Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - This Common Self-Esteem Issue Can Ruin Your Sex Life

Episode Date: March 16, 2022

Have you ever thought about how your body image might be impacting your sex life? Most people don’t realize that the thoughts we have about our bodies can actually inhibit or even prevent us from being able to enjoy sex or reach orgasm. On this episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman connects the dots between body image and sex, explaining why the pressures of our current society have complicated sexual pleasure for the average person. After listening to this episode, you will know: • How porn has warped our ideas of how naked bodies should look • How negative beliefs about our bodies and genitalia can poison our pleasure in the bedroom • That even men can greatly suffer from poor body image, especially when it comes to the size of their penis or how long they can last in the bedroom • How to begin to release your negative self-talk and create an environment of a compassion and self-love in the bedroom • How studies have shown that our feelings about our genitals and sexual pleasure can prevent women from reaching orgasm Sexual pleasure often starts in the mind, so if you want to amplify your intimacy, we often need to begin by addressing our expectations and beliefs about ourselves. To talk to Dr. Laura Berman about your sex, love, or body image issues, contact her on social media or send her an email at [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love sex relationship

questions and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Hi everyone. So welcome to the language of love. I'm going to open it up to anything on your mind. Obviously, if it is about body image and how that's affecting your dating life, your love life, your interest in sex, your sexual enjoyment, how you put yourself out there, or any other question about sex, love, relationships, I am definitely here for you. But let's just start with the topic at hand. So here we go. Body image, the dreaded topic we all think about. We're all affected by that buzzword. Body image brings up a lot of feelings. in absolutely everyone. And I have yet to meet a woman, even a woman who, by all intents and

purposes, and by anyone else's opinion, has a perfect body, like a model's body, still finds the bulges and the things and the scars and the marks and the wrinkles. It seems like there's always something to judge our bodies about. But it's not just women. It's men, too. And I find that more and more men report openly. I think this has always been the case, but at least they're being more open about the pressure that they feel to measure up to other men, to be buff enough, to look good enough. And certainly in today's culture, which is so about presentation and social media and likes and everything else, it seems like the pressure is on steroids like never before, but it's always been fascinating to me as someone who's never, I mean, I think I've been an

ideal weight, like the weight that I would love to be maybe a total of all combined two years of my adult life. You know, most of my life I've weighed by a best five to 10 more than my ideal. And my weight is always yo-yo. So body perfection has never been something I've spent a lot of time focusing on, but I sure as heck talk about it. It feels like every single day to the people who come for me for help. And I do know that during times where I've really put it on, you know, which there have been a couple of times in my life, one of them most recently, I'm talking 30 pounds. I do notice a change personally and certainly how attractive I feel. And based on how attractive we feel and experience ourselves when we look in the mirror, when we get dressed,

That definitely, whether we intend it to or not, definitely affects our willingness to put ourselves out there, our willingness to take social risks or sexual initiatives. But also energetically, it changes the way that we're experienced in the world. And you all of us know people like this or have known people like this who don't match the ideal of beauty by any means. but they tend to have potential mates flocking to them. And they tend to have people just so into them and aroused by them. And it's not just their sparkling personality, although that's part of it. It's because they are one of the few who actually have a really strong sense of their own attractiveness. So one of the things that I have always tried to do and doing now more than ever, is trying to just put this conversation really honestly on the

table. Like, for instance, I just put something up on social media recently, because I had put up this picture that was taken maybe four or five years ago. And as my husband likes to say, once you hit your 40s, basically anything within a decade is okay to say is relatively recent. It was a picture I loved at this really fun event that I did with Steve Harvey, maybe four or five years ago. And I had the whole hair and makeup team. And I even had a stylist that had worked with me on a show and had become a friend, Deirdre Purcell, God bless her. She gave me something out of her own closet to wear at this event. And my friend, Randy Wilder, who was also a hair and makeup person came and did my hair and makeup. And, you know, so I was judged to the ninth degree. And this picture was also from about four or five years ago.

