don't know, we can't go back in time, but we could argue that, yeah, you could have gotten out three years earlier or five years earlier or whatever when you realized what you eventually realized, but maybe you weren't ready. Maybe it wasn't the right time. Maybe you really needed that experience of the discomfort and the pain that came from all those years of living in discomfort to really step into the therapy and the healing that you've stepped into now, right? So we can't change the past. And I think it's really important, not only, yes, to feel some grief and some sadness about time wasted, but also like I feel when I feel into your grief, I feel like it's even, I mean, I don't want to put words or thoughts in your mouth and mind, but

it feels to me even more just some real sadness and grief for that little girl who gave her truth away out of the best intentions. And she was, God bless her for doing it because it helped her survive her childhood, right? But we can feel, I feel tremendous sadness when I tune in to you. I feel it about that. I feel it about her.

Yeah, yeah, I think you're right. Yeah. As most of you know, for the past several years, I've been on a pretty intense grief journey, and it's been a path of healing. I've shared lots of that healing with you and lots of the healing resources that I found. And I am so thrilled to announce that I am doing my first ever retreat for grieving mamas. So if you or someone you love is a mama who has lost a child in any way, at any stage, at any age, I would love for you to come join me at 1440 Multiversity in the Redwoods near

Santa Cruz, California, for four amazing days of beautiful, uplifting community and healing. We've got David Kessler. We've got Paul Selig. We've got Catherine Woodward Thomas. We've got me. We've got body work. We've got organic food, beautiful rooms. Go to 1440.org.

Check it out. It's right there on the homepage. I really hope you can join us. I don't think it's about the time wasted. I think it's you finally, maybe on a new level, connecting to the sadness and the grief that you feel for that sweet little girl, right? Because this started when you were like three, your awareness of it. That's when you probably became a toddler and started having your own opinions, right?

Yeah. And you were met, you were gobsmacked by this sudden big anger that just, I see this image of your sweet little soul going and like sucking into your body and getting really small and quiet right yeah and that's where you stayed and that was the lens that you lived through including when you chose this partner yeah yeah for sure so have you ever done any inner child work or anything like that yes i have i have done that work and i think it resolved a lot of things uh but we me and my mom I was just constantly angry with her but I think after I did all that work I understood where she comes from like you said like I definitely don't have anything against her

anymore but yes initially I was really angry with her and yeah I have done a lot of work and gone back and like tried to soothe my inner child multiple times I still do that sometimes and I'm still continuing yeah I'm still continuing with therapy as well because I think I really want to feel better. And I mean, I know what it meant to actually say that I'm unhappy. And to me, that sentence was just so difficult to say because it becomes real when you say it. But I know that that was the first thing that I told my therapist that I'm unhappy and I have no idea what to do about it. That's the first step. That's beautiful. And I think when you are second guessing yourself, even though the adult you and your intellectual mind knows that this is the right decision for

you. The one who is having doubt and who doesn't have discernment is that little girl, right? So when you talk to him, what I want you to do before you talk to him, because you probably know most of the time when you're going to communicate with him ahead of time, right? So I want you to go and whatever you and your therapist decide is a good strategy. For some, it's like going and looking at yourself in the mirror and having a conversation like deep into your eyes, reaching her there or meditating or doing something playful, something to connect you to her and allow you to communicate with her and say like, okay, we're going to go in and have a conversation with him now. And I am holding your hand and you don't have to be afraid and you don't

have to second guess yourself. I am protecting us and standing for us and standing for the truth. you don't have to you can rest you can relax you don't have to protect us i am protecting us by standing for the truth right and then you go and have the conversation and then you will be in that mindset where he doesn't immediately because the one who's in doubt is her yeah the rest of you knows right you understand what i mean by that yes yes it's i think easier to see them as two different people and sort of, you know, take charge in those conversations for sure. Yeah. I'm going to try that. Yeah. The way someone could have or would have if things were different for you, right. To say, no, let her speak. Right. No, she knows what she's talking

about. She has an opinion. She has needs. She has wants that may be different than yours and that's okay. And she doesn't need a reason. This is so important for every codependent to know and especially for you to know that you don't need a reason to want what you want. You don't need a reason. That's the difficult one to digest. Yes, that's the biggest one. That's the biggest one. But if you don't digest that, life is so much harder. And also, I believe it's a big part of disease as well, because we are the ones that make ourselves sick so that we can do self-care. We are the ones that run ourselves ragged so that we can rest, right? We are the ones that have to make other people wrong or make ourselves into a total mess

in order to get our needs met, right? And none of that is functional. And so the core, core, core of self-love, and you've probably heard me say this before, you know, self-esteem and self-love are very different. Self-esteem is, you know, I love myself because I'm good at these things or I'm a good person or I'm whatever. Self-love is knowing that you are deserving of exactly what the love that you want and desire simply because you were born and you exist and you are the divine spark of spirit that you are. And there's no one else on the planet like you. And you came here to have this

experience. And only because of that, you deserve exactly the love that you desire and you are allowed to need and want whatever you need and want. That doesn't, I'm not saying you are allowed to, not that you would do this, but I'm not saying that you're allowed to, or that it's okay to be totally selfish or to be, or to run other people over or to throw people under the bus in order to get what you want and need yeah what i'm saying is that it is absolutely 100 okay and in fact required for your soul and your existence and your survival but especially your soul and your existence to know that in like to really let that land that you don't need a reason to want what you want yeah yeah you were never allowed that truth and it's a huge one it's a huge one I can't tell