So when I posted this picture, which was actually the post was about trying to reach perfection. And I would say that image to me represents the closest I get to perfection, which is by no means perfect, but social ideals of whatever aspirational. right i was saying none of this stuff is where you find worthiness of love most of us confused and this is where i think body image comes in in a way most of us grew up in our families confusing approval with love that's how love was shown in our families with approval for many of us and so that kind of inherently has a message in it that if you are meeting this ideal or you are

someone who's aspirational and you have what everyone else wants then you'll be approved of and then you'll be worthy of love. And that really is a trap that all of us fall into. And that's what the post was about. And I got all these comments about how much that post resonated with people, which I loved. But I also got all these comments, oh, that dress, and you look so beautiful, and you're so hot, which is lovely. And I loved hearing all of that because it was a really pretty picture, but I found myself feeling guilty. And I even said this some people on my team, I was like, I feel really guilty and kind of embarrassed because this picture is not super recent. It's four or five years ago. I'm 30 pounds heavier. Maybe I've

lost some weight, maybe 23 pounds heavier than I was back then. Part of it is just not only COVID, but also losing my son. I just like threw in the towel and sat on the, you know, I could barely move much less exercise. I could barely eat much less. Think about making healthy choices. I just what was comforting. And the next thing I knew I'd gained 30 pounds, which is quite easy, honestly, for me to do. It always has been. So I'm in the process of losing that. And I felt like a fraud because my body is not what it looks like in that picture. And even my hair, everything is different. So I just put that out there on a video. And I said, listen, about that post, I just want to show you what I really look like, because I do think it's really important

that we're honest with each other, in addition with ourselves about how we really look, but also how beautiful that is. When it comes to body image affecting our love lives, it does affect our willingness to go up and talk to someone or go out on a date. I've talked to so many people, usually women, but sometimes men who will cancel a date because they feel like they're having a horrible hair day or because they're too fat. I know many friends, acquaintances, and patients who won't have sex when they feel fat. I have many friends and acquaintances and colleagues who have beautiful bodies and still airbrush them and trim them and de-wrinkle-fy them and filter the hell out of them on every image because they can't imagine that anyone would want to follow

them, like them, date them, be friends with them, do business with them if their body doesn't look perfect. So I wanted to see what your thoughts are on that, but especially attend to any challenges you're having. I can certainly go on and on about this topic and how it affects us in the bedroom and in our romantic lives. But let's go to some questions. First of all, with Vanessa. Vanessa, hey. I've been single for a long time. I'm on the heavier size. I'm like a size 14. I've been bigger and I've been smaller. One of the things that has bothered me over the years is when I do meet someone, we are getting intimate and I'm having to reveal more of my body and things like that. I noticed that the relationship changes a little bit. Maybe it's because I am not confident in my

body that they're reacting to me differently. But I just noticed that the relationship sometimes changes a little bit. I've also noticed that I feel like a little bit more inspected, if that makes sense. Like when I'm in bed with them, like they're, they're massaging my collarbone or they're, it's like, what are you doing? I can, I kind of feel like I'm being like, and I'm just like, I don't want them to like get down to the rolls around my stomach and things like that. So I like, you know, move their hand and things. So I don't know if that's translating into why maybe I'm having a hard time finding relationships, long-term relationship. Yeah. Well, and let me ask you this, does the withdrawal tend to start immediately upon first time you're

naked together or does it start as you become sexual and they're doing all of this kind of exploration of you over time? I think it's sometimes maybe like maybe the second or third time you're more intimate. Like the first time I feel like it's a little bit less like, it's a little bit less like, okay, you're my future partner. It's just like, you're attracted to you right now but as like the second or third time goes around i start to become very yeah they're looking at me in a different light like okay yeah does she pass like does she check the boxes yeah i think you're really on to something there is nothing more attractive to a partner in particular a man that than a partner who really feels comfortable in their

own skin and when you are uncomfortable and all of us have been uncomfortable at times or at all times and self-conscious and, oh, please don't feel that roll down there or whatever else. But when you are really in that space, even if you're not saying a word, much less if you're moving their hands away, because that's a pretty overt signal. The partner, especially if he's a guy, he doesn't necessarily know you're moving his hand away because you're afraid of him feeling your rolls, first of all. Second of all, when you do move his hand away, even if he knows, he's assuming probably that you just are uncomfortable with him touching you certain places and maybe you're a little uptight or a little closed off or a little inhibited sexually

and not really letting him in, not really being in a sexual openness and playfulness with him. You're kind of closed off to him, which can be a turnoff, especially if he really likes you and now is kind of trying to take the temperature of what your sex life would be like. He may be thinking, okay, well, this is a person who has a lot of no's, is kind of closed off, doesn't even really want me to touch her body, and he doesn't even know that it's about your roles. But then the catch-22, if they do, you say something about your roles, oh, careful, those are my roles, that's a turnoff too. This is what I always say to women in existing relationships, and even in new relationships, especially when we're talking about women with men. Men, especially

heterosexual men do not analyze or even notice or see the rolls, cellulite pockets, poofs, whatever that our eyes go immediately to as soon as we're in front of the mirror or as soon as someone's coming within a few inches of that area. They don't see it or notice it. All they see is the entire silhouette. And honestly, most of what they see are your breasts and your butt and your channels. You know, they aren't analyzing the rest of it unless we are incessantly pointing it out to them. Oh my God. You know, I see this in, in married and existing couples all the time. Oh, I'm so fat. Oh, I look at my roles, you know, like they would to a girlfriend and eventually he can't help but see them. He wouldn't have even noticed them if she hadn't been a constantly

pointing them out. So I think there is something to the idea that if you're dating people and you're getting into sexual scenarios with them and you are kind of withholding and closed off and self-conscious, even without words, the energy of that comes across, especially in those intimate situations. You're going to have much better time and have much better results if you can allow yourself to just say, okay, let him feel the roles. And if he doesn't like it, he'll leave, whatever, and just be totally present with it and be totally into it. And my guess is that that actually will be much more arousing and a turn on to your partner that you're with. Also, this is a side note, if you're looking for a long-term monogamous relationship, wait to have sex until

there's really some trust and connection there. Calculating route to avoid seeing poverty. Turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away. Then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention.

Donate today at unitedwaygt.org. And so you can say after the first time you make out, listen, I'm really attracted to you, obviously, but I just want you to know where I stand. I don't have sex with people until I'm really clear that I want to kind of pursue a monogamous relationship with them and they feel the same way and we're on the same page. so that's not to rush either of us. I just wanted you to know where I stand. First of all, that will rule out all the people who are just looking to get laid and not really interested in a relationship. And secondly, for the one who does stick around and who you are also interested in, now trust is building. And as you get to the point where you're now talking monogamy and you're only going to date each other, then you say, listen, I want you to know I'm a little self-conscious. I'm not going to like obsess over it, but just I'm a little self-conscious about my

body. You just out it rather than try to hide it. And then you move forward from there with trust and connection. And it's much easier to be vulnerable when you really like someone and trust someone and you have that mutual commitment. And it's also on how you handle it. Like my guess is there are some small inhibitions that you have that are coming across in a way that feels accidentally not that you are this accidentally shut down and limited like even with

the costume I don't know what you said to him at the time but just using this as an example it's one thing to say you know no this is not my size and I'm not putting this on like I don't want you to see me in this or I can't be turned on in this versus saying wow I had no idea that you be into something like this let's go shopping together say like this really isn't my size but I'm really excited to do this with you. So let's go to this store and then you pick something out that you know will be flattering. There are ways to finesse it where you're enthusiastic, you're open, and you still have boundaries. And also understanding that the ideals that we see in magazines, yes, some men want that, but most men, and especially when they've even done national

research on that, most men actually, if they show them a whole bunch of different body sizes, what they pick out as the ideal size is two sizes larger than what women pick out as the ideal size for themselves. As my favorite person and second mother, Sasi, called her Sandra, used to say, you know, men like a little junk in the trunk. So they like the junk in the trunk. They like confidence and they like someone who's really open to play with them. If you're not open now and you're going to reject this outfit I brought you because you don't think you look good, what's it going to be like in 10 years or five years or whatever? So I think it's a lot around the miscommunication about your self-consciousness and how you're handling it and how enthusiastic

you are otherwise. You see what I mean? Yeah, I think I was pretty good about it, but I definitely know not to, um, you know, what is it? Something about a gift horse or whatever that you permit. Yeah. Look, a gift horse in the mouth. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely didn't do that, but it was, I think you could tell that like, he's like, yeah, we'll do this another time, you know? So it sounds like you're on the right track and you could also do what I've talked to a lot of guys who say, you know, I don't know why, like we have sex and then she disappears. Just my penis too small. Is something wrong? We go on a few dates and then she won't take my calls. And if that is happening in a pattern, it's not unheard of to just ask one

of those guys, say, listen, I'm not angry. I totally get it. But tell me what went wrong. Help me understand because I don't want to make the same mistakes next time. And sometimes you'll really get some interesting feedback. I appreciate that. Thank you. Asmay, am I saying your name right? What's on your mind? two days ago i noticed one of my friends told me you know you should be more active ask me it's asked me and you said it right it's like you should be more active and go out there and you know like meet some people and maybe i have someone to introduce you if you're interested but i know you're i don't know uh like um what would you think about it and so uh it's like you should

go and check him out on Instagram. And then, so I went on Instagram and checked him out. And you know what? I wasn't thinking about if he's my type. I was like, the question that popped out, is he gonna like me? If you're not interested, and I know the kinds of communities,