you how huge it is I know it's like simple words but it's just making me cry so much because it's true like you know it's always like I deserve this because then just the end of that sentence is never just because you are. Just because I am, right? Just because you are, you deserve it. That's it. There never needs to be anything other than that. And you don't have to come up with a reason or an excuse for why you want a divorce or why you want to stand for yourself or why you want to hold the boundary that you want to hold or why you want to be treated a certain way. You just are. Yeah. Yeah. So I really want you to marinate in that. I mean, you can feel it's one of those shifts that is so teeny tiny on the surface, but

monumental, Grand Canyon, huge on the inside. And I really want you to marinate in that and to meditate on that and to let that resonate and to work with that in your day-to-day life. Maybe like even in lower stakes situations at first with strangers in the checkout line or, you know, like relationships that don't feel so loaded. But in the end, anytime you start to feel guilt or shame, which is your go-to place when you ask for what you need and deserve, say that i don't need a reason say to yourself in the mirror i don't need a reason to want what i want and to need what i need and you're gonna have to keep reminding yourself of that until it becomes ingrained in you and then your entire universe will change well i hope so that makes

sense to you? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. So I, for one, am very, very, very, very proud of you because I know what it takes to go up against one's culture, one's community, the norm, the way you've been raised. It took so much strength to stand for yourself in this. And it is a huge testament to the power of your soul, your heart, what you can offer the world, because I can feel into, I don't know what you do for a living, but I can feel into how this is going to shape the work that you do in the world and the way that you support others in the world and this journey like your soul signed up for to learn these lessons and to integrate these truths and remember who you are awaken to who you truly are so that you can help others do

the same and you can be an example of that light in the world that can guide others right you're in it now you're in the deep of it now right but I can feel I can feel into the edges of what that looks like and what kind of work do you do I'm an artist you're beautiful yeah so I actually have worked in the fashion industry for about 11 years and in the midst of all of this I have started selling my art as NFTs in on the blockchain and I don't come from this background at all but I took up this challenge. And now I speak at a lot of places about how you can, you know, make this a passive income and everything. And it's actually very fulfilling, probably more than my job was. And that's why I feel like these changes are happening, because I am talking

and being vocal about what is important to me. Yes. How beautiful is that? How much has already changed as you have started to get unstuck and claim what you desire, right? And it's only going to continue to change. And even that, right? Like stepping into something, because that's a beautiful metaphor for just stepping into the unknown, right? Like you don't know what you're doing. You don't know how you're going to do it. You feel called to do this and look, it's working out, right? So you don't know what life on the other side of divorce is going to look like. And you don't know what is germinating underneath the ground that will blossom, right? But it's going to be something that amazing. And it's the opposite of staying stuck, which is what it would

have been if you stayed in an unhappy marriage out of expectations or self-doubt or feeling unentitled to the love that you want and the kind of love you want. This doesn't make your ex wrong. Like he's going to he deserves to find someone who ascribes to the same ideals that is going to make him happy. You know, he's not going to be happy with someone like you, not because something's wrong with you, but because you aren't aligned in your fundamental values of how relationships work. Yeah. Between men and women anyway. So he's going to find someone that can align with that and will be so much happier. right? You're actually doing him a tremendous favor, even though it may not feel that way in the short term, in addition to giving yourself your birthright, which is the life that you

most desire. And so as you continue to heal, I don't I'm assuming you're not dating. I'm guessing you're not. But don't date for certainly not until the divorce is final. But I think there's going to be another layer of healing once the divorce is final for you of full integration. And then you'll get really super clear on what you most desire in love how you want to feel not only in terms of shared power and shared values but also all the other ways that your self-expression wants to live in love you're collecting all of that information as you just live right now and I do think that your art I love the idea of your artistic expression being a part of your healing work in the world too eventually I think that's I think it started with that because I

started sketching during the pandemic because I didn't know what else to do because I didn't have an outlet and to me sketching was the outlet and it makes me happy that like it's reached here and how it started and I still have a very emotional underlining with everything that I week it's always had that and I used to feel like vulnerable putting it out there but now I'm really proud of putting it out there and being vulnerable it's taken a long time but yeah well that's amazing and there is such a clear energy to art I mean that's why we love it because we can feel that not just because it's visually beautiful but we may not know lots of people don't know that's why they're pulled toward artistic expression of others, even not even their

own artistic expression because of the energy, the frequency underneath the artist's expression on the page, on the sculpture, on whatever it is. So you are actually transmuting and transferring energy when you, and energetic messages to others when you put out your art. So each of those healing sketches and pieces that you put out, you are then sending that ripple through the world, which I think is really beautiful. So I'm excited for you. I'm excited to see what unfolds as you continue your healing journey, as you continue your artistic expression. And I'm so hopeful for the you that you're going to become when you give yourself full permission to be and do and have what you desire. That's going to be really fun. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I will. Of course.

Doctor said I'm crazy for your love Wrote me a prescription But there's no cure for a cry