I mean, it's in all different cultures, certainly in Eastern communities, it's in Western communities, it's in different religious communities, different parts of the country, but you'll have these enclaves of people who all are keeping up with the Joneses and demonstrations of wealth and who takes the best vacation and whose kids go to the best private school and who wears the fanciest

designer clothes. And it sounds like you really kind of left that world and that that doesn't appeal to you. So it's going to be really important that when you're looking at people and dating and looking at who you're dating, there's a shared value there. There are plenty of people who have lots of money who that's not what they base their worth and happiness on. In fact, they've already learned or knew intuitively that that's not where happiness is found and

they don't need to outspend or outprove anyone. And that's the kind of person I think that you're looking for. And when you looked at this guy, you got a different vibe that he was from your original community and you probably spent a lot of time feeling like you didn't measure up in your original community because you didn't want what your girlfriends wanted you didn't sort of play the game the way everyone else played it and they probably because that's their world were uncomfortable with that and made you feel small because of that and now you're sort of facing it on a micro level looking at this guy because this guy represents that community i don't blame you i

would get grossed out with that too. But if you're having trouble meeting people and people you trust can attest to his character, maybe he does that for business, that if he seems really wealthy and successful, more people will hire him to sell and buy their homes. Who knows? Maybe it's all a game to him, but you can find out. The main thing is about how you measure yourself. Trying things out, trying things on, all of that, I think, is great. But you have to be in the driver's seat. I think where I'm concerned for you is only the part where instead of asking, how does this fit with my life? Can I give this person a chance? You're turning it around, which my guess is habitual. And for many of us, this is a habit that we learned, taking the blame for everything,

trying desperately to get approval and never feeling like we measure up. And so even when we don't want something, instead of saying, I don't want that, we say, oh, I'm not good enough for that. And all those old feelings come up. So I would just pay attention to that and get really, really clear on what you want and deserve. Calculating route to avoid seeing poverty. Turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away. Then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention.

Donate today at unitedwaygt.org. And one of the greatest freedoms in life, I mean, it's harder in some ways to do with body image than it is with your general sense of worth. When you stop worrying about meeting the expectations of people you don't admire, your life becomes a lot freer. I highly encourage it. As we heal, a new layer of the onion comes up to get peeled away. The universe is saying, how serious are you about claiming your worth and about not stepping into the old because it's comfortable and because everyone from your old community is telling you you should? How clear are you on what you want? All right, good luck. so what's on your mind actually i was just like curious about the title of so you want to know

what i mean when i talk about body image and sex and how the two intersect and i'm a love sex and relationship expert i that's where i focus my work as a therapist and so i would say one of the biggest issues that i see in love relationships at every age and stage dating to 30-year marriages, is how one feels at home and how confident one feels in one's own body and how it looks plays a huge role on their willingness to initiate sexual experiences with a partner and their willingness to accept an invitation to have sex and their willingness to leave the lights on, to get in certain positions, to get undressed in front of a partner, even to go out on a date much less be sexual with someone how willing they are to let their

partner touch them in certain places or be naked at all in front of their partners i mean i've talked to couples where in particular women where their entire 20-year marriage they've never had sex with the lights on they've never been able to tolerate to kind of stepwise it where we started with like a red light bulb in the room, you know, where it was dim and then under the covers and then slowly got them to the point where they could be naked in front of their partner because they were so self-conscious about their body not being attractive enough or good enough or thin enough or muscular enough or strong enough or their penis big enough or their vulva pretty enough or some aspect. We didn't even talk about genital self-image yet, but that's a huge aspect too

for men and women how confident they feel in their, or not so confident they feel in their genitals. You would be surprised. You're right. And I love that concept that you're talking about, that a conscious man's role in a loving relationship is to embrace his partner's physical body and make her feel beautiful as much as he can and compliment her and cherish her and all of that, but he can do all of that until he's blue in the face. And if she can't receive it and her self-worth isn't strong enough, or she's just convinced that she doesn't measure up physically, even if he tells her she's beautiful all the time. And I hear this from women all the time. He says I'm beautiful, but it doesn't matter. I don't feel beautiful. I get it

intellectually, but it's really like this commitment to being so self-conscious about your physical appearance. And I think there are many, many, many women like, and I talked to many of them. I am not one of them. And I've talked about this before only by luck. Am I not one of those? Because I was the least attractive person in my nuclear family. My sister was gorgeous. My mother was gorgeous. And so I was never valued for my looks. I went through the, you're not that attractive. You're interesting looking early in my adolescence. So I never really put much importance. That wasn't where my worth was found. A lot of women, either because their worth, that's where they found their worth at certain points in their life, or their families really

valued that and pushed them around that or judged them around their bodies or told them they were going to get fat and no one would want to marry them or whatever it was that kind of is insidious, certainly in Western culture, just seems to get under the skin of women and make them very self-conscious in ways that don't serve them. I appreciate you bringing that up. When you think about it, the fact that any of us exist, that a sperm and an egg came together and gestated and grew and birthed into these little teeny babies that became us, the fact that we even exist and there is no other person who is like us. Even if we're an identical twin, everything is not exactly the same. There is no other being on the planet that is like each of us. And for that

reason alone, we should love our bodies, not to mention that we are spirits having a human experience here. And without these bodies, we wouldn't be here. So for that reason alone, we should love them and cherish them. And to me, I was talking about earlier, having gained these 30 pounds over the past six months, I really focused on loving myself and forgive. I started to get judgmental. I started to feel ashamed. I started to want to hide my body and take pictures of myself in ways where I was hidden. And I stopped myself and I said, no, it doesn't matter whether I'm 30 pounds heavier, 60 pounds heavier, 30 pounds lighter. This body is the only reason I'm here and I'm going to love it and cherish it. I'm going to make it healthier. I'm going to eat

better. I'm going to move it more. I want it to be healthy. I want it to be strong, but I'm going to love it. What about you, TZ? You have something to add or ask? Maybe I have a quick question for you. And when the woman, they kind of make love or making out and we all have our desire and how to best kind of say communicate with the partner and where or which area maybe is most kind of pleasure and would you say that kind of explicitly or would you kind of just guide guide your partner to the right spots yeah well I mean it depends if you're into something relatively unique sexually, or there's a specific thing or a specific fantasy or a specific position that turns you on and that you really like, obviously you can share that and let your

partner know. Or if you want to try something new, if you want to bring in a toy or a costume or a role play, it's best to kind of give your partner a heads up even before the sexual situation and say, Hey, I was thinking it would be really fun to blah, blah, blah. But if it's about how you like to be touched or where you like to be touched, unless the person is way off base, I think you can guide their hand. I think you can show them. I think you can say that feels really good, more pleased. Yes. Stay there. Oh, that, you know, whatever you give them verbal guidance and also hand guidance. And in some cases, maybe you even show them if it's rather specific how you like to be stimulated. But that's really where the great stuff is found in a sexual

relationship because you're two totally different bodies, no matter what your genders are coming together to share this energy and this experience together. And movies will tell you that we're all supposed to know exactly where to touch and what to do without a word. And that's just not it. And And so the best sexual relationships are one is that dynamic, open communication around what feels good in your body, on your body, how you like to be touched, and a real curiosity and openness about how your partner wants to be touched. This has been a great conversation. I so appreciate all of your questions and comments, and you can keep them coming anytime.

just go to languageoflovepod.com or you can go to drlauraberman.com. You can follow me on social media on all platforms at Dr. Laura Berman. And just do this for me. Stand naked in front of the mirror all by yourself the next time you have a chance and just look at yourself, the whole silhouette and gently blur your vision out so that you're really looking at the whole picture not letting your eyes go directly to where those bulges and pockets and things are that you hate so much that is what your partner sees when you're being sexual together and the real attraction is found less in what size you are and what physical shape you're in as in the attitude and the openness and the presence in your body

that you bring to the sexual scenario. Skinny people are not the only ones who have amazing sex lives. In fact, just as many thin, perfect bodies have amazing sex as large bodies do, as imperfect so-called bodies do. We're all entitled to sexual pleasure, sexual connection, and joy.

So that's what I'm wishing you. Until next time, I'm the Language of Love. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at unitedwaygt.org. Where some see heroes and others see egos, Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes.

A fad to some, the future of money to others. We see crypto's trillion-dollar swings, the end of jobs, or the end of human struggle. We see the endless funds fueling the AI hype. While others follow the noise, we follow the money. Learn more at Bloomberg.com.